To be totally selfish for a moment and complain about how exhausting and sad it is to live with someone suffering with depression.

[Bumpandkind]

I know it's wrong to say this as I'm in good mental health, but the sheer weight of it drags me down. The excess need for sleep, the lack of enthusiasm the dragging monotony that is living with a depressed partner. How do people in similar situations cope?

Bless you.it must be awful.don't ever think they don't feel that too though.the guilt of putting loved ones through it as often another feed fr the bastard illness.it help the sufferers guilt and self hate grow.because they love u so much and want u to be free of this.
The key is knowing the love is between u two.the enemy and fusyration is to the illness not eachother.seperate it out and go9n battling.
I'd say there's no help fr ur particular issue because this is a symptom of it.but perhaps getthings to help u suvove.do things u love,art,books,cooking,drinks,walks,trips out.you know making sure you have your own cures,ur own happy place and knowledge that the world is ok.
Go to him too.knowing he can hold you or give u a little talk will make him feel better,that he's still ur man,protector.
It's the bravest thing ever to go on this battle with someone and hats off tp those doing it.don't give up.keep urself safe though.sleep,relax rat chocolates

YANBU

My husband suffers from MH problems and depression. He is the most beautiful person in my life but also the most difficult.

I know he's ill but I struggle often with the mood swings, attitude changes, lack of sleep, everything that comes with it whilst trying to look after the family.

I feel like a failure most days and on the days I'm not, im walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting his good days.

My husband is in a protracted bout of OCD and depression and in fairness it's breaking me. I don't want to be that woman who abandons her ill husband, but I'm headed that way.
I'm aware how awful this makes me, but his meds and therapy aren't working and he's so miserable all the time.
We both have external support. And I'm lucky he is aware of his condition and seeks help for it, but he can only deal with himself. Me or the kids are beyond him.

WhereThere Of course depression is a real disease!!!

My ex coped by kicking me out , making the symptoms of my depression 10 times worse and stopping me from sharing each and every day with my beautiful son who was my main source of inspiration for dealing with the depression. Oddly enough. our cats , who I've not seen in months , also used to help me with anxiety and depression. I guess she felt the way you do now, and acted on it, gambling with several futures in the process. If you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way. Whether or not it's unreasonable to be selfish when in such a situation. . .perhaps not.. . .I guess that is up for debate.

It is exhausting. I've always been the 'strong' one but dealing with DH's last depressive period nearly broke me. He received so much help and is better now, however I felt selfish thinking 'where is my help?'

I took time out by myself to walk, run and do craft stuff that I enjoyed and threw myself into work and that helped. My advice is to take time to breathe and find someone sympathetic to talk to.

My mother has MH problems, (me & DD still live with my parents) sometimes she's happy & Jolly and it's fine, but other times it's awful, so I appreciate where your coming from.

One reason I didn't take a previous employer to court for disability discrimination was because she worked their and I knew she couldn't handle it. She's retired now and generally a lot better, but sometimes I want to cut her off, she's hard work.

I've lived with this all my life and my sympathy is running out.

Yes, it can be exhausting at times. Very exhausting.

For me, the good outweighs the bad though. I have learnt how to not let it bring my mood down. It has taken years to achieve but I have got there. I also have my own social life, not much of one but I have to have interests for myself.

DH has severe depression/bipolar and severe social anxiety. He is medicated and takes it like clock work but he has never been able to find a medication that deals with his depression well. He has been depressed on some level for over 20 years now. He makes sure he exercises and eats well and he is very proactive in managing his condition which helps.

He is pretty well right now which is lovely but it won't be long until his mood goes very very low again.

I have OCD and health anxiety, so he has been through it with me as well when I have had bad flare ups.

Read 'Depression fallout'

If you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way.

It really really isn't.

I think depression can dragg the soul out of everyone who cares for someone whith depression.

I think in a way you need to 'barrier nurse' as in protect yourself as a nurse does with a contagious patient.

Limit contact - even if this means just going for a walk on your own for 20 mins.

YANBU.

It can be utterly soul destroying.

YANBU. I have severe MH issues and I wonder how my wonderful, patient partner copes at times. Space and communication helps I think. It's hard to separate what I mean and what I don't when I'm in the middle of an episode though.

BUMPANDKIND you are not being selfish in anyway at all!

I've been both sides of the fence,I had PND twice and Oh My God I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!

But I've also been the one that was married to someone that got depression and that was an awfully sad situation to be in,my lovely DH struggled so much and I was pregnant at the time with our youngest DD.

