DH will not go to his fucking bed

[toddlersareeasier]

He is waiting up for DS, who is 20. FFS. I don't understand why he is doing this. Who wants to come in from a night out and have their dad open the door??

I have told him to come to bed and not sleep. I have told him that I'll stay downstairs if he wants ( I could sleep on the couch). I am this fucking close to yelling at him- the DC have asked him soooo many times to go to his bed and he won't fucking listen.

I can't understand why he is behaving like this.

My mum had this knack of being in bed asleep but knowing exactly what time I crept through the door at that age.
Nobody ever ostentatiously waited up for me - why should they?

How many mothers still "accidentally" wait up for their children? Do we suggest they are controlling too?

What do you think Dhs motivation for waiting up is?

He is concerned I find that really sweet

I agree with you OP, this is over the top behaviour. Presumably DS has a key?

Haven't a clue house. I can't read him on this at all, and it's so frustrating.

It really isn't sweet or cute.

What's with the 'well' when da walks in?

baby it's not sweet, it sounds annoying for the 20 year old adult that his dad still waits up and has some expectation, what if I don't know?.

Of course 2cats.

*ds

The 'well' makes my teeth itch.

My husband waits up until one of our cats comes in.He likes to know she's home.

DH opens the door and goes 'well?' like a police officer.

Why??

Like other posters when i was 20 i had no one waiting up for me, but then i'd left home. (Mortgaged by 21 and 3 kids by mid 20s).

Is your DS an only or youngest child OP?

2 of my kids are in their early 20s. When they were late teens i'd lay awake for the sound of the key in the door if they were back late at night, but they'd not know that. DS must feel smothered; suppose he walks in with a GF? What a banana your DH is going to look.

Sounds annoying!
I would ignore and tell the dc that dh can stay up however late he wants.

Your DH is an adult. He can decide when to go to bed.

You can't dictate to him his bed time. It may be annoying but he can go to bed at whatever time just like your DC can come in at any time.

DS is actually second youngest. He was exactly the same with the older ones. They all asked him to stop and he just won't engage.

Even if he admitted to feeling anxious it would be better than this.

Daisy When a DC continues to live in the family home, then I see no problem in boundaries being agreed, they are just ones appropriate to a 20 yo who is lucky enough to still be living at home and having all the benefits of those facilities.

Surely the only 'boundaries' required are the general ones that would apply wherever adults live together? Doing fair share of chores, paying board etc. Why should parents be controling their bedtime/hometime at 20?! Nothing to do with them.

As for being "lucky" to still live at home, chances are he's actually "unlucky" due to insane house/rental prices meaning young people cannot move out as easily as in the past.

If they are allowed to use the place like a hotel ...
This old chestnut. Always strikes me as bordering on abusive/controlling territory... a sort of "you can't afford to move out, so you have to do what I want." Wouldn't be accepted in other relationships.

My dad used to do that. Drove me insane. Because he'd want a run through of what happened. I could barely get my leg over the threshold in a slightly drunken stupor and he wanted to know what happened?! Ugh. Basically it got to the point where I'd crash at my friends house and come home in the morning instead. Ahh what a rebel

Are you his boss?
Leave him to it FFS...no need for both of you to be sleep deprived.

sycamore!

All of DS' friends are still at home, so it's not really fair to crash with them unfortunately.

Loving the idea of 'boundaries' for a 20 year old and coming in at 3am as being unacceptable. Did you not go clubbing when you were younger daisy?

Well what? What answer is he expecting? 'Well I had a great night, thanks for asking, off to bed now, goodnight dad'.

What kind if explanation does he think is due to him? That is weird.

But I wouldn't have been awake at 3am with him. He wants to lose sleep over nothing and alienate his DCs, weird but up to him.

I can't believe that having due consideration for one's parents in their home is bordering on the abusive and controlling.

Clearly the DSs coming and going may be alright for some people but not for the DF. Therefore that's where they need to talk it through to get to a reasonable compromise. From all the Fing and Blinding in the OP it seems that hasn't happened and won't happen.

Good luck sorting it out, we all have different ways of approaching these things.

They have tried to talk to Dad but he won't listen, ,did you miss that Daisy?

Or... Op husband needs to let his adult son be an adult and go to fucking bed! The op thinks he is being unreasonable. There are no boundary or respect issues here, just a father unwilling to treat their adult son like an adult.