DH will not go to his fucking bed

[toddlersareeasier]

He is waiting up for DS, who is 20. FFS. I don't understand why he is doing this. Who wants to come in from a night out and have their dad open the door??

I have told him to come to bed and not sleep. I have told him that I'll stay downstairs if he wants ( I could sleep on the couch). I am this fucking close to yelling at him- the DC have asked him soooo many times to go to his bed and he won't fucking listen.

I can't understand why he is behaving like this.

TwinkieTwinkle

I am indeed! Gotta love £2 tequila shots during Hive 'til Five

Fluffy
My dad used to wait up for me (I was 16, left home at 17) and he'd always fall asleep. I used to put the lounge clock back to the time I was supposed to be home then wake him up and change it back when he'd gone to bed. It worked a treat

No! Not Hive 'til five! I'm only 26 and feel too old for it! You may find me falling out of Opium though...

DH uncle had DH GP doing this in his 40s - meant he worried about their health which was poor so he stopped going out. Long list of such actions which probably explain why he was still there in his 40s and now in his 50's is a full time carer to them.

My own father was awful - and I found it very hard to come back from university where I had freedom to having to explain and justify why I wanted to be out after 8 pm and if it was after 10 pm even if previously agreed he'd have a fit as I was keeping him up.

Hopefully your DS will just shrug it of op.

Waves as other end edinburgh festival goers. My daughter started going out when she was 17 to festival stuff so came in at 5am frequently. They're now 20 and 22 and all they have to do is say they'll be late, come in quietly and text if they're not coming home. They are both away from home now and it works. I never waited up. Just went to sleep.

TwinkieTwinkle

I'm 25 and wouldn't dare set foot in Hive! I'm far too old for that sort of malarkey now

Hive has a very particular smell - like jaegerbombs and desperation?

I think being unable to sleep until your child is home safe is quite excusable.

What isn't excusable is allowing that to have an impact on them.

MIL couldn't sleep until DH was in when I met him aged 21. She used to remind him of this every night before we went out and impose a 10.30pm curfew. She would then comment the next day on whether he had kept to it.

This was part of a pervasive pattern of controlling behaviour that I found frankly bizarre.

If you can't sleep until your DCs are home, go to bed and, when they are in, go to sleep. Don't make it their problem and certainly don't wait up and demand an explanation from a 20YO of why they are so late when they do arrive.

I would like my DCs to be able to enjoy nights out without having to watch the clock and think about the repercussions of staying out as long as they want. Soon enough they will have work and family commitments of their own to impose that on them.

Helen with a whiff of arrogant bouncers, just to make it all the more appealing.

TwinkieTwinkle

The Hive bouncers are infamous for being total pricks.

They threw me out once but, to be fair, I'd fallen asleep standing up with my head against a sloping ceiling

They are knobs. One of my friends got really drunk so I took her up to the taxi rank and then went back. They refused to let me back in because she had been drunk. I was sober. Bizarre!

My mum would never properly sleep until she heard us come in. She wouldn't stay downstairs but she couldn't relax until she was sure we were home and safe.

Do we really stop giving a shit about safety just because our kids have reached a magic number? if your kids don't live at home then clearly you don't know about their comings and goings so it's out of your hands, though I can't imagine not at least wondering if they were home and safe if away from home.

I really hope I Am as concerned about my DC's well being and safety when they're adults as I do now.

DPs DS is 20 and sometimes comes in as the sun is coming back. Neither DP nor I wait up for him - we just go to sleep. I tend to vaguely hear him when he comes in, but then roll over and go back to sleep again.

I know my mum could never sleep until I got in. So I tended to not go out very much. I hope having a practice attempt with one 20 year old means that by the time my DC are at an age when they go out, I won't stifle them.

Go to sleep. I don't see the problem.
If your OH wants to wit up for your DS then let him.
It's nice that he cares.
It's also nice that you have the bed to yourself.
I would be starfishing.

Bloody hell, I'd left home by 20. At 18 I was often letting myself in around the same time my dad was leaving for work!

I've no idea how I will react when the DDs are of an age to stay out really late. Hopefully I won't be too anxious and I do love my sleep!

My DS is a bit more considerate. If he is planning a late night then he stays at a friends house.

As I've explained, staying at a friend's house isn't a solution because they are all still at home.

I know he cares, but he is smothering them. He can lie awake in bed, it'll make no difference and gives them a bit of privacy when they come in.

Going to try and talk to him tomorrow.

Daisy. Do your house rules apply equally to all adults in the house, do you also need to be in bed by 3?

believe me, I lurve my sleep too much, we can be in bed by 9 pm some nights, especially in winter. DSS18 is no different, he goes to bed when we do (out of choice!) In fact, we've said to him, we're off to bed now and he heads along with us - bungalow (he actually doesn't like staying up when we've gone to sleep). So we all have different house-rules and patterns, which is why I felt it was best to back out of this discussion, as I'm obviously being no help at all

*The thought of being awake at 3am wouldn't have appealed to me even as a 20 yo! And in answer to a PP, no I couldn't stand clubbing, even at the age of 20 (much prefer small gatherings with less noise). Probably makes me weird, never mind.

from the little info given....your DH stays up to ask a grown adult why he is home so late? There's no excuse for that. I guess that's what the "well?" is about? How rude.

A 20 year old can come and go as they please as long as they don't disturb others. If you are annoyed that DH is treating DS this way, I would be annoyed as well. And if DH felt the need to stay up to see the grown adult safely home, I'd wonder if he was one of those parents who expects their child to text them constantly when they move out?

It was sweet, looking out for me but not being too in your face about it. I think he did it with my brother too but we kept different hours etc. He always liked the house closed up properly which meant all inhabitants inside and doors deadlocked. It's a nice memory to have.

I stay at my fella's when ds who is 18 is out on the lash. He is always tucked up at home snoring when I return in the morning. He also knows he can ring me if he needed to. A parent waiting up is daft imho let them enjoy their drunken pizza and then get their head down.

OP, it seems like your 20 year old is being treated like a kidult rather than an adult. It's not really healthy, is it, and sends the message that he's still a child (and a codependent relationship? yes to that).

My DS left home three years ago at 17 to start an apprenticeship in another city. He's the same age as your DS now and, when he visits he comes and goes as he pleases. He has been managing his life independently for three years and would not be impressed to suddenly be treated like an immature teen.

Your DH has issues, it would be wise to address them.

Bloody hell - my DD is 20 and I do not stay up. I leave the hall light on so when I wake up in the night (I tend to doze on and off until she gets in) I know if she is back as she turns it off when she gets in.