He really struggled with getting help,but I made him,he didn't want to for his own sake(I think that's more common than we realize for men)so I told him he had to for our children's sake and for the sake of our love and our relationship.He got help through our doctors and it helped from the start.He was feeling a lot better within 6 months and thankfully he hasn't suffered since.

I know it can be really hard to understand how someone must feel when they're depressed.

For me,just existing,just continuing trying to breath and live was like trying to swim through Treacle!

I hope both your husband and yourself get the help and support you both need.Don't forget when it comes to depression you can speak to your DR on behalf of your husband and yourself.

Good Luck OP

This thread made me cry. Why? Because at the moment I'm temporarily living in a room at my parent's house with my six month old baby because my husband is going through his worst episode of depression since we've been together. And I feel horrendous and guilty and ashamed for saying - no, right now I cannot watch you because you are suicidal and look after our baby and not crack myself. So no. You are definitely not being selfish. Being with someone with depression is so, so hard. And you know what - I'm a little relieved that other people feel like this! I've spent the last few days feeling so guilty for taking my baby out of a horrible situation, feeling like I should be strong enough to support my husband and keep the house running and look after a baby and I just can't. Please don't feel bad OP. The thing that's been keeping me going is saying to myself "you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm".

SoSayWeAll, please don't feel bad. You have to look after your baby and your husband has to seek help for his depression. Is he doing that or is he suffering alone?

You know what they say on a flight... put your own oxygen mask on first before you help others. You are doing that by putting yourself in a safe environment for your child and for you. You can't possibly help your child when you're in the danger zone of your own home.

If you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way.

I disagree entirely with this. I am sorry you have had and are having a tough time Orrelly. But it really isn't selfish.

I say this as someone who has depression and cared for my mother who suffered with severe depression.

I can't comment on your situation. But the OPs Partner will not seek help and is therefore condemning the OP to live in a difficult situation with no light at the end of the tunnel. The OP can not force her partner to seek help. How is it fair for the OP to have to live like this when her partner will not take steps to make all their lives better?

Then there are kids to consider (in many situations). Its is unbelievably hard to grow in a house with someone who suffers from depression, especially when that person will not do any thing about it. As PP said 'you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm'. But when you are the child in this situation, you are on fire and have no options to leave or change things. You just have to burn, while the parent tries to keep warm.

Quite frankly I would prefer DH to take my kids away from me, rather than have them grow up like I did. Thankfully, my mums refusal to ask for help, pushed me to ask for it. I couldn't let the kids grow up like that.

I'm another one who has been in this situation. DH has been depressed on and off for about 12 years (we have been married for over 20) and at his worst he was suicidal. He has also spent years being short tempered and snappy or totally withdrawn. He is a bit better at the moment, but everyone in the house is still on edge some of the time waiting for the next episode. I have thought about leaving so many times, but like a PP I didn't want to be the woman who abandoned her ill husband, and then when he is a bit better it is easier to deal with.

Anyone who is dealing with it needs to be able to put themselves and kids first, at least sometimes, as you can't care for someone when you are totally exhausted and stressed. I have good friends and family I can vent to and spend time with, and I have learned to just do things anyway, whether he joins in or not.

Bankwadger I know it's real- I've suffered and I mean suffered for 20 odd years and accepted all treatments including an aggressive treatment involving 2 antidepressants at above bnf levels. I lead a normalish sort of life 75% of the year now including as a psychiatric nurse. The 25% of the year I still function as in go to work but I loose the ability to do anything not work related as it takes all my ability to work. I've more than doubled my body weight; lost teeth; lost friends; lost relationships; a lucrative professional career; the ability to buy a house; was made bankrupt so yes it's a very real illness to me
My point is that deep down a lot of people don't think it's a real illness. One day these people will hopefully have the evidence needed. Does anyone know about the behind the scenes stuff that goes on in my life? I don't think so- I can look a bit less groomed if u know me but it's unlikely I will meet with anyone or invite them to my home ( I can't function when unwell) when I'm not feeling great. From that respect it's a very hidden illness

The other thing is so many say 'oh I wish so and so had spoken to me' when the person has killed themselves. That makes me chuckle. So many people are absent when I'm not well. I say I'm struggling but I can go weeks before people text or call. So you end up learning to act. More funding is desperately needed- I take lithium as well now- there's been no real research into lithium since the early 80s yet look at cancer research

I empathise, OP. Thankfully my DH engages with his CMHT (what's left of it) so I'm not his only point of support, but it's still exhausting. I go through occasional spells of what I call "compassion fatigue" where I can only really do the bare minimum. Take care of yourself, and make sure you get time doing things that make you happy to recharge your batteries.

