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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally selfish for a moment and complain about how exhausting and sad it is to live with someone suffering with depression.

101 replies

Bumpandkind · 20/07/2015 23:19

I know it's wrong to say this as I'm in good mental health, but the sheer weight of it drags me down. The excess need for sleep, the lack of enthusiasm the dragging monotony that is living with a depressed partner. How do people in similar situations cope?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 20/07/2015 23:22

I have had depression and I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in your shoes. Is your partner accessing help?

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 20/07/2015 23:25

I suffer with MH problems and I am very glad I have a lovely supportive husband.

I do worry about him and how he does it when I'm on my bad days.

I wish there was some support for him.

coolaschmoola · 20/07/2015 23:26

I completely agree and understand. DH has ptsd and severe depression. I really do feel for him but at the same time it really does drag me down. I deal with it with difficulty, mainly by making sure I have a life and regular time with friends.

TheCatsFlaps · 20/07/2015 23:26

YANBU. I too have mental illness and feel sorry for those around me. I've never experienced the reverse and the thought horrifies me.

Original poster
Bumpandkind · 20/07/2015 23:26

No, sadly he refuses to. He was on the brink of accessing help for?SADS but nothing ever came if it. I still don't know if he believes he is suffering from depression at all.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 20/07/2015 23:28

Yanbu, my DH has bouts of depression and it's utterly exhausting, I feel for you

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2015 23:28

I had this with my ex husband. I had to tell him in the end that if he didn't go to the doctor, I would have to leave him. He went, got help and it made an incredible difference.

Nyancat · 20/07/2015 23:29

Totally agree df suffered badly while I was growing up and it is awful for those suffering and awful for their loved ones who suffer alongside them.

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2015 23:30

Oh that sounds so tough. Are there any support groups where you are? Can you get any time away or to spend on your hobbies?
My DH is lovely but I think long term he would have struggled to cope if I hadn't accessed meds and counselling to help.
Could you talk to your partner about trying to improve things? (Trust me I know that can feel like trying to climb a never ending mountain!) Any services you could access together?

Effic · 20/07/2015 23:30

You are absolutely allowed to say it. depression is a terrible awful illness that effects those who love and care for the affected person as much and sometimes more than the person who is suffering from the illness. Recognising that does NOT make you an awful person. You need help, just as much as the person suffering from depression needs help. You need to access support groups for you (GP is a good starting point), you need respite and ultimately you need to realise that if you can manage living with and supporting a loved on through what can be 'chronic' illness, you can leave and support from a distance without being an awful person.
So sorry you are in this position x

Original poster
Bumpandkind · 20/07/2015 23:30

What helped IMPERIAL? He is on the stoic Irish stock and refuses therapy.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 20/07/2015 23:34

He was put on Prozac and it made an immediate difference to the extent that if he stopped taking it for a couple of days, I could tell. He didn't like taking anything (his mum had a problem with depression and he really didn't want to be like her) so after a couple of months he'd feel fine, wouldn't renew his prescription and then crash.

I don't know what he's on now (he's history to me!) but I know he's had CBT, nearly a year off work with depression and so on. I think he's still on Prozac, which is surely old fashioned now? I know he's on summat, anyway, but luckily (not for these reasons) he's not my problem now!

Wolfiefan · 20/07/2015 23:38

Ah the stoic Irish! I know one of them. Make it about the impact it has on you? It's not fair on you.
I was on meds and did CBT (not saying it's a magic cure for everyone). It's not the sort of thing where you lie on a couch and share your woes or childhood trauma. (That sounds rude to anyone who needs help unpicking their past. Sorry. It isn't meant to.) it's about practical ways to manage depression and start to work your way to the light.
I just can't do words tonight. Sorry!

Original poster
Bumpandkind · 20/07/2015 23:40

Ta Wolfie!

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 20/07/2015 23:43

My DFil is depressed. He has psychotic delusions, he won't drive, he is utterly paranoid and has us all running round after him like blue arsed flies. He is also your classic narcissist and has been all his life. Whilst we don't live with him we find his demands and paranoia and utter self absorption really draining. Dh and DBil don't enjoy spending time with him anymore because they get so frustrated with him and he doesn't give an inch. I sympathise. We all feel like you do. I worry about my dh becoming stressed by it all.

MistressChalk · 20/07/2015 23:46

That sounds awful I'm so sorry xx I have bad MH problems and when they flare up, well I don't quite know how my partner and friends deal with it so well. I honestly don't think I could. But speaking as someone with MH problems it is really fucking unfair of him not to get help. However hard that is for him to do, it's hard for you to have to live with it and deal with it. Thank you for being the sort of person that cares enough to try and help, as tough as it is we all need people like you who care enough to stick around and take our troubles. But he can only help himself, as shit as that is there's nothing you can do to fix or cure him, he has to get help himself for anything to work. It's a very strong and selfless thing to cope with somebody that's mentally ill and wanting to lash out and feel angry is perfectly understandable, there's a limit to how much you can take and maybe you need to explain that very calmly to him?

