to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

No worries

So Mehitabel6 Fri 24-Jul-15 06:49:20

Excellent post

Thank you.

Who has the finances for a party of 30 kids????!

Who has the venue for a party of 30 kids???!

If you have 2+ children, that's a lot of money!

None of the children in my children's class have ever had a full house of kids invited. There's been plenty that my DS has been invited to and plenty that he hasn't. It has never negatively affected him!

I continually explain that not everyone can be invited to parties because not everyone can afford it and most places have a limit on the number of children etc. He totally understands that.

For the record, there is No. Way. On. Earth I would ever invite a child to my DC's party who had bullied him or who he actively didn't like for a very good reason. I honestly think common sense has gone mad here that anyone would consider that.

Ah, OK re not singling just one out.

Re the bullying. I still don't think it's fair to your own child, to invite a child who has bullied them, on the basis that they may have undiagnosed SN. Also I'm no expert but it would seem to be very rare SN that manifests itself only in the form of bullying your child (all other things seemingly fine and dandy).

I have read this thread and my god its long

I have no intention of having a whole class party too expensive and pointless. However i would allow my child to invite who ever they like regardless as they will have to live with the social consequences and need to learn. Plus i would want my kids to have who they want at their party.

I do tho with my eldest need to ask who he pkays with as he has speech delay so cant tell me properly but i certainly wouldbt invite a bully or even a kid who had been consistently nasty.

I dont carebfor other childrens feelings when it comes to parties they need to learn you cant go to everything and you cant be friends with everyone and it doesnt matter if your not. I will not be micromanaging my childrens social lives

Gosh this is a very frustrating thread. I am not going to invite someone who has bullied my child on the basis that they may have undiagnosed SN. I actually don't care, the kid that continually hit, kicked and punched my child is not coming to his party SN or no. Sorry but the physically abused Son card trumps the might have SN one. Hopefully though Itsmine there is someone in the class who is as caring as you, and can ignore their own child crying every night, losing all his confidence and not wanting to go to school the next day, and will invite the bully anyway. Or alternatively they can say, no darling, you can't have a whole class party like you and your siblings have had every year, because it might upset that child who continually punched you in the face and in the nuts and might, very possibly, have an undiagnosed SN.

I have done big parties, but not whole class ones - two of the dses have birthdays close to eachother, and the friendship groups of all three seemed to correlate a lot - ie. ds1's friends had younger siblings who ds2 or ds3 were friends with - so a couple of times I did one big party for all three birthdays. We invited whole families who were all friends of one or other of the dses, plus some individual friends for each of them - and a couple of girls who weren't often invited to parties, but who played with my dses a lot (their mum was my friend).

Doing one big party rather than three meant it was affordable - we did a soft play party once, and the other time we hired a church hall, and a bouncy castle, and I did the catering, which made things cheaper.

Big parties don't have to cost a small fortune, but if you do one, you will probably have to do more work yourself.

pineapple you sound lovely.
I take it if another child, or even a few, in your ds class invited everyone but your son, based on the fact 'not him mummy I don't like how he talks to me', because that's how some children may describe his speech delay, and your ds knew he was deliberately left out and was really upset, as often happens with various sn etc you'd be ok with the mother saying 'yes well I don't care for other childrens feelings they need to learn'

Obviously not Lurked because he is a ' nice' child and you only target 'horrible' children.
( nice and horrible are relative to who is deciding')

Gosh Lurked do you really believe that anyone would invite a whole class except for someone who talked unusually. Seriously?? Of course they wouldn't , but if there was a kid who bullied them, thats a different matter. I really think you lot are missing the point. I had 3 kids with SN at the last party from the class. 2 with Autism, one mild one severe (both mothers stayed although I didn't ask them to) and one with a physical disability. I have invited every child in the class for the last 8 years during my 3 kids primary years. However, on one occassion I chose not to invite a kid who had continually physically abused my child, which had been witnessed by teachers and other children. Whose parents were called in and aware, but never approached me to apologise or explain his behaviour. Lurked/Itsmine honestly you would have invited him or changed your plans ? I find that astounding

It happens and it is the childs birthday not the grown ups. He has already been left out of parties and playdates at nursery and he deals fine.

I wont invite a nasty kid and if i say pick 10 friends ill take the first 10 my kids say regardless and then stick to that decision. I dont have time to go through a class list and assess every child for possible sn just to invite them and if my child really didnt want them there and were adamant i may be disappointed but i wouldnt force them.

At the end of the day children need to learn to make friends and grow socially in their world and they cant learn it without making mistakes and they can only learn by themselves. No matter how often you invite those they dont play with it wont make them be friends. Learning to be friends with others and how to properly deal with those you are not friends with is important

It really doesn't matter who you leave out if half to two thirds are left out.
It matters when one or two are deliberately left out.

Itsmine. sorry x post I have read your response and I appreciate your honesty. Thanks

I don't know why you get that idea lucy - I think it entirely likely after reading this thread.

I think a lot of you underestimate children. I thought when dc1 went nursery he would be an outsider and have no friends due to speech but not a single children has ever batted an eyelid. He made loads of friends and they dont care that hes different. Children dont care unless the other children is disruptive or nasty until they are older middle school age.

In lucylooloo's specific circumstances, what would,you do, mehitabel?

Those circumstances being:

• her children always have whole class parties.

• her child being really badly bullied - to tears, illness, not wanting to go to school - by one child.

Would you:

• make them invite the bully.

• make them have a smaller party (ie. punish them for being bullied by making them have a smaller party than their siblings).

• make them and their siblings have smaller parties - basically punish all her children because one of them is the victim of a bully.

• let them invite the whole class minus the bully.

I don't think the first three options are fair. I think a child whose life is being made a misery by a bully does NOT need their parents making an occasion that should be happy and special for them into one that is unhappy and less special - for the sake of the child who is making them so unhappy.

On the contrary, I think when a child is being made so unhappy, they need their parents to be 100% on their side.

I'm a Year 3 teacher...it always breaks my heart when I see a child come in with party invitations for the whole class but they ALWAYS leave out the three Traveller kids :(

I dont believe in a fair share of parties you go to what your invited to and i teach my kids not to get disappointed if its not a lot or any at all.

I dont feel the need to encourage my children to be friends with those they dont talk to or dont want to. Im not particularly fussed about who my kids leave out as im not doing whole class parties anyways so couldn't care less if they invite the same 10 as everyone else that happens

Yes Mehitabel I would love to know what you would do in my situation

Loolah - we have traveller kids at the school, we live near a site, and they always get invited.

Easy- make them all have smaller parties - hardly a punishment as nicer all round- not to mention cheaper! Problem solved.
I have never known children with speech defects be outsiders. Other children quickly know what they are saying and translate to adults. They don't have a problem with it. ( at least all the ones in my experience- that also included selective mutes)

I have already replied lucy.