Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL about pregnancy when my parents know?

142 replies

PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 08:37

I'm 10wks and the scan is in a week and a half.

We've known since 4 weeks and I told 1 set of my parents during the week and plan on telling my other set today. I told my mum because I've been unwell with it and I see her 3+ times a week. We're telling my other parents today because it's the only time we'll see them together until after the scan. Once we have the scan we'll be telling everyone so wanted to make sure the parents knew first so we didn't have to wait to tell everyone else.

I would rather leave telling MIL until the morning of the scan, she'll be watching our other child while we go, it's her usual babysitting day anyway so ties in nicely.

When pregnant with DC1 we told all the parents and siblings pretty much before the test was dry at only 3.5 weeks. We SPECIFICALLY told MIL not to tell ANYONE until we'd got our heads around it and until we'd decided to let others know whether that be the 12wk scan or before, whatever we decided. She told all and sundry. Even family members she hardly spoke to. The annoying thing was that she knew she shouldn't have and kept saying that she "just told them". When we said we wanted to make sure everything was okay before letting anyone know she said oh, it'll all be fine, it doesn't matter when people know! Hmm

So now I'm reluctant to tell her in case it goes the same way...

DP was on board but now I'm telling my other parents today he wants to tell his mum.

AIBU to keep it quiet for another week and a half or should he be able to tell his mum since my parents know?

OP posts:
Battleshiphips · 19/07/2015 09:48

I understand why people are saying it's not fair to tell one set of parents and not the other but unfortunately OP's MIL seems to have very little respect for OP and her DH. She was specifically told last time not to mention it but did so without regard for her DIL or DS. She will still be told before anyone else. My mum found out I was pg around 2 weeks ago, MIL will be told at 12 weeks because I know that she will tell people. I am at high risk of miscarriage so I keep my pregnancies very quite until at least 12 weeks. If I knew my DM would tell people I would not tell her either.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 09:58

I think it stinks because

Mil is good enough to offer regular child care and yet two other sets are being informed of the pregnancy in secret way becore her.

Yes she has form for blabbing but seriously this isn't the birth of Christ is it? I don't see why the other set need to be told in face so every one can enjoy every one else's facial expressions Confused

It's unfair on her DH that his own mother is being left out of the circle of knowledge when she is an active part of their other child's life. The second set of parents don't seem to becaround much so why do they get more privilege?

Just don't tell second set and mil till after the scan.

I hate my mil but I think it's quite spitefull and I wouldn't do that. This could cause a thecstart of bad feeling and you will find yourself right at the center of it op . Is it really worth it for the big exclosure to your second set of parents? You might find yourself down a baby sitter after this ....

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 10:23

I think that early pregnancy is very personal and as much about the mother's health as anything else.

There are obvious reasons why somebody fearing miscarriage might want to confide in her own mother before others. As with labour, women experience this stage in many different ways and it is up to them to decide who they want to tell.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2015 10:30

Agree with tequila, it's very unfair of you to stop your Dh telling his mum, when everyone else knows. If I were your mil I'd be really hurt.

YABU

Weebirdie · 19/07/2015 10:35

Seems like an unnecessarily harsh comment from weebirdie, did you read the OP?

Yes, I did.

TeaPleaseLouise · 19/07/2015 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 19/07/2015 10:51

Yes, I get that Louise, but the OP obviously knows there is a sense of unfairness about it given that she now also wants to tell her second set of parents because one set already know.

Either tell all of them or leave it just so that mum knows.

Backforthis · 19/07/2015 10:54

If you are specifically asked not to tell anyone something and you then go out of your way to tell everyone you can, 'even family members she hardly spoke to', and when challenged over it dismiss the person's concerns, you are not going to be given sensitive information again. Actions have consequences.

PoppyFleur · 19/07/2015 10:54

OP Is your MIL generally a good person and a caring grandparent? I know you were upset with the first slip up, not nice at all but this should have been addressed at the time or since. If her only flaw is that she was very excited to be a grandparent and told people earlier than you would have liked then I think it would be harsh to tell all other parents and not her.

If MIL found out would she be upset? Does she help you a lot and would that help be missed? It feels like you are getting back at her through stealth means and not addressing her original indiscretion.

