DH will not go to his fucking bed

[toddlersareeasier]

He is waiting up for DS, who is 20. FFS. I don't understand why he is doing this. Who wants to come in from a night out and have their dad open the door??

I have told him to come to bed and not sleep. I have told him that I'll stay downstairs if he wants ( I could sleep on the couch). I am this fucking close to yelling at him- the DC have asked him soooo many times to go to his bed and he won't fucking listen.

I can't understand why he is behaving like this.

In what way is it inconsiderate to choose your own bedtime as an adult, Daisy? You can come in late without disturbing anyone. It doesn't effect anyone else in the house. 'Treating the house like a hotel' refers to not pulling your weight with the chores, I can't see any relevance to choosing to go out in the evening like an ordinary young adult.

The father here is choosing to also stay up late for no actual reason, and that's his problem, not the son's.

the 'well' would drive me nuts, as either the 'child' or the other parent. It's so rude, for one thing. And why does he think he's owed an apology/explanation anyway?

OP - he won't explain why he does it? What his problem is with coming home late? Does he think there's a rule in place that is being broken? If you went out late would he being waiting on the doorstep with a 'well?' for you too? Mr. Control freak.

I can only think it's a secret plan to make your kids move out of the house as soon as they are able. Even if not deliberately, it's what'll happen. It's the reason I moved out at 18.

Twenty! No 'previous' for bringing back a vast horde of drunken randoms? Or forgetting his key or leaving fires lit or chips frying?

Did your FIL do it to DH? The fun police waiting to give a welcome? Surely better to talk rationally in the daytime if there is anything bothering your DH.

My late MIL used to wait up for DH until he left home to marry me at the age of 26.I thought it was quite sweet and was a bit miffed that my mum didn't do the same for me. DH waited up for both of our DC until they left home but he did it quietly.

*Daisy I can't believe that having due consideration for one's parents in their home is bordering on the abusive and controlling.

Due consideration isn't. But due consideration is stuff like not waking others up by forgetting key/slamming door, not dangeorusly drunkenly cooking, that sort of thing. Doing your fair share of housework and having a clear arrangement re. rent/board and sticking to it.

"Respecting your parents" as a veiled code for "You must do what I say regardless of reason" will create a rebellious child, if anything!

"Respecting your parents" as a veiled code for "You must do what I say regardless of reason" will create a rebellious child, if anything!

Obviously the DS in this instance is an adult now, but I am referring to this parenting attitude in general.

I don't get it? Why do you have to change what you are do I no because he is being an annoying dad?

Just leave him to it. I don't demand my DH goes to bed/sleeps at any particular time.

"I can't believe that having due consideration for one's parents in their home is bordering on the abusive and controlling."

I have three dses, aged 18, 20 and nearly 22. The due consideration I expect from them, daisy, is that they come in quietly, lock the door behind them, don't make a lot of noise when they have come in, and come in more or less when they have said they will, or drop us a text, so if we wake up the following morning, and they aren't there, we don't worry.

Dh and I go to bed. We may wake up when they come in, but we don't always - and we certainly don't wait up for them, or even kip on the couch waiting for them to come in.

Ds1 has just graduated after 3 years of university, ds2 has just finished his second year, and ds3 goes to university in the Autumn. When they are away, I have no idea what they are doing, where they are, or what time they finally come home at night - and they have all survived thus far, hence me being more relaxed when they are at home.

When I was that age I'd come home, open the door oh so quietly, avoid the creaky floorboard only to hear my dad shouting from his bed 'is you home hen? Lock the door properly' and I'd shout back 'no I'm a burglar where are the valuables?' To which he'd then shout 'if you find any let me know g'night' My parents never slept properly till we were all in and safe, I thought that was normal.

Fluffyears you made me laugh :-)

I can't believe that having due consideration for one's parents in their home is bordering on the abusive and controlling.

We've got two DSes (20&18). When DS1 is home, he's in the army, they very often go out together. All we ask is they come in quietly, make sure they lock the door and don't leave too much of a mess when they've made themselves something to eat.

We don't give them a time to come in, and certainly don't wait up. Very often they're not home until 4:30am and DH gets up at 5:20 so there'd be no point in him going to bed.

This weekend they're going away together, maybe I should start writing out a list of rules?

He might be trying to check his pupils or something?

Is there any chance he knows something you don't, maybe he caught him doing hard drugs or something previously?

The father here is choosing to also stay up late for no actual reason, and that's his problem, not the son's.

He can stay up as long as he likes!

Fluffy, that's so sweet!

Your DS is an adult. It is his problem not yours. I'd leave them to sort it out between themselves.

Not sure if I am missing the point but is your DH worried about your DS safety OP. When I was young the hallway light would be left on, then when we came in we would turn it off so if my parents woke in the night they'd know we were in safe. Never waited up for us though.

Yes, The husband can also stay up as late as he likes.

That doesn't mean he gets to be arsey with child who also decided to stay up late.

OP - tell your son to snap out 'Well?!' at his Dad the split second the door opens next time. See how he likes it.

When I was 20 I was out until 2 or 3am every weekend, even worse during the Fringe festival when the clubs had a late licence and we'd crawl home at 5 or 6am! Some mornings I'd be going home on a bus full of people on their way to work

As long as my parents knew I was going to be late and I had my keys they didn't care. Your DH sounds bonkers and he's just going to piss all his kids off with this weirdo behaviour!

Take it you're from Edinburgh Helen? Good ol' festival opening!

Is there any chance he knows something you don't, maybe he caught him doing hard drugs or something previously?

Must admit this had crossed my mind

Treating the place as a hotel isn't about what time they get home after a night out, ffs. It's about expecting it to be cleaned and food cooked and showing no consideration for the other residents.

Having a late night is and should be perfectly OK, as an adult.

Daisy. Do your house rules apply equally to all adults in the house, do you also need to be in bed by 3?

I do not understand this at all. You all sound completely codependent. Your husband needs to be less involved in your son's bedtime, and you need to be less involved in your husband's bedtime.

Out of the three adults in this situation, it sounds like your son is the only one acting rationally.

My parents would never quite drop off until they know we'd come in - thought it helped that there was a security light above their bedroom window that would go off when we walked down the path, so that was enough for them to know that we were home and asleep.

That said if they'd done with the OP's DH does I'd have felt completely infantalised and been very cross. Adult DCs should be expected to behave as a lodger would, IMO - due consideration for use of facilities, not making noise late at night, not raiding the fridge, chipping in with cleaning. Not be treated like children.