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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU unreasonable to loathe this parent ?

174 replies

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 11:27

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons

End of Y6 and emotions have been running high for kids and parents, lots of reminiscing, special tear-jerking assembly at school and a prom in the school hall etc. My dc is fairly sanguine about the whole moving on to secondary school thing as they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with.

Last day of term is an early finish and a group of Y6 parents have organised for them to head off to the nearest park to have ice cream and play football etc. I arrive at the park to pick dc up, end up hanging around whilst they get their bag/stuff and whilst chatting to a few parents I hear calls of "see you tonight" as other kids leave and also hear mention of "the REAL end of Y6 party" "it's gonna be great/so cool" etc. They seem way more excited about this than the Y6 prom which was considered by many to be a bit of a damp squib tbh. Parents are double checking who's getting/giving lifts to get there etc.
It dawns on me that one of the Y6's "birthday party" to which my dc did not expect to be invited (as they're not in the birthday child's main friendship group) is not a run of the mill birthday celebration after all. It turns out that my dc has worked this out too.

Just round the corner from the park pick-up I stop for petrol at the local service station and bump into another mum who I know well enough to ask about the party without any awkwardness. She told me that she specifically asked the hosting parent if everyone is going to this party and was blithely told all except A, B & C.

Don't flame me for lack of further information about B & C but it would be too identifying as to why they are not invited. They attended the prom but that was school run and staff were on hand.

A, as you've guessed by now, is my child. No-one's best mate friend but not a billy no-mates loner by a long run.

The parent has specifically excluded my dc who is acknowledged to be kind, well behaved, hard working etc etc just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year.

Now to the point - AIBU to object to the parent posting pictures on the PTA pages of the school website (the parent is on the PTA) alongside pictures of the prom with captions about tears shed etc etc. I so want to not show how much they hurt dc and by extension us as parents but to exclude 3 out of 29 is just mean and posting photo's of the event on a page that I and any of the excluded dc/their parents can see is at best thoughtless.

AIBU unreasonable to absolutely loathe her for what she has done to a child, my child, as far as making them feel utterly excluded at the start of the summer hols and upcoming transition to secondary school. Dc won't go to the park today to hang out for a while as they know classmates will be there talking about last night's party. It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family. I'm formulating a plan of lots of activities with friends and their children who don't go to dcs' school to create some happy memories to blot this out but I feel I have some work to do to build up dc's confidence again before secondary school starts in Sept.

AIBU to actually, deep down, think that parent is a simply not a nice person inside, however smiley/friendly and great they look on the outside ?

OP posts:
Zucker · 23/07/2015 12:09

I'd have to comment on the pictures. A,B and C not invited to this fabulous party, hope everyone had a great time. On each and every picture.

Fuckers doing that to 3 children.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 12:10

As a member of the PtA her behaviour was very inprofessional, and not what expected of members, so go through official channels.

pixiestixie84 · 23/07/2015 12:10

She sounds like a complete knob. I wouldn't bother speaking to her, she must have known that you would find out about the party and clearly didn't care. The other parents will either not know or be glad it isn't their child being excluded. Stand tall, that will send a good message to your dc.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 23/07/2015 12:11

It'smine, naive I'm afraid. I have posted before about when one of my DDs (has SN, primary school) went to a restaurant with us for a meal. Everyone else from her class was there having a birthday party for someone she thought was one of her friends. She was very very upset, and didn't understand. It was awful.

Op, I agree with PPs that best ing to do is appear positive to your DC, I really sold the idea of secondary school being a good place to make real, grown up friendships and put all the childish stuff behind them. YANBU to ask for pics of a private party to be taken off the school website though.

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 12:11

What Zucker said.

TinyManticore · 23/07/2015 12:12

Comment 'looks like everybody had a nice time, except for the three children out of 29 who were deliberately excluded from this party. Not sure why this is displayed as though it was a whole of Y6 event though.'

itsmine · 23/07/2015 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyManticore · 23/07/2015 12:12

X post with Zucker Blush

ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne · 23/07/2015 12:12

I think I would have to do what Zucker said!

MokunMokun · 23/07/2015 12:15

I wouldn't comment, just complain to the school and have them deal with it.

Yarp · 23/07/2015 12:15

Mokun

Me too. There may be no facility to comment on the website anyway

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/07/2015 12:17

I think Gusthetheatrecat's comment is perfect - spot on - and you should put that on at least one of the pictures from this party.

