Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

WIBU when I said this?

140 replies

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:13

My oldest friends are pissed off at me and I can't work out if this is one of those things where I'm still naive because DD is still young. So I'm putting it to the MN jury!

We've been friends since our teens, I'm godmother to their (lovely) eldest DS, was bridesmaid at their wedding, etc. So we're close. After their eldest was born they obviously had a harder time coming to see me and since my DD was born, I can't get to them as much either. So visits are few and far between while the kids are young. They have 2 boys (3 and 2) and I have a 1yo DD.

Their youngest has always been difficult. But they've visited me today and he's gotten much worse. Mess doesn't bother me, nor do broken things and tantrums...Not avoidable with 3 young children around. But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times. I obviously took DD away from him and even ended up telling him off a few times myself, but the extent of the reprimand from either of them was just "Tarquin (obviously not his name), don't do that, it's not nice."

That's all. It did nothing...he simply ignored them and carried on. I ended up saying it was best that they left before he does real harm to DD and that it might be hard seeing them until his behaviour is under control. They got quite shirty with me...one asked what I expected them to do about it and all I could say was 'more than you are doing.'

So, AIBU? Do I owe them an apology? DD was distressed and that's really not like her so I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that.

OP posts:

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:27

'more than you are doing' was a stand in for me telling them how to parent.

Why didn't you tell them? Ask if they've read a book or suggest something instead of being so catty.

bloodyteenagers · 19/07/2015 18:27

Even if it's a sen issue, behavior needs to be dealt with. Sen isn't an excuse for naughty before nor is it an excuse for ineffectual parenting.

butterfly133 · 19/07/2015 18:28

YANBU

In terms of what they think they can do, I'd have they should have abandoned the visit after his behaviour.

LoisEinhorn · 19/07/2015 18:29

YANBU if my child was behaving like that I myself would have taken him home and not let him carry on.
I think they were rude for letting it happen

silverglitterpisser · 19/07/2015 18:29

Yanbu n quite brave coz nobody wants to hear that their child is like that

Of course they over-reacted, people do at any perceived slight of their child.

It's probably gonna take some very tactful n diplomatic chat to maintain the friendship. I would tell her the truth, calmly n verrrry sensitively but I wouldn't apologise, no way.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 19/07/2015 18:29

But he's taken to hitting, scratching, pinching and kicking DD. DD is normally really very well tempered but during today's visit was obviously frightened of him. She's got scratches on her face and he even kicked her in the head a few times.

A bit of tact?!?!

WTF should the OP be tactful? Her DD is being attacked by this child, the parent is worse than useless and the OP should have more tact? I don't bloody well think so. OP I think you were remarkably restrained in what you said to your friend. YANBU

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 19/07/2015 18:30

Not everything is about SEN, and it doesn't seem the parents were trying anything to stop the child regardless. Most people wouldn't just sit and watch their kids scratch and kick another. The op had a perfectly valid reason to be annoyed by the end.

Original poster

The5DayChicken · 19/07/2015 18:30

Because telling both of them how to parent their child would have been worse Santana. I don't think I've met anyone who'd appreciate being told how they should be parenting differently.

OP posts:

FarFromAnyRoad · 19/07/2015 18:30

Spot the mother of THAT child on this thread

OP YANBU at all - at all. If it causes them to think and look into ways of getting his behaviour under control then you've done them a favour. Whether they see it like that or not is another matter - but that's not your fault. Well done.

tumbletumble · 19/07/2015 18:30

It's up to you really, OP.

YANBU to feel protective of your DD, but if you want to stay friends with them then I think you need to apologise. If you don't mind drifting away from them then you don't need to.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think you were in the wrong but it's incredibly difficult to criticise someone's DC without them taking it very personally.

AuntyMag10 · 19/07/2015 18:31

Don't feel bad op, as you can see on this thread almost everyone feels you wnbu. No normal parent will sit there and allow their child to be hit.

NinkyNonkers · 19/07/2015 18:32

Difficult. You weren't unreasonable to want to protect your child, but the way you handled it will have put their backs up and painted you as being unreasonable. Their son is 2, I'm not sure how you can say he has always been difficult.. he's 2! It goes with the territory. If you want to stay friends and have your kids grow up together, you need to find a way to get along. One year olds are quite passive and easy compared to a 2 yr old, you may find you have similar issues as she grows up.

I would let the dust settle then call and talk it through. And I would apologise too, as your parting comment was very snide and clearly passing judgement.

ovaryhill · 19/07/2015 18:32

I would have done exactly the same, and to be called a bitch on here for protecting your child is disgusting
Being two is no excuse either, plenty of toddlers are parented properly aned know that hitting is wrong

AuntyMag10 · 19/07/2015 18:32

And trying to think of book suggestions while your child being hit . Only on mn.

bloodyteenagers · 19/07/2015 18:32

Why should the op give them suggestions of reading books, techniques etc.. It's the parents job to do this and have the common sense to search out methods and implement them.

LaLyra · 19/07/2015 18:32

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.

I was the one with the bitey, scratchy, child who people thought was horrible, but I took her out of the situation, told her no a LOT, was happy or my friend's to step in and remove her from a situation and also explained to friends how I was dealing with her at that time so that if they were closer (which was rare as I stayed close for the sake of other children) they could deal with it the same way as everyone told me consistency was the key.

It's awful and horrible being the parent of that child, but even when you are at the end of your tether it's not acceptable to just sit and basically ignore your child's behaviour.

It may not be their fault that their child is behaving like that, but it's certainly their fault for not dealing with it. If nothing else the other children around need to see it being dealt with properly.

Bluejellycake · 19/07/2015 18:34

YANBU, I would have done the same. Sounds like he's in need of severe discipline, and that's what a lot of kids are sadly lacking. Hate that type of behaviour. He knows he can get away with it with his soft arse parents, but I'm glad you took your DD away from him, nasty little bugger.

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:34

Spot the mother of THAT child on this thread

My youngest aren't mobile or verbal yet, but DD is a good wee thing.

I honestly think OP has cut off her nose to spite her face. It was a horrible thing to say to her oldest friends.

pictish · 19/07/2015 18:36

I'm don't understand why "more than you're doing" is being construed as this big, bad, tactless, snidey thing to say.
It sounds plaintive, honest and upfront to me and much less vitriolic than what might have been said.

BalloonSlayer · 19/07/2015 18:36

I think "more than you are doing" is a great thing to have said!

It just hits straight back at them their useless response: "what do you expect us to do about it"

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 19/07/2015 18:37

Btw I'm not blaming the child who is only two and has still to learn how to behave appropriately. I'm blaming the parents who did nothing to stop it.

ovaryhill · 19/07/2015 18:37

And calling someone a bitch isn't horrible?

pictish · 19/07/2015 18:38

And Santana given you've called the OP a bitch and fucking insensitive straight from the off, it seems strange that you would get your knickers in a twist over what the OP said which was far less confrontational and insulting than you've been.
Or do you have a special licence to dish the shit?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 19/07/2015 18:39

I would have only ever said what you did if I wasn't bothered about our relationship , horrible thing to say and yes I would apologise!

SantanaLopez · 19/07/2015 18:39

I'm don't understand why "more than you're doing" is being construed as this big, bad, tactless, snidey thing to say. It sounds plaintive, honest and upfront to me and much less vitriolic than what might have been said.

I think it sounds really bitchy and snidey.

'The parents' were also OP's friends!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6