DH always frustrated. Is he BU or AIBU to be sensitive?

[ToFleaOrNotToFlea]

Hello all, DH seems to always be frustrated in our relationship to the point where he has little outbursts of sulking, moodiness and swearing. The things which particularly set him off are if the house is slightly untidy (it is always pristine). Or if he needs to work in the garden he carries it out with an air of annoyance. He says he cannot relax until things are tidy and jobs are done. When he has these outbursts, it makes me feel like I want to do a number 2 - it chills me and makes me feel on the edge. He knows this but carries on anyway, stating that he is not being unreasonable about being frustrated from time to time.

However, it has really got me down and I always seem to be anticipating his mood. He has said some really mean things that I can't shake off and I feel a bit damaged. He also puts that down to not really meaning it and being frustrated at the time.

So any little outburst of frustration from him will really affect me to the point that I feel I can't be with him anymore. When I confront the behaviour, he just brushes it of as me not being able to deal with adults getting annoyed.

Last weekend, for example, we went to an event and were stuck in traffic. My way of dealing with it would be 'oh well, annoying, but we can't do anything about it' kind of thing.

His reaction was to keep banging the steering wheel, swearing, growling, going on and on about how we always fail, and we should have got up earlier and we are always rubbish. He kept saying he was goin to have a breakdown - and the atmosphere in the car was blue. DS aged 4 was in the back saying nothing, being a good little boy. I said to DH, why don't you walk if you are frustrated and I will drive and meet you there(I had seen on my phone map that we were 1.7 miles away). He spitted that I always say stuff that doesn't mean anything and don't know what I am on about, and how could I expect him to walk on a verge with stingers. He chose to stay in the car and keep complaining that we were missing all the best stuff.

We finally got there and we didn't miss the best stuff, but there was a bit of a walk to the arena. DS is only little and cannot walk fast but I could see DH face getting more and more annoyed as he cannot walk slow.

On the way home, I confronted him about his behaviour and said he behaved like a prick. I know I should not have use that name (but it was the first time I used any insult in 16 years of being together and it was probably the first time I stood up to him).

He did not take kindly to that and rolled his eyes, shut down the conversation and refused to help me navigate home. There were several roads closed and I didn't know where I was going. I asked him if I should go right and he made out he didn't know (with attitude). I proceeded to turn right and it was wrong and he screamed at me (turn fucking left!!!!) luckily DS was sleeping.

A horrible atmosphere followed for a couple of days. I apologised for using the p word. Suggested couples counselling (which was originally his idea but he was now saying he would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking in front of a stranger).

I asked him if he wanted something to eat for dinner one evening and he didn't answer me or look at me. I asked him again, he said yes please. I made him the dinner which he was pleased with because afterwards he was hugging me. So confusing, he oscillates from moods to being happy i can't keep up with it.

When I tried to discuss it last night again, he shut it down and made it my problem that people get frustrated from time to time and I am unable to deal with this which is normal. I said it isn't acceptable if it makes me feel terrible and he replied in a sarcastic tone that he was sorry for getting frustrated and disturbing 'your lovely life'.

I know the traffic situation seems minor, but it is just to illustrate. It makes my stomach feel tight and puts me on edge.

Who has the problem? Is it me being sensitive, or is it quite common for partners to behave this way when they are annoyed?

Thanks

I hope you're ok. Finding strength is hard.

Why on earth do you need to be the one who leaves?

You can make him leave

The first step is always the hardest but you sound like you have an outline of a plan as well as some financial independence so you are better placed than many.

If you are leaving Monday try and get passports birth Certs etc together tomorrow and maybe discreetly start getting the basics clothing etc. together. It may also be worth getting some cash out sunday/Monday just so you have it to hand should you need it.

Like other posters, my father was similar as I was growing up. His behaviour and the way I learned to deal with it has informed and tainted every single adult relationship I have had, including friendships. He destroyed my mother, and fucked up my sister. The damage he left in his wake is indescribable. I haven't had anything to do with him for 15 years.

Getting out is absolutely the right decision. Good luck.

I'm glad to hear you're leaving him OP. Your son will be so grateful in later life. If you feel your resolve slipping at any point, please remember the advice on here particularly from previous posters who have resented one parent for not leaving an abusive partner. You are 100% doing the right thing by leaving.

I rarely post on threads such as these, but, as fearfully abusive as your DH is, what did it for me was that your friend wanted to leave a key for you went she went on holiday. That is someone who has seen enough and has your back.

Good luck.

Thank you all, there is just one glitch - we have a holiday booked with my pils in a couple of weeks. It would ruin their holiday if I didn't go

Echt - I asked my friend for the key

Spoiling their holiday isn't your problem, protecting your child is. Don't go, they know how their son is let them take him and use as an opportunity to talk to him.

You're not ruining their holiday, it's their son who is.

Make yourself safe first OP. There will always be something that's stopping you from leaving.

You and your son are priority.

Sod the holiday.
He's going to ruin it anyway.
You really do need to look after yourself and your son.

Be strong. Don't worry about the holiday - be strong to his parents and explain that his anger & control issues are now so severe its abuse. It's affecting you & their grandson & you will no longer both be abused.

It must be bad if your friend has left you a safe place to go. Good luck x

He won't ruin the hol though - he isn't always nasty. I am not finding excuses because I know he will eventually have an episode that will create a horrible atmosphere, I am just saying holiday is when he is on top form.

So he CAN behave himself. Just not to you and his son.