BlueStarsAtNight · 19/07/2015 11:13

YANBU.
If your MIL is upset then you can tell her exactly why you didn't say anything! It's your news to spread and she proved she can't keep her mouth shut.

dobbythedoggy · 19/07/2015 11:14

If yabu, so am I op.

I'm newly pregnant after a recent mc. I'm almost 7 weeks, and my mum has guessed that I'm pregnant again due to my morning sickness. She understands that dh and I are more nervous than excited about it at the moment. I think she's told my dad, but both will keep quiet and not talk about it unless we bring it up.

Mil on the other hand is not being told until much further down the line. Like your mil, she told all and sundry I was pregnant with dd when asked to keep quiet. The first time we saw her after telling her she was telling everyone at the bus stop! She and many members of her family are very self centered, so if something did go wrong again it would be all about how awful it was for her. We had this when dd had health problems as a baby. So at dh's surgestion we're not going to tell her until we have to, even if it means seeing less of her, not that we see her more than every 3 weeks, while I'm feeling so ill. When she does find out she'll go baby crazzy again!

Dh has told bil, who we can trust to keep quiet and is fantastic at helping out when we need it. His also told a couple of people he works with. And a mum I see regually at toddler groups guessed last week and has been helping me cover up the sickness.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 11:43

the OP obviously knows there is a sense of unfairness about it given that she now also wants to tell her second set of parents because one set already know.

Yes, but she also trusts these people not to tell others. The fact that one person won't be discreet shouldn't mean that the OP can't tell anyone.

I think people have very different perspectives on who should be told about early pregnancy. I am quite a private person and did not share the news with anyone until the 12 week scan (except obv. DH). Equally I would not be at all offended if somebody didn't tell me they were pregnant and I wouldn't care who had been told before.

On the other hand, some people want to tell everybody as soon as they POAS and are upset when others don't share the news.

Neither perspective is wrong or right, but it is as much up to the mother to decide who she wants to tell as it is her right to decide whether she wants a water birth or an epidural.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 12:33

Either tell all of them or leave it just so that mum knows

This.

It's unfair what op wants to do.

It's also a bit precious. It's a second baby not the second coming.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 12:41

Whereas I think it's precious to be all huffy about when you are told. Horses for courses.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 12:51

Meh singleing out one person from a group of grandparents is reasin to get huffy.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 12:53

Reason *

Like I said I don't even like my mil but it's a bit snidy when they use her for child care

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 12:57

I'm not keen on having things about me splatted all over the neighbourhood but once you give the info to one person you cannot control the flow.

My last child I told nobody until I was about 20 ish weeks and it was obvious for that very reason

MissDemelzaCarne · 19/07/2015 13:03

It's a second baby not the second coming Grin

LucilleBluth · 19/07/2015 13:09

Yes, I was wondering if this was the second coming or even the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard....,glad others were thinking the same. Grin

Yabu!

HungryHorace · 19/07/2015 13:20

I think YANBU.

But I think anybody getting precious about then they're told in comparison to anybody else needs to get a grip, quite frankly. Nobody even asked us - either time - who did or didn't know before them. I'm not sure they were that arsed!

MissBattleaxe · 19/07/2015 13:25

I think the MIL misbehaved and is now being punished. I actually think it's not very nice for her or the DH.

To be honest OP I think you're over thinking it and when you're trying to look after two small children at the same time in the future, the memory of who knew what first will seem very small and very far away, but the hurt you may cause by not telling MIL may last a lot longer.

We told all our parents before 12 weeks and we lost 3 babies and had 2 healthy ones. All parents were nothing but supportive and telling them or not telling didn't in the end make any difference to any outcome.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 13:32

Does it need to be the second coming of Christ for someone not to want to have to deal with the people in their comunity knowing before they are good and ready for that to happen?

There are many perfectly valid reasons for not wanting anybody who does not need to know to know.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 13:33

We told all our parents before 12 weeks and we lost 3 babies and had 2 healthy ones. All parents were nothing but supportive and telling them or not telling didn't in the end make any difference to any outcome

Some people prefer not to have to deal with others well meaning comments or sympathy or even worse blame.

MissBattleaxe · 19/07/2015 13:39

Fair comment sockmoneky.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 13:41

So in that case no one Should be told. Not just one out of three sets of grandparents.