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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU unreasonable to loathe this parent ?

174 replies

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 11:27

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons

End of Y6 and emotions have been running high for kids and parents, lots of reminiscing, special tear-jerking assembly at school and a prom in the school hall etc. My dc is fairly sanguine about the whole moving on to secondary school thing as they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with.

Last day of term is an early finish and a group of Y6 parents have organised for them to head off to the nearest park to have ice cream and play football etc. I arrive at the park to pick dc up, end up hanging around whilst they get their bag/stuff and whilst chatting to a few parents I hear calls of "see you tonight" as other kids leave and also hear mention of "the REAL end of Y6 party" "it's gonna be great/so cool" etc. They seem way more excited about this than the Y6 prom which was considered by many to be a bit of a damp squib tbh. Parents are double checking who's getting/giving lifts to get there etc.
It dawns on me that one of the Y6's "birthday party" to which my dc did not expect to be invited (as they're not in the birthday child's main friendship group) is not a run of the mill birthday celebration after all. It turns out that my dc has worked this out too.

Just round the corner from the park pick-up I stop for petrol at the local service station and bump into another mum who I know well enough to ask about the party without any awkwardness. She told me that she specifically asked the hosting parent if everyone is going to this party and was blithely told all except A, B & C.

Don't flame me for lack of further information about B & C but it would be too identifying as to why they are not invited. They attended the prom but that was school run and staff were on hand.

A, as you've guessed by now, is my child. No-one's best mate friend but not a billy no-mates loner by a long run.

The parent has specifically excluded my dc who is acknowledged to be kind, well behaved, hard working etc etc just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year.

Now to the point - AIBU to object to the parent posting pictures on the PTA pages of the school website (the parent is on the PTA) alongside pictures of the prom with captions about tears shed etc etc. I so want to not show how much they hurt dc and by extension us as parents but to exclude 3 out of 29 is just mean and posting photo's of the event on a page that I and any of the excluded dc/their parents can see is at best thoughtless.

AIBU unreasonable to absolutely loathe her for what she has done to a child, my child, as far as making them feel utterly excluded at the start of the summer hols and upcoming transition to secondary school. Dc won't go to the park today to hang out for a while as they know classmates will be there talking about last night's party. It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family. I'm formulating a plan of lots of activities with friends and their children who don't go to dcs' school to create some happy memories to blot this out but I feel I have some work to do to build up dc's confidence again before secondary school starts in Sept.

AIBU to actually, deep down, think that parent is a simply not a nice person inside, however smiley/friendly and great they look on the outside ?

OP posts:
Howmanywotwots · 23/07/2015 12:53

Sorry this has happened op.

You know it's not just the organiser who's in the wrong though. If the other parents know three have been excluded and are going along with it then they are just as bad. I wouldn't give anything to do with any of them.

Bullys are only powerful because of all the other muppets around them.

Agree with a pp who said don't let the bastards get you down.

itsmine · 23/07/2015 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scoobydoo8 · 23/07/2015 12:55

You have no honest opinion of how great the party really was.

Did all the DCs have a ball? Most unlikely really, and might have been another damp squib - there is a limit to the partying an 11 year old can do.

You could be making the wrong assumptions about it.

Chippedrippedandstinking · 23/07/2015 12:55

Howmanywotwots so true.

Goshthatsspicy · 23/07/2015 13:07

Could you please clarify your thoughts on the other two children excluded.

tilder · 23/07/2015 13:09

Lappy you should be rightly proud of your dc as it sounds like they rose above it all. Tricky politics going forward though if you both have children still at the school.

People can be utter shits. A class party means invite all the class or none of the class. No half way house.

tilder · 23/07/2015 13:24

I remember that thread chipped. It shocked me too, especially given the age of the children involved.

I haven't got the impression the op thinks its ok that the other two were excluded as well. Just that she can guess the reason. I got the impression that she didn't want to elaborate on them as it might be too identifying.

Tbo, I would expect any parent of a child who attended that party to recognise the details on this thread. If they are reading, I hope they are ashamed.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/07/2015 13:24

Agree with Thistledew, get those photos taken down. I would be just as upset as you are, OP and I'd want to have it out with the parent. I'd probably have my conversation with her at the next PTA in front of everyone, making the point about excluding three children and being so pointed about the invitations being exclusive. It's not on and she's done this under the auspices of PTA.

I'd probably take it to the headteacher also; PTA doesn't mean that you can arbitrarily do as you like and chuck your weight about.

I'm so sorry for your daughter - and for you having to see how upset she is. Completely understandable.

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 13:25

Sorry, but I won't be any more specific about the children B & C. Not fair to them or others.

Scoobydo8 To the average Y6 it doesn't matter how great the party was/wasn't, it's being excluded in the first place that mattered to my dc.

I'll never know how many parents knew just 3 were excluded and the parent I asked about the party didn't have a dc going anyway.

OP posts:
littlemslazybones · 23/07/2015 13:31

Oh, how interesting that the photos have come down over the course of the thread, surely that's a coincidence?

