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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

806 replies

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 13:45

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 21:54

f you are happy to leave the child with SN out when you know what it's like that's between you and your conscience isn't it

And there you go putting the guilt trip on and making out that people are being bad for not automatically inviting a child with SN.

You know more than anyone that a child is more than their SN, so why, if the the child who's party it is doesn't feel safe around the child with SN, should the child with SN automatically be invited because of their special needs, to the detriment of the person who's party it is? (sorry I realise how clumsy this sentence sounds)

If the birthday child already has issues and feels they're being bullied at school, why on earth should they be put in that position outside of school, and on their birthday?

As adults we avoid people who hurt us. We wouldn't invite someone who's beating us or calling us names. But we expect children to do it as some sort of life lesson?

The boy with ADHD who used to bully me. I once saw him in the street and I was shaking because I was that scared. But I would have had to invite him to a party? I would have felt sick, looking over my shoulder and just waiting for something to happen.

But it's okay because obviously a victims feelings don't matter Hmm they should be forced to associate with the person causing them harm because otherwise they'll be judge as lacking in conscience.

pinksquash13 · 23/07/2015 22:02

I don't have children but teach primary. I agree it would be hard to invite a child who
Had been horrible to my child but sometimes my heart bleeds for the 'bullies'
Some kids have such difficult home lives and won't experience a lovely birthday like you're giving your child. They often have a soft vulnerable side and show regret about
Their behaviour. By yr6 all the parents hate them and some times I wish someone would have some understanding

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:07

I have shouted it once , so I am not going to shout it again BUT I have not said that the bully should be 'rewarded' by going to the party. Of course he shouldn't be invited- that is the natural consequence of his behaviour - if you are horrible to someone they are not going to be your friend and invite you to their home!
I don't think that it is extreme to say that 2 wrongs don't make a right and it is quite simply bullying to deliberately exclude when everyone else is going. Even if you try to hide this they always know.

I really can't see the issue, you just have a smaller party. You wonder who the whole class party is for- they are much nicer if more personal with real friends.

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:10

Exactly pinksquash . I think many people's ' nice' children would be very different if they had the background of some of these 'horrible' children.

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:11

It wasn't an issue when mine were young because no one had whole class parties.

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:12

I personally think full class parties are too much, but I don't see why if someone's going to have one they should exclude other people they want there just so the bully feels okay about it.

And I don't think not wanting to associate with someone who hurts you, is bullying.

FanOfHermione · 23/07/2015 22:18

Gray I agree it's laying down the guilt whilst not answering a very simple question that has nothing to do with taking the decision of inviting or not a child who is agressive/bully/whatever.

I can only suppose that Fanjo doesn't want to answer the question because it's too unsettling and/or opening a can of worms for her.

Samcro · 23/07/2015 22:27

love the way this has turned into a sn kids are bullies thread, so much for inclusion and the TIMC campaign on mn.
no one should have to invite a bully anywhere, but bully does not = Sn
kids with sn are just like nt kids all different.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 23/07/2015 22:29

My son was once excluded from a party and the party was held at a house directly opposite our house ShockShock DS could see all the kids going in and kept asking if he could go but I had to say no and I ended up taking him out in the end. I never forgave that woman bitch for doing that. She had invited pretty much every other kid from the class world apart from my son and my some considered her son's (twins) to be his friends. Some people are very weird and cruel.

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:30

So just to summarise:

The majority view is that

You would never deliberately exclude a 'nice' child from a whole class event because it is a horrible thing to do and cruel.
However you can deliberately exclude a 'nasty' child from a whole class event because although it is horrible and cruel, so are they- and you do it to show them they are 'nasty' .
And some of theses children are only 4 yrs old!

It isn't the way that I would bring up my child.
It opens a can of worms when they discuss bullying at school and when this well known tactic comes up they say 'but my mummy says it is OK to do it to a horrible child'.

I would encourage mine to think of the obvious solution of a smaller party.
(If I was mad enough to have a whole class party in the first place- not that I could fit them in my house)

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:31

No it hasn't. People are talking about situations in which a child feels bullied by another child with SN. It has not turned into a 'sn children are bullies' thread.

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:33

because although it is horrible and cruel, so are they- and you do it to show them they are 'nasty

No, that's what you're getting from it but that's not what people are talking about at all.

They would be excluded so the birthday child can actually enjoy their day without having to have someone who scares them there.

Nothing to do with showing anyone that they're 'nasty'.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 22:36

I would never do a whole class party, too much stress and money.

Original poster
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 22:36

Let's hope then, that the little sausage NT birthday child isn't scared by anything out of the control of the child with the disability (because that's what SN is.) and doesn't get upset by wheelchairs and ng tubes. Angry

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 23/07/2015 22:38

"It opens a can of worms when they discuss bullying at school and when this well known tactic comes up they say 'but my mummy says it is OK to do it to a horrible child'."

Maybe the child will say "My mummy says that I have a right to feel safe and protected and that I do not have to be friends with those that do not treat me with respect"

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:39

Wow, how ridiculous. I'm talking about being scared because of being hurt and bullied. Nothing to do with 'wheelchairs and ng tubes' Hmm But you can keep trying to make this even more emotive if you wish, coming up with shite like that to try and make the NT kid's emotions and needs worthless.

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:41

I think that any child could then take in the following discussion- that of course you have the right to feel safe so how can you do it without being bullying back?

I think that children have a natural tendency to be fair - especially when there is such an easy solution to invite less people.

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:42

And chipped you have repeatedly made it quite clear that the metaphorical birthday child's feelings are meaningless to you. You've made it clear you actually don't give a toss about a victim of bullying, someone who's being hurt physically and emotionally. You think a victim should have to keep facing the person causing their pain, otherwise they're ableist.

GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:43

and this isn't even just about children with SN either.

People are mentioning children who have bad home lives, shitty parents or whatever.

Knowing those things are going on doesn't make it any easier for a child being bullied I'm afraid.

Mehitabel6 · 23/07/2015 22:44

I'm off to bed- but nothing has changed my mind- I am very glad to have brought my children up with '2 wrongs don't make a right' and to find a workable solution.
I thought the thread was quite uplifting at the start- but very depressing now.

Original poster
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 22:44

No, Greysanalogy, I've said absolutely nothing of the sort. As well you know.

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 23/07/2015 22:45

Actually chipped your comments on here have made it completely obvious.

Original poster
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 22:45

Mehitabel6 sleep well, you sound lovely. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 22:46

No, that's your attempting to redressing what I've said.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 23/07/2015 22:55

Mehitabel6

Why should anyone have to put up with the bad behaviour of others?

Whether you are 5, 15 or 50 you have a right to your personal space and to feel safe.

There are many examples on MN where it is perfectly acceptable to exclude others for poor behaviour.

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