To not tell MIL about pregnancy when my parents know?

[PearTree201]

I'm 10wks and the scan is in a week and a half.

We've known since 4 weeks and I told 1 set of my parents during the week and plan on telling my other set today. I told my mum because I've been unwell with it and I see her 3+ times a week. We're telling my other parents today because it's the only time we'll see them together until after the scan. Once we have the scan we'll be telling everyone so wanted to make sure the parents knew first so we didn't have to wait to tell everyone else.

I would rather leave telling MIL until the morning of the scan, she'll be watching our other child while we go, it's her usual babysitting day anyway so ties in nicely.

When pregnant with DC1 we told all the parents and siblings pretty much before the test was dry at only 3.5 weeks. We SPECIFICALLY told MIL not to tell ANYONE until we'd got our heads around it and until we'd decided to let others know whether that be the 12wk scan or before, whatever we decided. She told all and sundry. Even family members she hardly spoke to. The annoying thing was that she knew she shouldn't have and kept saying that she "just told them". When we said we wanted to make sure everything was okay before letting anyone know she said oh, it'll all be fine, it doesn't matter when people know!

So now I'm reluctant to tell her in case it goes the same way...

DP was on board but now I'm telling my other parents today he wants to tell his mum.

AIBU to keep it quiet for another week and a half or should he be able to tell his mum since my parents know?

yanbu.

we have told my parents, told them at 6 weeks as like you I see them a lot and am quite sick so couldn't hide it.

MIL is mad and would tell the world and will flip her lid about it so right now we are seriously considering keeping it quiet until the 20 week scan! I have told a couple of close friends since the 12 week scan but my extended family and the world at large don't know - easier to achieve in the summer holidays as I can hide away at home!

in your particular situation I think its completely reasonable not to want to tell her as she proved last time she cant respect your request to keep it quiet for a bit.

I don't understand people saying YABU.

She proved last time she can't keep it quiet. She has to live with the consequences of her actions and unfortunately, so does your DH.

We were choosing today to tell set #2 as we very rarely see them when we're altogether so it made sense (to us) to tell them as I have no idea when we will see them after the scan. They will be very annoyed/upset/unreasonable if they find out other parents (incl MIL) found out before them. I do not want to deal with that having dealt with it for years I now go put my way to not put ourselves in that situation.

I don't think this is a case of reasonable or unreasonable.

It's a tough one because ideally you should be able to treat both sides of the family the same.

But if you have one person who can respect your choice and keep quiet, and one person who will be broadcasting to the world knowing full well it's not what you want, it gets more complicated.

People have to take responsibility for what they do, and if going against your wishes in the past has meant you now wait longer to tell her something like this, she can't really blame you or say it's favouritism to your family. She has to understand it's because you asked her not to tell anybody and she ignored you and told everybody.

If your husband is the one who wants to tell people face to face, I'd stick with that.

And there is a difference between "I want to tell Mum right now" and "I wish we could tell Mum right now" too.

If it were the first, I think you might have to agree to him telling her. If it's the second, it sounds like he's still keeping to the decision to tell her after the scan because he knows it's the right one, but he wishes she were as trustworthy as your side of the family so that she could be told at the same time.

I don't think yabu to not tell mil until the scan. She's obviously a blabber mouth.
But agree with others that if your dh feels strongly about telling her then that's up to him. Not fair to forbid him.
Personally I would be saying to dh that if he wants to tell her we can, but if she betrays your confidence again then you will have to sit down and have it out with her. I would be telling her that unless she keeps it to herself she won't be finding out anything personal from you ever again. If she's as nosey and gossipy as she sounds this might prompt her to keep schtum? Sounds like your dh is very aware though, and he may realise on these terms that keeping it from her another week or so might be the best thing for family harmony!

Yanbu - what Why said ^

It makes sense to tell them (all other parents) after the scan but logistically that won't work. I'm going put for dinner with my siblings the day after the scan and will not be drinking so do not want to hide it any longer.

Yanbu given her record on keepung her mouth shut.

My mum told people before I had my first scan and so did dp's. If I ever have another baby I'm keeping it to just me and dp for as long as I can!

As long as you and DH agree it really doesn't matter.

Your MIL is reaping what she has sown, your DH can lead that choice.

The only niggle you really have is making a decision to placate one set of parents. In an ideal world you'd sod them too!

But in the grand scheme of things it really does not matter. Just don't let it spoil your enjoyment.

Hygge yes, that's exactly it. If we could tell everyone at roughly the same time and they all respected our wishes to keep quiet then fine but it doesn't work like that and I have to take into consideration everyone's responses last time as that's all I've got to go on.

If it was my mum who blabbed then we would do the same thing and tell his and not mine. I'm reacting based on the person and doing all we can to have a easy life!

Thank you all. Weighing it all up it appears IANBU. If DP was insistent and upset that we weren't telling his mum then I would rethink my stance. We'll go with the flow and see what happens.

You could say your on antibiotics at the meal.

YANBU to not to want to tell MIL for the reasons you have given but YABU to want to tell your other parents also before her. I Hate my mil but I would dont do this as it's not fair your DH. you can cause massive upset where it's just not needed. Is a two second facial reaction really that important to you? It seems a bit precious.

Well you won't have an easy life when she finds out you actively told all the other parents way before her!

YANBU. I am 7+2 with my first. We have an early scan booked next weekend and are planning to tell my parents after that. DH's parents will not be told until 12 weeks. They don't have form in the same way that your MIL does but they can't be trusted with other news, my SIL never gets to tell us anything as MIL has already told us first. So I don't want to risk telling them yet.

I think you are overthinking this a bit. It's a second pregnancy which is a lot less newsworthy just wait until you get to the forth

I think I'd just tell everyone straight away if it were me but ask you DH to tell his DM not to gossip. Give her very, very clear instructions.

Its horrible not to let your husbands Mum know at the same time as your parents. She's good enough to babysit for you but not good enough to share your news with till later? It stinks.

You can easily disguise not drinking and feeling ill if you wanted to.

I agree weebirdie

YADNBU!

My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. When I fell pregnant again I wanted to keep it quiet but DH insisted on telling his mum. I miscarried again. His mum decided to contact one of my BILs and tell him "oh, poor Welsh and Mr Weldh have had some TRAGIC news, it's awful, weep weep" but refused to tell him what had happened do if course he rang us in a panic and we had to tell him about the MC, he was very upset as he was a lovely uncle to DD, I got very upset as it all happened the day I'd been for my scan to confirm everything had'passed'. I will never forgive the melodramatic attention seeking bitch. She was pretty much the last to find out I was expecting DS. If we ever have another one, I may not bother telling her at all.

In the circumstances YANBU. If she is upset she is upset.

Doesn't stink at all Wee - she has a track record for blabbing. Op has already said if it was anyone else she would react in the same way.

Oh Welsh I'm so sorry you went through that

YANBU. She has no right to be upset given her blatant disregard for your wishes last time.

Tell your parents (the second set) whenever you want. They didn't blab to anyone last time.

Sounds like your DH wishes he could tell his mum rather than feeling v strongly about it. So the right thing to do is definitely to wait until after 12 week scan.

Seems like an unnecessarily harsh comment from weebirdie, did you read the OP?!

If you say something to DH like, "I can't stop you doing what you feel you need to do. You know how disappointed we were that she told the news to so many people last time, so early in the pregnancy. But you have to make your own choice." He might well have a think and decide not to tell them. If you continue with the line that you (utterly justifiably IMO) don't want the PILs to know, he'll be defensive and argue that he should tell them.