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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell MIL about pregnancy when my parents know?

142 replies

PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 08:37

I'm 10wks and the scan is in a week and a half.

We've known since 4 weeks and I told 1 set of my parents during the week and plan on telling my other set today. I told my mum because I've been unwell with it and I see her 3+ times a week. We're telling my other parents today because it's the only time we'll see them together until after the scan. Once we have the scan we'll be telling everyone so wanted to make sure the parents knew first so we didn't have to wait to tell everyone else.

I would rather leave telling MIL until the morning of the scan, she'll be watching our other child while we go, it's her usual babysitting day anyway so ties in nicely.

When pregnant with DC1 we told all the parents and siblings pretty much before the test was dry at only 3.5 weeks. We SPECIFICALLY told MIL not to tell ANYONE until we'd got our heads around it and until we'd decided to let others know whether that be the 12wk scan or before, whatever we decided. She told all and sundry. Even family members she hardly spoke to. The annoying thing was that she knew she shouldn't have and kept saying that she "just told them". When we said we wanted to make sure everything was okay before letting anyone know she said oh, it'll all be fine, it doesn't matter when people know! Hmm

So now I'm reluctant to tell her in case it goes the same way...

DP was on board but now I'm telling my other parents today he wants to tell his mum.

AIBU to keep it quiet for another week and a half or should he be able to tell his mum since my parents know?

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 13:42

sock but with that argument why tell anybody?

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 13:43

Absolutely sockmonkey.

Also to be honest, while in the grand scheme of things the births of my children aren't that important, from my point of view they would eclipse the second coming, and I would expect every parent to think the same.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 13:48

Why tell anybody?

Because having support from the right people is more important than some perceived hierarchy of who should be told in what order.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/07/2015 13:52

I can't believe there's so much angst over who knows first and who hears last. Do people really care?

My parents were the last to know (they are divorced so the last two to know) and I told each of them over the phone.

That first person I told was my auntie at 6 weeks, then I told my sister at about 8 weeks, then I told my two best friends at 10 weeks. Once I had my scan at 12 weeks I waited another few weeks until I got my nuchal screening results through and then I told my grandparents, then we told my PIL and then I phoned my parents the next day.

Nobody asked where they fell in terms of the 'who was told first' hierarchy because I doubt they cared Grin

As an aside though, YADNBU about not telling MIL because what she did last time was really out of order!! I wouldn't be trusting her with your news until you are ready for everyone to know.

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 13:54

I wouldn't tell anybody and should I comence a relationship and become pregnant I wouldn't even disclose to the father until such time as I decided I wanted to, but that's me and I'm odd.

But I can totally understand why someone may want to tell someone that they can be certain will offer the type of support they need in the event of illness or miscarriage or still birth or even termination.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 14:00

but there is hierarchy here merry op tild her mother, then she wants to tell her second set of parents who she doesn't see that often but wants to leave her DH mother out even though she looked after her child weekly.

She is hardly getting support of the second set of parents is she?

Any way I'm off this thread - it's too nice out!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 14:10

So what?

She can be certain they will treat the news how she wishes them to and is obviously not concerned about how they will respond to anything associated with it.

She clearly is concerned about the MIL

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 14:14

Tequila, if the OP decides she wants to tell the owner of the corner shop or the milkman first for whatever reason, that is her business and her reasons are her own.

Original poster
PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 16:10

Lots of interesting perspectives.

I think the comments are a bit harsh about me thinking it's the second coming or the birth of Christ Hmm. I wouldn't care about either of those things but I care very much about my baby, second or 22nd, it doesn't matter.

FWIW my MIL is lovely, not nasty or vindictive or anything. This time we wanted to wait until we got our heads round the pregnancy, even though it was very much planned. It's only really this week that we've felt ready to tell anyone, it's been lovely keeping it to ourselves.

I am wary of telling too many people until the 12 wk scan just for peace of mind. I would love to be able to tell MIL but after the last time I have concerns. I don't want her telling people before we tell those most important to us first, after parents it'll be siblings then close friends. After that I don't care who tells who. I don't want some distant cousin putting something on Facebook before I tell my closest family. That's what I'm most scared of.

Perhaps if we tell her, we really labour the point about keeping it quiet. But we did that last time! What's another week and a half and telling her when we go for the scan?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/07/2015 16:23

You have a valid reason for not telling MiL yet.

But I think it's sad, as you're obviously close. And then you're telling Parents #2 just because you don't want the fall out.

Fair? Not so much.

Original poster
PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 16:48

When it comes to my family it's never fair! Smile Always peacekeeping!

OP posts:
Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 17:56

But DH mother can go and whistle Wink

Inertia · 19/07/2015 18:40

Yanbu. Nobody else has any rights over YOUR medical information.

The baby will belong to you and your husband, but those who insist that you must tell MIL now, when you know from experience she will tell the world, are actually insisting that you have no bodily autonomy or right to medical privacy. And it quite frankly pisses me off that in the 21st century the demands of grandparenting top trumps are regarded as more important than a pregnant woman's rights over how own body. Pregnant women are people in their own right, not just incubating vessels.