My husband has chronic depression with anxiety which flares up from time to time. Whilst he can manage the baseline depression when it flares he needs medication - sometimes for months or a couple of years. He doesn't always know that it's flaring because he's not in a rational place to judge his behaviour or demeanour. He's good at holding it together at work only to collapse at home.

What has helped me is a) his willingness to seek help (he sees it as an illness not a personal failing) both therapy and medication, b) his trust in my judgement so when I tell him he needs to see the GP he does, c) people I can talk to honestly about how I'm doing and d) his willingness to understand the impact on others so we can have honest conversations and support each other rather than me pouring support one way.

It is a horrible illness and a relationship breaker. I won't ever know what it's like in his head, not because I won't every experience depression (who knows?) but because it's so individual.

It's not selfish to think like this, or to protect children from the fallout to a certain extent, or to end a relationship that is irreparable from your perspective even if your partner is ill.

It would be selfish to actively blame someone for being ill, to judge them as a lesser person because they are ill, to remove access to children where there's no safeguarding risk etc.

If people can't discuss how they feel about their own and their partner's ill health then it stays a hidden, closed door illness rather than being normalised and supported

Depression and other mental illnesses are terrible things to deal with both for the individual and for the people close to them.
The levels of anxiety involved in supporting someone with a mental illness are extreme and it is so easy to do or say the wrong thing. YANBU-I think for your own sake you have to keep up a separate life of your own.

I knew someone with a close family member who killed herself. She said that the anxiety and stress beforehand were almost as bad as the grief afterwards.

I think GPs and mental health workers often under-estimate the stress on partners and families-in a way that doesn't happen with physical illness. This is not to blame the person with the illness in any way-they suffer terribly too.

Also, generally when people are physically ill they appreciate your concern-when someone is in the grip of a distorted negative view of the world this isn't always the case.

I ended up going to counselling for dh having pstd. As it drained me completely. It came to ultimatum with us. I told him me and kids were leaving unless he went to gp. I went with him into the appointment, got a chance to say how it was from my perspective.

We were lucky. He got an outpatients psych assessment straight away and some help after

Wheretheresawill1 I hope you can understand a little what it's like to be the friend who knows their friend is struggling.

It isn't the case that any and all overtures are welcome. The friends who know what's going on are also people who might be struggling too, who might be in far too fragile a position to take the rejection that's often a part of depression. They might not see themselves as being of any use. They might try, get a bad or uncertain reaction, and be too scared of upsetting you to try again - knowing that you're in a bad place and probably don't want it made worse.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had a friend with MH problems who has actually not seemed to want help, company, special treatment, even to carry on the friendship as normal. In my case that was fine but unclear for approximately a year, which probably caused more trouble than it should have done.

In my experience, friends who are struggling are very much on my mind, but I'd do anything rather than upset them. I don't know what the answer is though!

OP you have my deepest sympathies, and it's not selfish. Both DH and I have experienced depression, but not severely or for long periods while we have known each other. I grew up with a mother and I look back with horror on the complete and utter draining power that her mental state had on the whole family. It took over and entirely controlled all of us. And it made it a million times worse that she never had any desire to help herself or be helped. In my twenties I also had a (very unpleasant) partner with MH issues who refused to do anything about them ever.

It's not the done thing to say, but I feel I have enough first hand experience at both ends of depression to be able to...people with depression can be incredibly selfish and lazy. My mother is an extreme case in all aspects of her life, and with her MH issues becomes a total draining monster. DH and I are both far more self reliant and resourceful and recognise that absolutely nothing ever got any better by laying about doing nothing and refusing all help (yes, sometimes this is all you can do, but you cannot do this for years on end without cease). Well you can, but you won't get anywhere and if that's what you choose to do, knock yourself out, but if you expect others to stick with you for the ride, you need to start considering them a bit.

Just because someone has depression doesn't mean they're beyond reproach, and it doesn't mean they suddenly become all the clichés...brave, stoical etc. My mother is a helpless, selfish, self-destructive, passive, negative whingebag pain-in-the-ass and being depressed only makes this worse. It doesn't make her just an innocent victim. It makes her a pain in the ass who has depression.

Sometimes people need a stern talking to, threats etc even if they are in the midst of great pain.