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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is no point to relationships/marriage

84 replies

FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 13:23

because most men leave, cheat or are abusive? I don't know anyone in a happy relationship/marriage. All marriages, especially first marriages seem to end in divorce. I just think, what's the point?

OP posts:
duckydinosaur · 23/07/2015 14:24

You sound like an idiot! This is the most ridiculous post I have seen on here.

YABU - get a grip.

Spartans · 23/07/2015 14:25

I have been married since I was 20, with dh since I was 18. 15 years no abuse, cheating or divorce.

I actually find the 'all men cheat and abuse' really fucking offensive. I have a son, a husband , a brother and a father etc. you are labelling members of my family. I don't like any group being labelled. It's not ok to do to women and not ok to do it to men. I don't want my son growing up in a world where it's ok to label him an abuser or cheater because he happens to have a penis.

LilyMayViolet · 23/07/2015 14:25

Well I'm a lesbian, soon to be married after 10 years together with my amazing partner. My previous partner (female) cheated on me all the time so it's a person specific thing not a man/woman thing I think.

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2015 14:26

Really sorry to see that life has led you to this conclusion, OP, but it's not true for everyone. My husband is amazing and we have a very happy marriage.

Baddz · 23/07/2015 14:29
Moodyblue1 · 23/07/2015 14:35

Blimey that's quite a sad view to have, some men are cheats, can be abusive etc as can some women be but certainly not all. I've been cheated on in the past and so has my husband but we recognise that not everyone does that!

I'm struggling to think of many marriages I know that have ended in divorce, apart from my mum and a cousin that's all I know of. I have a lot of friends and family who have been married for many many years my in laws for over 50. My brother, sister and BIL are all happily married. Of course marriage is never smooth sailing and people go through rough patches but if you both want it to work and work hard at it then you will get through it.

I agree it's insulting to men to be labelled as cheats who cannot control themselves.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 16:36

30 years married and we are both very happy. Neither of us have cheated and my husband is a very decent human being. Many people I know appear to have happy relationships, although no one can be 100% sure of that.

Does that make you feel better? I'm sure many posters will share positive stories too.

I'm not discounting your feelings, but it is entirely possible to have a good relationship. Being with the right person is a start.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/07/2015 16:40

I'm very sorry you feel that way. I'm sure you have your reasons.

I am very grateful I met DH. He is a good bloke and I know how lucky I am.

WicksEnd · 23/07/2015 16:45

I'm honestly struggling to think of anyone in my friendship circle/parents of DCs friends circle who are divorced. I know a few single parents, my best friend included who have never married, but all my married friends have been married a similar number of years to us, (17) or more.

I guess that's quite unusual.

RedCurlyTots · 23/07/2015 16:48

I think YANBU to have that view, and I can understand if you've been shit/seen people around you shit on so many times if can certainly seem like that.

But, not every marriage ends in divorce/relationship breaks up. Today is my 16th wedding anniversary, been with DH for 20 years since I was 16. We've certainly had our ups and downs and have come close to seperating a few times but thankfully we've managed to work it out. He's never cheated or been abusive and neither have I.

My mum and dad were married for 20 years and it was my mum who was the one to cheat (twice that I know of) and then divorce my dad for the OM.

I have aunts and uncles who have been married for over 40 years and are still really happy together.

My sister thought she'd never meet a man who would be a normal nice guy, all her exes are twats who've either cheated or abused her. Yet within 18 months she's met the most lovely man. They're both head over heels and they've moved in together, she's now pregnant and they're getting married next month.

Life is funny, and unpredictable. Shit happens to some people more than others. Some get lucky sone don't at all. It's never the same for everyone. There is a large part of the population that are abusive cheating twats (male and female) but there is an ever larger part that are just normal lovely people.

BleachEverything · 23/07/2015 16:49

Well you're a barrel of laughs aren't you

mrsmeerkat · 23/07/2015 16:50

I think it is just your experience.. I know mostly happy couples and only one that ended nasty in my close family/friend circle.

There are a lot of good decent people out there.

RedHelenB · 23/07/2015 16:52

Actually I sort of do agree with OP. What I thought of as happy marriages (and some are still married) have all had instances of cheating, just that they decided to stay together. And in some I was very surprised to hear what goes on behind closed doors.

howabout · 23/07/2015 16:53

YABU to be judging others but I am not going to rub salt into your bitterness by telling you how much my experience differs from yours.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 16:58

I wasn't saying ALL men are abusive/cheat, but most seem incapable of staying committed and faithful. Rape, pedophilia, murder, again all mostly committed by men. You can't deny that, it's almost always men that do these things. Why?

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 23/07/2015 17:00

I love my DH very much, he is a fantastic man and an amazing dad. The biggest deception in our marriage is that my husband thinks he is lucky to have me. The reality is I am the lucky one.

gymboywalton · 23/07/2015 17:01

i have been happily married for 18 years-no cheating, no abuse. Just a nice relationship with a loving man who is a great father. my parents were married for 53 years and were only parted by death. My inlaws hgave been married for 46 years.

Just because you don't know anyone in a happy marriage doesn't mean they don't exist.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 17:02

Hmmm. Women can be as nasty as men and I'm not a man hater, so I can't relate to what you are saying at all.

The vast majority of the male population wouldn't dream of committing child abuse, murder or rape. YAVVVU

fancyanotherfez · 23/07/2015 17:06

I sometimes stupidly I know, read the comments on online articles, which are filled with comments from hate filled, nasty male specimens that it does make me wonder if there are any decent men. Then I remember to look at my own life, where I have been married for 10 years mainly happily, as have the vast majority of my friends. I don't know any cheats or abusers in that group. I know 10 years is not a long time in the great scheme of things, but it does cover the massive adjustment period of babies and living together and giving up the single life. I don't know many divorced people in general. I do think the statistics are slightly skewed by multiple divorces as second and subsequent marriages are slightly more likely to break up, and also older people who would have broken up in their first 5-10 years of marriage if it had been more socially acceptable decide enough is enough.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 17:11

There's no mileage in writing about happy, normal, plodding along (in a good way) relationships though, is there?

fancyanotherfez · 23/07/2015 17:11

There is a difference between most men are abusers and paedophiles and most paedophiles are men. It is still a tiny minority of men. Maybe a larger minority of men cheat but I think it's still a minority. Maybe you are attracted to the wrong type of men? It happens if your experience growing up is with scummy men.

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 17:14

I'm also trying to imagine a demographic with no, absolutely no, happy relationships. That can't be right or the op only knows about 3 people.

BreakingDad77 · 23/07/2015 17:16

YABU a lot of women will tolerate being in a crap relationship over being single due to various societal reasons/pressures.

Break the mould by getting with someone good to begin with before you even think of kids/moving in etc.

Sleepyhoglet · 23/07/2015 17:24

That's very negative. Can I suggest you are friends with the wrong people!

wonkylegs · 23/07/2015 17:26

YABU - OP I'm sorry your experiences are so bad but it's not my experience which is kinda the polar opposite. We've been together 15yrs, married 10 and most of our friends have been married between 8-15yrs of all of our friends we have only had one couple divorce. Plus my parents who frankly shouldn't have got married in the first place they are the most mismatched couple I've ever seen.