Your PIL's holiday is not your responsibility OP, your DS's physical and emotional safety are.

"I'm not looking for an excuse"

Erm, yeah you are. It's natural but fortunately it doesn't wash here.

OP you've already said your son is clingy to you when his father is home, won't let his own father put him to bed etc... That is NOT normal. That's the actions of a frightened child.

Squirrel your (you and DS) passports into your bag. Take out as much cash as you physically can (as blocking cards and financial abuse is one of the first things abusers will do if you leave in an attempt to control you and get you to come crawling back to apologise for your behaviour)

Would you like DS to treat his future partners and children the way his father treats you?

You've spent so long being conditioned into believing that you have no power. You actually hold all the cards. You have the power to change the situation. You may not believe it because you have been bullied into believing otherwise but you have the ability to save yourself and DS from this situation.

The holiday is not your problem. If you put off leaving for that reason another reason will come along. If your son doesn't want to be alone with his father, that is a child living in fear.

Holidays don't matter, you and your son do.
I'm very concerned that this will escalate into physical violence, the EA is bad enough. You can't live with fear like this, it will make you ill. It will make your son ill.
OP, everything can be worked out but only if you are away from this manipulative aggressive man.

Whether you asked or not she gave them to you!!!
As others have said, sod the holiday. It's a red herring. There will always be something - your son is starting school so it would be too much change, it's nearly Christmas, it's nearly Easter, oh look now it's the summer hols again... And on and on it goes. This is a golden opportunity.

Raining sleeping bags could not have put it better with this
His behaviour and the way I learned to deal with it has informed and tainted every single adult relationship I have had, including friendships.

I rub along better than my siblings but I struggle/can't have healthy functioning relationships (family, friends, partners and at work). Your son is learning terrible behaviour lessons even during the "good times". Amongst other things, he is being implicitly taught that by not trying harder, not preempting enough he is "making" your husband behave like this. This is a terrible thing for a child to carry.

You are looking for an excuse op. My friend is much the same, first it was their holiday then dc1s birthday then difficult time at work then friend's wedding then dc2 birthday...

Each one she swore was the last, a decade on she is miserable and the kids are upset and resentful. They believe she stayed for them and its messed them up. They feel like they weren't good enough kids and if they had been their parents wouldn't have argued or could have divorced.

You need to recognize its an excuse and that there will never be a good time. You need to do it while strong or you'll be posting about him for the rest of his life. Your pil can go without you. Only you oh has ruined things by ruining your relationship and being abusive.

Also, at some point (maybe this year, maybe next) he'll start ruining the holidays too.
At first by picking fights etc. in private and then giving you the silent treatment/playing a few mind games but 10-15years down the road he'll quite happily humiliate and abuse you and your kids in front of everyone.

It would ruin their holiday if I didn't go

Oh no. And that would be the end of the world would it?

There will be other holidays. They will potentially see how bad he is if you have had to leave and [OMG] ruin their holiday.

You really need a sense of perspective here.

Plus how will you pil understand if you play happy families like nothing is wrong? By not enjoying a holiday you say to them 'this is how bad it is I cant even contemplate the holiday.

So he's on top form on holiday OP, so he's not like this every day of the week. So what? The fact is it happens often enough that you've spoken to people about it, posted about it and considered leaving. Even when he's in a good mood you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop aren't you?

I mean this in a non critical way but you've spent years excusing his behaviour, minimising it. You were trained to do it by your own upbringing. Look at your thread title and opening post. You use the word frustrated. This isn't frustration, I would use words like angry, controlling, belittling, selfish to describe the behaviours you've posted about and you are allowed to make the choice to NOT put up with that. Someone else holiday or whatever else may be upcoming is irrelevant. You and DS are unhappy, that's reason enough to leave. Be strong

It isn't you OP

Your DH sounds like an emotional abusive tosser .. Believe Me, I can spot one miles off as I once lived with one.

Don't go on holiday with them because by then he will know his control and abuse of you is unravelling and there is a very real chance of him becoming violent. This is not a chimp paradox or a man thing,this is abuse of you OP and your son.

My DF was a bit like your DH whilst I was growing up. I felt scared quite a lot of the time and nervous as I couldn't 'fix' whatever was making him shout and moan.

Sad to think of a child desperately trying to think up ways to make traffic go faster or make her legs longer. Your poor DS.

We went on holidays without him in the end as it was no pleasure when he came as he would just moan and moan on. It sounds like nothing but the continual loud expressions of anger and frustration really tainted quite a bit of my childhood and, like raining says, it resonates still in my life and relationships to this day. I've spent my entire life feeling as though I am a rotten person for no other reason that I can identify other that my very existence seemed to piss my DF off. And trying, trying, trying to be this elusive perfect person that would have saved the day and stopped the horrible atmosphere that pervaded so much. I'm still trying now and I'm pushing 40!

My own poor DH is, I think, petrified of expressing any anger or frustration as it sets off a disproportionate reaction in me! I can see that AIBU but I can't stop it as it sets off a whole juggernaut of childhood stuff. Still have my own problems with emotional regulation.

This isn't to blame my DF. I can see that he also had a difficult childhood and he did feel frustrated and angry a lot of the time but couldn't manage his emotions. I am desperate to break the cycle. I have occasionally found myself telling my DC that they are 'making' me feel a certain way and nearly bitten my tongue off!

Good luck OP - I really feel for you. It is know not fun to live the way that you are. You deserve to enjoy your life. So does your DS.