To not tell MIL about pregnancy when my parents know?

[PearTree201]

I'm 10wks and the scan is in a week and a half.

We've known since 4 weeks and I told 1 set of my parents during the week and plan on telling my other set today. I told my mum because I've been unwell with it and I see her 3+ times a week. We're telling my other parents today because it's the only time we'll see them together until after the scan. Once we have the scan we'll be telling everyone so wanted to make sure the parents knew first so we didn't have to wait to tell everyone else.

I would rather leave telling MIL until the morning of the scan, she'll be watching our other child while we go, it's her usual babysitting day anyway so ties in nicely.

When pregnant with DC1 we told all the parents and siblings pretty much before the test was dry at only 3.5 weeks. We SPECIFICALLY told MIL not to tell ANYONE until we'd got our heads around it and until we'd decided to let others know whether that be the 12wk scan or before, whatever we decided. She told all and sundry. Even family members she hardly spoke to. The annoying thing was that she knew she shouldn't have and kept saying that she "just told them". When we said we wanted to make sure everything was okay before letting anyone know she said oh, it'll all be fine, it doesn't matter when people know!

So now I'm reluctant to tell her in case it goes the same way...

DP was on board but now I'm telling my other parents today he wants to tell his mum.

AIBU to keep it quiet for another week and a half or should he be able to tell his mum since my parents know?

merrymouse MIL fits into that camp, much more laidback than my family! Everything's a competition with my parents which is rather tiresome!

To me, YANBU because you are not singling out your MIL not to be told due to her being your MIL but because you want it to be a secret that she has proven herself unable to keep.
I think, if you plan a nice way of telling her, it doesn't matter that you waited. You could give her a little card with the scan photo in or something.

I can see why DH would like her to know. Any why you would too but, if you want a secret keeping, you don't tell people who can't keep secrets. Simple.

Yes, it seems to me that some think it's due to her being my MIL and I'm not "letting" DP tell her. It's nothing to do with the fact she's my MIL and all to do with what happened the last time.

I would hope DS wouldn't need explicitly barring but would respect his future partner's boundaries about what she was happy for me to know about early pregnancy and labor.

I'd like to be trusted by both, but I wouldn't like a dil to be uncomfortable about what I knew about her medical details.

Yes I have RTFT Tequila.

That grandparent has already proven that she has absolutely zero respect for the OP's privacy - why on earth does the OP have to share her personal and confidential medical information with someone who has demonstrated a point blank refusal to do as she'd been asked and keep the news to herself?

If my daughters were married, then of course there is no way I'd expect to know the medical details of their husband's genito-urinary health! And if I had sons , I wouldn't expect to know the details of their partner's reproductive health either - if they became pregnant, I would absolutely respect their right to share their medical information however they saw fit. Because as a grandparent it wouldn't be about me.

The father of the baby starts to have parental responsibility once the baby is born- that's when he gets to make decisions about the baby. Every decision that is made now is about the pregnant woman- her health, her medical details, her right to medical confidentiality and bodily autonomy.

And frankly, if I were the MIL who'd told the world and his dog the OP's private medical details last time round, I'd be bloody grateful they were still willing to speak to me and involve me never mind getting on any high horses about the order of sharing news.

To the posters who think IABU not telling her, do you think that we should tell her because she's DP's mum and therefore we should disregard the reason why we're apprehensive of telling her as she disregarded our wishes previously to keep our news private? I'm genuinely interested if you think I'm overreacting or whatever and it doesn't matter what happened before.

OP it sounds like you and your DH have agreed on what is best for you both and for your families. With that in mind I think you should stop worrying about what a bunch of MNers think! Just stick with what you've decided (tell your DF & DSM now, and your PILs after the 12 week scan) and all will be fine!
Congrats and good luck with the pregnancy btw

If either of your parents told when asked not to YWBU to tell them and not MIL. If they can keep stum and she didn't then I think it is entirely reasonable to wait to tell her when you are ok with extended family and friends knowing. You want to be told secrets? Then keep them secret.

Thanks AnotherEmma

YANBU. I wouldn't tell anyone who had a history of blabbing until I was ready for the whole world to know.

I think that the people insisting it's unfair wouldn't be saying a word if it were your mother who had behaved the way and you'd decided not to tell her yet as a result.

I understand why you told your DM. I understand why you are cautious about telling your MiL (is there no chance of making sure she keeps quiet this time?)

It's telling the others (because you're scared of the fallout) before you tell MiL I have a problem with.

But you and your DH are already agreed so I don't see why you've asked what the problem is.

How upset would you be this time if she told everyone again? Because she probably will. And you would be very, very silly to tell her and then be upset when she blabbed, since you've already been shown once that this is highly likely.

Nannyogg, why should the OP feel obliged to deny herself support from family members who she trusts to keep the news private? If OP sees her own mother regularly and is exhibiting typical pregnancy symptoms, there's every chance she'd have figured it out. Is OP them supposed to lie just so Granny Flappermouth doesn't have her nose put out of joint?

I just cannot understand why some people genuinely seem to believe that becoming pregnant turns a woman's body into public property over which others have jurisdiction.

