To be totally selfish for a moment and complain about how exhausting and sad it is to live with someone suffering with depression.

[Bumpandkind]

I know it's wrong to say this as I'm in good mental health, but the sheer weight of it drags me down. The excess need for sleep, the lack of enthusiasm the dragging monotony that is living with a depressed partner. How do people in similar situations cope?

It is exhausting to be the partner of someone with depression. It is worse to actually have it...but that doesn't take anything away from the difficulty of being the partner.

And of course the partner has the option of leaving the depression behind.....

I imagine it is the same with partners with physical disabilities or partners with cancer etc. It is horrible and draining to be the partner in those cases too...but still probably worse to have the disability or cancer.

I go through occasional spells of what I call "compassion fatigue" where I can only really do the bare minimum

This sums me up perfectly. It's hard feeling sorry and supportive of the person who is at home all day when I come home from a long day at work to find the kids haven't been outside and the house is a tip and I'm expected to get dinner on the crumb covered table. I don't see my children, while he just sits there.

I KNOW his OCD makes house work hard for him, but I also know he's given up trying. I should have a husband and 2 children instead I have 3 children

Well thanks IceBeing for that nice little guilt trip.

Perhaps this makes me sound horrible but as someone who suffers with MH problems I get quite frustrated by people who won't seek treatment. I do understand the hopelessness and the enormity and everything, but I also feel we have to take a bit of responsibility for ourselves, especially if it is affecting our loved ones.

My illness has made me behave terribly in the past and part of my recovery was apologising to loved ones. It would have been easy to say 'but it wasn't really me' but for me personally I have to make the MH problems part of me, something I am in charge of, instead of something happening TO me, to continue with my recovery. It's my responsibility to monitor myself and be aware of my condition and keep seeing my Dr etc.

But it's different for everyone. I am really sorry you're going through this, OP

My DH has depression and PTSD (we also have a 4 month old) and is exhausting. He is finally accessing some talking type stuff, but he also has read quite a lot around mindfulness, and has self taught some strategies for coping with the anxiety related to the PTSD. It's simple things like breathing exercises and visualisations that he can do without anyone noticing. Perhaps your DP could explore something like this, which might seem less intimidating to him? It is totally exhausting though, I understand totally where you're coming from.

bank oh sorry did I say the wrong thing? Just thought it might be possible that while caring is very tough, being ill may be tougher.

I am the partner of someone with OCD and it is definitely tougher on him than on me.

Just wanted to say - OP you are not being selfish. I totally understand where you are coming from.

I have experienced both sides by the way. I have suffered depression and I have lived with someone with depression (2 separate people and at 2 different stages of my life). I can honestly say that living with someone with depression is equally as bad as being the one with depression. Of course, that is just my personal experience - not everyone will agree.

FWIW I do think your DH is being somewhat selfish. He refuses to get help? What is going on here? He is condemning you to a life of misery because of his inaction. It is not fair on you and is disrespectful to you and your family. I know how difficult it is to motivate yourself when you are under the cloud, but people manage to do it all the time. They want to get better. How long has been depressed / refusing to get help?

Children should not be subjected to this way of living. My father was depressed through most of my childhood. The atmosphere in the house was oppressive and very very unpleasant. I wish my mum had had the strength to leave.

I have depression, and I know that I am a burden on dh and (to a lesser extent) the dses, though I try not to be.

Marriage and family is about supporting people when they need it, but, as the depression sufferer, I believe that I need to do my part too - which means taking the treatment and therapy that is available, and doing what I am capable of, to promote my own recovery.

I do know how difficult it can be, to reach out and ask for help, but refusing to ask for help, and expecting your loved ones to pick up all the burden, seems wrong to me.

I think with social media and everything else, it seems like everyone is promoting their perfect life all the time and living with family that do not fit this mould. It's difficult.

Firstly please don't compare your lives to someone else's highlight reel - because that's all facebook is you know - their happiest stuff. People put all the good bits there, maybe occasionally some irritations but virtually never any of the shit going on in their lives.

Even in this day of social media in your pocket, the old saying of you don't know what happens behind closed doors still stands. People often have more shit going on in life than you ever know about.

Yanbu. I've both suffered depression and been the one trapped with the sufferer. The second scenario was actually far harder to handle because I wasn't expected to be miserable and selfish and anti social or in need of support or sympathy and all the other things that were accepted when I was the sufferer. You have my sympathy, it's shit.

