To feel fed up ?

[Lolliew]

Asked DH to do something nice for me tonight and give him the idea by text to say run me a warm bath, candles and top my wine glass up regularly, to also wash my hair and be 'hands on'.

He got a text after he had run bath and lit candles that said one of his friends had been diagnosed with cancer (46 years old). I told him to go and ring him and speak to him. He did for 45 minutes.

We are working on our marriage after DH's affair and I truly thought that he wouldn't be as long on phone and come back to me. I know I sound selfish and needy and should just suck it up but I wanted half an hour of 'us' tonight.

Morning everyone and thanks for the pasting.

I didn't expect anyone to think I was BU - even I knew I was, I think that I was just disappointed that life got in the way of a (small) plan that I had asked for. FWIW my DH is depressed, ashamed of himself and totally devasted by what he has done to our marriage (to the point of considering ending his life). He asked me to think of something nice he could do for me to help him see that he wasn't a total loser and I suggested last night, he cannot see a way forward and thought that we would all be better off without him. We are undergoing councilling, talking to each other and trying to make amends. We know it won't be easy.

In response to a few points:

Normally I bathe alone so inviting him to share the bathroom was a big step for me

Washing my hair, I enjoy his closeness not that I need help washing my hair.

I knew IWBU I was just really fed up - feel free to flame me again

Yabu and incredibly selfish given the circumstances of the phone call.

Your husband I'm sure was incredibly selfish when he was enjoying baths and sex behind your back with ow.

Hope his friend is going to be ok.

Wash your own hair and try to think of some activities that will be enjoyable for both of you rather than issuing a list of tasks as if he is your slave.

But maybe give some time to be sympathetic about his friend first, hey?

I hope things work out for your DH's friend poor thing and I hope they work out for you.

How long have you been going to counselling?

Presumably you'll be exploring this in your next session?

Don't get me wrong I am devastated about our friend too, I think that life is very unfair for him to be facing this at such a young age (prognosis is 13% survival rate at 1 year) and will do whatever is needed to support him and his family whilst they go through this.

FWIW I didn't sit in the bath being a spoilt bitch drinking wine, I was making tentative plans for childcare so that we could go across to friends house if he wanted to.

I can understand why you are disappointed that your evening didn't go as planned especially given your DH's affair but there will be other nights. Even in your update you say you're disappointed that 'life' got in the way of your plans - life getting in the way is your DH needing to stay late at work, or the kids not going to bed, it's not a 46 year old being diagnosed with cancer with a 13% prognosis. That's not 'life' that's devastating life changing news for all involved including you and your DH (which I am sure you know and I see you say that you will support the friend as much as you can).

It is very worrying that when faced with such horrible news that the thought of the impact on your evening even crossed your mind. In all honesty if your relationship is so fragile that your DH spending 45 mins on the phone in the circumstances causes you to feel so fed up, then you really need to consider whether this relationship is one worth saving. I know he has a lot of making up to do for his previous bad behaviour but it isn't reasonable to expect him to always be able to put you first and this circumstance is one of them.

I am very sorry about your friend's prognosis and wish them well. I also hope you and your DH can find a way to work on your relationship.

OP knew she was being U. Not fair to keep kicking her.

In her defence, when you are in the immediate painful aftermath of an affair, it is normal to turn inward and only be able to focus on your own problems - I think the mind can only deal with so much stress and trauma at one time.

She's not being an uncaring bitch.

During a recent councilling session, I was advised that we really should put each other first if we want this to work and not let other things be a distraction to that, kids, work, uni, exercise, parents etc. the half hour us time was an attempt to find time to put us first.

I know my interpretation of 'life' isn't the same as everyone else's but with 2SN kids, being late home from work or them not getting into bed on time is normal, 'life' getting in the way is regular trips to the hospital for over night stays, a&e visits (almost monthly at one point), calls from Dad (a functioning alcoholic) to sort out his problems, being on hand for very elderly grandparents (both passed away this spring) to assist them in cases of falls/food/TV not working etc. a night at home uninterrupted is very rare.

So as bad as it seems, getting a call from a friend with devastating news is life for me, he isn't the first friend with cancer this year (4 of them now).

Reading that back makes me seem quite callous and uncaring - I'm not I'm totally the opposite normally - I am just being selfish in wanting to not say goodbye to my marriage (25 years) and doing everything that I can to aid its survival

I think I'd be revisiting that "advice" from your counselling sessions. What kind of counselling are you accessing? Is your counsellor qualified and specifically trained in couples work?

Him washing your hair isn't putting you as a couple first, though, it's putting YOU first, instructing servitude doesn't seem to be a healthy way of repairing broken trust to me at all.

Moaning because he gave priority to a friend with what is pretty much a terminal diagnosis is just ugly behaviour. He might have fucked up with the affair but it sounds like he's a basically decent bloke, which should give you more hope for your marriage than his willingness to bathe you like the queen of fucking Sheba.