Iamalltheyhavenow · 20/07/2015 23:53

No YANBU, have thought many times of starting a similar thread. My son (now 25) has suffered from clinical depression and anxiety since his second year at Uni. I have supported him through it, and he was very fortunate to have incredible support from his Uni, where he ended up with a First, having been on Citalopram (still is,now 40mg daily) and some very expensive privately arranged CBT.
BUT...some days I find the negativity, the wish to not be alive, the expressions that his life is over so very very hard to deal with. I waver, on a daily basis, between incredible sadness that my beautiful, witty, intelligent and articulate boy is poleaxed by this dreadful disease, and utter frustration at the endless task of dealing with it. There are days when I just don't want to hear it any more. I don't let him see this, and keep up a cheerful and chivviying face on for him. He has enough to deal with I know. AIBU to just want my boy to be happy and to be looking forward to the future??

Sympathies and hugs OP

Original poster
Bumpandkind · 20/07/2015 23:53

I'm not sure that I'm being selfless. We have a Ds and I find it (usually) easier to maintain a status quo than risk rocking the boat by insisting he goes back to the g.p or we have counselling etc. Thank you for your kind post.

OP posts:
Iamalltheyhavenow · 21/07/2015 00:01

Phew, I feel better already just for saying that....thanks OP for making me talk about it, and for the realisation that we are not suffering alone

Wheretheresawill1 · 21/07/2015 00:02

Imagine what it's like to live with it in your head. You want to die but you know that by dying you cause even more pain to your loved ones. So you are trapped in an illness that nobody understands that one day medical knowledge will prove it is real.
It's hard for everyone but I can tell you now I've tortured myself with what this illness has done to my family and how disappointed and frustrated they must feel. 20yrs is a long time to suffer. There are no winners

Original poster
Bumpandkind · 21/07/2015 00:06

Iamall, I know. I think with social media and everything else, it seems like everyone is promoting their perfect life all the time and living with family that do not fit this mould. It's difficult.

OP posts:
MistressChalk · 21/07/2015 00:07

Sometimes Bump, we need someone to give us a talking to. Not in the 'cheer up and get over it!' way, more the 'I need you to start helping yourself because I need you to be here with me'. Feeling your emotions might help him feel his again xx

Timeandtune · 21/07/2015 00:23

My DH had severe depression for nearly four years. At times he was suicidal and at his lowest he would be in bed for days either sleeping or weeping. He wouldn't accept medication or counselling but gradually over an 18 month period got better. This thread has prompted some thoughts.

When DH was at his lowest I still had to focus on my children and my work. This helped me to keep going. I got some support from a carers' group and that was invaluable. I had to detach myself emotionally in order to keep going and it took a while for the closeness between us to return.

We have a workman coming tomorrow to give a quote for some repairs. When my DH was at his worst he would hide in panic when anyone came to the door. He would phone me at work and either DS1 or I would have to come back and sit with him. Now he is fine with door answering and will chat to the Jehova's Witnesses.

At church there is always a section during prayers where you offer up your own thoughts. For years I would pray for DH to get better. I only recently realised that I haven't done this for months now.

junebirthdaygirl · 21/07/2015 02:01

My dh suffers from depression and these are a few things that l found helpful.. I have my own life. When he is able we do lots together. When he is not l do lots with friends sisters whoever. I have my own hobbies and interests. This might seem hard but when he wouldn't seek help l stopped letting him use me as a personal counsellor so he didn't have to go and look for help. I gave up making suggestions and resorted to saying lm sure you will sort it out. And he did seek help takes meds and is much better but not totally. What didn't help was keeping it all to myself. I had to seek help too in a support group by just talking more to my friends and family. I am in a good place with it now but it is not easy so you have my total sympathy.

captainproton · 21/07/2015 02:13

The worst is living someone who refuses to either seek help for it. I have suffered bad depression and suicidal thoughts, years of self harm. I hid it all because I was trying to keep my mother afloat. She had depression herself and self medicated with booze and binging on prescription drugs. When I noticed I couldn't keep a handle on my own depression I saw my GP as I felt I owed it to my family. I remember thinking to myself that I wanted to die and that I at least owed it to my family to give the doctor a go. My logic, if it doesn't work I can still kill myself and I've not lost anything. Medication and therapy saved me.

Supporting someone who refuses to help themselves can push you to the brink and it's not fair really. Why should you have to get pushed to the limit off living yourself because someone refuses treatment? My mother often used to say 'now you know how it feels!' As if she was glad that I was being tortured too. Why you'd wish that hell on anyone you love I don't know.