BabyBumpHopeful · 19/07/2015 18:42

I'm with you OP and luckily my DH is of the same opinion.

We're TTC at the moment and I've given a lot of thought to who "needs" to know, who would "wants" to know and in what order it should be done. FIL would keep his mouth shut for a short period but once MIL and my SILs know, everyone will know. It's all a juggling act of who to tell at what time to make sure we tell people who will keep their mouths shut long enough to tell others, and also though who feel they "should" know first.

Unlike what some people have said, it's not because I feel my pregnancy would be the second coming of christ but because there are lots of other people and their feelings involved as well. It would be my first child, IL's first grandchild, first child in my group of friends and also because we've been TTC all year (though only some people know). There would be a lot of emotion involved.

ollieplimsoles · 19/07/2015 18:48

I haven't RTFT but heres my twopennyswoth'

I told my mum over the phone as soon as the test was dry, because I knew I would be having medical tests/ blood tests, and we have a condition in our family history I needed her advice on. I told her first because she is my mum- I know I'm bringing a grandchild into the family but it was so early on I just needed her support through the 'medical' bit.

We told everyone else after the 12 week scan- including MIL, because she would (and does) only care about the baby, she isn't bothered about me.

The OP's MIL sounds the same- if she cared about her daughter in law, she would have held her tongue, also- its not her news to tell.

Tequilashotfor1 · 19/07/2015 18:49

inertia have you RTFT frenzy?

It's not about telling grandparents. It's about leave one set of grandparents out of a group of three and that grandparent actually does child care for her.

That is what is unfair. Plus her DH can tell his mother when he wants to. op has no right dictating what he can and can't say to his own mother. Would you like it if any of your kids where barred from talking to you about somthing the wanted to by a partner. If it was a reverse and it was a bloke - the op would be getting called controlling

Nolim · 19/07/2015 19:03

It's about leave one set of grandparents out of a group of three and that grandparent actually does child care for her.

And that grandparent has not respected the boundaries of information previously. That is relevant.

Backforthis · 19/07/2015 19:04

When someone has proven themselves totally unable to keep their mouth shut over exactly this issue the last time they were trusted, they lose any right to be told. If you totally disregard the wishes of the person entrusting you with personal information why on earth would they trust you again? The MIL didn't accidentally tell someone, she told lots of people having been asked not to and wasn't even slightly apologetic about it. If it was the OP's mother who had acted like this I would say exactly the same.

GertrudeBell · 19/07/2015 19:20

I think excluding your MIL from the announcement is a spectacularly hurtful and disproportationately harsh way of making your point about her indiscretion last time around. Especially given that she's very close - and you seem to rely on her for childcare.

If you insist on playing these games, I would expect it to affect future relations. Your MIL would be entirely justified in feeling extremely upset and distancing herself from you and your DH.

It's up to you whether you think it is worth it.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/07/2015 19:26

You have good reason to hold out telling your mil until after the scan. Can't understand for the life of me why you'd tell others first though, that's out of order.
We told everyone together and extended family found out from each other.
You don't have to tell everyone individually or make grand announcements.

Original poster
PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 19:28

Totally agree that it's a juggling act with who to tell when.

I am not dictating to my DP that we don't tell his mum. We have discussed it in depth, if he was upset at not telling her then that would have come out in our (several) discussions and he would freely tell his mum. After posting this morning I asked him again and said maybe we should hold off telling parents #2 and he said absolutely not because of how they probably would react, based on previous experience, if they found out we waited a significant length of time to tell them after telling parents #1. I again brought up telling his mum sooner then and he said we don't need to just now based on what happened before. If he tells her tomorrow then so be it.

I wondered IAWBU since my parents know but there's a good reason for not telling MIL just yet. It's not out of spite, as I've said before if the same had happened with either of my parents previously then I would consider the same. Or anyone at all for that matter. I'm trying to do what's best for my family without the added stress on top. If anything shows up negatively at the scan I don't want to have to explain to all and sundry and, to me, that's the crux of it.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:31

Would you like it if any of your kids where barred from talking to you about somthing the wanted to by a partner.

If for instance my future DIL was worried about having a miscarriage and didn't want to tell anybody except her own mother about her pregnancy, I would be very sympathetic. There are aspects of pregnancy that are very much about the mother's health and are private and would be none of my business.

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2015 19:33

If I were your MiL I would be hurt at the 'all and sundry'. If she doesn't find out that she's the last of the GPs to find out then all is fine anyway.

The fact that you're more worried about a fall out from a clearly bolshier set of GPs (DF and Stepmother?) than her is where your decision is based.

Why did you ask?

Original poster
PearTree201 · 19/07/2015 19:36

I was not saying she was all and sundry, I was referring to the people who were told when we specifically asked not to tell anyone.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:37

If anything shows up negatively at the scan I don't want to have to explain to all and sundry and, to me, that's the crux of it.

That is perfectly reasonable and absolutely your choice. Neither of our parents knew nor cared when the other grandparents had been told - they were just happy to have another grandchild.