Sorry posted too soon. Oh and Facebook was supposed to be social media, don't know why I wrote Facebook, its all social media.

Orelly If you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way.
That is cruel to say because it is not selfish. I have a DH with mental health problems and I am prone to antenatal and postnatal depression. It is hard to live with someone with MH problems especially when they won't help themselves and/or you have MH problems yourself. My DH, as much as I love him, has dragged me down. Its draining. But I have dragged him down when bad too. I did tell him I was divorcing him once (and meant it), because he'd stopped taking his meds and I couldn't cope. It was the kick up the backside he needed to get meds sorted again.

OP Does your DH know that modern antidepressants work by rebalancing the serotonin levels (a hormone) in the brain and don't suppress other feelings? Its just some people still think they are like they were in the "old" days, when they basically dulled all feelings and could be quite drowsying.

YY Lurkedforever. It is much harder in many ways to be the one who lives with someone with depression - for the reasons you outlined.

When I was depressed, I was 'allowed' to lie in bed all day. I was 'allowed' to be miserable and cry all the time - because I was ill. But when I was living with the sufferer I wasn't 'allowed' to do any of that. I had to be strong and upbeat and sympathetic. I had to teeter on the brink of depression myself, staring down into the abyss, knowing that if I fell into it...the family would be completely fucked. Sometimes I wished I could just throw myself into the pit, that it would be a release...then maybe someone would take care of ME for once. Then I wouldn't have to carry the whole family on my shoulders. Thankfully, through counselling and reading and exercise - I managed to get myself away from the edge. And so did my DH.

God, the whole bloody thing is so...well, depressing.

you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way. Whether or not it's unreasonable to be selfish when in such a situation. . .perhaps not.. . .I guess that is up for debate.

Several people have picked me up on the first part of that statement whilst totally ignoring the bit that followed. So just to be clear, I think it is selfish but perhaps sometimes the situation dictates that there is no other option.

I left my exh a couple of years ago. He had depression.

I am not sure if it was the depression that eventually killed the relationship. I think it had more to do with the fact he wouldn't get help. The way I saw it / see it is that he didn't care enough about me / the kids to want to get better. He could see how it was effecting us yet couldn't be bothered. I ended up resenting him so much it hurt.

Also it seemed to me that he could pick and chose when he felt depressed. I actually became suspicious that he wasn't depressed at all, but that's a whole other thread.

Now that he is no longer living with us, the household is a lighter place, filled with laughter and fun. Its amazing the effect he had on us.

At first I did feel selfish - but then I realised that it is not selfish AT ALL to want a better life for the children. I am happy. They are happy. I think someone said upthread about taking care of yourself before taking care of anyone else (like the masks in an airplane) - that resonates with me, as well as the fire analogy.

Anyone who thinks it is selfish to put your children first, to take them out of a horrendous atmosphere in their home, where there is no love only misery - is wrong. Plain and simple.

I don't think its unreasonable to be selfish in this situation.

Its called self preservation.

Both DH and DS (15) have depression.
It can be exhausting - we ride the same roller coaster as them but with the weight of maintaining our own MH and, possibly, other family members.

With DS it's the micro managing of his moods that is draining. I thought DH would be more sympathetic given his own struggles but it has given him a better understanding of what he's like to deal with at times!

For me, the hardest times are when everything is negative - it can sap my mood too :-(

Depression does manifest itself as selfish behavior, and whether it's something some sufferers take advantage of, or whether it genuinely can't be helped, we do need to admit for the sake of those on the receiving end it is just as bleak and shit when you aren't the one with a diagnosis.
The diagnosis gives you the right to say 'I feel shit, I can't help it, I am absolved of all responsibility for my behavior and I will continue to make those around me feel shit too because they don't feel as bad as I do'. But that doesn't mean those around them have a duty to just suck it up without complaint, or that they don't deserve the same level of tolerance and support the sufferer does.
My own depression was not even on the same scale or anywhere as long enduring as that I was dragged into as 'support'. And in part I really put that down to the fact that no matter how shit I felt, it was never as bad as I'd felt when I wasn't the one with the diagnosis, and a determination stronger than a medical dx that my dd would never be made to feel as bad as I had. Because for me, the state of mind of suffering depression, could not match up to how bad I'd feel knowing I was forcing my child to deal with something because I'd opted out and said I can't help myself.
And I don't blame anyone for prioritising their kids over a depressed spouse if it gets to that point, no point hanging on to a sinking ship.
I also strongly believe the reason depression sometimes runs in families is because if you're on the receiving end of depression, it's not suprising you break down too from the strain.

