AIBU unreasonable to loathe this parent ?

[Lappy214]

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons

End of Y6 and emotions have been running high for kids and parents, lots of reminiscing, special tear-jerking assembly at school and a prom in the school hall etc. My dc is fairly sanguine about the whole moving on to secondary school thing as they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with.

Last day of term is an early finish and a group of Y6 parents have organised for them to head off to the nearest park to have ice cream and play football etc. I arrive at the park to pick dc up, end up hanging around whilst they get their bag/stuff and whilst chatting to a few parents I hear calls of "see you tonight" as other kids leave and also hear mention of "the REAL end of Y6 party" "it's gonna be great/so cool" etc. They seem way more excited about this than the Y6 prom which was considered by many to be a bit of a damp squib tbh. Parents are double checking who's getting/giving lifts to get there etc.
It dawns on me that one of the Y6's "birthday party" to which my dc did not expect to be invited (as they're not in the birthday child's main friendship group) is not a run of the mill birthday celebration after all. It turns out that my dc has worked this out too.

Just round the corner from the park pick-up I stop for petrol at the local service station and bump into another mum who I know well enough to ask about the party without any awkwardness. She told me that she specifically asked the hosting parent if everyone is going to this party and was blithely told all except A, B & C.

Don't flame me for lack of further information about B & C but it would be too identifying as to why they are not invited. They attended the prom but that was school run and staff were on hand.

A, as you've guessed by now, is my child. No-one's best mate friend but not a billy no-mates loner by a long run.

The parent has specifically excluded my dc who is acknowledged to be kind, well behaved, hard working etc etc just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year.

Now to the point - AIBU to object to the parent posting pictures on the PTA pages of the school website (the parent is on the PTA) alongside pictures of the prom with captions about tears shed etc etc. I so want to not show how much they hurt dc and by extension us as parents but to exclude 3 out of 29 is just mean and posting photo's of the event on a page that I and any of the excluded dc/their parents can see is at best thoughtless.

AIBU unreasonable to absolutely loathe her for what she has done to a child, my child, as far as making them feel utterly excluded at the start of the summer hols and upcoming transition to secondary school. Dc won't go to the park today to hang out for a while as they know classmates will be there talking about last night's party. It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family. I'm formulating a plan of lots of activities with friends and their children who don't go to dcs' school to create some happy memories to blot this out but I feel I have some work to do to build up dc's confidence again before secondary school starts in Sept.

AIBU to actually, deep down, think that parent is a simply not a nice person inside, however smiley/friendly and great they look on the outside ?

You DC are not going to the same secondary school as these other Y6 kids? if not then good, they will make proper friends with decent people and be able to leave all these insignificant people behind them.

What those parents did speaks volumes about them, not about your DC.

I don't think putting pictures of a private party on the school site is right.
But moaning to the other mums or the pta or school that your child was excluded makes you seem as petty as they were for not inviting them.

Agreed it read like OP was fine with B and C being excluded. And B and C probably have SN.

Hope not.

Anyway yes it's wrong to exclude only a few children
Of course.

Can I ask what I hope is not an offensive question to parents of children with SN? My children are of pre school age so it's not something I've considered yet but this thread made me think.

I would never exclude a child with SN, I have family members with SN who have experienced exclusion. If you child received an invite (obviously the severity is a factor here) would you accompany them to the party or just give the host advice on supporting your child in anyway they need?

I'd have absolutely no problem sending her a message with the intent of pissing all over the party and making it always leave a bad taste in her mouth every time she thought of it.

Without doubt I would not want her to look back and think "What fun that party was" I would want her to think "What a shame I was a total cunt, I should have done better"

On the two occasions my DD received a party invite in 2 years of mainstream nursery, we went with her. And would now but she is at special school and the kids there don't have parties.

I don't think putting pictures of a private party on the school site is right.
But moaning to the other mums or the pta or school that your child was excluded makes you seem as petty as they were for not inviting them.

Nonsense. There's nothing petty about pointing out that it's wrong to treat anyone in that way, especially a ten or eleven year old kid. And it's not just a complaint that the child was excluded, it's that the child was excluded in a way that seemed designed to be extremely hurtful. That's completely unacceptable, and it needs to be said.

It's worth noting that in the Staff Handbook at the place where I work, in the section entitled Bullying and Harassment, we are explicitly told that it is unacceptable to hold social events to which only a few members of the team are not invited. If it's unacceptable for grown ups, why on earth do we think it's OK to put children through it?

Glogirl, sadly people like that very rarely admit their wrong, even to themselves. She probably had it all perfectly justified in her mind.