I would have just told them all at the same time.
In fact I did. Very early on even before the scan.
Things can go wrong at any time and I would rather have everyone's love & support (if God forbid anything did) than have people asking if I was alright and not being able to say anything and keep it inside.
If you don't want other people to know then you shouldn't tell anyone.
Can't help it when people get excited and want to shout from the roof tops the exciting news.

But if something had gone wrong, would you also have wanted to share all the details with distant members of your mother in law's family and the people at the bus stop ?

Is it really too much to ask a fully grown adult to keep her daughter in laws personal medical information private ? In this case it clearly was, which is why op doesn't want to get burned a second time .

OP the more I read your posts the more sorry for you I feel, as you seem to be dealing with some vastly different people, who are likely to behave in vastly different but equally unreasonable ways.

1st Set of Parents: Had to be told because you were ill, you see them regularly, they would have worked it out. They can be trusted to respect your wishes. You and your husband are in agreement on this.

2nd Set of Parents: Will be told shortly, because you don't often see them in person and this will be your best opportunity. They are likely to take offence at being told last, and this will cause some issues between them and you, but they can still be trusted to respect your wishes. Telling them now was your DH's idea, as he wants to tell everybody face to face as well as manage the potential upset they might cause at being told after your first set of parents.

MIL: Will be told in just a week and a half, believes it doesn't matter when people find out your news, but can't be trusted to respect your wishes and wait until you are ready to do it yourselves. Your DH wishes she could be told earlier, but agrees that she can't because of her past behaviour.

You can't treat all these people the same, because they are not the same. They won't react or behave in the same way, so for the minimum stress on you, you and your DH have agreed a plan between you to manage the situation in the best way for you both.

And as you don't see one set of parents all that often, I imagine the logistics of getting them all together at the same time so they all find out at the exact same moment would not be easy.

I said before, to me it sounds like your husband wishes things were different with his mother, but fully understands and accepts why they are not.

I imagine you wish your second set of parents would behave differently too, but you understand that they won't.

Having a difficult family member, or gossipy family member, or one that's quick to take offence is hard work. I learned to my cost that trying to keep a difficult person happy at the expense of your own feelings is not possible.

So I think if you and your DH are in agreement, even if you both wish things could be different, sticking to your plan is the best idea.

I think if you are telling all of your parents then it's only right and fair to tell her too. Just ask your DP to remind her firmly that she does not have permission to tell the rest of the family until after the scan and that you will be furious if she does.

"Its horrible not to let your husbands Mum know at the same time as your parents. She's good enough to babysit for you but not good enough to share your news with till later? It stinks.'

I despair of AIBU. Mil is indiscrete so of course y are not bu to wait until you are ready. However I do agree that things can still go wrong after the 12 week scan therefore it's not a "all clear" in all cases, fixating on the 12 mark is not necessarily helpful.

OP, it doesn't matter when you tell mil, it is nobody's business. By all means protect yourself and your family from potential gossip due to mil"s loose tongue. You are an adult, you don't need strangers who have completely different lives and contexts to tell you what is the right thing to do. Especially as IABU posters mainly just project and mostly don't read or comprehend the OP. Good luck.

I would urge you not to tell her. Im sure everything will go fine for you, but having to 'untell' people when something goes wrong makes a nightmare situation so much worse. We told people too early the first time and in her excitement my mum told everyone even the woman behind the counter at her local shop! We had people we hardly knew congratulating us weeks after we had our loss, it caused so much extra hurt. It is ok to be selfish just for a few weeks. I'm sure once you do tell her she will be thrilled and it won't matter when she found out :)

that grandparent has already proven that she has absolutely zero respect for the OP's privacy

And yet the OP doesnt seem worried about Grandma having no respect for her privacy when she's babysitting the children in the OP's house.

The more the OP posts the more its obvious that she expects her husband to be understanding of her reasons for telling her parents including being bullied into telling her dad and stepmum because she's afraid of the fallout if she doesn't.

I think the OP is saying no to her MIL knowing because the MIL is an easy target, and as I said earlier the OP doesnt seem to be worried too much about privacy if she's happy for her MIL to have access to her drawers and opened mail etc when she's at her house.

I think the OP just wants to have a bee in her bonnet about something and this is it.

if she's happy for her MIL to have access to her drawers and opened mail etc when she's at her house.

Presumably the OP doesn't think her MIL does any of these things.

You seem to misunderstand the problem. The MIL is unlikely to care that she was told after rather than before the scan, but is likely to have difficulty keeping the news to herself.

As posted several times on this thread, many people do not like to share news of early pregnancy with distant relatives and acquaintances because:

1. they are just getting used to the idea themselves.
2. they want to share the news with e.g. Siblings in person before they find out on social media.
3. they don't want to be forced into sharing bad news with people they wouldn't have told about the pregnancy anyway.

That is their choice. It's not as though the OP is waiting months to tell her MIL - just a few days.

You seem to misunderstand the problem

Not having the same opinion as you doesn't mean Ive misunderstood the 'problem'.