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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is no point to relationships/marriage

84 replies

FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 13:23

because most men leave, cheat or are abusive? I don't know anyone in a happy relationship/marriage. All marriages, especially first marriages seem to end in divorce. I just think, what's the point?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2015 13:26

I think it's about a third overall end in divorce and slightly less for first marriages - I think second marriages end more

So that's 2/3rds that do well/struggle through/go the distance.

I think it's remarkable that humans and other animals manage to live so successfully in pairs given how individual we are.

EatShitDerek · 23/07/2015 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Welshmaenad · 23/07/2015 13:26

I'm married, and my husband isn't a cheat or abusive, quite the opposite in fact.

That's not to say it's been smooth sailing but we've worked in things and come out the other side stronger (and frankly the bumps in the road were due to my behaviour, not his!)

TokenGinger · 23/07/2015 13:27

YABU.

Most men don't. Maybe most men you have met do. But I think it's tO say that don't stand for a large percentage of the earth's 7 billion population, so it's a bit of an over exaggeration to believe you can use such a small data set to assume all are the same.

JohnCusacksWife · 23/07/2015 13:27

All marriages end in divorce. Yeah, right.... [hmm}

TokenGinger · 23/07/2015 13:28

Bad typo there. But I think it's fair to say that they don't stand for a large percentage*

JohnCusacksWife · 23/07/2015 13:28

Aargh...formatting fail!

RayofFuckingSunshine · 23/07/2015 13:28

YABU.

Some relationships are crap, some men (and women) are abusive, or leave. But not all, not even most, are like that.

FadedRed · 23/07/2015 13:30

Soon to be arranging our ruby wedding anniversary party, Ndn's same last year, friend DPs just celebrated Golden wedding, so not all (first) marriages end up failing.
It takes hard work, tolerance, love and selflessness, but it can work OP, so don't give up.

gabsdot45 · 23/07/2015 13:31

It's sad that all your examples of marriage have been so poor. There are plenty of happy marriages/relationships out there. I know of many, including my own.
IMO a good marriage/ relationship brings enormous joy to life.
I'm sorry that you haven't had that experience.

ghostyslovesheep · 23/07/2015 13:32

YABU lots of marriages work

TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/07/2015 13:37

All my friends are in long term marriages/relationships, I'm talking 20 years plus. All of us have had relationships of 2, 3 or 4 years in our early/mid twenties that ended though.

I think people jump into marriage and kids too quickly. You have more chance of success if you wait a couple of years.

DadfromUncle · 23/07/2015 13:37

OP I have some sympathy cos I'm having some trouble finding a lasting relationship. My marriage ended in part due to infidelity on both our parts - ex beat me to it (!) not that it really matters but I didn't know until I confessed my affair.

I have been serially monogamous since, but I am not optimistic at the chances of me managing a Long Term relationship ever again.

Both my neighbours are in very long marriages but the way they verbally abuse each other as a matter of routine is one of the reasons I'm dubious.

DadfromUncle · 23/07/2015 13:38

Maybe some of us just aren't cut out for marriage and relationships.

FenellaFellorick · 23/07/2015 13:41

the 'point' of marriage/relationships is probably simply that most people don't like to be lonely and actually want to have someone to share their life with.

Yes, there are shits out there, but there are also a lot of people who are very happy, who love and are loved.

I think what would be good would be if people would stop doing 'a relationship at any cost' and be only with someone who deserved them. And stop accepting shitty treatment because they're afraid of being alone. I think if we all were willing or able to say you know what, this isn't working for me - then people wouldn't get away with being shits and still keep their relationship.

penguinsaresmall · 23/07/2015 13:42

I have been happily married 15+ years and most of my friends and family are in happy marriages. I only know a couple of people who have divorced.

So yes, YABU. But nobody's forcing you to get married

Sallystyle · 23/07/2015 13:43

My first marriage ended.

My second marriage is excellent. We are very happy, even though we have a stressful life (who doesn't??).

If we go by the stats my marriage is doomed... 2nd marriage, lots of children, some from previous marriage, mental illness and grief. We should be divorced He hasn't cheated on me, I haven't cheated on him and neither of us are abusive.

I don't think my mum is cut out for relationships. She finds them too hard work and never meets suitable partners. She keeps trying but I think she would be much happier on her own in the long run.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 23/07/2015 13:43

I honestly don't know what I would do without my husband. He has been an absolute rock for me throughout the last 15 years, and especially this year. He has held our family together through a year of absolute hell. He is not abusive, never cheated and won't leave me as he says he doesn't want to face life without me. I know not all men are great (my father included the nasty piece of work!) but I know a lot of good blokes, and I was lucky to marry one.

Battleshiphips · 23/07/2015 13:51

Not every man is like that. I've been with my DH for 12 yrs, married for 10. He's kind, a great dad and my best friend. I know lots of other marriages the same too. To be fair though I changed the kind of man I was looking for as I realised the ones I was attracted to were not looking for lasting relationships. My DH was the complete opposite to previous BFs. Now I couldn't imagine life without him.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/07/2015 14:08

YABU. Some relationships can be awful but plenty aren't. It sounds like the sample you've seen is pretty skewed

crazykat · 23/07/2015 14:09

Yabu, maybe most men you know are cheats/leave/abusive bit that isn't representative of all men. You sound like a friend of mine who is always ranting about how men are all worthless liars, based on how she's been treated by ex partners, what she refuses to see is that 90% of her friends are in good relationships.

Some people cheat/leave/are abusive. My dad divorced his first wife because she didn't see why she shouldn't sleep around just because she was married. My parents were married 24 years when my mam died.

My marriage is strong and dh, while not perfect, certainly doesn't cheat and isn't abusive. My aunts and uncles have all been married decades and my paternal grandparents were married 60 years and died within weeks of each other.

I've also got friends and relatives that have been divorced and are re-married or happy single.

You can't say based on your experience that all men are cheats/abusive/leave. That's representative of your choice in men/male friends/company than the roughly 3.5 billion men on the planet.

ollieplimsoles · 23/07/2015 14:10

I know not all men (or women for that matter) are any good, but some really are. When I really think about it, marriage does take work- compromise, faithfulness, patience and selflessness.

My husband is my best friend, he has been wonderful while I set up my business, and he has been amazing through my pregnancy. We were best friends before we started dating each other, I always say it really works if you are friends with them first.

nikki1978 · 23/07/2015 14:13

Most of the men I know don't cheat, leave or abuse their wives. I have a few divorced friends but to be honest of those that have ended by cheating the number of women who cheated is equal to the men.

You have been unlucky I'm afraid or made bad choices.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/07/2015 14:13

Dh and I have been married nearly 23 years - still together, no divorce on the cards, no abuse. My mum and dad were happily married until his death.

It sounds as if your experience of marriage and relationships has been really bad, but not every man is an abusive cheat - most are decent, kind, honest human beings - not perfect, because none of us are - but well worth knowing.

Baddz · 23/07/2015 14:22

Marriages aren't perfect.
My parents were married for over 40 til my dad died.
My pils are going on for 50 years.
Dh and I have been together for 20.
Has it all been roses and happiness?
No.
Sometimes it's been fucking grim, but we are still here.
My sister has been married for 13 years and my brother for 7.
I am sure they would say the same.
Oh...and most importantly....it's not compulsory.

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