DH will not go to his fucking bed

[toddlersareeasier]

He is waiting up for DS, who is 20. FFS. I don't understand why he is doing this. Who wants to come in from a night out and have their dad open the door??

I have told him to come to bed and not sleep. I have told him that I'll stay downstairs if he wants ( I could sleep on the couch). I am this fucking close to yelling at him- the DC have asked him soooo many times to go to his bed and he won't fucking listen.

I can't understand why he is behaving like this.

Why don't you go to bed and leave him to it? He's an adult, he can decide what time he goes to bed.

Does your DH being up so late affect his mood, behaviour, work etc? Sorry I'm just wondering why it makes a difference if you've offered to sleep on the sofa to wait for DS? Why not let DH get on with it and you enjoy your bed

In fairness it's not as if he's gone out looking for DC in a fancy dress wonder woman costume. It's nice to hear that he cares about them to make sure they get home safely.

Because he's being a twat and it's annoying me.

They can get home themselves though. He knows that. He doesn't need to open the door for them and they've asked him not to!

Go to bed. I think you need the sleep.

Don't understand?
Why can't he let himself in the house and oh bed when he's ready?
Do you mean he's making too much noise and waking everyone up?

It's his choice, let him get on with it. Enjoy having the bed to yourself.

What is his reason for staying up though? is he worried, or is he just checking up on your DS?
Totally agree with your DS and you, btw, I wouldn't have wanted my Dad sitting up waiting for me at that age!

Who's he hurting? As long as he isn't staying up to read the riot act about getting in late and is merely staying up out of fatherly concern so he can greet his child and go to bed safe in the knowledge that they it home safely I don't really see the problem.

My dad would still come and pick me up from nights out at that age if asked and would sometimes offer, though was perfectly happy for me get buses and cabs.

He's probably annoyed at you banging on about him going bed when he doesn't want to. You're treating him like a child because he's treating his child like a child...

Not sure if his DC are your's too or your DSC, but even at 20 yo, I would want house rules to exist. It isn't a hotel, surely so at 3am when you did your OP, the DS should be home and in bed. That would be the case in my house, it is a question of having boundaries.

Could your DH instil those boundaries. It would be a conversation like "coming back home at 3am on a week night is disruptive (and selfish). Let's agree a reasonable time for you to be home, otherwise feel free to avail yourself of alternative accommodation"

Why are you offering to stay up instead? Surely you are hoping for both of you to be in bed?

we always stay up for the kids (14,17 and 19) to make sure they're home safe and have had a good night.

When we go out DS (19) waits up for us to make sure we're home ok.

It works for us, and the big difference is none of us mind. We know everyone's home safe and the house is properly secured and locked up once we all eventually get to bed.

Is there a reason your DH waits up? Has your DS forgotten to lock up one night or come home in a very sorry state before?

Is your DH very controlling, or is he a worrier? Does he just go to bed when DS gets in, relieved that he is safe, or does he score emotional warfare points?

Your DS is an adult now but parents are always parents and will always worry. When my siblings and I were young adults at home we had a system for indicating that we were back so that the last person to arrive home was responsible for switching off the downstairs lights and deadlocking the front door. Nevertheless one of our parents was always awake (although in bed) until that point. We had house rules that we would all observe a 2am curfew and never come home so drunk as to be unable to switch off the downstairs lights and deadlock the front door out of consideration for the fact that we were still in the family home. The freedom to not have to observe any such rules was available as soon as we got up the momentum to start living independently elsewhere.

Some rules like that for your DS wouldn't go amiss - if there are some boundaries your DH may worry less. If he's staying awake and dressed because he thinks he might have to leap in the car at any moment to be with DS in hospital or a police station then his attitude is understandable although probably an overreaction.

Well I'm guessing ds came home safe and well?

We have ds1-20 and when he first started going out I would be worried about him walking home, he often doesn't get home ( when back from university) until 4/5 in the morning depending on how good the night out had been.

I insist he sends me a text when he starts his walk home so I have an idea of when he should arrive back and I always remind him never ever to walk home by the river!

Anyway , is your dh an anxious sort convinced he will be needed or a controlling type looking to assess how pissed ds is?

He seems to have real anxiety relating to this. Staying up until the early hours to ensure that another adult gets in and locks the door is quite unusual behaviour when waiting up isn't normal practice within the family. Have a chat with him durImg the day when he's not fretting about someone, find out what's behind this.

20 is a weird age. It depends on the young person involved mind you.

20 is past the bit where you wait up to make sure they're actually alive and well; that would be 16 to 18 for me, but it's still young enough to feel responsible for them being safe (if they still live at home).

When I was this age I wouldn't have wanted someone waiting up for me. In the same vein, the dh is an adult and can do what he wants. The odd occasion when someone was up when I got home, it didn't bother me. It didn't effect me. I walked in said 'hi, good night' and went off to bed.

When I was 20, I was on th either side of the world to my family... Your dh is being a bit silly, he needs to back off a bit, unless there is good reason to worry.

Boundaries for a 20yr old

When a DC continues to live in the family home, then I see no problem in boundaries being agreed, they are just ones appropriate to a 20 yo who is lucky enough to still be living at home and having all the benefits of those facilities.

If they are allowed to use the place like a hotel, then it's making a rod for their own back. Choices exist!

Lmao at Daisy and her boundaries. It doesn't matter what time they come in from a night out - you seem incredibly controlling.

Do you have a 20 year old?

I hate it when my DH asks me or tells me t go to bed. It's MY choice when I go to bed ffs! OP why do you need to tell your DH to go to bed?

Op, yes totally agree with you. I would have been mortified if my dad had done that to me, how embarrassing. I think I would go to be bed and leave him to it if he wants to make an idiot of himself.

It isn't a hotel, surely so at 3am when you did your OP, the DS should be home and in bed.

he's 20!

I would have just gone to sleep on the couch.
Downstairs is open plan, and DH opens the door and goes 'well?' like a police officer.

DS is really good, he doesn't deserve to come into that.

The most important thing is that the older DC have also asked him to stop, and he hasn't. I've tried speaking to him, nada. He could come to bed and doze and still be able to hear when he comes in.

Boundaries for a 20 year old? do you have a 20 year old? Ds is 21, and has just come back from uni. I don't know where he is 1/2 the time.