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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there is no point to relationships/marriage

84 replies

FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 13:23

because most men leave, cheat or are abusive? I don't know anyone in a happy relationship/marriage. All marriages, especially first marriages seem to end in divorce. I just think, what's the point?

OP posts:
Spartans · 23/07/2015 17:36

If you can't see the difference between most crime being committed by men and saying that means most men are shits, then I can't see the point in discussing this

Cornettoninja · 23/07/2015 17:45

I feel quite sorry for you actually, it's a hard and long life to have your baseline assessment of every man you encounter being the devil incarnate. Never mind ignoring the fact that women are just as capable of hurting others.

It's your absolute right to chose a partnership or not, but there are plenty of us out there who have had good experiences. My dp is my best friend and my stability. I could do without him but I don't want to. Even if it was my female best friend it would be naive to think they could never hurt or betray me. That's a human trait and a risk with any relationship involving trust and vulnerability.

Allowing anyone to have that kind of hold in your life is a risk but it's one most people think is worth taking. It also means compromising, what I think is best for me might not be best for them and what rule states my preferences take priority?

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 23/07/2015 17:56

I somewhat agree with you OP.

I'm happy and stable on my own. And the enjoyment I could get with someone else, for me, isn't worth:
a) the compromises required eg less time/space to myself.
b) the risk of him cheating/being abusive/divorce, etc etc.

I've had 3 LTRs and 2 of the breakups were traumatic.

I've seen too many 30yr marriages split up so you can never be sure it won't happen to you. And others (eg my parents) are long term married but not exactly happy.

Just because there's not been a divorce, doesn't mean the marriage is a success!

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 17:58

I have come to the conclusion that, with the amount of single decent men available, i'm either going to have to settle if I want a relationship/marriage/kids or be single forever. Is it better to settle, than be the odd one out? At 24, a lot of my old school friends have already had children and got married/engaged, i'd like that too but there doesn't seem to be any decent men )even older men in their 30's) available.

OP posts:
mrsdavidbowie · 23/07/2015 18:00

You are very jaded for someone so young.

Yellowbird54321 · 23/07/2015 18:08

Twenty four? Twenty. Four?

firesidechat · 23/07/2015 18:09

24!

Oh come on op, you're just being silly now. I find it hard to believe that most of your contemporaries are married and that there are no decent single men around. Where on earth do you live?

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 23/07/2015 18:10

OP, you don't get married to avoid "being the odd one out"!

MissMogwi · 23/07/2015 18:10

I think YABU. Although this must be based on your own experience, which is a shame.

I was cheated on and walked all over by my children's dad and was totally shattered by it. It took me years to get over it tbh.

However not all men or women,are the same. My lovely DP is wonderful, he's a much nicer person than me for a start Wink, and treats me and my children like we're the best thing that has ever happened to him.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 23/07/2015 18:11

But yes, it's better to be single than to "settle" for someone.
And you're right to think about your options and not just follow the herd.
Marriage & kids ain't compulsory, thank goodness!

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 23/07/2015 18:18

I felt the same when I was 22. Im now 36 and have been married for 11 years. My DH isn't abusive and hasn't cheated (it would be far too much effort for him) as far as Im aware. Yes ATM things aren't fantastic between us, but we are no way near splitting up or anything.

Sodder · 23/07/2015 18:29

When someone comes out with the stuff that the OP has, I wonder how the individual's parents' marriage is and the marriages of family members because I do think that whilst it is not impossible, it is more difficult to have happy relationships if our parents' marriage etc. has been unhappy for some reason. You really do have to unlearn an awful lot in order to be happy.

Does this fit OP?

Oh and no not most men cheat are abusive etc. Many are rather lovely.

Dowser · 23/07/2015 18:53

Would have been my Ruby wedding anniversary this year too.

We just managed 30 years before his cheating got out of hand( I didn't know about the ones before)

Much happier now and get married pretty soon after being with new partner for 7 years.