I do agree with those who have suggested you be pretty matter of fact about it with your child - I think it is perfectly reasonable to let them know you don't think what happened was OK, but at the same time, you need to help them be 'don't let the bastards get you down' about it, as littlems said.

MrsDeVere · 23/07/2015 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WickedWax · 23/07/2015 12:24

I'd have to comment on any photos that were put on the page, pointing out that 3 children were deliberately excluded.

I'm surprised at the other parents too though, that went along with it.

DS is leaving primary today and We had a mum trying to organise a leaving event in such a way that 4 or 5 out of 30 would have to be excluded. I posted quite openly on the Facebook page that if that were the case, count us out, I wouldn't be a part of an event like that. Once I'd said it, most of the other parents then said the same.

youarekiddingme · 23/07/2015 12:25

Whatever the reason the 3 were excluded it does smack as unkind to arrange an end of year event that excludes some end of year pupils. If there was a problem with the 3 then something should have been done to support them.

I'd also add a comment saying that they need to remove photos of a party they deliberately excluded 3 pupils from. It was not an end of year 6 party it was a private party for selected guests of year 6.

It may be that only a select few parents were aware of the exclusions and other parents should be informed of the tactics the pay parent uses. You'd be surprised how many parents keep out of the politics, waiting and wondering, and would welcome the chance to know they are right in their suspicions of people.

youarekiddingme · 23/07/2015 12:26

X posts with wicked who said what I wanted too much more clearly!

SisterOfTheVicar · 23/07/2015 12:30

I agree totally with everything youarekiddingme has said

Samcro · 23/07/2015 12:31

ahh well op now you know how B and C's parents feel.
horrid to just leave 3 out

SorchaN · 23/07/2015 12:33

As a parent of a 10 year-old with ASD, the possibility of the other two kids having special needs was my first thought, simply because my son has been excluded from so many things and it really upsets him. Where can I collect my pitchfork? Smile

But I agree with PP who suggested commenting on the photos or, if that's not possible, bringing it to the attention of the head teacher. I'd want to make a small fuss about it, just to register my disapproval, and then put it behind me/us and have a fun summer.

Tizwailor · 23/07/2015 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WyrdByrd · 23/07/2015 12:41

What a cow! Of course people are 'entitled' to invite whoever they choose to an event they arrange doesn't make them less of a shit in this instance though, but posting pictures of what is basically a private party on a school website/FB page - totally unacceptable regardless of who does and doesn't attend.

I hope you and your DC have a lovely summer holiday Flowers.

gamerchick · 23/07/2015 12:42

I'm liking this he suggestions. The school may have no idea this was a private party and comments including the number of all of the kids who weren't invited to be put on and request the school take them down to avoid upset.

Let's the parent who organised it know what a spiteful person she was and everyone else who didn't know there were kids who were deliberately not invited know.

But if the person the OP spoke too was so forthcoming with that information she doesn't sound like a very nice person herself tbh .

There's probably an undercurrent of bitchy behaviour in general the OP isn't aware of.

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 12:46

To my surprise the photo's on the PTA page have now been removed without me doing anything.......

My dc didn't see them before they were removed.

I have no intention of confronting the mother responsible, I'd rather keep my dignity intact but if asked by anyone I will tell the truth about the hurt caused by her actions. Although our Y6 dc are going to different secondary schools we both have younger dc at the primary school.

I think it's a lesson learned really about how some people never grow out of the playground mentality of the potential power of a party invite. Being over 18, working for a living, legally able to drink/smoke and get a mortgage, perhaps none of this actually makes you into a fully fledged mature adult unless your thought processes have matured too.

It was just an extremely shabby thing to do.

My dc's ability to keep joining in with the after school park session yesterday with all the other kids chat over the forthcoming party that evening makes me proud of them. They waited until they were in the car with me before their façade crumbled.

OP posts:
TheMoonOnAStick15 · 23/07/2015 12:51
Sad How utterly horrible.
Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 12:52

There was a thread only weeks ago about how a parent wanted to invite all of their 5 year old's class except one child who was a "bully." They might even have been 4, not 5. I was astonished at how many people thought it was ok to do that. No thought for the child or why they might behave that way or ways to manage it. Really horrible.