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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU when I said this?

140 replies

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:13

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with me...one asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

OP posts:
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 19/07/2015 18:58

Recommend a book???!!! Hahahahahaha you must be joking!

There is no obligation for the op to behave better than her friends which is what some of you are suggesting. If your child is hitting and being unpleasant you either step in and if necessary remove your child from the situation (and at 2yo they are small enough for a fireman's lift) or you do nothing because you are an antisocial cretin.

In the context I think you behaved in an exemplary manner. "What do you expect us to do?" FFS.

Spartans · 19/07/2015 18:58

Or maybe she thinks her child should be allowed to be free to express themselves

purplemunkey · 19/07/2015 18:59

I also don't think 'more than you are doing' was a particularly bad thing to say. It would have been far worse to say 'learn how to bloody parent' or something, surely?

OP told them that they were not doing enough to control his behaviour and have left them to go away and think about what else they can do rather than dictate methods or specific books (!). And they probably will think about this, whether they admit it to themselves or not. Not sure if the friendship will survive unscathed though unfortunately.

Maryhadalittlespam · 19/07/2015 18:59

They may have gone home under normal circumstances but by your own admittance you all have to make an extra effort with children

You have criticised the thing that means the most to them so of course they will be hurt

I would ring them when things have calmed down

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/07/2015 18:59

I think you handled it fine.

In my world you are more honest with the people you know well, not less! My close friends and family don't sugar coat hard truths which need to be heard. Nor do I.

The friends asked op what they should do about it. She told them, plainly,

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 19:00

Stopped so low? I can think of much more unpleasant things that op could have said. I think it was mild. How about the other parents stepping up and actually preventing their child from hurting the dd or leaving? I just don't understand why the onus was on op to work it all out when it was her child being hurt.

ovaryhill · 19/07/2015 19:02

Walloping another child back isn't acceptable either Santana, I thought you said your dd was a good little thing? ? Clearly not
Or is it just your parenting?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:02

Crohnically I just think for the sake of keeping a child on my lap to escape wild 2 year old whose parents are my very great friends, well it's worth it. I wouldn't want to fall out with my best friends like this. If the OP hadn't made that comment, she could make arrangements to see them and they could just meet up as adults - without the children -over next year with their friendship intact. Now they won't be doing that. The friendship is in question.

GatoNaranja · 19/07/2015 19:04

Well done OP. You said the right thing as far as I'm concerned! I would see the red mist if another child attacked my dcs and struggle to be pleasant to its ineffective parents!

Original poster
The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 19:05

I couldn't keep my DD on my lap the whole time. She's 1 and wanted to play, like any 1 year old. He even kicked her while I was changing her nappy so keeping her next to me wasn't a solution.

OP posts:
LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 19:05

The thing is Throughthicksndthin that doesn't always work. If you don't actually say that you are unhappy about the behaviour these friends are going to be very confused as to why op won't meet up without the children.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 19:05

She is, but she wouldn't put up with being hit Grin

OP's last comment more or less ended her relationship with her longest friends. I think that is really sad.

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 19:05

Sorry won't meet with the children.

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 19:07

And they beat no responsibility at all Santana.? It's fine for their child to scratch and thump another as they sit by doing very little but it's unforgivable for op to actually object?!

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 19:07

Aaaargh! Bear no responsibility.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:08

Well I don't know, but I don't think the friendship will necessarily survive this. The friends are hurt, the OP is cross. I don't think there's a way back.

GatoNaranja · 19/07/2015 19:09

You know what though? Sometimes our most effective lessons are through our friends. As someone who generally has pretty placid and easy going friendships, if I pissed a friend off so much that she felt she had to confront me then damn well i would take it on the chin and do some pretty intensive soul-searching. In fact It's happened once or twice in my life.

And it would probably be me that is the one to apologise, for putting my friend in a position whereby she had to act in a way that made her feel uncomfortable.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 19:11

It's fine for their child to scratch and thump another as they sit by doing very little but it's unforgivable for op to actually object?!

IMO, it's unforgivable for the OP to object in the way that she did.

silveroldie2 · 19/07/2015 19:13

YADNU - when my Godson was young, he was a monster. He would communicate only by grunting like a neanderthal and go around the room kicking and biting people's legs. His parents said and did nothing in response, nor when he took a bite out of every type of cheese bought for Christmas lunch, nor when he climbed up a floor to ceiling wall unit to reach the chocolate.

After a particularly viscious bite of my leg I got on the ground and pinned his arms and legs to the floor. Then in a very stern voice said 'YOU DO NOT KICK, SCRATCH AND BITE PEOPLE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND'. He was frozen to the spot, grunted, I let him go and never got attacked again although his parents were in a state of shock Grin

He is now a charming and lovely adult. Not sure how he transformed himself.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 19:13

Yes but Gato the op pissed off her friends because of their son. The op is protective of her dd, but I bet they are feeling very protective of their toddler DS.

Jux · 19/07/2015 19:15

You were quite right. We used to know someone whose little boy behaved like that. Her method was to ignore it; she was taking the advice "ignore the bad behaviour" too far and out of context. Despite pretty well everyone in our group with young children stopping having play dates with her and her child, she continued to do nothing about it. Heaven knows what happened to that poor child - he'll be a teen by now.

DoesItReallyMatter · 19/07/2015 19:17

I think it was a good response and I think you were right to ask them to leave.

I had a friend with twin DDs who were aggressive towards DD1 - they were twice her size and would send her flying. The mum was struggling and I wouldn't be surprised if the girls had some SEN , however I simply couldnt sit there and let my DD1 get hurt. I was upfront with my friend and said we couldn't meet up with her and her DDs. It must have been hard for her to hear but my responsibility is to my own child.

This thread is almost a unanimous YWNBU

OP, will you contact your friends to discuss this.? If you do I wouldn't comment on their parenting or their child I would just repeat that your DD was getting hurt and that you couldn't let it continue.

GatoNaranja · 19/07/2015 19:17

Yes but surely anyone of sound mind wood be impartial enough to judge the situation for what it was? If my child attacked another I would be mortified and very apologetic!

I dunno. I do get that the parents are defensive of their little monster boy but there's no excuse for sitting by and letting him attack a baby, even if the boy is only two.

GatoNaranja · 19/07/2015 19:18

Would, not wood. Jeez bloody phone!

CrohnicallyAspie · 19/07/2015 19:19

santana I wasn't talking to you! I was talking to throughthickandthin who said that OP should have protected her DD a bit longer since the day was nearly at the end.