He had the affair but now he's depressed and threatening suicide. Clever tactic to put himself at the centre of concern.

I wonder whether you might benefit from some counselling just for you because I think you are being stitched up by your H and now have a lot more sympathy for your feelings last night.

As others have said , perhaps find a different counsellor. IMHO I don't think that either of you slaving for the other is any way to build back trust, confidence and respect. YABU about him speaking to his friend, I have cancer and its pretty fucking bleak at times, so whilst you may have four other friends this year, his friend needs your DH. Yes, uninterrupted life is rare, you aren't alone in that, it doesn't make it any easier but sometimes you have to just forget on. for being in a crap situation though.

Okay, so she's a bit confused at to what putting each other first might actually mean. Doesn't seem to me like she's expecting servitude - more that she wants physical demonstration that he cares for her.

Some of you are determined to put the boot in. Did you not read the oart about her having kids with SN, an alcoholic dad and recently passed away gps who sounded pretty dependent on her? Add to the mix a husband who has cheated and I'm not surprised she hasnt got the mental energy to deal with any more.

Stop being so spiteful.

*forge on, that should be.

Having shit going on in your own life doesn't mean you can't have compassion for others. I've got a kid with SN, a pretty demanding dad to care for, lost my mum last year and have loads of other stress going on, including two bereavements this week, but I don't think it gives me the right to be a heartless self absorbed princess, and I've managed to wash my own hair.

You seem to lack compassion for the OP though.

She's sorry about her dh's friend. Not wrong though, to feel sad that once again her own life is bottom of the pile of priorities.

He wasn't slaving for me - he asked how he could treat me to something nice - I sent a text with lots of things in it for him to pick one it wasn't a YOU MUST DO THIS text. None of them cost any money, it was just time to spend with each other, and yes it was so that he could physically touch me with out any expectations on either part. I understand his depression is debilitating to him, I totally understand his need for hand holding out of the situation he has made for himself BUT we are working on this. He is not a total bastard and whilst he did make the decision to cheat, he was led by the OW (I saw it happening in front of me and whilst hindsight is amazing it didn't help at the time I just thought they were friends and that he was stronger than that).

I am emotionally exhausted by all the recent events this year, but I didn't ask AIBU for being fed up of him spending the time on the phone with his mate, I asked AIBU for being fed up that 'something' happened again to prevent us having time together (or at least I meant to - not sure now of my wording).

Thanks for the support/kicking/flaming it is all creating a balanced view.

It's possibly my lack of comprehension as to why a grown woman so desperately needs her hair washed for her. Nonetheless, she got her bath and candles and presumably some wine, before her DH quite rightly prioritised a friend with devastating, life changing news, for 45 whole minutes.

I don't really equate that with her life being 'bottom of the pile'. She may well be working on her marriages, but marriages function in the real world, where stuff like this happens and there's an onus on us to behave like decent, compassionate human beings. Affair notwithstanding, this is what her husband did. I applaud him.

Like many people, and the OP, I know more than one friend/family member who has received a cancer diagnosis this year. Each one is devastating. There is not, in my mind, a numbing that comes from hearing people's life's are entering a very painful and challenging period, or even coming to a premature end.

I think the OPs lack of empathy is pretty startling. Having marital problems isn't an excuse for considering other people's misfortune a personal inconvenience.

He had the affair but now he's depressed and threatening suicide. Clever tactic to put himself at the centre of concern.

This is easily the most callous and horrible message I've read on here. What on earth are you thinking?

I got a five minute dip in the bath, yes I had candles (already lit) no wine and I did manage to wash my own hair.

Yes I agree marriages survive in the real world, and ours will just pootle along with nothing changing/ being fixed if we don't try to find a way to spend time together. I truly hope that you never have to deal with your DP having an affair and the aftermath it causes.

He has always been effected with depression, with some years being better than others and he has been off the anti d's for a good few years now, last year he lost a lot of weight (6.5 stones) changed his lifestyle (yeah I know classic mid life) and his depression started again before he told me about the OW. He is now back on anti d's individual and couple councilling. He told me about the suicidal thoughts (no actions) a few months ago.

I told him to ring his mate as he didn't know what to stay to him and I told him to ring and just say that and see how the conversation went. I have lots of sympathy with his friend and family and I know I was BU in being fed up.

Look OP if you really want compassion and advice (and it does sound like you could do with some) write a new, fuller post in Relationships. Don't post in AIBU with an opening post like that and expect anything other than what happened here.

Asked DH to do something nice for me tonight and give him the idea by text to say run me a warm bath, candles and top my wine glass up regularly, to also wash my hair and be 'hands on'.

How's it a nice thing to do if he is issued with a list of instructions to follow?! It's just following orders. And who asks their husband to wash their hair for them?!