WIBU when I said this?

[The5DayChicken]

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with me...one asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

[CrapBag]

YANBU. Are you supposed to just sit there and let your DD be treated this way? Of course not. And by their ineffectual parenting they are allowing him to behave this way.

And so what if he did get diagnosed with SN. That doesn't mean another child has to sit and bear the brunt of a child attacking them in this way. Would all you parents on here with children with SN let them hit, kick and bite another child in this way.

[Pukkapik]

OP, you and your friend go back a long way. Hopefully your friendship will survive this incident. Even if she was offended by what you said (and I think you were perfectly within reason to say exactly what you did) you might find that she has had a a chance to reconsider her DC's behaviour. She might be the one apologising to you when you are both next in touch. Let's hope so.

[The5DayChicken]

Apologies, I should have said this sooner as there are a few posters suggesting it as a possibility...

There has never been any indication that the little boy has SN...his development is in line with what's considered 'normal'...including this behaviour. I know it's not unusual during the terrible 2s. What I think is unusual is that his parents don't see it as an issue, nor do they really put any effort into controlling it.

[BlackeyedSusan]

when you have a child like that, you need to helicopter parent for the protection of others. a sharp no and removing the child from the situation helps. (parent of sen child)

[helenthemadex]

it may well have been normal behavior for a two year old, but it will continue unless the parents stop it

Im not sure what more the OP could have done, she moved her dd, she told him off and finally she had enough, can other posters honestly say they would not have reacted while watchng a child hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking their child?

Its not possible to be tactful in a situation like this, best friend or not something needed to be said

[The5DayChicken]

I wasn't sure I was right to have said anything iggi, hence asking the jury! I was concerned that this was one of those things you just don't say when your own child is too young for you to have had to handle this behaviour yourself. I'm not overly concerned about the way I said it...I was a mother dealing with her distressed child. It was never going to be a soft suggestion that allowed them to ignore it.

[CocktailQueen]

Who has SEN, Morewine? Nobody has mentioned that.

[Iggi999]

OP, you did what you felt you had to do. Then you came on here and asked "was I being unreasonable to say this?" so you must have had at least some doubt that there was some other way to handle it? Or what was the purpose of the thread? I don't think your thoughts/actions were wrong but I think you have to accept your friends may not get past this.

[1Morewineplease]

Having SEN doesn't mean that hitting , scratching etc... is acceptable... It's difficult yes but it shouldn't mean that a parent should put up with their child being attacked... OP YANBU... The parent must deal with it! And well done for sticking up for your child!!! You must have felt awful!!!!

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Some dense posts on this thread berating OP, namby pamby springs to mind.

[CocktailQueen]

Ah but you could stop the child being hurt without being quite so abrupt with the parents.

Well, they should have tried harder to stop their dc repeatedly hurting OP's dd!! God. it's not rocket science. There are several things two parents can do with one 2yo dc. Tell them to stop. Take them away from the other dc. Take them outside. Talk to them. Time out. Take them home.

Out of interest iggi, how the heck would you have handled it???

God!

[The5DayChicken]

You're right iggi. I could have cuddled them while asking them to leave in a soft and loving tone .

Being abrupt isn't acceptable when parents are repeatedly failing to stop their child hurting a baby? I asked them to leave right after their DS had yet again kicked my DD in the head and was told 'that's not nice'. It's not like I brought it up while we were all chatting about the weather.

[JassyRadlett]

Ah but you could stop the child being hurt without being quite so abrupt with the parents.

Under the circumstances described, only by penalising the 1 year old, because the parents of the 2 year old were not willing or able to stop their child's behaviour, and the child was not responding to OP.

[Iggi999]

Ah but you could stop the child being hurt without being quite so abrupt with the parents.

[The5DayChicken]

Thank you everyone. I'm glad most people agree I wasn't out of line but do appreciate all the input. I'll talk to them both in a couple of days. No idea what I'll say though. I don't want to apologise as it'd give them the impression that the 'fault' is all on me and they don't need to do anything. And of course, because because I don't feel I did anything wrong by asking them to leave. DD is fine thankfully...calmed right down once they left.

[ShipShapeAhoy]

Bit baffled that a few posters seem to think the wounded feelings of two adults is more important than a one year old getting hurt.

Me too.

[JassyRadlett]

'more than you're doing' how fucking insensitive.

I'm still baffled by this, pages of the thread later.

Insensitive to what exactly? Their desire to take a laissez-faire attitude to OP's smaller child being beaten up?

Most of us have been in situations where our child was unpleasant to another child. At the age of two, for behaviour nowhere near what OP has described, my child would have had serious, age appropriate sanctions and if that wasn't working, one of us would have taken him outside or home.

I would have been holding my misbehaving child on my lap, for starters, not expecting OP to keep her daughter away from my kid.

[RufusTheReindeer]

Yanbu

A very similar thing happened to me and a very dear friend of mine

I was at her house though and was obviously able to leave, I rang her later to say that I wasn't happy to go round to hers again without our husbands to deflect the children

Once they were all at school we were able to meet up more often without the children. She was fine with it although I did say that maybe my son was provoking her child ( he wasn't, her daughter was just horrible to him all the time) to try and defuse the situation.

[whattheseithakasmean]

If you value the friendship, I think you need to be a bit more conciliatory in your approach. Your friend may be struggling & need support, but she won't reach out to you after your judgey comments, so maybe rein it back & be nice. 2 years olds can be monsters, this will pass, but you could lose a friendship along the way if you aren't careful.

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

There is no easy way to resolve the issue of them passively watching their dc hurt your dc. Either you say something and be damned for it, don't see them and be damned for it or you persevere and watch your dc get hurt.
If they had actively tried to stop it, apologised and told him they'd leave if he did it again (meaning it) then you'd have something to work with but they've shown no insight at all.
I had a friend with a violent dc and she refused to accept it was out of the ordinary. She watched her friends drift away as nobody wanted their dc hurt. It still hasn't improved years on.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Yanbu

Bit baffled that a few posters seem to think the wounded feelings of two adults is more important than a one year old getting hurt.

[thebear1]

I understand why you did what you did, but if a friend asked me to leave and asked me to parent my child differently I would take it badly.

[Iggi999]

"It's best you leave before you do real harm to dd" "it might be hard to see you again until you have his behaviour under control".
No, no cause for offence there at all!

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Oh well santana me too.

[CocktailQueen]

Have rtft.

Have no idea what Santana is one about - she sounds deranged.

Listen to what everyone else is saying, OP. There's no reason why your restrained comment should end your friendship if it is strong - ffs, people say much worse things to each other than that all the time! You weren't rude.