to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

Mehit good for you if you would rather the bullies feelings be more important than your child but most people would disagree. How ridiculous that you would expect someone who caused your child pain to share important days with them. And if a child gets along fine with every other single child, why should they cut down on numbers. Oh yes the bully's feelings are more important

Not if it means excluding just one child. That's a horrible thing to do.

They do not have everyone as equal friends so it is quite easy to pick proper friends. I have taught hundreds of children, over 40 years- they are never equally friendly with all. It would be very odd if they did when the only thing they have in common was that they were born between September of one year and August of the next. It is like someone saying to me- you are bound to be friends - you were born the same year!

There would be uproar if a parent went into school and complained that their child was being bullied and the Head said 'well they are a horrible child and they must take the consequences'!

Excluding one child is bullying. Full stop. You can't say it depends on the child- it is bullying if they are 'nice' but not bullying if 'nasty'.

Not when the solution is so simple- have a smaller party. By juniors, if you need a big party, you should be able to draft some in from elsewhere like Cubs, judo, football etc.

I have never done it either. I really wanted to sometimes. it was always whole class or just a select handful.

One boy who came to my DS's birthday party had his own birthday party a few weeks afterwards. All the boys were invited apart from my DS.

Thanks love. I'll remember that.

Add message | Report | Message poster Mehitabel6 Thu 23-Jul-15 19:14:31
Of course you don't Damson? Why on earth would you? confused But you don't have to have the whole class.

Why can't they invite the whole class apart from the child described by Damson? If that is what the child wants to do for its party then why the fuck can't they. The nasty bullying violent child that's hurt Damson's child can suck it up quite frankly and deserves fuck all.

I don't care one jot about excluding a child who has bullied and hurt my child relentlessly. They deserve everything they get. Yes, we have been there and the vile child is now a fucking waste of space 18 year old who is in and out of trouble.

I will shout it. I AM NOT EXPECTING YOU TO INVITE A
CHILD WHO HAS BULLIED YOUR CHILD , so will people would stop saying that I have! There is no need for you to turn bully - excluding one child is bullying however you like to dress it up. You simply have a smaller party with REAL friends. Or have a bigger party with a mix of friends - not all from school.

This was in reception Mehitabel. He was an unpleasant child then and still is now, over four years later. It was my son's first ever party, his first birthday at proper school and I wanted to give him a chance at establishing some friendship groups. He hasn't had a full class party since and won't again. But there was no way I was going to host a child who had physically hit mine on numerous occasions. No way.

My dc do not invite the whole class to their parties. I ask them to choose who they would like. They are not invited to every party and this is fine. I could not imagine hosting a party for 30 children not to mention friends and family members.

I would not want to exclude one or two out of a whole class but could not invite someone who bullied my child.

There were 24 kids in my child's class. One was a nasty bully from Reception up. if my child wanted all but the bully then that's what they got. Why should I ignore my child's wishes?

I will leave you to it - but I am thankful that my children are now kind, caring adults and I never gave them the message that bullying was justified.
Bullying is bullying - I can't justify that you can't bully nice children but it is perfectly acceptable to bully horrible children. I dare say the nice children might have turned out horrible had they had the background of some of the 'horrible' children.

My rule is 'you don't bully' - it isn't that you have carte blanche to bully those you feel deserve it. Not a world that I like.

It happened to my dd in y6. The girl gleefully told my DS that 'you're the only one not invited cos I don't like you'. Dd does have SEN but is generally a very sociable child and a tomboy.

It really hurt dd and she was very upset. To be honest I judged the parents more than the child as I would never condone this type of divisive behaviour

You are never going to establish friendships at a whole class party - much better to do it one to one with a child to tea or a small party.

I would judge the parents too Jacadaal which is why I am always appalled by the attitude in some of these party threads- and the way they justify it- almost gleefully getting their own back.

I was a violent child, a bully at 6 years old (later diagnosed with PDD-NOS at 16). I remember knocking on my friends door and going around helping her deliver her party invitiations and couldn't understand why I wasn't invited. It really upset me.

Not inviting someone to a social event is not bullying. Making it obvious that you are not inviting someone to a social event is. Holding a party/wedding/christening/housewarming/party etc and inviting the people you want to invite is what happens in life. Bullies are the ones who go up to others and say "I'm having a party and you're not invited" just to cause pain. I am not a bully because I didn't invite everyone I personally know to my wedding, my son is not a bully because he wanted to have a leaving party, to say goodbye and exchange emails/contact details with all his classmates. The boy he didn't want to exchange contact information with and who he was glad to see the back of was simply not invited, not bullied.

Mehetabel6

How about the child learning that actions have consequences?

From what I can see the thread has developed in to two threads,

One about bullying and one about SN

I'm a TA and chn regularly come in to class with a bunch of invitations to give out. I always stop them and ask if there is one for every child. If so, they can give them out, if not I tell them to give them out after school discreetly. Personally, I think it's either whole class or just a few(maybe up to half) Chn can be cruel and /or stupid but their parents should know better!

It's actually happened to me when I was 5 and its stayed with me since, I'm 24!

I got along really well with the girl who's party it was, we were good friends but for some reason her mum had an issue with my mum, my mom says it was because she didn't gossip at the school gates.

60 kids from both classes in the year got invites but I didnt, I watched kids in my estate walking past the house in party clothes to the soft play that was in an industrial estate behind our house, mom eventually got me to put on a party dress and took me to the party anyway, sans invite because she could see how upset I was, the girls mum shut the doors on the party room when they sang happy birthday and ate dinner, I played in the soft play on my own and could hear them all in there.

My mom shouldn't have taken me I guess but how could anyone do that to a child? I now have kids of my own and think what that girls mom did is really horrible.

How do you know in reception and the very early years a child is just being horrid? The child who was 'the naughty one' in dds class came to her reception birthday, along with the rest, despite the fact he'd hit her and most of them at some point. I'd have felt a right bitch when I much later found out about his sn if I'd left him out from the start based on his 'misbehaviour'

Whoa Damson! A reception aged child had some behaviour issues and you're calling that bullying? As has been pointed out ad infinitum there's very likely no way that any diagnosable behaviour problems would have been picked up by that point but you're willing to frame that behaviour as bullying? Shame on you. No one is saying that you should have to tolerate violence etc and school should deal with it but you're talking about a little tiny child! Catch on to yourself!

I wasn't expecting him to establish deep friendships at the party, don't be silly, but it was something to talk about afterwards, gave me a chance to speak to each of the mums, and was just something nice to do for him socially. I sometimes think we expect more from our children than we'd be prepared to accept for ourselves, and that is simply not fair. I've encouraged my child to work on a relationship with another tricky child who he is likely to be in a class with for another eight years, whom he really needs to find a way of getting on with. I have invited that child to every birthday party he's had bar one (where we only invited three). But that child has not physically lamped DS and laughed about it. I know we're not going to agree but there really are children out there who are nasty and who are encouraged to be nasty by their parents. They really do exist, and we were unlucky enough to encounter one early on. I don't see why those children should be rewarded and why my child should have to suffer their company at his own bloody party!

Cross posted same point Lurked! x

Actions shouldn' t have the consequence that you are bullied.

The consequence that you are not invited to the party is fine.
The consequence that you are deliberately excluded from a party that everyone else is going to is not fine.

Believe me they know if everyone is going to a party and they are not, tomato - however discrete you try to be. It is never a secret.