to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

Of it might just be that those other kids aren't into Harry Potter/unicorns/ballet/One Direction.

And also what PrincessPink said.

So I'm confused then, Eviltwins and Princess. Do you consider the extra needs of kids with SEN or not?

Exactly what itsmine said.

I don't know which of their class mates have SN. How would I? School don't release that sort of info to parents

Schools where teachers allow children to get on with things by themselves and don't intervene, guide and teach when children behave immaturely or unkindly are exactly the schools where bullying flourish.

Children need help to learn how to be kind and inclusive.

Eviltwin no of course they don't release info like that! So what a considerate parent might do is if they hear/see behaviour like that, might try to include them or take into account that there may well be other issues at hand.

What I've gathered from this thread itsmine is that you don't think your DC are capable of making choices about their friends and will definitely exclude any child considered "different" unless you encourage them to be "inclusive"

Whereas I have never considered that my DC would exclude anyone for being "different", and have never had any reason to believe that they have done so.

Having never been in that SN classmatesituation I can't really comment.

However if my DD invited a SN child to her party, I would do my utmost to ensure said SN would be provided for depending on what their SN was (ie would I need to adminster any medication, would the parent like to stay for reassurance, anything like that). I would not have a problem with it at all - why would I??? Common courtesy is it not?

Again having not had experience of this, I can only say what I think I would do. If DD did not invite a SN child, I don't know if I would question it, as I would just assume she had no interaction with the child. I don't know why I would question it? But on other hand, I may ask just in case and if she specifically told me she did not invite SN because they were weird or odd, violent or whatever, I would of course sit her down and explain things to her, and make her more aware and understanding of SN classmate. It maybe she might just not understand.

I would not force my DD to invite the SN but admittedly yes I would be disappointed if her reasons were purely because she thought them odd and of course I would perhaps encourage her to invite them. If she was still dead against, then be it wrong or right, I would go with my DD feelings first and foremost. But I would definitely let her know I still wasn't happy and it would be something to discuss at a later date.

The bully to me is a completely different matter.

other than playground gossip, how do you actually know about the makeup of your DC's class?

Personally, I know all the other children in my childrens' class because I see them most days at drop off and pick up, and I see them at school events and parties and chat to their parents.

Have not read all of the thread because it is lonnnnggg.

But wanted to comment on this post by OP

Damson and abuone else easing this, most SN children aren't diagnosed for years and THAT is why Young children who's behaviour is unsavoury should always be given the benefit of the doubt.

This was my kid. He did get some sn accommodation in primary but wasn't fully diagnosed with all the various things until his teens. Even now I doubt even some of his best friends and their parents don't know he has SN or if they do what kind he has. He was lucky to get one party invite a year in primary and it usually was someone who invited the whole class which I was very grateful for. One year (I think he was 9 or 10) all but him and one other boy who I'm guessing has similar issues were invited to a fancy party that all the boys talked about a lot. I know it upset my son a great deal in primary school whenever this happened. It even happened several times with his best friend in primary because that boy had many of the same issues and I suspect the parents were willing to deal with it with their son and not with mine.

He is poor at understanding social cues and body language and was rambunctious and socially immature because of his problems. I know he could be hard work and when he was invited I would always ask the mother if she wanted me to stay. One mother of one of the boys asked him whenever her son had a party (not every year) and I was so so grateful they included him.

Now he is a teen and has gone from the kid who almost never got asked over for tea to the teen whose friend's parents say that they love having him over, that their kid is way less work when he is there and they think he is wonderful and kind. I'm so glad that we have found lovely people that are willing to look past his issues and see the boy beyond.

Sounds good to me, Prinesspink!

merry, I'm talking about parents, not teachers.

chipped - i'm clearly not a "considerate" parent then. My children might not agree of course.

itsme yes i have actually because you don't seem to want to accept other people have different views to your own, and when they do you shoot the them down! Well just me and EvilTwins.

Yes I am judging now - but it is written on these threads so it can be read so does that count as me judging?

I have not once said anything against your views nor have I made (until last couple of posts) any comments to you. I have merely stated my own views and what I would do. Your have your view and that is fine. I don't have to agree with it, neither do I have to shoot you down for them, which you see fit to do to me x

Thank you chippedrippedandstinking x

Nobody has even mentioned giving a toss about upsetting the mum.
The point is that you don't, as an adult, leave out a couple deliberately from the class based on the biased and uninformed opinion of a young child that they don't want them there for some childish or petty reason, regardless of what inflated opinion you have of your childs judgement.
Young children aren't that bothered about not going to some parties, hence why it's never an issue when someone invites only half the class, or a handful. But what they do very much care about is deliberately being left out on purpose, which at 4 even would be clearly picked up on by them.

merry You can diagnose SN by looking?? Impressive.

I don't hang out in the playground. My kids go to breakfast club and I go to work.

Lurked - I think my DC's view is far more informed than mine. I have never met some of the DC in their class. Why would I know more about them that my children do?

HMSmostleaky that's very heartening that your boy is turning out so well. My little boy is 6, and despite my pushing, we are only now approaching a diagnosis. He also doesn't get social cues unless it's absolutely spelt out, gets overwhelmed and nervous and can be a PITA, and I say that as his adoring mother who would kill for him without breaking sweat.

He can be oddly sensitive but doesn't always display it at the time, and would be very hurt to be left out.

We all want our children's lives to be charmed and easy, and a bit of me dies when I see him irritating the other kids or missing what he could do to be more popular. But to me, he's perfect.

itsmine - yes I let them decide, but I have been at these parties and therefore can quite confidently say that my children do not choose to exclude children because they are "different". Several years of parties and play dates have made that very clear.

lurkedforever1

thank you for another dig ... an inflated opinion of my own child's judgement? LMFAO you do make me laugh, resorting to being rude now.

I AM ALLOWED MY VIEW, it is neither right nor wrong - you don't have to agree with it, that is your choice. But neither do you have the right to be so damn rude and try to run me down on mine.

I don't agree with your views on this but I'm not going to attack you over them because they are your views. What would I have to gain by challenging you?

Please try to realise that everybody is different with different views, and be more accepting of others, even if you don't agree.

No, I can't diagnose sn by looking, but that isn't relevant. What I can see is the dynamics of who plays with who, that some of them need more help than others and that as little children none of them are 'bullies'.

I certainly wouldn't assume a child I had never met was a bully.