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 23/07/2015 19:44

Sodder dad, stepdad, brother, grandfather, all abusive. Neighbour is a nice man in his 60's, married for years but not sure how he treats her. The thing is, many men are nice on the surface and may appear decent and gentlemen like, but behind closed doors they are very different. My father for example, is one of them.

OP posts:
LadyLuck81 · 23/07/2015 20:13

YABU. If you are in the right relationship it's wonderful. Not all men are shit anymore than all women are. I'm sorry if you've had a tough time.

FanOfHermione · 23/07/2015 20:22

What do you call a 'happy relationship' though?
Do you mean one where you still in the honeymoon period 30 years later?

One where you never have an argument/difficulties/difference of opinions?

As for most men are unfaithful/paed/abusive, I think that you have had VERY bad examples around you.
When you think about your friendfs who are married/have dcs etc..., do you think they are all unhappy, married to abusive twats?

ByeByeButterfly · 23/07/2015 20:23

You mean all women are liars, abusive or cheat too, right?

FanOfHermione · 23/07/2015 20:24

Also I notiuce that the men you are citing are all from the same family. Rather than saying all men are like this, maybe it has more to do with tyour family dynamic?

I am sure that most families aren't like that.

fancyanotherfez · 23/07/2015 20:34

Yes you sound like you come from an abusive background, so this may bevbwhat is clouding your view of men. Also, 24 is no age to be getting married and having children. If most of your friends have done this, then they are quite unusual. If they are all also married to cheaters and abusers, I would say you have surrounded yourself with women with an alarming lack of self esteem or prospects. Why would you want this? Do something to get yourself out of this group and worry about relationships when you start meeting more people.

BreakingDad77 · 24/07/2015 10:39

Theres probably not that many men who are going to be wanting to settle down that early unless they have found the one!

Morloth · 24/07/2015 10:56

None of the men I know are abusive (well I suppose some could be but they hide it well).

I have no tolerance for abusive men. I hold all men I meet against my father and he was fucking awesome.

Been with DH for 20+ years now, he has never given me a reason to doubt him. My sons are growing into excellent young men as well.

Surround yourself with better people.

Reubs15 · 31/07/2015 07:39

You're labelling all men as the same. Very sexist. Women do the same! If it's not for you that's fine. I'm in a really happy relationship as are a lot of people I know. Have a little faith Smile

LazyLohan · 31/07/2015 08:10

Flowers if you are going into relationships with the attitude that most men are bastards and that you would be 'settling' I'm not surprised you're finding it difficult to find a 'decent' man. Any man who was sensible, stable and had a healthy amount of self esteem would run a mile from a woman with that sort of attitude. I'd be horrified if my son got into a relationship with that sort of attitude.

Could you imagine if a woman got into a relationship with a man who thought all women were money grabbing sluts? It's that attitude reversed.

You're kind of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. As long as you continue to have this attitude no 'decent' man is going to get into a relationship with you and you're going to find you only attract the sort of people who will do this kind of thing, because they won't have any interest in a healthy balanced long term relationship so your attitude won't bother them.

patterkiller · 31/07/2015 08:12

Most have been married for 15 plus years including us.

I didn't grow up around abuse so at the first hint of it on date 1,2 or 3 I would dump and run. Maybe your tolerance is too high and you put up with more than I would on the first dates Therefore I didn't ever get into a relationship with a dickhead I only had dates with them.

Set your bar higher and look for genuinely nice men. There are loads. Honest.

Mygardenistoobig · 31/07/2015 08:28

There are some very happy couples and some not so happy.

I do think the statistics are skewed as a lot of the older generation would not divorce no matter what . I know lots of older women who never divorced and just tolerated the abuse sadly.

Some people do just settle and that is sad. Others are very happy whether they are married, co habit or live separately.

At 24 you shouldn't be under pressure to find your soul mate. Reading your posts op I think your background has definately jaded you. Don't rush into anything , you can find happiness at any point of your life.

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