As salmotrutta said, I don't think the op implied that excluding b and c was ok. Just that she could guess the reason for their exclusion, but not her dc exclusion.

I don't think the op has mentioned sn either.

The 'reason' for exclusion could be lots of things.

B and c have been thumping the party child (mum doesn't want bullies)
B and c are from a different ethnic background (mum is racist)
B and c have sn (mum is bigoted)

Plus loads of other 'reasons'.

Disclaimer: I don't agree with excluding a few kids from a class party. Just am sure the person doing the excluding had her 'reasons'. The op just thinks there are different 'reasons' for each child.

I also want to say that the op didn't sound like,she agreed with the reasons the other two weren't invited, just if she described them in any way they would be recognisable.

I also don't agree with excluding people.

Hmm, I'm not sure I think even horrible nasty people can still get something marred if you catch just the right tone. I am reminded of the time that I bared my soul to make someone feel bad, and just got laughed at - so I definitely wouldn't do that.

But I certainly would say a few barbed words to piss on the self-congratulations.

I haven't/wouldn't complain to other parents, the school or the PTA. I am concerned that A, B AND C were all deliberately not invited, to exclude just 3 ! What type of person thinks that is acceptable. I feel for all 3 of the excluded children.

I haven't jumped to the conclusion that other parents condone this. Unless they ask the specific question they wouldn't even know, I'm not exhibiting any knee-jerk jumping to conclusions.

I've asked whether I'm being unreasonable to be feeling such a strong loathing for the adult who orchestrated this snubbing of 3 children in Y6. I'm essentially a mild-mannered, slow to take offence type individual and the strength of my feeling of loathing towards them has shocked me a little.

I also asked AIBU about the PTA website photo's but they've been taken down without me taking any direct steps regarding them appearing there.

By the way, thanks for the responses, I feel a little less irrational reading that others would clearly be feeling a range of emotions but pretty much all amounting to the same thing.

Just want to say, if you are shocked at this, and if you have the time please do join the parent association at either primary or secondary school. I have when I've been able, and at times have been rather shocked at the attitudes expressed, and have felt like the lone voice of reason, sensitivity, or indeed logic in some of the debates. I really really do realise that not everyone has the time, but if you do, please consider being the other voice in the room.

And Lappy in answer to your AIBU, yes, if you are Francis of Assisi you are BU. For we lesser mortals it's probably still U but maybe unavoidable.

Some of the specimens I've come across in my time I still wouldn't piss on if they were on fire.

B and C "attended the school prom but there were staff on hand to assist" says to me SN or behavioural issues. Neither of which are excuses to exclude IMO.

This bit jumped out of one of your posts:

"Although our Y6 dc are going to different secondary schools we both have younger dc at the primary school"

Is your DC the only child going to a different 2ndary school? Perhaps it was a bonding event for the kids going to the same school?

Also inexcusable, but at least might suggest some kind of reasoning for the exclusion?

What happened to the days where you scrawled on your white shirt and threw flour at each other. This all sounds horrendous. Don't make a big deal of it though for your childs sake.

I agree with whoever told you to man-up a bit (in a nicer way than that!) too.

"It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family." Don't let it. They're not worth it. Model to your child that it doesn't matter. It really doesn't - who wants to hang out with bullies anyway?

YANBU, though, to find it mean.

It's very hard when you see your children hurt. If I think about the expression on my DD's face in the restaurant when she saw all her classmates there, without her, I would stil cry, many years later

I think anger is an understandable response. But I do think it's more productive to show positivity to your DC (which I am sure you are doing).

Agree too that secondary can be much better for friendships.

I remember your story Purple from another thread

Am I right in thinking that the "party mum" suggested you go elsewhere to another restaurant because it was "awkward" or some such??

Apologies if that wasn't you but in any event that must have been so horrible for your child.

Kevin - loving your user name btw !

No, there's a real mix of secondary schools the Y6's are going onto and between 3 and 5 kids going to each one.

I am not letting dc see my reaction to the yesterdays goings on. I'm calm on the surface but allowing dc to talk about it if they want to whilst being positive by trying to distract/planning activities etc. Dc didn't want to "hang out with bullies" they didn't consider that there were any , they just wanted to be there last night with their class mates having fun, eating party food, posing for photo's etc. etc. If we had been going on holiday early and missed the last day of term or dc had been ill and missed it, would not have been a problem.

It's the deliberate exclusion, for some reason, that will take time to fade as a memory. I'm not one to dwell on stuff too long but sad experiences in life can be damaging if not acknowledged before moving past them.