to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

I can imagine you were fan. I remember the brief fear when I had an asthmatic child dropped off for a sleepover with a mix up over her stuff, meaning I thought I had no inhaler, and shitting myself for the 20mins or so it took for the mum to get round with one.

Fair enough twins. For some reason with you posting on a thread about excluding a couple of children from a class party, with your reasons for excluding a couple, I made the strange assumption you were referring to a class party. How strange of me.

We are still talking about whole class parties aren't we? Of course no one expects their child to be invited to every small party. But if a party is specifically for the entire class, or for all the boys (or girls) in the class, then I would include everyone in that group. No question about it.

If there were serious issues of aggression with a particular child, I would rethink the party plans and choose a small group. But having seen how devastating constant exclusion can be, I couldn't invite everyone and leave out just one child.

I think you're on the wrong thread EvilTwins.

I think it's gone well beyond that.

Of course, by asking my kids to give me a list of their friends, it's possible that they did give me names of nearly all their classmates.

We had about 20-25 at parties when they were in KS1.

Elktheory With regards to the whole class party, yes I agree, it would be unfair to exclude just 1 or 2 BUT to me still it depends on reasons why.

Have never been in this situation as (like EvilTwins) our parties have always been a mixture of school and outside friends so split numbers - we could never afford whole class parties as my DD used to go to a huge school and there was 100 over 3 classes in a year group!

I must admit though I think I would struggle if say my child was being bullied by 1 classmate (and I mean badly, not just a little and it had been going on for a while) to want to include the little bugger in the party invites, especially if I saw it would upset my child. Perhaps of course if it was my child who was the antagoniser that lead to the bullying perhaps I would think differently? Or I would not invite said child in case my child was horrid? Gosh the more I think about it, the more complex it seems!

I don't like being told what to do by other parents or bowing down to pressures of the "you must do this brigade, we are right you are wrong" because it is nobody's business what choices we make. If they don't agree, that is their prerogative. I might not agree with some of their choices but I don't make a song and dance about it. To me, it is about keeping your child happy at their own party - I don't think that makes me a bad mum or person? I don't agree with a lot of what is being said on here but that doesn't mean I am going to have a go at someone or be rude. I do try my best to see all sides and if I disagree, I try to be tactful (I am aware sometimes I might not be).

Coming on these boards makes me realise just how many judgemental people are and many who refuse to see any side but their own. We ARE all different, we ALL parent differently. It doesn't make any of us any worse a parent than the poster above or below us. I just wish everybody was allowed their opinion without being shot down. I just post my view, which is neither right nor wrong. x

itsme - I am perfectly happy to allow my children to make choices about things which matter more to them than to anyone else. You come across as a massive control freak.

Not sure why you care so much that I have a different system to you. Oh, and I'll be sure to contact their school and ask for a full breakdown of kids in their class with SN. Whilst I'm about it, I'll ask for a list of G&T kids, those in receipt of PP, those who qualify for free school meals, EAL kids, an ethnic breakdown and their reading ages shall I? Best to be informed. Then I can ensure that further parties have representatives of all relevant groups.

Alternatively, I can continue to trust that my kids would like their friends at their parties, in the same way that adults do.

At the risk of getting a pasting, I always asked my DD when she was younger and had parties, why she had chosen specific people and not others. Most of the time she did not play with them or even talk to them, or have any interaction - which in the big school she was in, was not impossible. Some of her friends at this school went through to Yr6 without ever interacting with certain children, for no reason other than it was just a big school. Nothing to do with arguments or bad feeling etc.

I never questioned it. I don't think it makes me a bad parent because I haven't stopped to worry about whether somebody was offended? If we spent all our days worrying about who we have offended, good god we'd all be nervous wrecks!

itsmine does not come across as a massive control freak, nor indeed as the kind of parent I take pains to avoid.

itsmine - how else do you envisage I find out which of my kids' classmates has SN? According to you, I (or they - you're unclear) are inconsiderate for not knowing.

I am in agreeance with princesspink - why on earth would children not be allowed a say?

Kids need to learn about making decisions at some point. What's wrong with letting children take control of certain areas of their lives? I firmly believe that parents often cause more harm than good when they interfere in their children's' social lives and kids are left incapable of making choices when they're older. I see it every day (in term time) Let them tackle the maze that is social interactions at an early age and allow them to make choices and mistakes.

I doubt my kids know or care about G&T/PP/FSM/SEN. They see friends as friends.

You come across as a massive control freak
Who does?

to be fair lurked you are just as much a mad jack russell back at eviltwins on this thread lol

You have your view, EvilTwins had hers, I have mine - why do you seem to insist on attacking those that don't share yours? I am all about discussion but I fear you are trying to make out your view is right whilst everyone else is wrong?

"I doubt my kids know or care about G&T/PP/FSM/SEN. They see friends as friends."

That's kind of the point - your kids won't kniw and the behaviour that they may see as unsavoury may well actually be some other difficulty, and the younger they are, the more likely that is.

My kids invite people to parties who they play with. This is, IMO, normal.

I'm interested, itsmine - other than playground gossip, how do you actually know about the makeup of your DC's class? The sort of information you seem to need to make "considerate" decisions is not widely available.

I'm not so arrogant to as to assume that an invitation to the MiniTwins' party is going to be such a life enhancing experience that everyone wants in.

whoops sorry lurked that will teach me to be on 3 threads at once as I just made a mistake on another board !

Apologies itsme - i meant you are jack russell right back at EvilTwins.

Like I said, we should all be allowed our own views without somebody attacking us or telling us we are wrong. It's a free country, we all have an opinion and we don't all have to agree x

Eviltwins yes it's normal. Of course it is. And the reasons that they DON'T play with some kids may well be because the other kids aren't mean or nasty or bullies, but are socially immature, don't get turn-taking or personal space or social cues, and then get left out. And many of us are asking that their feelings are considered too. That's all.

Just to sum it up then ...

Me and EvilTwins are just a pair of inconsiderate mothers who don't give a toss about our DC classmates, their feelings or their parents feelings, is that what you are saying in your dig???

Sorry for caring more about what our OWN children want. Shock horror, mother cares about own child's feeling - quick we must scrap that and not offend any of the mothers of the other children !!!!

Jesus H Christ whatever next. Must be quite hard work being so judgemental itsme and only seeing your own point of view.