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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU when I said this?

140 replies

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:13

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with me...one asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

OP posts:
pudcat · 19/07/2015 18:39

Good gracious I cannot believe some of the responses on here. Why should the OP let her child be hit and kicked while the other child's parents did nothing. Those parents should have apologised and taken their son home before the OP had cause to ask them.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:40

Or do you have a special licence to dish the shit?

miaaaooooooww.

She asked, didn't she?

pictish · 19/07/2015 18:41

Well...do you?

pictish · 19/07/2015 18:42

Balloon I agree. It was the perfect response.

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 18:43

I think you did your best op. Amazing that despite the fact that your dd was being scratched and hot so you were obviously upset some people think you should have been able to ignore that and have a calm rational discussion about parenting techniques!

It's a horrible situation to be in. I found myself in the same place when dd was much older and I'd tried being tactful and understanding. In the end I got really pissed off with the parents and they never spoke to me again. It was dreadfully upsetting but I don't know what you're meant to do in that instance.

redexpat · 19/07/2015 18:45

I think you handled it beautifully.

PurpleSwift · 19/07/2015 18:45

It isn't the OP's job to look into tactics to deal with a child prone to these things. Telling the child's parents to do more is fine. It's their job to figure it out. YANBU OP. If anything being an old friend of theirs is maybe why the OP was able to put it so bluntly instead of tip toeing around the issue misleading the parents to believe it's not a big deal.

Spartans · 19/07/2015 18:45

'More than what you are doing' was a perfect response. She isn't telling them how to parent. But they need to do more when their child is hurting another child.

I think the OP was great in this situation.

Why should the OP put the friendship first when the friend clearly doesnt

LilyMayViolet · 19/07/2015 18:46

Horrible thing to say? When op was upset about her own child being scratched and thumped? She's meant to be the calm, rational one because they might be offended? I feel for you op. I don't think there's any "nice" way to broach things like this. I very much doubt they'd have welcomed a detailed analysis of their parenting style!

ShipShapeAhoy · 19/07/2015 18:47

Why should op be tactful? Her dd had already been hit several times and the parents hadn't acted. I also don't see how 'more than you're doing' is lacking in tact.

ShipShapeAhoy · 19/07/2015 18:48

If my dd was being hit repeatedly by a bigger kid, I'm hardly going to Google behavioural advice for the parents.

Cynara · 19/07/2015 18:48

Yanbu. The way their child was behaving is indeed within the normal range of toddler behaviour, as a pp has said, but it's the job of his parents to show him where the boundaries are. If they're not doing that they can hardly complain when you step in to stop your baby getting hurt.

Don't apologise, but maybe when things have settled down try to smooth things over for the sake of the future of the friendship.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/07/2015 18:48

You know what? in the heat of the momentand the understandable frustration at watching him attack your child, whatyou said was probably what everyone would want to say.

Not the most diplomatic statement, and, as mentioned by others, with her being such a close friend there probably was a nicer way to handle it, but at the end of the day Id be fucking livid if anyone just sat back and let their kid scratch my kids face and terrify her in her own home.

I think I would give it a day or two and then ask to meet with her child free. Apologise not for what you said but how you said it. Explain you dont want your dd to be frightened and attacked and for them to stand by. If they are struggling, then she may say something, but struggling or not does not justify letting your kid bully another one.

Original poster
The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:49

About my response...even thinking about it now, it's the least bitchy thing I had in me at that moment. Though other things might have been more specific, they'd also have been quite harsh.

I've never had to ask anyone, bar my ex, to leave my house. I'm a very patient person. But even though I know that this wasn't abnormal behaviour for a 2 year old, I don't think it's right to simply let it happen. Even now with a 1 year old, if DD is having a difficult day, we go home.

OP posts:
Corygal · 19/07/2015 18:49

Well done. YANBU and you protected poor little DD. Now say nothing else. He may turn out to be SN which, if you mention it again now, would be cringemaking for you further down the line.

If the problem is parenting, crap parents don't do anything whether or not you raise the subject, so no point mentioning it here either.

Of course there's no need to have them back to your house or let the DS have any contact with DD. Meet in adult time only, and make fond enquiries about both DC when you do so.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 18:50

Sorry OP but I think you were out of order. The day was coming to an end, you could have protected your Dd a little bit longer, and your friendship would be intact.

You may not want their friendship now anyway, but I'm sure as hell they won't want yours.

IPityThePontipines · 19/07/2015 18:50

I think you handled it well.

If it were my child misbehaving, I would be doing whatever I could to physically keep my child apart from yours, because letting a child attack another child really isn't on.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:51

If OP really valued their friendship, she wouldn't have sunk so low. She didn't say anything helpful or supportive, she just insulted them.

my DD would have walloped him back

SnowBells · 19/07/2015 18:52

Again, YANBU. Regardless of what the poster before me said. I mean, seriously, people who'd never say anything must be such pushovers in real life...

Spartans · 19/07/2015 18:53

If the friend valued the friendship, she would have stopped her child attacking the OPs

bloodyteenagers · 19/07/2015 18:54

If op had screamed you need to get off your fucking arse and parenting your demon child. You know like most parents. Instead of the pathetic ooh stop..

Then that would have been rude. But you know I still wouldn't blame the op when she had to sit and watch another child kick hers in the head.. For her child to be on the receiving end of an attack and parents doing nothing.

Yes the child is 2. However this is no excuse for violent behavior. Yes many 2 year olds can be like this. However most parents actually do something to teach the child it's not
Ok.

CrohnicallyAspie · 19/07/2015 18:55

through but the OP was struggling to protect their child, she had already been injured several times. Why should a 1 year old put up with being attacked so that the OP can save their friends' feelings? I'd rather upset a friend than let my child be hurt!

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:55

Or maybe she was too mortified by OP judging her parenting to work out wtf to do with him.

I really doubt she is oblivious enough to enjoy having a child behaving like that.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:56

Being more tactful is not the same as leaving your one year old to be beaten up.

LaLyra · 19/07/2015 18:56

Why is it all about 'if the OP valued their friendship'? Surely if the other parents really valued the OP's friendship they wouldn't have sat there letting their child scratch and wallop her child? Their child kicked OP's child in the head more than one - no decent parent sits back and lets their child do that without being utterly mortified and doing everything they can to stop it.