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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

806 replies

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 13:45

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

OP posts:
pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 20:30

I dont teach my kids to think only of themselves but i do teach them self worth and self respect and that it is okay to put yourself first in certain situations.

If you only invite 10 out of the whole class the and the sn child isnt invited they wont feel left out on purpose. Whole class parties are crazy imo but those who chose to do them should be able to put their childrens needs and wishes first without being judged or called a bad parent

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 26/07/2015 20:32

If all parents taught their children to be kind, not hit, etc then there would be no class bully. If schools took bullying seriously and dealt with it properly then kids wouldnt be excluded. I see no issue with parents voting with their feet.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/07/2015 20:32

I do agree, Itsmine - which is why we did invite the two often-excluded girls to the dses' parties, even though their behaviour was challenging.

Lurkedforever1 · 26/07/2015 20:42

ain't Grin

Itsmine · 26/07/2015 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FanOfHermione · 26/07/2015 20:52

This thread is weird.

I must then be the only parent of a child with SN NOT to expect my dc to be invited no matter what...
dc2 is 'quiet as mouse' at school and has big social difficulties. So yep he doesn't get invitted and when he does it's usually a mix of having invited the child for his b'day/a few whole class stuff (because he is quiet therefore hasn't been singled out as such). BUT he has never been invited because someone really wanted him there as a friend.

And how could he? he doesn't know who his friends are, doesn't know how to relate to them, doesn't know how to ask etc...
It's a real shame, it's heartbreaking but it would have never crossed my mind for things to be any different.

Just as it would never have crossed my mind to expect invitations if he has been as aggressive at school as he was at home.
I would never have wanted to impose on the b'day child and his/her parents a child who was aggressive or having a meltdowns etc...
(Note: for my child, having a meltdown = something is overwhelming therefore not the right environment for him to be in and not a pleasant experience for him anayway).

Daisygarden · 26/07/2015 20:59

Perspicacia you hit the nail on the head there.

The realisation of knowing your own mum (or dad) were inviting children you don't want to be there for good reason, would cause more problems in the long run than welcoming them would solve.

pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 20:59

Im with you fan i dont expect my ds to get invited to anything.

And as for quiet children getting overlooked whwt nonsense. I wa

pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 21:00

Posted too soon again sorry. I was the quiet shy child who couldnt speak to new people yet i had my own small group of friends. Just because your child doesnt invite thwm doeant mean they always get left out just that they have a different social group

HMSmostleaky · 26/07/2015 21:06

If there are 14 boys in the class and you invite 13 of them and not the bully it is mean. Yes you are protecting your child but you are doing the same thing if you invite 8 and invite five kids from cubs or football or some of the girls or just have a smaller party.

I'm not saying that you have to invite the bully. I'm not even saying that you have to invite the kid your kid doesn't get along with. I'm not even saying you have to invite my SN kid. I'm saying don't that kid be the only one left out. Figure out a way that your kid can have the party they want without being mean. Regardless of how that child has behaved you don't need to behave poorly too.

pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 21:10

What if your child wants everone else in the class except the bully would you say to your child " im sorry i know he bullies you and upsets you but we mustn't hurt his feelings. You cant have what you want because your bully might be sad sorry but your wants and feelings come second"

I certainly wont be saying that to my child the bully can be left out

HMSmostleaky · 26/07/2015 21:13

..and why are we focusing solely on not inviting bullies. Often it is not inviting the weird kid or the kid whose mum isn't well liked or the kid that is being bullied who are not invited.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/07/2015 21:15

Neither would I, pineapple.

I do wonder whether the bully would expect to go, or want to go. Would they be surprised at not being invited to their victim's party?

EvilTwins · 26/07/2015 21:18

The more I read in this thread, the more I'm astounded at the in-depth knowledge people seem claim to have of their DC's classmates. Not just knowledge of each individual's SN, but knowledge of who the quiet kids are, who the "weird" Hmm kids are and who has a mum no one likes.

What I know about my DC's classmates comes down to:
Do I know their parents?
Do my kids actively socialise with/play with them?

Party invitations tend to depend entirely on that second point.

Lurkedforever1 · 26/07/2015 21:19

When dd wanted all the girls except spiteful girl, we talked again about how spiteful girl was spiteful, and no she shouldn't be at your party because she'd spoil it for you and others. But we also talked about how dd or her friends would also be like spiteful girl with her parents, so we should pity her, not try and be spiteful back because we have no reason to be spiteful. So dd dropped 4 other girls she wasn't close to and replaced them with kids she was from brownies.

EvilTwins · 26/07/2015 21:23

So four girls missed out because of one nasty child? And you don't see that as wrong? Shock Shock

Lurkedforever1 · 26/07/2015 21:24

Actual severe bullies being left out I can sympathise with, even if I'd probably mix it up so the bully isn't the only one. The problem is that a lot of supposed bullies aren't actually bullies at all.

pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 21:26

Even if they arent actually bullies your child my still really not like them and be upset by them so i still wouldnt invite them. I agree with evil

Lurkedforever1 · 26/07/2015 21:30

Not at all evil. 4 kids came from brownies who'd otherwise have 'missed out'. Spiteful girl is going to get twatted and insulted and isolated at the secondary she's going to and learn a lot of tough lessons before she realises mummy and daddy might not have always got things right. Only crime she's guilty of is being born to a pair of morons. Why make it harder at primary age too when there's an equally good alternative?

pineappleshortbread · 26/07/2015 21:31

She is responsible for her actions though lurked. Her parents might be morons and twats but it doesnt excuse her behaviour it only explains it. We dont make those excuses for grown ups

EvilTwins · 26/07/2015 21:32

Sorry, Lurked, I find your approach bizarre. It's like you're so desperate to be PC you're missing the point - that it's your own child's party, and she ought to be able to have a say.

What would you do if (as they sometimes do) your DD let it slip to one of the girls who as removed from the list at the expense of the "spiteful" child?

It all sounds odd to me.

lucylooloo · 26/07/2015 21:34

HMS you SN kid would be invited to my kids parties. Unless of course he was the kid who had been physically abusing my kid for a prolonged period of time. In which case he wouldn't be invited.

EvilTwins · 26/07/2015 21:35

Not at all evil. 4 kids came from brownies who'd otherwise have 'missed out'. Spiteful girl is going to get twatted and insulted and isolated at the secondary she's going to and learn a lot of tough lessons before she realises mummy and daddy might not have always got things right. Only crime she's guilty of is being born to a pair of morons. Why make it harder at primary age too when there's an equally good alternative?

This makes no sense. She's behaved badly, you blame her parents, but your response to the situation was to leave out four others your DD originally wanted at the party so as not to draw attention to it?

lucylooloo · 26/07/2015 21:38

Maybe also Lurked it might be better for her to learn that lesson at primary where kids are more accepting and forgiving than at secondary when life gets a hell of a lot tougher.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 26/07/2015 21:39

Lurked .. I agree that spitefull girl will girt her comeuppance at senior school, as did DD bully. New friends at school are less accomodating of bad behaviour and all the party invites arent going to change that. Invite the bully/dont invite the bully. It really makes no difference to a selfish child who has no reguard to others.