If not, let me do the honours:

WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING CUNTS YOU ARE.

(No point being philosophical all the time)

SallyMcgally · 23/07/2015 13:33

YANBU at all! What an absolute total bitch. I'd be quite tempted to print off this thread and let her read it.
End of Year 6 is a bit of a bloody minefield really. One of my friends (whose kids are in a different school) has posted pictures of her lad looking extremely happy and confident surrounded by his group of friends. I happen to know that they are being very unkind to another kid in their year, and had a pang for that child's mother in case she sees the picture. Also - could they please stop having one thousand million bloody events? Can't they just leave school, and have an ice-cream and special assembly on the last day? That would alleviate quite a lot of the angst.
Hope you have a lovely holiday with your lovely DC, OP. It was absolutely vile of that mother to do this, but secondary school will offer a whole load of different friendships and starts.

WyrdByrd · 23/07/2015 13:36

Are your younger DC's in the same year?

I'd be planning an end of Year 6 party myself for when they leave and return the favour ok I wouldn't actually go through with it but I'd enjoy the fantasy for a bit

Your DC sounds very mature. I'm sure the memory will fade with a summer holiday full of other fun things and at least they don't have to face the other kid in September.

ActiviaYoghurt · 23/07/2015 13:40

I would contact the school about the photos, the photos don't really have a right to be on the official school event webpage, as it wasn't a formal school event but I would leave it there tbh.

You said in your OP that you wouldn't have expected your DC to be invited to their birthday party anyhow. The timing has made this worse. I would be upset but move on.

MokunMokun · 23/07/2015 13:43

I also wondered if news of this thread has got back to the mum in question.

FryOneFatManic · 23/07/2015 13:44

I also thought it was odd the photos came down while this was being debated here.

And I agree with the previous sentiment expressed about that.

tilder · 23/07/2015 13:51

If word has got back, I hope an apology is on its way.

What gets me about these whole party except x things is the message it sends. Not just to the poor child(ren) that has been excluded, but the others who are included. It's like hanging a sign up saying us and them. We are ok, they are not. That its ok to exclude the 'not' for whatever reason.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 13:53

I hope party mum is reading this, because you are a nasty mean and spiteful idiot, to exclude 3 children from yiur 'unofficial' end of yr6 party and have the audacity and total unprofessionalism to post them on the PTA website, shame on you!

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 13:56

Exactly, I don't like the undertone of the op, so it's ok nit to exclude her ds, yes totally understand if it's SN type thing, it's ok to exclude. I really hope the other two a
Have no SN. Dd has Asd, so this does touch a nerve.

gamerchick · 23/07/2015 13:57

Yep ^^

Meemoll · 23/07/2015 13:57

That is a sad state of affairs. Your kids are amazing, that is some wonderful strength they are showing there by rising above it. My son is 7, gets excluded, I get no shows for his party, it's far more painful than I thought it would ever be. I think it's because he is shy and quiet. On the plus side though, I've completely re-evaluated how I treat other people and especially other children. Chin up OP. You've done everything you can.

Purplepoodle · 23/07/2015 13:58

I would be sending email to school/pta asking why there are photos of a private party on the school website

gamerchick · 23/07/2015 13:59

I hope she read it as well. Still it's done now. Just concentrate on having a good school break.

mumofthemonsters808 · 23/07/2015 14:00

How awful, you will have the last laugh though, this Mother will not be able to select and control friendship groups for much longer. THis has been the last time she has stirred the cauldron.Secondary school is a whole new ball game, she will have very little involvement in friendship groups and will not be able to manipulate any social situation. For the child it brings about a new found independence and self belief, there are so many opportunities to meet new people and try new activities. Children make their own arrangements, travel to different areas and sometimes sleep over at friends houses you have never even met. They meet new members of their school year and change friendship groups as they progress up the school. This Mothers role will be redundant her child will decide who to socialise with.Bide your time, you will hear on the grapevine about her troubles, in the meantime have a fabulous holiday and try to forget about this horrible woman.

gamerchick · 23/07/2015 14:04

You know to the parents of SN kids.. Round here we have kids sessions in a couple of different places where the kids can go and let of steam and all are included... For the first time I can plan a birthday party within these sessions for my son and know that there will be a good attendance and lots of fun for the kids. It's worth finding out about if there are any running in your areas.

I feel a million more times comfortable there than in standard play sessions because there's no judgement and the kids all play well together. One little boy recently started attending ours and I've observed him come right out of his shell and blossom. Nobody plays with him at school.

Salmotrutta · 23/07/2015 14:07

I don't really know when leaving primary school turned into An Event Confused

There was an assembly and prize-giving when my two left P7 (equivalent of Y6in England?) and that was it. They skipped home, changed into civvies and ran off out to muck about with their mates!

No parties or whatnot.

That said, excluding 3 kids from a private party is rubbish and cruel.

And I don't think that Lappy was inferring that she thought it was ok the other two were excluded as well as her DC - I think she was inferring that she had figured out why.

She stated it was unfair on all 3 to be left out.

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