To feel fed up ?

[Lolliew]

Asked DH to do something nice for me tonight and give him the idea by text to say run me a warm bath, candles and top my wine glass up regularly, to also wash my hair and be 'hands on'.

He got a text after he had run bath and lit candles that said one of his friends had been diagnosed with cancer (46 years old). I told him to go and ring him and speak to him. He did for 45 minutes.

We are working on our marriage after DH's affair and I truly thought that he wouldn't be as long on phone and come back to me. I know I sound selfish and needy and should just suck it up but I wanted half an hour of 'us' tonight.

To those thinking I have no empathy for his friend - I do, I have lots, I have pledged to help out, cook, bake, babysit, hand hold at 3am if needed and whatever else is needed for their family (immediate and extended).

Mums net knows more about my marital problems than anyone in RL (apart from DH) as we have kept this quiet in order to protect the children, they just think I am sad about my grandparents.

I am not using my marital problems as an excuse to be unsympathetic and i certainly don't think that they are a reason for thinking that it is a personal inconvenience

Sorry, didn't mean to offend with the comment about depression and suicide threats. What I was trying to say (ineptly and insensitively) was that as the focus is now on him, his feelings and his mental health, it denies the OP the opportunity to express the anger and hurt she will be feeling about the affair. Hence, it comes out over issues such as that being discussed rather than actually being directed at him and his betrayal. Which is why I think some individual rather than relationship counselling would be helpful.

OP, as I said before, you are not the only one with a tough lot in life, so the comments about hoping others peoples DH's don't have affairs, or that an uninterrupted evening isn't normal come across as snippy. You are in a pants situation, but so are many others. There are very few people for whom life is sunshine and roses.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel fed up about finding yourself in the middle of competing, very serious, challenges. Of course you need to spend time together working on your marriage, in whatever way works for you as a couple, and of course you both need to offer your support to your friend at a terribly difficult time. Understandably, it's frustrating when the time you'd set aside for one had to be interrupted for the other.

Can you organise some couple time in which you simply can't be interrupted by life? An hour's walk in the park, holding hands, leaving the mobile phones at home? I know it's hard to manage when you have SN kids... But I do agree that it's important to make sure you prioritise your relationship regularly.

I have never said that other people's lives aren't difficult I know that they are, I listen/ed to them constantly before my DS1 went in a w/chair and then suddenly I needed a friend and where did they all piss off disappear too? Oh yeah that's right, commenting that they didn't want to ever see their kids in my DS's wheelchair (understandable) but that it was life ending to be in one, and then I overheard them saying that it had been really hard to socialise with us because of the w\chair - guess how that friendship died? Oh yeah my fault for not chasing them to go out - funnily enough same mate that needed a friend last night AND I told my DH to ring him and be a friend.

I understand that you don't all know this background info etc.

and as for a post/reply being snippy - take a look at what's been writen by other posters regarding myself over the last few hours.

I foolishly thought that I would be offered a spot of sympathy for the one chance of us time/DH doing something nice for me (HIS REQUEST) was thwarted by something.

I know I am depressed, down, have no RL friends to discuss this with and no other support (only RL friend has listened and hasn't offered any real support apart from a weekly walk to listen and her DH is a friend of my DH).

Op...maybe you should schedule a night together and ban all email, phone devices?

It certainly sounds as though you could benefit from individual counselling.
Is your counsellor experienced and specifically trained in couples work? How were you referred? How can you be assured of your counsellor's competence?

You could have has a longer relaxing bath. A quick dip was your choice.

The advice about not letting life get in way, is bullshit in my opinion. It's almost impossible to do that. Especially all the time.

When you have to tell your dh what nice things he should do for you, it looses something. Of he wants to do something nice for you, to make you feel good. It needs to come from him

He did as you asked.you are being a by ungrateful. What would you have done in his shoes?

Okay, I'm assuming that what you've been through is messing with your head to the point that you have lost perspective on everything. Even with the dripfeed updated info, you are still being completely unreasonable to think your DH should have prioritised washing your head over speaking to his friend.

Also, blaming the OW for the affair won't help you heal your marriage either.

I also agree with both of Morganly's posts.

I truly thought your OP was a wind-up, that's how ridiculous it is.

I agree that you could benefit from some individual help. The relationships board might be a good place to start.

Ordinarily if a husband cheats, the wife can go ballistic, but you cant even do that because he is depressed. Even though the depression is genuine, the end result is still that he utterly betrayed you and instead of being able to let rip, it's still all about supporting him! No one is supporting you and you need to get that from somewhere.

While it is true that some wonen deliberately persue married men, the decision to cheat was solely his. You are allowed to be angry and to want proof he puts you first. I think you do need to read the Shirley Glass book. It is a proper eye opener.