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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU unreasonable to loathe this parent ?

174 replies

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 11:27

Have name changed for this for obvious reasons

End of Y6 and emotions have been running high for kids and parents, lots of reminiscing, special tear-jerking assembly at school and a prom in the school hall etc. My dc is fairly sanguine about the whole moving on to secondary school thing as they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with.

Last day of term is an early finish and a group of Y6 parents have organised for them to head off to the nearest park to have ice cream and play football etc. I arrive at the park to pick dc up, end up hanging around whilst they get their bag/stuff and whilst chatting to a few parents I hear calls of "see you tonight" as other kids leave and also hear mention of "the REAL end of Y6 party" "it's gonna be great/so cool" etc. They seem way more excited about this than the Y6 prom which was considered by many to be a bit of a damp squib tbh. Parents are double checking who's getting/giving lifts to get there etc.
It dawns on me that one of the Y6's "birthday party" to which my dc did not expect to be invited (as they're not in the birthday child's main friendship group) is not a run of the mill birthday celebration after all. It turns out that my dc has worked this out too.

Just round the corner from the park pick-up I stop for petrol at the local service station and bump into another mum who I know well enough to ask about the party without any awkwardness. She told me that she specifically asked the hosting parent if everyone is going to this party and was blithely told all except A, B & C.

Don't flame me for lack of further information about B & C but it would be too identifying as to why they are not invited. They attended the prom but that was school run and staff were on hand.

A, as you've guessed by now, is my child. No-one's best mate friend but not a billy no-mates loner by a long run.

The parent has specifically excluded my dc who is acknowledged to be kind, well behaved, hard working etc etc just not cool or obsessed with the opposite sex like a lot of the kids in Y6 currently seemed to be this year.

Now to the point - AIBU to object to the parent posting pictures on the PTA pages of the school website (the parent is on the PTA) alongside pictures of the prom with captions about tears shed etc etc. I so want to not show how much they hurt dc and by extension us as parents but to exclude 3 out of 29 is just mean and posting photo's of the event on a page that I and any of the excluded dc/their parents can see is at best thoughtless.

AIBU unreasonable to absolutely loathe her for what she has done to a child, my child, as far as making them feel utterly excluded at the start of the summer hols and upcoming transition to secondary school. Dc won't go to the park today to hang out for a while as they know classmates will be there talking about last night's party. It's put such a cloud over the beginning of the summer hols for us as a family. I'm formulating a plan of lots of activities with friends and their children who don't go to dcs' school to create some happy memories to blot this out but I feel I have some work to do to build up dc's confidence again before secondary school starts in Sept.

AIBU to actually, deep down, think that parent is a simply not a nice person inside, however smiley/friendly and great they look on the outside ?

OP posts:
KevinKnowsImMiserableNow · 23/07/2015 15:32

I totally get you, lappy, totally understand how crap it is. They aren't worth it, though. His other friends should have stood up for him too - they must have known he wasn't invited.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 23/07/2015 15:34

That wasn't me, salmo, how bad for whoever it was though :(

The parents in my case did look awfully embarrassed and didn't make eye contact. One of the worst things for me was that they had actually been at DDs birthday party the previous month, so obviously it was OK to attend her party, but she wasn't good enough to be invited to theirs. DD didn't have any issues such as violence, it was just purely communication. (And even if there was an issue we would have attended or worked around it, but her feelings, and ours, still would have been hurt the same way)

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 15:36

Purple - how awful for your dd. Flowers.

As parents we have to plaster on a smile and soldier on (or "man up" as some have put it) for the benefit of our own children but it doesn't stop us feeling resentful that some adults get away with such shitty behaviour and are no doubt passing on to their own children the message that it's OK to act in such a selfish/thoughtless manner.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2015 15:42

Just awful awful awful behaviour. DD in year 5 has 12 girls in her class she was on about having a largish party and I've been clear that she either invites all the girls in her class or about half.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 23/07/2015 15:45

Lappy hopefully this will cheer you up - the DD that was snubbed is currently lying down next to me (with blue hair!) snapchatting her friends and arranging all their holiday activities Grin Secondary was like a different world for her and she has a small group of good friends who look after her (not quite the right expression, it's more they are protective of her feelings).

Goshthatsspicy · 23/07/2015 15:47

When we still lived in the US. My son was the only one not invited to a party. At the end of the day, all the children going were told to line up on one side. My son stood alone. Party mum picked them all up from the classroom... This was pure spite, as party mum didn't like me.
I felt sorry for her in the end. This was a woman who couldn't leave the teachers to do their jobs, she had to sit in the classroom with her son every morning!
No additional classroom needs. Just a very controlling individual.
Anyway, l know how it feels.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2015 15:49

Late to this but just wanted to say

  1. That is absolutely vile behaviour on the part of the parents,
  2. I'm kind of shocked that the other parent/s didn't pull up host parent when it became clear excluding some kids regardless of whether they have behavioural issues or not.
  3. The school should definitely not allow a private party to be shown on their website/twitter/facebook like its some official school thing
  4. YANBU, loathe her. I usually think rise above this kind of stuff/be the better person but I would be tempted to dis her mightily/complain re PTA position misuse. Just out of spite. Because it would be worth it.
RedCurlyTots · 23/07/2015 16:00

This happened to my dd last year when she was leaving year 6. Big party organised by some of the mums including 2 big limos to pick all the kids up after their early finish on the last day. I knew nothing about it, absolutely nothing until one of the (few) parents I'm friendly with asked me if I'd paid my deposit for the limo yet. Turned out my dd was the ONLY child in a class of 30 not to be invited. AngrySad

It was the icing on the cake TBH as she'd been excluded from mostly everything since they went into the juniors. DD is autistic and a lot different from the rest of the class, she's not interested in boys or One Direction or Justin Bieber. DD was upset but I made sure went out on the evening of the party and did something nice. Fast forward a year and she's just finished year 7 in her new school and she's the happiest she's ever been! Has lots of friends, is included in everything and has settled in really well.

