To not tell MIL about pregnancy when my parents know?

[PearTree201]

I'm 10wks and the scan is in a week and a half.

We've known since 4 weeks and I told 1 set of my parents during the week and plan on telling my other set today. I told my mum because I've been unwell with it and I see her 3+ times a week. We're telling my other parents today because it's the only time we'll see them together until after the scan. Once we have the scan we'll be telling everyone so wanted to make sure the parents knew first so we didn't have to wait to tell everyone else.

I would rather leave telling MIL until the morning of the scan, she'll be watching our other child while we go, it's her usual babysitting day anyway so ties in nicely.

When pregnant with DC1 we told all the parents and siblings pretty much before the test was dry at only 3.5 weeks. We SPECIFICALLY told MIL not to tell ANYONE until we'd got our heads around it and until we'd decided to let others know whether that be the 12wk scan or before, whatever we decided. She told all and sundry. Even family members she hardly spoke to. The annoying thing was that she knew she shouldn't have and kept saying that she "just told them". When we said we wanted to make sure everything was okay before letting anyone know she said oh, it'll all be fine, it doesn't matter when people know!

So now I'm reluctant to tell her in case it goes the same way...

DP was on board but now I'm telling my other parents today he wants to tell his mum.

AIBU to keep it quiet for another week and a half or should he be able to tell his mum since my parents know?

It does if your opinion isn't based on the information given.

Right Oh.

But the MIL hasn't been reading her mail. She has been told her DIL was barely 4 weeks pregnant and not to tell anyone else. She responded by telling lots and lots of people.

The MIL is unlikely to care that she was told after rather than before the scan, but is likely to have difficulty keeping the news to herself

Maybe you would feel that would be ok merry

But I'd like to bet that when mil finds out that two other sets were told quiet awhile before her will leave her feeling hurt - especially that one set isn't around much and mil is actually very much involved with her other child's child care. It's funny that op insinuates upthread she has to be careful not to upset the own parents but doesn't feel the same about her mil and that's fine but obviously her DH doesn't feel the same.

I agree weebirdie

It's unfair. I hope her DH tells his mum any way after all op is ready to tell four other people. Can't be that much of a secret

Can you not understand that a woman might not want dozens of people knowing about a pregnancy before the scan? Can you not understand that, if God forbid something goes wrong, she might not want to have comments from her MIL's neighbours and distant relations.

Well maybe she shouldn't tell four other people then and just sit on it till she has had the scan ?

You really can't understand? That someone would want share the good news with the people that they would also want the support of if something terrible happened? That someone might be fine with parents only knowing but not the extended family, friends etc?

I think all this talk of fairness is a complete red herring. It's the OP's body and they OP's right to divulge as much or as little as she chooses, to anyone she chooses, for any reasons she thinks appropriate.

Maybe you would feel that would be ok merry

The OP has said she won't care.

From the OP's posts she wants to tell her mum and can't avoid doing so as she would guess anyway, but then can't avoid telling her other parent without causing bad feeling. (I don't know but assume there is some history here). On the bright side the news will not be spread to others.

It seems that the MIL, while finding it difficult to keep a secret is, in other respects, a little more sensible than some of the posters on this thread.

It's funny that op insinuates upthread she has to be careful not to upset the own parents

Presumably because divorced couples often nurse petty grudges against each other, whereas the MIL behaves like a grown up (albeit a very chatty one).

op is ready to tell four other people. Can't be that much of a secret

Her parents - not cousin Winnie in Canada, Mrs Jones who runs the corner shop and Roy from next door.

If Mil feels hurt that she wasn't told, when she deliberately defied OP's request to keep the news to herself last time round and has therefore proven that she can't be trusted to keep the OP's medical details to herself, then perhaps she will begin to understand that her actions have consequences.

And yet again this issue of 'unfair' comes up, as if the OP's body is some kind of cake that everyone should get an equal share of.

Bollocks to fair and unfair, it's the op who is pregnant, it's her body and her medical information to share or not share as she chooses. It's her choice, no one elses.

Yes, your MIL made a mistake with the first one. Who knows why - excitement probably. But you were 3.5 weeks pregnant then. You're 10 weeks pregnant now.

You say you want the perfect announcement scenario, or however you put it, but by telling your mother and stepfather, if that's who you've told, you must have sworn them to secrecy as you haven't told your MIL yet or your father. You're now planning on telling your father and stepmother presumably so you'll have to swear them to secrecy so 4 people, two of whom aren't even the child's grandparents, know before your MIL. And they all know they know and she doesn't as you'll have to tell them to keep schtum. That makes me feel sorry for her.

The perfect announcement scenario blow up in your face if she ever finds out - and it might slip out or she might even ask them directly (what they going to do - lie?). Just tell her the same time as you tell your dad. It's not such a big deal now at 10 weeks - only a couple of weeks before you're announcing to everyone anyway.

Without a shadow of a doubt too my parents would ask me have I told the other side and would say it's unfair to hold out, no matter what's she's done. All in the interests of fairness because they would not want to have that information feeling she was excluded, even temporarily.

It's not such a big deal now at 10 weeks - only a couple of weeks before you're announcing to everyone anyway.

weebirdie annielouise and others - I miscarried my first child the day of my 13 week scan. I was told the baby had probably died a couple of weeks earlier. If I hadn't yet miscarried on the day of the scan, there would have been no heartbeat. Obviously after 13 weeks plenty of things can still go wrong, however the chance drops a lot after that.

I hadn't told anyone, even my mother - but telling them I'd miscarried when they hadn't known I was even pregnant was really hard.

I think it's important to tell people who you'd want there to support you if the news is bad - and equally, having to tell people you wouldn't have shared the news with is also really hard. I can't imagine how hard it would have been getting congratulations off some random stranger who had heard off MIL, after the miscarriage. So sorry to all of you up thread who have gone through that

YANBU. It's not unfair; what goes around comes around.