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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU when I said this?

140 replies

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:13

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with me...one asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:24

I dont think I said 'should' Crohn just that for the sake of harmony that's what I would have done.

Original poster

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 19:24

I think I will contact them DoesIt, but definitely not for a couple of days. I'm still disproportionately annoyed that they weren't doing anything. Their DS has hit before but it's never been anywhere near as bad as this. Neither of them has ever been a disciplinarian (never had to be really...Their DS1 is an absolute angel), but I didn't think they'd just sit around and let their DS2 repeatedly hurt another child.

OP posts:

ChilliAndMint · 19/07/2015 19:27

YANBU. A child needs to understand there are consequences for their actions.
If a child laid into my kid and the parents didn't intervene I'd be inclined to show them the door.

pictish · 19/07/2015 19:27

The sake of harmony is vastly overrated imo.

tacoxx · 19/07/2015 19:28

I also think it is good to be honest with friends and maybe it will help them in the future to think about how they handle him. Some people would just cut them out if it was that unpleasant. I think your reaction was ok but if I were you, and they are good friends, I would send them an email saying sorry if I overreacted and then just explain yourself a bit better in a diplomatic way. I had something similar with a friend in past and think we were better friends after clearing the air and she said she appreciated my honesty.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:29

Even when it's your oldest friends pictish?

silverglitterpisser · 19/07/2015 19:30

Tact = saying "I'm really concerned that u don't discipline ur DS when he is physical with DD" instead of "Wow, can't u keep ur kid under control, he's being really horrible!" kinda thing.

I didn't advocate apologising n agree OP was NBU n indeed pretty restrained!

However, should she wish to stay friends with these parents n actually get this child's behaviour addressed she will need to approach them in such a way they r receptive. Shouldn't b like this n shouldn't even be happening in the first place but if u want to raise issues with someone else's child, only high levels of tact n sensitivity will c that out as parents r naturally defensive.

Original poster

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 19:32

That's reassuring taco. I've known the dad since I was 15 and mum since I was 19...We've seen each other through hell. We've all always been very blunt with each other and appreciated it but I think with this being about the children it's rubbed us all up the wrong way.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 19/07/2015 19:36

It's tough. Ob wih angel child no1 they didn't have to deal with this. He sounds very like my 2 year old. Difference is in remove him each time he does something and either sit with him in hall or corner. Guessing their ds is a curve ball and they havnt a clue how to deal with it.

Honestly not sure if u will be able to salvage friendship. Next time I'd go for outdoor meet up so there's more space find works well for my 2 year old

ChilliAndMint · 19/07/2015 19:39

OP I don't think you were rude at all. You were at a loss for words.
There is no way I would have watched my child repeatedly attacked a baby.
The parents need to be doing more..perhaps they are leaning all their parenting skills ( or rather lack of) from textbooks and the like.

AccidentalAnarchist · 19/07/2015 19:42

OP, yanbu
Ignore Santana; she's known for her sanctimonious comments and is hardly an expert in such matters...

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:45

Op - in your last post you encapsulate it. What you can say honestly and openly to your mates about them, is different to what you can say about their children. It's just different. Some things shouldnt be said, and when they are, can't be unsaid.

I know posters here are infuriated on your behalf. But at the end of the day it's your life and your friends, not theirs. Stay on the moral high ground if you wish.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 19:46

Ignore Santana; she's known for her sanctimonious comments and is hardly an expert in such matters

Am I?! OMG. So proud.

CocktailQueen · 19/07/2015 19:53

It might have been poor parenting, but you'd think if it was your oldest friend, you could have a bit more tact!

Or maybe, since OP's friends were her best friends, maybe they could have been more proactive about dealing with their aggressive and baldy behaved toddler?

OP, YANBU. They need to get their parenting shit together and learn how to deal effectively with their son's behaviour. Your poor dd. They must have heard the same from other people!!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 19/07/2015 19:56

I think you were restrained OP, your response was measured imo.

I wouldn't have had my dc's near a child who hit them and had no adult reining them in.

CocktailQueen · 19/07/2015 19:59

Have rtft.

Have no idea what Santana is one about - she sounds deranged.

Listen to what everyone else is saying, OP. There's no reason why your restrained comment should end your friendship if it is strong - ffs, people say much worse things to each other than that all the time! You weren't rude.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 20:02

Oh well santana me too.

Iggi999 · 19/07/2015 20:04

"It's best you leave before you do real harm to dd" "it might be hard to see you again until you have his behaviour under control".
No, no cause for offence there at all!

thebear1 · 19/07/2015 20:13

I understand why you did what you did, but if a friend asked me to leave and asked me to parent my child differently I would take it badly.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/07/2015 20:19

Yanbu

Bit baffled that a few posters seem to think the wounded feelings of two adults is more important than a one year old getting hurt.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 19/07/2015 20:23

There is no easy way to resolve the issue of them passively watching their dc hurt your dc. Either you say something and be damned for it, don't see them and be damned for it or you persevere and watch your dc get hurt.
If they had actively tried to stop it, apologised and told him they'd leave if he did it again (meaning it) then you'd have something to work with but they've shown no insight at all.
I had a friend with a violent dc and she refused to accept it was out of the ordinary. She watched her friends drift away as nobody wanted their dc hurt. It still hasn't improved years on.

whattheseithakasmean · 19/07/2015 20:23

If you value the friendship, I think you need to be a bit more conciliatory in your approach. Your friend may be struggling & need support, but she won't reach out to you after your judgey comments, so maybe rein it back & be nice. 2 years olds can be monsters, this will pass, but you could lose a friendship along the way if you aren't careful.

RufusTheReindeer · 19/07/2015 20:26

Yanbu

A very similar thing happened to me and a very dear friend of mine

I was at her house though and was obviously able to leave, I rang her later to say that I wasn't happy to go round to hers again without our husbands to deflect the children

Once they were all at school we were able to meet up more often without the children. She was fine with it although I did say that maybe my son was provoking her child ( he wasn't, her daughter was just horrible to him all the time) to try and defuse the situation.

JassyRadlett · 19/07/2015 20:47

'more than you're doing' how fucking insensitive.

I'm still baffled by this, pages of the thread later.

Insensitive to what exactly? Their desire to take a laissez-faire attitude to OP's smaller child being beaten up?

Most of us have been in situations where our child was unpleasant to another child. At the age of two, for behaviour nowhere near what OP has described, my child would have had serious, age appropriate sanctions and if that wasn't working, one of us would have taken him outside or home.

I would have been holding my misbehaving child on my lap, for starters, not expecting OP to keep her daughter away from my kid.

ShipShapeAhoy · 19/07/2015 20:48

Bit baffled that a few posters seem to think the wounded feelings of two adults is more important than a one year old getting hurt.

Me too.

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