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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel fed up ?

63 replies

Lolliew · 22/07/2015 23:17

Asked DH to do something nice for me tonight and give him the idea by text to say run me a warm bath, candles and top my wine glass up regularly, to also wash my hair and be 'hands on'.

He got a text after he had run bath and lit candles that said one of his friends had been diagnosed with cancer (46 years old). I told him to go and ring him and speak to him. He did for 45 minutes.

We are working on our marriage after DH's affair and I truly thought that he wouldn't be as long on phone and come back to me. I know I sound selfish and needy and should just suck it up but I wanted half an hour of 'us' tonight.

OP posts:

Smoorikins · 22/07/2015 23:24

Yabu in the circumstances. Sorry.

DoJo · 22/07/2015 23:27

YANBU to feel fed up that circumstances conspired to mean that you didn't get the chance to spend the evening together, but YABU if you are fed up with him for speaking to his friend for 45 minutes (I can easily do longer than that with a friend who isn't ill) and not feeling in the mood for 'hands on' action with you afterwards.

PikaWho · 22/07/2015 23:30

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to feel fed up and want some time just for you two, but there was a good enough reason for DH to get distracted. Can you maybe arrange another night and suggest that phones are left in another room or switched off for an hour?

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2015 23:33

I'm sorry to hear he had an affair OP.

But tbh, I think working on a marriage is more than one person spoiling the other because they've been asked to. It sort of puts me in mind of someone jumping through hoops, in order to make amends ( though I appreciate this may not really be the case).

A marriage is about 2 people working together, and if one of them receives the awful news that a 46yr old friend has just been diagnosed with cancer, then it's all hands on deck I'm afraid, to help them through it.

I'm sure the chance will arise again but for now, if you're both serious about working on your marriage, half an hour of 'us' will mean being there for one another when the bad news sinks in, rather than baths/candles etc.

LilyMayViolet · 23/07/2015 00:04

The thing is I wouldn't have a lot of respect for my partner if she were to brush off a friend in dire need because she was giving me a romantic bath.

I know you've been through a lot yourself and that must be very hard but I think when someone calls with news like that any reaction other than absolute sympathy and understanding is pretty unreasonable.

kilmuir · 23/07/2015 00:07

blimey.

Raasay · 23/07/2015 00:07

If it had been your friend who had texted with that news Lollie would you still have had the bath and the 'us time'?

swift13 · 23/07/2015 00:13

Wow. I'd definitely say you're being unreasonable. 45 minutes is nothing, his friend just found out they had cancer.

If you just found out you had cancer and you needed to talk would you be happy if your friend said "yeah we can talk another day I'm meant to be giving my other half a bath" you'd be pretty peed off

Morganly · 23/07/2015 00:29

Is all that bath & candles malarkey really the way to make up for an affair? Isn't it like sprinkling glitter on shit and pretending it's lovely? Have you had some counselling? At least read this: Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

BackforGood · 23/07/2015 00:30

Of course YABU.
Could you really respect and love someone who couldn't give a friend 45mons of their time when that friend was in such a bad place ?

Not what you were asking, but I also agree with Worra about giving someone instructions on how to be 'nice' and them jumping through hoops to 'please you'.

AlpacaMyBags · 23/07/2015 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Spartans · 23/07/2015 06:23

Yabu and you know you are.

Tbh i don't get how him walking your hair and topping your wine glass up, because you asked him to, is really going to help. However you obviously think it will.

Look at it this way, he ran you a bath and lit some candles. He did something. But right there and then he needed to talk to his friend. What your dh did was shit, but if you have decided to move past it you both need to be there for each other. He may need you a little bit right now.

Happyringo · 23/07/2015 06:50

Him having an affair was shitty, no question. (I agree with PP hat stuff like a running you bath is just shining shit but that's your business)

But you are being spectacularly unreasonable about this. What should he have said to his friend? "Sorry about the cancer and all that mate, but I've got to go and wash my wife's hair"?

cailindana · 23/07/2015 06:51

So he shagged someone else but it's your job to give him step by step instructions on how to 'make it up' to you? I'm guessing that I you don't give instructions he does nothing?

The friend thing is irrelevant - it is normal to be concerned for an ill friend and 45 mins isn't long.

The problem is that you're trying to pretend your DH is truly sorry for his affair by setting him hoops to jump through. That is not going to work.

CuttedUpPear · 23/07/2015 07:31

He washes your hair?
How old are you? Five?

MidniteScribbler · 23/07/2015 08:34

Giving someone instructions on how to wait on them hand and foot doesn't seem like anyway of addressing issues in your marriage. Things like running you a bath, topping up wine glass, etc are all things that should spontaneously happen. Not a to do list that you send via text.

And aside from all that, anyone who thinks their right to have their wine glass topped up trumps the rights of someone to talk to their friends after a cancer diagnosis is a fucking bitch.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/07/2015 08:38

So his mate getting cancer ruined your evening? Poor you.

AuntyMag10 · 23/07/2015 08:39

Yabu, the friends situation comes first. Sounds like you have no clue how to repair the marriage if you think a bath and hair wash is the road to working it out.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/07/2015 08:43

You are being so unreasonable.

So your dh should have said "sorry mate to hear your devastating news, but dw wants me to wash her hair, so I need to stop you right there. See you around"

pilates · 23/07/2015 08:46

YABVU
Why don't you try marriage guidance as what you have listed isn't going to make the slightest difference to rebuilding your marriage.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/07/2015 08:50

Oh dear OP, you're going to get a right pasteing .

As others have said , him topping up your wine glass and being hands on for one night isn't going to fix deeper problems within your marriage.

You are sulking about not being more important to him, in the circumstances your dh did the right thing.

Twinkie1 · 23/07/2015 08:57

I'd respect my DH more for giving his time to a friend diagnosed with cancer over me, affair or no affair.

I am utterly shocked that you could even post this.

Your relationship could be over as your worst case scenario, their life could be over as theirs.

FarFromAnyRoad · 23/07/2015 09:01

Another one shocked that you would embarrass yourself by posting this whiny shite. Really you need to have a word with yourself.
And everything everyone else said about turds and glitter x 1000.

miffytherabbit3 · 23/07/2015 09:26

nmg85 · 23/07/2015 09:49

YABU - Stop being so selfish and childish. As others have stated that won't help your marriage and his friend is more important then giving you a bath.

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