Honestly OP fuck them, fuck the parent who excluded your child and anyone else. I feel like I've had the last laugh as dd is so happy in her new school now she doesn't even remember half the kids from her old school's names now. Encourage your DS to go to the park, let him talk about all the great things he'll be doing this summer while the other kids go on about the party. let him show them that he isn't bothered (even if on the inside he is).

Flowers
youarekiddingme · 23/07/2015 16:03

MrsCs I'll answer your question re my circumstances. My DS (10yo with HFa) hasn't been invited to a birthday for years. Afaik there haven't been any whole class ones. He is very socially immature and isolated and only really started joining in playing this past year. So impound he's very far top of anyone's small party list. My friends DD invited him to her party a few weeks ago. As its my best friend even though she knows him I suggested to her I stayed and helped her with the bunch of 10/11 year olds but that I stayed primarily to support him.
He did go to a few 6/7 yo parties without me but he often ended up in tears compared to the children who had grown out of this. This is when the invites stopped - however I'd always be willing to stay and help patent in general to keep an eye on DS.

Tizwailor · 23/07/2015 16:12

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itsmine · 23/07/2015 16:19

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Tizwailor · 23/07/2015 16:22

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x2boys · 23/07/2015 16:23

this unfortunatley has always hppened when i was in junior 4 [showing my age} a girl had a party and invited everyone but two girls who were quiet hardworking and not popular i wasent popular either but was invited as i wasnt quite as unpopular as the two left out girls i rememeber thinking at that age just how mean it was.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 16:38

red tgat is absolutely disgusting of that parent, their child will grow up with the same shitty attitude. I am so happy for your dd, reading all this makes me happy dd is in a SS. I do want her to be able to cope with the outside world once she leaves.

LokiBear · 23/07/2015 18:00

I really do not understand how people can do this to children. YANBU.

bumbleymummy · 23/07/2015 18:07

Red that is so horrible!

I am so Angry that there are so many parents out there like that. What are they teaching their children?

I'm pleased things are working out for your Dd now. Thanks

scarlets · 23/07/2015 19:09

It's been such a sad thread. How on earth can the chief-bully live with herself, and why did a number of the other parents acquiesce? I'm prepared to accept that some of them would have genuinely been oblivious, especially those not involved with the PTA and/or those who don't pick up regularly at home time so don't hear the tittle-tattle, but the mum who told the OP the truth clearly wasn't ignorant of the nasty little plan! Shame on her.

Onedayinthesun · 23/07/2015 19:25

Yes Red Fuck them, OP the parents that did this should be ashamed. Fuck the lot of them. Makes me livid that children are excluded by adults that should know better ????

Lappy214 · 23/07/2015 19:55

Red That is bloody awful, how can those mums stroll about feeling good about themselves when they've orchestrated such a vile thing.

It shows them up as such immature individuals if they can't simply imagine what it would be like being the one excluded. It's such primitive bullying behaviour really isn't it...."Red's dd is different, she's can't possibly be with the rest of the kids"

Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers

OP posts:
Mintyy · 23/07/2015 20:06

This is one of the sort of things which makes me so glad my children went to a 3 form entry primary school.

Pixel · 23/07/2015 23:03

Agreed it read like OP was fine with B and C being excluded. And B and C probably have SN.

I didn't read it like that at all. I just read it that OP had guessed the probable reason for B & C's exclusion, but to say what that reason was might identify them, and she didn't think it was her place to do that. I don't think that many of us would like our children's identity 'outed' on someone else's thread without being asked would we?

Whoever said that kids at SN school don't have parties is right. Ds is 15 and has just received his first party invitation. Bloomin' typical that it's during the week we've booked our holiday!

Zillie77 · 23/07/2015 23:10

Not cool at all! What a jerk! If I were you I would have to give her a generous piece of my mind. I would be ripshit over this.

I made my closest friendships in high school (age 13-17), so I am sure good times are ahead for your dc.

paulapompom · 24/07/2015 00:16

OP your poor dc. And b and c. Hate this type of thing. The parents who do this are pathetic imo. And then to post pics of a private party on a school page... but good advice has been given on here, and you will support dc through this, don't let it spoil the holiday. I hope b and c are ok too.

paulapompom · 24/07/2015 00:20

Also really want to call the parent who arranged this/posted pics a cunt. But I won't. Grin

retrorobot · 24/07/2015 00:45

OP, you're not going to like what I have to say but here goes:

Every time I look at this site I see several threads like yours. However, parents can do a lot to avoid their primary school age children being excluded and marginalised by getting to know other parents well, being involved in school activities, etc.

You say the following: "they have no really close best friend, although no-one has a bad word to say about them and they get invited to parties sometimes as they are sort of on the edge of various friendship groups but not near the centre of any. We've never done a whole class party, just about 10 kids that dc gets on with."

Did you invite the child whose parent is organising the party? No? Then I don't feel that you can legitimately complain about your child not being invited. Perhaps you will find that the child having the party invited everyone who had invited him to theirs.

I say this as someone who was bullied quite badly during the last three years of primary school. This was partly because I was a high achiever at a mid-to-low achieving school and there was quite a bit of jealously from the parents of other children. I know that they said things about me to their children which the children then said to me. I was also rubbish at games. Once the bullying started I lost confidence in myself and that in turn made it worse.

I don't blame my parents for what happened - they were sympathetic but they treated it as my issue to deal with. It didn't help that my parents were relative social recluses - from big families so socialised largely with their families and didn't get to know other parents in any sort of social way.

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