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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact ex about DC's?

56 replies

Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 19:53

My DC's are currently living with their grandparents (my parents).

ExH lives in a different part of the country and doesn't make much effort to see or speak to them. He has told our DC's he will see them over the summer holidays but over a month has gone past since DM and DDad have had any communication with him.

While I am loathe to contact him to ask him to contact his own children, I'm wondering if I should?

On the one hand I feel it's important for it to be his responsibility to contact and see them. On the other hand he is so useless as a father I feel like if I don't push him he might let the relationship he has with his children die and I don't want that to happen, for their sake, not his.

Wibu to chase him to get in touch with them? Or should I slowly let him fade himself out of their lives? I feel like if I don't push him they might be angry at me in the future for not trying harder to make him get in touch with them :(

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 16/07/2015 19:57

Leave it. You can't force him to stop being a dick.

ApologiseForAnotherDay · 16/07/2015 19:58

You can't force him to be involved unfortunately. Perhaps you could write to him, then you can tell the DCs you tried, but it's really not your responsibility.

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:03

Eh? Your DCs live with their GPs - so not living with you? And you're chasing their DDad to see them more? How often do YOU see them, OP? And how old are they?

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:07

I see them as often as I can stocking, and I phone them most days. I would see them more but I live very far away and don't drive so finances only allow once a month or so - he has not spoken to or seen them since the beginning of May. But this isn't a competition between me and him, it's about maintaining a good relationship with our children, which I do have but I'm worried he is losing. They are 9 & 8.

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:13

Confused Sorry but I think YABU. You only see them once a month. You aren't RP and so you don't have a leg to stand on. It seems your poor DCs have been abandoned at their GCs by the pair of you. Sad

woowoo22 · 16/07/2015 20:26

Way to judge Stocking. You don't know the reasons why the DCs are with the GPs.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:26

Err no, not at all. Maybe try living my life and knowing my circumstances before you judge me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:27

Thank you woowoo.

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:32

No I don't, but if OP is going to drip feed then I can only go on info given and based on that, OP IBU.

This is AIBU, you asked, I gave my opinion. I doubt I'll be the only one saying YABU.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:39

I'm not drip feeding, I don't plan on give the reasons why they aren't currently living with me and it's not especially relevent to the Aibu I asked, which by the way you never actually answered.

My Aibu was should I chase the DC's father to make contact with them?

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 16/07/2015 20:41

YABU, worry about your own relationship with your children and let him do the same, you cannot force someone to be a parent or show an interest in their children.

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:44

I did: YABU. You only see them once a month but have the audacity to say he doesn't see them often enough? As you are also a NRP it is, quite frankly, none of your business.

PurpleSwift · 16/07/2015 20:47

So because op doesn't live with her children it means she doesn't have the right to be concerned about them? Hmm
Yanbu to be concerned OP but I'd leave it. It's his job.

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:48

She has a right to be concerned, but she has no right to interfere considering her own lack of contact with them.

PurpleSwift · 16/07/2015 20:50

She speaks to them most days. Nrp or not she is STILL a parent.

Even if this where different and she did live with her children I'd still recommend not contacting him.

woowoo22 · 16/07/2015 20:50

You don't know WHY she only sees them once a month Stocking, there could be a myriad of reasons.

FWIW the OP in all likelihood feels shit enough about it anyway without being judged to the nth degree. Empathy would not go amiss.

Elllimam · 16/07/2015 20:53

I think if your parents are raising the children it's up to them (and obviously the children themselves) if they want to chase contact with the father.

Moreisnnogedag · 16/07/2015 20:53

Fuck Stocking rein it in why don't you? I can off the top of my head think of half a dozen reasons why someone may choose to have their dc live with grandparents for the children's best interest. So because OP isn't a RP (who seems to have a good relationship with her kids) she's not allowed to worry about them overall??

Those judgy pants'll be the death of you...

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:56

Exactly woowoo. If it were at all possible I would see them more often but it isn't right now unfortunately.

I don't think stocking has any empathy unless you are a RP. Apparently only they deserve it.

What lack of contact Stocking? So just because I'm not physically in the same space as them everyday I somehow lose my ability to care about them? And yes, it is my business how often their father makes an effort to see them, just as it would be if I was a RP.

OP posts:
DoJo · 16/07/2015 20:56

Perhaps you could contact him and tell him that you won't be chasing him any more - that if he wants to have a relationship with them he needs to be the one who organises it and that they deserve him to take an interest in their lives. That way you have made it clear that you are placing the responsibility for this on him without just letting things slide with no warning.

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:57

I quite clearly stated that of course she has a right to be concerned. I just don't think she has a leg to stand on when it comes to possibly berating her ex for his lack of contact.

The double standards on here are quite immense...

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 20:58

Elllimam, I did actually speak to DM about it earlier and she feels as conflicted as I do about it.

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 20:59

FWIW I'd also tell your ex he was BU if he posted on here asking the same thing. IMO it is up to the people who are raising the DC to manage relationships with NRP/NRPs.

Elllimam · 16/07/2015 21:00

While of course you have a right to be concerned as the children's mother, as you are not seeing them as much it might be worthwhile discussing the situation with your parents? They might have some insights on how the children feel about it or how the react to seeing their dad.

Elllimam · 16/07/2015 21:01

Ah sorry cross post there