Ice I know I will never know what it's like to be in DH's head thank fuck but the way your post is worded makes it read like we're never allowed to complain because someone else has it worse. That kind of attitude is often exactly what does put people off seeking help.

you ask me, it IS selfish to think this way. Whether or not it's unreasonable to be selfish when in such a situation. . .perhaps not.. . .I guess that is up for debate.
Several people have picked me up on the first part of that statement whilst totally ignoring the bit that followed. So just to be clear, I think it is selfish but perhaps sometimes the situation dictates that there is no other option.

So you think it is selfish for someone who's under a huge amount of strain (because that's what looking after a depressed person is like), to say exactly what is like? To say you know what, this is hard, it is draining, it is difficult, it puts extra strain on me, because I have to do all the stuff they wont? You seriously think that is selfish?! Its fact!

As I said, I've been on both sides yet I was going to divorce my DH for stopping his meds. It is too hard on me and on the DC. The reasons it's so hard are not only the practical side (I.e. its the non-depressed partner who picks up the slack around the house), but also the emotionally draining aspect of it (it is painfully to see someone you love suffer and the effect their behaviour can have on the kids. Plus it does drag you're own mood down too, making things feel harder for you).

If you'd ever been on the other side, perhaps you'd understand. Like the others on this thread. Its the person in a depressed condition that is actuallt the one usually acting selfishly - and yes that's because of their condition. I dont hold that against someone because that's what depression generally does, it gets you stuck in a really selfish frame of mind where, often, you are completely unable to see how draining it is and how much harder, your illness makes life for the other person.

Selfish and lazy- do u realise or even care how damaging that statement is

You seem to have confused depression with personality disorder

You've confirmed to me there's no point talking to anyone when I feel awful. When I lack motivation to shower I'm lazy??!!

Disgusting

And the above is in response to the post by sleepy

It's fucking disgusting I grew up with that shit where because their need for support and sympathy trumped my need for any form of life. My own depression was fuck all by comparison, so yes I reserve the right to say its more than understandable the supporter is not selfish to feel shit too. Depression is selfish by nature, and while the depression explains why, it does not diminish the other persons right to sympathy and support, nor does it mean anywhere but the depressives head they have a monopoly on sympathy

Yes it's exhausting - DPs mental health impacted so much on my children (from previous relationship) and destroyed me that I had to ask him to move out
He does now accept he suffers from depression but refuses to accept any help or the possibility that it could be treated even if only partially
We are still very much together but retain separate households
I can only help him if I have somewhere of my own to retreat to and recharge my own batteries
On other occasions it feels like he is my third adult child -
I still can't abandon him as I know it's not really his fault just the way he is and the non depressed person lurking inside him makes it worthwhile on the rare occasions that he surfaces

Oh and Orrelly I did read the rest of your post: My ex coped by kicking me out , making the symptoms of my depression 10 times worse and stopping me from sharing each and every day with my beautiful son who was my main source of inspiration for dealing with the depression. Oddly enough. our cats , who I've not seen in months , also used to help me with anxiety and depression. I guess she felt the way you do now, and acted on it, gambling with several futures in the process.

I didn't comment on that because I don't know the ins and out of your particular situation. However, from what you've said and from my experiences and understanding of my own depression and my DH's - I would say have you ever tried to flip the situation round? Perhaps your exP had tried for soooo looooong and was going under themselves. Perhaps you wouldnt help yourself, making the situation worse not only for her but your DS. Perhaps your exP couldn't stand to see the effects on your DS any longer. Perhaps rather than "taking him from you" she was protecting him from the effects of your depression. Maybe the cats were important to your DS and exP couldn't bare for DS to loose them. Or maybe exP needed them too, maybe she kept them to help her - maybe exP still loved you and the pain of loosing them felt too much, on top of the agony of loosing you. Maybe exP didn't know how much they meant to you and that you actually wanted to take them or thought that in your depressed state you couldn't properly care for them. There are loads of possible reasons for what your exP did, other than being a selfish bitch and thinking screw that, screw you, you can fuck off and I'll keep you away from the things you love and leave you even more depressed.

I mean obviously it's completely possible that exP was just selfish and you got depression and exP instantly said fuck that, I want you to look after me, not the other way round, so I'm going to hurt you. From the limited amount, of your perspective, we've got over the internet, we can't say one way or another. But that isn't anything like the feelings on this thread.