'The only way we've sorted a sleep prob in this house is controlled crying' - fuck off!!

[Smataya]

I text friend who has two under two how hard it's been of late with Ds 11 months just not sleeping. I've explained before he is just not a sleeper and likes to be close at night, wakes a lot for milk and that I'm doing attachment parenting. She knows how against cc I am and I will not ever leave my child to cry. Ds has not slept for longer than an hour since he was 5 months which is starting to take its toll, but as I say, he's just not a sleeper and it's tough.

Why the f is she doing this pa bull shit about cc over text?? She's been like eerr have you tried sleep training to me before and I just don't want to hear it. Her two sleep through and I just find it smug- she's got lucky and now claiming its all down to cc. Am I justified in texting back to say ftfo to the far side of fuck?!?!

You're not getting what you wanted from this thread op, you seem to be the only one who can't see that what you've doing isn't working, maybe you can't see clearly because you've so sleep deprived.

I cced it involved having the baby next to my bed in the mosses basket, when they woke up and started crying I would just put my hand on them, not get up or bf them, and tell them to go back to sleep. They cried for two to three minutes then went back to sleep. I repeated each time they woke and it took about two nights of this for them to start sleeping though. If you (and others) think that's abusive, then, well, I don't know what to say to that.

Maybe co sleeping isnt right for your DS? When I tried it with DS his sleep was even worse than in his cot. He was about 4 before he would sleep with me

Jesus Christ OP I really reall don't think you should be driving a car (or frankly in sole charge of children) in your state.

You are coming across as slightly unhinged, but then so would I be if I hadn't slept longer than an hour in a year.

You are damaging yourself, and possibly your child. Why the blinkered adherence to a parenting method which is ruining your life and making you feel like shit?

You ow parenting is supposed to be a positive experience, right?

The thing is op, your current method isn't working for you or your baby. You are both exhausted. You can't stick rigidly with it come hell or high water and expect things to just magically transform overnight. Sleep depravation is dangerous and unhealthy. CC does not have to be the answer, but you need to be open to other ideas and methods -currently your poor baby is struggling and you can't be selfish (I'm not saying you are doing this purposely of course!). Perhaps your baby isn't enjoying co-sleeping? My son would never ever settle in our bed (too warm, whingy and fidgety) but would instantly settle in his own cot in the dark, cool and quiet. Nobody here is saying you have to detach and never cuddle your baby or let him cry for hours on his own (CIO not CC). Perhaps it's time to open yourself up to new ideas? Good luck OP

Op, what exactly is it about cc that makes you so anti? What is the crying doing that's so awful.

The research was done on romanian orphans mainly and most statistics and facts about cortisone levels etc come from that

Hope you're OK OP.

Do you know what the cc method is, from the way you compare it to the NSPCC advert, makes me think you don't understand in detail how it works. Its certainly not leaving them to cry for hours on end.

We all do what we think is best obviously, but be flexible in your approach & not so dogmatic that AP is the only way.

I was AP with DS until he was nearly 2 until I nearly got sacked due to massive mistakes at work due to chronic sleep deprivation due to ds waking hourly for 18 months).

I now feel horrendously guilty as to how much I had failed him as a mother allowing him to develop such bad sleeping habits and how terrible and resentful I was as a parent due to repeated wakings and lack of sleep.

I was so selfish in wanting him near but honestly don't think it was helpful to him. What was was the four nights of Ferber (although realise I may as well say Satan) it took to help him develop a new healthy sleep routine, and within a week it was like we were a different family. We are not having any other children, but if we did I would still baby wear, bf on demand etc but would start developing self reliance at night from a younger age

Those who bang on about Ap, really don't realize that it's more about them wanting to seem like superior parents and not about the child. How are you doing the best for your child if he is crying endlessly and you being sleep deprived. Oh wait it's all about Ap and the best interests of your child

Regardless of your thoughts on CC your current method is not working, if you aren't willing to accept the methods your friend uses then you have to try something else. There is no point lashing out and calling your friend smug, it worked for her obviously as her children sleep through. In all honesty nothing will change until your mindset does. Stop being an Indulgent parent and look at what both you and your child needs

What are the results long term? I knew nothing of CC with my first and did an adhoc form of AP, by the time he was a year old and not sleeping through we were frazzled and bad tempered all the time, and sometimes falling asleep in situations that were not safe. With DS2 we did very gentle CC and as we did it from very early on it worked extremely well.

