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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this friendship

54 replies

BelindaBagwash · 23/07/2015 17:10

A and I I have been friends since primary school - less so as the years went on as I got married and had kids and she didn't, so not so much in common. She did get married later and we found ourselves working together.

OH got a job in a local company after a longish period out of work. A's DH sacked him a few weeks ago, on some very minor allegations - no verbal or written warning - just dismissed. His parting shot was, "Don't bother going to a tribunal cos you haven't been here for two years"

I really don't think I can be friends with her any more, OH says that I shouldn't let it kill our friendship as it wasn't her doing, but I can't see her behaving the same way if it had been the other way round.

I am just so angry at the unfairness of it all that I don't want anything to do with either of them again.

OP posts:

jamtomorrow1 · 23/07/2015 17:18

Is it possible to carry on seeing your friend without seeing her partner? She may be totally appalled and embarrassed by his behaviour, and it doesn't sound as if she had anything to do with it.

Original poster

BelindaBagwash · 23/07/2015 17:21

I wasn't really in the habit of seeing her DH and we never did anything together as couples because she doesn't believe in that.

The thing that annoys me most is that she always harps on about how people in our town listen to gossip and don't bother to find out the truth and that is exactly what her DH has done.

OP posts:

AuntyMag10 · 23/07/2015 17:24

Why are you wanting to take it out on your friend she is not your oh employer so what did you expect her to do?

Original poster

BelindaBagwash · 23/07/2015 17:27

I don't want anything to do with somebody who's married to somebody who treated my OH like that.

If it had been the other way round I'd have been dropped like a stone.

OP posts:

browneyedgirl86 · 23/07/2015 17:29

I don't think this is your friends fault? Yes it can be awkward if you allow it to be but seems a bit harsh to end the friendship for her DH's actions.

TryToEngageBrainFirst · 23/07/2015 17:31

I'm so sorry about your OH and hope he finds another job soon. Is there no way he can appeal (HR? local CAB?). It sounds like an awful situation.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2015 17:33

I don't think you're friendship is that good if you're absolutely sure you'd be dropped like a stone if it was the other way round.

It's also not that good of you can't talk about it - have neither of you arranged to talk about it?

If you can honestly say that your Dh didnt do anything wrong then it will be more difficult to move on from as it's such opposing points of view.

If however you allow the possibility in your own mind that it's partly your dh's fault for making mistakes then maybe you can talk about it.

Pancakeflipper · 23/07/2015 17:33

I think I would keep away whilst feeling upset and hurt about it - but I wouldn't write off the friendship until feeling calmer to make a decision on it.

Cornettoninja · 23/07/2015 17:36

Tbh I'm struggling to think of a circumstance that a friendship could survive being the cause of someone else's unemployment. It's just a massive event.

I think you need to cut your losses and concentrate on moving forward. It can't be undone. Personally I would just let it die naturally, but if you feel that something does need to be said I would advise inflaming it any further. Maybe say it's just to raw and difficult right now and you need space to accept what's happened.

Sorry you're in such a situation. It's so stressful but keep plodding through, it will get better

scarlets · 23/07/2015 17:38

You say she doesn't want to socialise as couples with her partner - I wonder why. Perhaps they're unhappy, and he's taken it out on your OH to make things awkward for her. It's just a thought - I've no basis for that suspicion - but he could be a bully and she could be vulnerable. I wouldn't ditch her until I was confident that she's ok.

TheAnswerIsYes · 23/07/2015 17:40

You are upset that your DH has been dismissed but that not her fault. It doesn't sound like your DH was a good fit for the role if they got rid of him without notice. Most places don't get rid of someone without notice unless it really wasn't working out so it's no one's fault apart from your DH and he company.

jamtomorrow1 · 23/07/2015 17:49

scarlets is absolutely right; if her partner has sacked yours for no good reason and made bullying comments to him then there's every chance he's not exactly husband of the year material either. Maybe give your friend a chance; she might need you.

wafflyversatile · 23/07/2015 17:49

It might not be her fault but I'd still find it very hard to be around her just now.

