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AIBU unreasonable to loathe this parent ?

174 replies

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 11:27

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons

End of Y6 and emotions have been running high for kids and parents, lots of reminiscing, special tear-jerking assembly at school and a prom in the school hall etc. My dc is fairly sanguine about the whole moving on to secondary school thing as they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with.

Last day of term is an early finish and a group of Y6 parents have organised for them to head off to the nearest park to have ice cream and play football etc. I arrive at the park to pick dc up, end up hanging around whilst they get their bag/stuff and whilst chatting to a few parents I hear calls of "see you tonight" as other kids leave and also hear mention of "the REAL end of Y6 party" "it's gonna be great/so cool" etc. They seem way more excited about this than the Y6 prom which was considered by many to be a bit of a damp squib tbh. Parents are double checking who's getting/giving lifts to get there etc.
It dawns on me that one of the Y6's "birthday party" to which my dc did not expect to be invited (as they're not in the birthday child's main friendship group) is not a run of the mill birthday celebration after all. It turns out that my dc has worked this out too.

Just round the corner from the park pick-up I stop for petrol at the local service station and bump into another mum who I know well enough to ask about the party without any awkwardness. She told me that she specifically asked the hosting parent if everyone is going to this party and was blithely told all except A, B & C.

Don't flame me for lack of further information about B & C but it would be too identifying as to why they are not invited. They attended the prom but that was school run and staff were on hand.

A, as you've guessed by now, is my child. No-one's best mate friend but not a billy no-mates loner by a long run.

The parent has specifically excluded my dc who is acknowledged to be kind, well behaved, hard working etc etc just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year.

Now to the point - AIBU to object to the parent posting pictures on the PTA pages of the school website (the parent is on the PTA) alongside pictures of the prom with captions about tears shed etc etc. I so want to not show how much they hurt dc and by extension us as parents but to exclude 3 out of 29 is just mean and posting photo's of the event on a page that I and any of the excluded dc/their parents can see is at best thoughtless.

AIBU unreasonable to absolutely loathe her for what she has done to a child, my child, as far as making them feel utterly excluded at the start of the summer hols and upcoming transition to secondary school. Dc won't go to the park today to hang out for a while as they know classmates will be there talking about last night's party. It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family. I'm formulating a plan of lots of activities with friends and their children who don't go to dcs' school to create some happy memories to blot this out but I feel I have some work to do to build up dc's confidence again before secondary school starts in Sept.

AIBU to actually, deep down, think that parent is a simply not a nice person inside, however smiley/friendly and great they look on the outside ?

OP posts:

LL12 · 23/07/2015 11:32

I would loath them too, unfortunately there are lot's of two faced people around.
Hopefully you won't have to see them again and your son can make lot's of lovely new friends in his new school.


ollieplimsoles · 23/07/2015 11:33

Yanbu, what an absolutely horrible thing to do.

Some people don't ever grow out of year 6 do they?

Hope your dc is ok and can enjoy summer hols regardless. At secondary school they wont give this a second thought and will be able to make loads of new friends


Athrawes · 23/07/2015 11:35

Tell them. Do. They were mean and they need to know.


Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 11:35

How awful op, I would be utterly hurt, what she has done is nasty and spiteful. Unfortunately some adults never really left school.


Icantbelieveitsnotbutter · 23/07/2015 11:36

That happened to my dd too.
A group of parents got together to throw a party for the yr6 leavers.

They left 4 out. One was my dd. my dd was devastated and I was gutted for her.

Dd went to the school prom though.


cjt110 · 23/07/2015 11:37

Very mean to exclude a small group of children when the majority are attending. YANBU. I'd be quite upset


Thistledew · 23/07/2015 11:38

You would not be at all reasonable to contact the head of the PTA and/or the school head to ask that the pictures from the 'Private Party' be taken down, as this was not a whole class event and is unfair to the children who were excluded.

I hope your DC finds a better fit with friends in secondary school. I know how s/he feels, but can promise that they will find their niche eventually.


Theycallmemellowjello · 23/07/2015 11:38

No, yanbu, that's a terrible thing to do.

But you sound a bit resentful of the rest of the class ("just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year") - careful you don't start feeling bitter about a bunch of 11 year olds.


Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 11:38

I would go to the park, hold your head high. Sidle up to her and ask how the party was. Tell her straight that she was nasty and mean and will inform the school as to what she has done was not acceptable.


NinkyNonkers · 23/07/2015 11:38

I agree. That shit just isn't cool.