They are both grown up now, both happy and secure. I can't see the point in living a miserable life for months on end, I suspect some parents just like being martyrs.

I think if you ask other people for advice then you need to live with it.

Personally I don't like cc and didn't use it, I mainly used 'pick up/put down' and then the no cry sleep solution for early waking. Maybe consider those?

thatsshallot has got it right. Mix it up. Do what works for your family. It's Ok to be anti cc but that doesn't mean you have to be solely ap either. I was baby led in some ways, ap in others, and I've done cc and implementing a routine etc. I have 2 *3.5 year old now, with their own personalities. One is like a limpet and one is a dreamer, happiest in his own space. Nothing to do with any parenting style, just their way of being.

I agree with pp how is cc cruel but having a baby awake half the night not btw im not having a dig just wondering

This thread is so polarised, there really is a middle ground. I had a non sleeper, we also have a broadly AP/gentle parenting approach.

I never did controlled crying (I strongly believe its damaging, particularly in young babies, even for one night). I went back to work at 11months, despite waking 3-4 times in the night to feed. I made it work.

She is now 2, she sleeps all night: we gently encouraged her into her own room around 15 months (gradual retreat, no crying or upset, if she got upset we went back a step for a week and then tried again), we gradually stopped feeding at night (tried daddy going in with water, if she was upset I would go and feed and we would try again the next night), carried on during the day and she is now in the process of self weaning completely at 28 months.

Not sure if this has been mentioned yet OP as I haven't read every single post, but buy the No Cry Sleep Solution and try out some of the ideas. It's mostly common sense but it helped me get my thoughts in order. You don't have to compromise your principles to achieve good sleep habits; and you are not damaging your baby by refusing to do cc. We all find out own way, you'll get there.

Your child is much more likely to be damaged neurologically form lack of sleep than if you left him for five minutes to self soothe. Have you looked at research into the effects of brain development and lack of sleep in babies? Seems you're more interested in point scoring and not wanting to loose face, rather than what's best for your baby.
My adult kids were left to self soothe and have no lasting damage. Both done well at school, have full time jobs, are empathic law abiding citizens and in relationships.

Some people just won't be helped guys. That's clear here.

Op if you don't care about your safety driving in your sleep deprived state then you could at least care about your own child and our children who might be crossing the road in front of you.

I did gradual retreat with dd1 20 odd years ago if was like magic she stopped sleeping properly at 10 months i was on my arse with no sleep

The simple fact is, that you are ignoring your child's most basic need in attempt to meet all his needs

I co-slept with 4 of mine. I would never agree with CC for a tiny baby (unless there are extreme circumstances) but at 11 months old? That is totally different. Children grow up secure and loved when their needs are met, and one of those needs is sleep.. it is important for his development and happiness. He hasn't learned to self-soothe and he needs help learning how to now.

Attachment parenting is about meeting the child's needs, it's as simple as that, those who practice CC are doing just that as well. It is silly to attach a label to your parenting and follow all the rules when it isn't working for you. Children turn out happy and loved when they are loved, CC will not result in an unhappy child and it is quite insulting that you think it will.

Stop worrying about some stupid parenting label and do what needs to be done so you can get some sleep and so your child can get some sleep. It will not harm him, he is nearly 1 years old. I know you wanted support but you won't get much of it here when you are sleep deprived which is dangerous and your child is not getting the sleep he needs. There are many other ways if CC is not for you.

I think you would have got sympathy and support if you weren't instantly aggressive and insulting in your opening post. I appreciate you are sleep deprived but I don't think it excuses you because you've openly said that you are choosing this. You want this parenting 'method' and expecting your friends to listen to you complain is unreasonable.

Nope cc crying is in no way damaging there's no research that supports that.

Again cc isn't cio

My 4 are the happy sucessful funny kind adults.

I feel very sorry for you op but sorrier for your son.

U2 fantastic post. Absolutely sums it up.

As a parent I have risk assessed the situation we are in. We are perfectly safe, but thank you. Actually, I'm interested to hear that cc isn't cio... Maybe I've got it a bit wrong, ok

OK ok. How do I do it then and still co sleep? And b feed?. Sorry really grumpy and crazy and teary.

Honestly look at no cry sleep solution, doesn't work as quickly as Ferber but does help and comes from standpoint of family bed