'The only way we've sorted a sleep prob in this house is controlled crying' - fuck off!!

[Smataya]

I text friend who has two under two how hard it's been of late with Ds 11 months just not sleeping. I've explained before he is just not a sleeper and likes to be close at night, wakes a lot for milk and that I'm doing attachment parenting. She knows how against cc I am and I will not ever leave my child to cry. Ds has not slept for longer than an hour since he was 5 months which is starting to take its toll, but as I say, he's just not a sleeper and it's tough.

Why the f is she doing this pa bull shit about cc over text?? She's been like eerr have you tried sleep training to me before and I just don't want to hear it. Her two sleep through and I just find it smug- she's got lucky and now claiming its all down to cc. Am I justified in texting back to say ftfo to the far side of fuck?!?!

Shit, zombie thread

evolutionaryparenting.com/when-your-infants-sleep-isnt-normal/ Baby could have medical problems, maybe it's a first signal of being neourodiverse and very sensitive. You could explore that, but cruel attitude (cry it out) is not an answer. Stay strong! :) For others - no, you can't be attachment parent and cry it out parent at the same time.

Hi OP I do think you are over reacting with your friend. Could the lack of sleep be clouding your judgment a bit? I know I couldn’t cope with 11 months of only sleeping an hour at a time. It sounds like he hasn’t connected his sleep cycles.

Im not sure what the answer is to your baby sleeping as all methods I have read about even the very gentle ones would involve little bit of crying.

It’s not a bad thing to let your child cry a bit so that they learn to self regulate and begins to understand emotions in my opinion. Can I ask why won’t you let him cry ever OP?

Oh no zombie thread I hope the OP little one is sleeping a bit by now!

When a friend complains they are looking for one of two things - to vent or for advice. Your friend has assumed you are looking for advice. Just tell her - thanks but I was just venting - I am happy with my parenting choices. And she is probably using text as she doesn’t want to disturb you - you maybe getting in a sneaky nap. I think the sleep deprivation has made you overly sensitive. She’s not being smug - just trying to help you.

She's telling you what worked for you. Yabu in your response which I suspect tried Ness.

Well, much as I love the idea of attachment parenting, you have discovered the downfall, along with thousands of other exhausted parents. Next time you have a baby, consider putting them down for a sleep after a feed and a change, right from birth, and you might find as I did, that you never have to put your child through the trauma of learning to self sooth when they are older.
You have chosen your way of parenting, now you have to deal with the fact that you have trained your baby to use you as their way of getting back to sleep. Your friend suggested something that is reasonable, and you are reacting as if her method is unbelievably cruel. Out of interest, when are you planning to just put your child to bed and expect them to go to sleep? It won't just happen by itself. I can see you joining all those other parents desperate for an evening watching TV but instead lying in their child's bed all evening because they've trained the child not to be able to go to sleep alone.

You sound miserable. I feel sorry for you and your kid.
Sleep deprivation is torture.

However, I'm also an advocate of cc.
Everyone needs sleep and we all function properly after a decent rest.
Keep doing what you're doing if you want but don't expect much change or improvement until the child is significantly older.
I'm not really an advocate for co-sleeping either, for obvious reasons, although I know there are many who are.

cc has worked for many people, myself included. I personally feel that 2 nights of upset is vastly outweighed by the benefits of getting a solid 10h sleep every night from that point onwards. Getting little sleep or not sleeping for more than an hour at a time isn’t good for your child’s development.

Whilst it's not your fault your child is not a good sleeper, it's not her fault hers are!
I can imaging how difficult it is for you but it sounds as if she is simply sharing her approach (even if naively).

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She's trying to be helpful. She offered advice - a solution that worked for her.

You don't have to take it, but not do you have to get on you high horse about it.

Just say "That doesn't work for me" and leave it at that.

Those sleepless nights are distorting your thinking.

You know she does CC, so don't complain about a crap sleeper to her!

I had a dreadful sleeper, we didn't do CC and had friends who did. I just didn't talk about our sleep issues to them.

@Smataya

Sorry confused x post- i just cannot believe the only way is cc.

I'm with your friend - for one of my kids CC was absolutely the only and best solution....He was a happier baby all round once he got some sleep.

The issue you have is that if you are happy with what is happening now, then don't moan...If you tell people babies aren't sleeping they will try to help you fix it.

If you haven’t slept for more than an hour at a time because the baby hasn’t, you need to do something. Attachment parenting in the way you do it isn’t working and you will make yourself ill.

Dr Sears' (the attachment guru)advice is that the best sleeping arrangement is the one where everyone gets the most sleep. Could you try co-sleeping or similar. There is a great book called The Gentle Sleep book which is about gently encouraging them to change their sleeping habits and you can go it and cuddle them if they/ you need it.

@PrettyMaMa Why have you revived this Zombie thread?

Hopefully the OP and her 7yo have solved their sleep problems by now.

I would think your sleep deprivation is making you aggie.
If your child is not sleeping for more than an hour than that’s not right. My son did not sleep through until he was 4.5 years old so I read a lot of books and hired 3 sleep consultants.
If he’s not sleeping for more than an hour he does not have the ability to get him self back to sleep after he ends a sleep cycle. Our bodies wake up a little bit after each sleep cycle to double check we are still in a safe environment. If you have been helping him get back to sleep he has not learnt how to do it himself. It’s like if you carried him all the time he would not be teaching himself to walk.
It doesn’t mean you have to do controlled crying though. We did a system where we left the room for 1min and went back again. There is a difference between a baby crying which can help them relax and destress - and them getting hysterical to the point they get so tired from crying the go to sleep.

Oops zombie thread

OP, both yours and your friends babies will be fine because both of you care enough to meet their needs I wish you well with it. We are all just working out what works for our individual dc and you will get there. Dd1 cried more if we cuddled her or fussed, and was more settled in a darkened room (turns out she's very easily stimulated, into everything and also hates being touched), dd2 could be soothed to sleep by stroking her cheek (she's a girl who needs her friends and touch a bit more). Our culture and other people can help a bit because its built on years of experience and knowledge and instinct. I would suggest that you and dh keep talking and work out what you want to take from other people's advice and how you want to steer this ship together and then you will be ok. Ignore the extremes and take what works for you. Best luck with your little one.

You’re not unreasonable for being knackered and fed up, and happy with your choice of attachment parenting. If you know already she’s a controlled cry fan, I’d have picked somebody else to vent with, someone who will be sympathetic.

Sorry op that's really tough one hour at a time.
Maybe she is genuinely worried about you and sharing what worked for her... albeit clumsily and not very tactfully.
As a parent you will be given unwanted advice. Smile and say Thank you but it's not how I wish to parent to me leaving a baby to cry is cruel.

If you tell someone about a problem you'd like help with they will probably try and help you based on their knowledge and experience. It doesn't mean the solution will work for you, but it might. There is no need to be so aggressive, I think she is trying to help not upset you!

Honestly if a DC was not sleeping longer than an hour I'd be trying some other methods, even if you think they are too radical. I think it's really important children learn to soothe themselves and learn to go to sleep and establish a good routine. If not I have found they find life something difficult because they haven't learnt an important skill. My children are late teens and I have this myself.

Hi all

This is a zombie thread - we're closing it now.