Gusthetheatrecat · 23/07/2015 11:39

I don't think you ABU at all. I wonder if you might think about posting a comment on one of the pictures that is entirely honest but not malicous. Perhaps,
'Please could you remove the pictures of the party in the park. I find it upsetting to see them on the PTA page as this wasn't a PTA event, and my DS was one of the only children not invited. Happy to see the prom pictures though as all children were part of this. Thanks.'
Obviously rising above it and leaving it is probably more dignified and mature, but honestly I am increasingly in favour of calling people out, in a measured way, on their bad behaviour. old gimmer icon


Pastaeater · 23/07/2015 11:39

I would be livid. What an absolute cow; I would be very inclined to contact her and - calmly - mention that what she did upset your child very much, and then watch her try to wriggle out of it.

I would also contact the chair of the PTA and make your point about the photos; plus contact the school if the photos are on the school website.

Exclude 3 out of 29 children!! My blood is boiling! Don't let them do this again next year to another poor child.


littlemslazybones · 23/07/2015 11:40

Well I don't think well of the parent to host a class leaving party and then exclude three children. That's a bit shit.

But I think you need to relax a bit too. You seem to be a bit over invested in the whole event. I think you'd be better off modelling a more philosophical approach so that your child can practise a bit of resilience for this kind of classroom politicking, which will come thick and fast in secondary school. A bit more 'Don't let the bastards get you down' and a little less ' and now my heart is broken'.


TracyBarlow · 23/07/2015 11:41

I would confront her head-on, but not in front of the children. What a bloody cow.


spanieleyes · 23/07/2015 11:42

It was mean to exclude your child, but also mean to exclude the other two surely?


itsmine · 23/07/2015 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ollieplimsoles · 23/07/2015 11:43

I would also tell her how awful it was of her to exclude three kids from a party.

However think about this woman for a second, the only 'power' she has is being in charge of a party for a bunch of 11 year old kids and abuses it by leaving kids out for no reason, she sounds pathetic and i would tell her so.


Pastaeater · 23/07/2015 11:43

I work in a school, and the staff would be concerned about this and would definitely consider taking the photos off the school website if they were of a private party (which they obviously were).


Whatisaweekend · 23/07/2015 11:44

Oh goodness I would have to say something, I would just have to!! Are you able to comment on the photos on the PTA site so everyone can see? Or else I would email copying in as many parents as you have addresses for. Are you all going to the same secondary? If yes, keep it cool, polite and diplomatic. If not, go nuclear on her ass. God, HOW can people be such BITCHES?! I am so sad for your child.


BabyGanoush · 23/07/2015 11:47

I'd have no shame in telling them:

"You know, inviting the whole class bar 3 kids, that just is not cool. You should feel ashamed, anyway, I hope you do."

And also tell the school, to remove pics, they probably think it was a full y6 party.

Fucking bitches, how dare they. Really not on. I'd feel no shame in sharing how upsetting this is to your DD, if it gets them to feel just an ounce or a modicum of shame.


ColeslawSandwich · 23/07/2015 11:47

I would go with Gus' suggestion upthread.


gamerchick · 23/07/2015 11:50

I'm assuming the other 2 were SN or whatever and therefore ok to be excluded. Par the course.

OP shit happens.. If it's going to eat you up then tell the parent what a cunt they are and get on with your life.


willowwaters · 23/07/2015 11:50

So would I. How absolutely horrible.


Goshthatsspicy · 23/07/2015 11:52

I feel very sorry for you.
I hope l'm wrong, but you insinuated in your opening post that you 'got' why the other two were not invited?
Massive apologies if this is not the case.
No, YANBU not at all.
My son left yr6 this year too ,he was shafted for an award that should have been his. I found out his teacher didn't like him... I really understand. Flowers


ButterDish · 23/07/2015 11:54

I'm not asking for identifying information about the other two excluded children, but you do sound slightly as if you think it was ok to exclude them, when it wasn't to exclude your child?

Also, I'm not surprised you are upset, but I agree with whoever said upthread that you should try to model resilience for your child, and leave your own hurt and anger out of it. You can't now do anything about your child having been left out, and while obviously you can and should act about bullying, in essence you can't control someone else's behaviour when it relates to out of school invitations. It's a hurtful situation, but I think you need to set aside your own feelings and focus on making your child feel better.

I know that my mother would have taken it terribly to heart, dwelt on it endlessly and bitterly, and seen it as evidence that I was some kind of natural outcast, thereby making me feel much worse because she was magnifying my already hurt feelings. What would have helped was something comforting and brisk that restored my sense of agency - a treat that was independent of friendships, maybe, and some talk about how you can't generally control other people's behaviour, only how you respond? And some reassurance that this is one, admittedly hurtful, event, not some kind of inevitable pattern that will go on indefinitely.

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