Anyway, it's not like you have to shoot an email off to her tonight saying 'I'm not going to be your friend any longer'.

See how it goes.

bumbleymummy · 23/07/2015 18:36

Sorry, a bit off topic but I don't think you have to have been with a company for two years to go to a tribunal. Unless something has changed in the last few years? How long was he with them? Did he have a probation period or anything?

Aramynta · 23/07/2015 19:13

Tell your husband that he needs to challenge this. Regardless or not of your friendship, the way your DH was dismissed is appalling and probably illegal.

Get him to Citizens Advice and let the friendship run wherever its headed. I think your main concern should be your DH and his rights though.

Dynomite · 23/07/2015 19:17

I would finish the friendship, too. Sorry, but losing a job is a huge event in one's life. Even if she had nothing to do with it, it's just such a big deal, I wouldn't be able to get over it. And actually, I think that his behaviour reflects poorly on her too. Just because he's a twat doesn't mean she's being abused, if anything, I would suspect the two of them both have very little respect for your family. Most people would never dream of treating their spouses' friends like this.

Pastaeater · 23/07/2015 19:17

I don't think he has much chance of getting anywhere with this - I think your rights are v limited if you have been with a company for less than 2 yrs, unfortunately.

Dynomite · 23/07/2015 19:19

It doesn't mean you have to contact her and tell her you're finishing the friendship, just phase it out. Refuse any invitations to go out, don't return calls etc.

HoldYerWhist · 23/07/2015 19:20

I don't want anything to do with somebody who's married to somebody who treated my OH like that

I understand it would be difficult to continue with your friendship but that ^ is barmy!

Mintyy · 23/07/2015 19:30

"I don't want anything to do with somebody who's married to somebody who treated my OH like that.

If it had been the other way round I'd have been dropped like a stone."

Well you've answered your own question really. Is there a need for an aibu?

Original poster

BelindaBagwash · 23/07/2015 19:34

He had a 3 month trial period in the job and everything was fine. Nobody had given him any reason to believe there was a problem with his work. Tbh this came as a huge bolt from the blue. I can't help feeling that her DH had some other agenda and this provided him with a convenient excuse to get rid of OH.

Friend and husband have a very strange relationship imo. She never ceases to remind him that it is her house only, she has fallen out with his kids and they are not allowed to come to the house and they cook separate meals and do their own washing etc etc so really live separate lives under the same roof.

Her DH knew what a struggle it was for OH to find a job and after 2 not very nice jobs, he was delighted to get one that was suitable for him.

OP posts:

HoldYerWhist · 23/07/2015 19:38

If they lead totally separate lives then why would you end the friendship?

End it if you want. Nobody is never under any obligation to stay in a friendship with someone. But your reasoning seems a bit mad!

Original poster

BelindaBagwash · 23/07/2015 19:45

Sorry that you seem to think I am mad or barmy. I think our "friendship" has been waning over the years and maybe this is the end of it.

OP posts:

LazyLohan · 23/07/2015 20:46

Hmmm. I would tread quite carefully with this. You say that your OH has had two jobs he didn't like, a long period of unemployment then has been sacked from a third job after a very short period. I don't mean to be unpleasant, but that would be ringing big alarm bells for me about a partner. You also seem to be taking your partners side of the story as gospel. Given his employment history I would be wondering if I was getting the whole truth. It's possible if you spoke to your friend and had a bit more light shed on it you might be less sympathetic. For one thing I find it very odd that a friend who would be kind enough to take a chance on someone with a very patchy employment history who wasn't very employable, just because they were a mate would suddenly a few months later turn into a monster who was prepared to sack them for no reason. It just doesn't really ring true.

On the other hand, the other thing I can think of is going back over what you have discussed with your friend and seeing if you can recall repeating things to her that your OH told you about her DH at work? It sounds like they have a pretty unhappy marriage. He might have come to the conclusion that his wife is using your OH to spy on him at work, which if untrue, is a very unfair thing to sack him over.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 23/07/2015 20:47

It's not your friends fault but I couldn't stray friends with her I'm afraid

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