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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact ex about DC's?

56 replies

Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 19:53

My DC's are currently living with their grandparents (my parents).

ExH lives in a different part of the country and doesn't make much effort to see or speak to them. He has told our DC's he will see them over the summer holidays but over a month has gone past since DM and DDad have had any communication with him.

While I am loathe to contact him to ask him to contact his own children, I'm wondering if I should?

On the one hand I feel it's important for it to be his responsibility to contact and see them. On the other hand he is so useless as a father I feel like if I don't push him he might let the relationship he has with his children die and I don't want that to happen, for their sake, not his.

Wibu to chase him to get in touch with them? Or should I slowly let him fade himself out of their lives? I feel like if I don't push him they might be angry at me in the future for not trying harder to make him get in touch with them :(

OP posts:
StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 21:02

Maybe your ex has decent reasons for not seeing the DCs often, do you know his circumstances -maybe he has similar reasons to you? Money or job constraints? Or maybe he's just an arse. Who knows.

Lweji · 16/07/2015 21:04

I'd definitely leave it. They clearly have people who love them and care for them.
They don't need a father who has to be forced to see them. They will know it.
And if you chase him up its possible he will avoid it even more.

Depending on how old the children are, I'd let them contact him if they wish.

InTheBox · 16/07/2015 21:09

I'd leave it be if I were you OP. You can't make him take any interest and you cannot change his actions or lack thereof. Just focus on the situation you are in now and develop your own relationship with your DCs.
Tbh, based on what you've written I doubt your DCs will resent you for having not made their father a more visible presence in their lives.

Lweji · 16/07/2015 21:14

Neither you nor the resident carers are responsible for his relationship with the children.
All you have to do is not prevent it. The rest is 100% with him.

bestguess23 · 16/07/2015 21:15

Just out of interest, would your responses all be the same if the OP was the RP? I don't think living separately reduces her right to hold her xdp to account? He's made promises to his dcs that haven't been kept, why can't she ask what he's playing at?

Lweji · 16/07/2015 21:21

How are you going to hold another adult accountable for contact?
How will you even enforce it?
You simply can't make them and chasing them up can only lead to broken promises, heartache and hassle for the one chasing it.

If anything, make it hard on him. It may work better.

bestguess23 · 16/07/2015 21:23

Holding someone to account doesn't equate to making them do something. Why can't she ask why he's being useless? It may not achieve anything but it also might.

SiobhanSharpe · 16/07/2015 21:24

If he has said he will see them over to he summer holidays, which are nearly upon us, I don't think YWBU to get in touch to ask him for details about the contact, you could say it is on your parents' behalf. I'm sure they (yr DPs) would like to know what his plans are, too. And then you can rest a little easier about it, in the knowledge that you have at least tried to get him to step up..

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 21:24

Does OP know what the agreed contact schedule with ex and DCs is? If so does OP know why this has been broken, if indeed it has? Perhaps ex has issues in his life that he feels are not OPs business.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 21:29

Stocking, as far as I know (based on what he told me last time we spoke), he has some money difficulties as his hours at work have been reduced. Fair enough, I can understand how hard that is. So he currently has a lot of free time, which is why I can't understand why he doesn't even bother to call and speak to them.

But I can't force him, nor would I want to. I want him to be a father to them, I've always wanted that and to be honest I'm not entirely surprised since he wasn't even a good father when we were together. I'm just sad for the DC's. I don't want him to start trying to have a relationship with them when years have passed and it's too late :(

I have so much guilt surrounding the DC's and the whole situation am I desperate to do anything I can to make their lives as good as possible and since I am their mother whether RP or not I still feel responsible for facilitating their relationship with him as much as I can.

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 16/07/2015 21:32

Its such a tough one.

My XH glibbly tells the DC's things. He then doesn't see the implications and expectations created as a result of his actions.

I made the decission not to chase but to raise with him when he lets he DC down by a broken promise at the time he makes the next promise i.e. If he misses this holiday but then promises next time i'd say can we set a date in the calendar for that please or if thats not possble please could you realise the disappointment you create in empty promises.

In the early days i smoothed his path a little too much, built him a pedestal even though he had the affair, emptied the bank and just dissapeared leaving me and the DC with no conversation or explanation. It doesn't help the DC to have too much masking of character, just sets them up for a bigger let down.

StockingFullOfCoal · 16/07/2015 21:36

Perhaps he can't afford his phone bill? I've had times when I've been too skint to pay my bill and have been cut off, or haven't been able to afford a top up, although I suppose he could use the free Library internet to send emails if that is the case...

FWIW my ex sees DCs EOW but in between he doesn't contact them at all despite my constant encouragement. Meh. You just can't get through to some blokes.

wannabestressfree · 16/07/2015 21:36

Sorry with stocking. I don't feel you have the right in your position- especially as you won't go into why- to hold your ex into account. Leave it to the people bringing them up.

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 21:43

I'm sorry but I really can't go into why right now, not trying to hide anything but it is massively traumatic for me (I may have ptsd as a result) and I find it very hard to talk about without breaking down.

Stocking, he definately 100% has access to a computer and Internet so he could send messages that way if no other way. I actually paid for his phone for almost a whole year (contract was in my name) so he could speak to the DC's, now that contract has expired he uses his gf's phone. So he definately has access to one.

I know you probably won't agree but I personally feel that I do still have a part to play in bringing them up, if not quite the same with the every day things.

OP posts:
AnImpalaCalledBABY · 16/07/2015 21:49

YABU

how is it ok for you to judge him for not having enough contact when you only seeing them once a month is ok? I'm sure you have valid reasons for your lack of contact but perhaps he does do? It's seems very hypocritical to me

Original poster
Sinkingships · 16/07/2015 22:01

I've already said that I understand if he can't get to physically see them due to lack of money as I have the same issue. However, to me, not contacting them AT ALL in such a long period of time is unacceptable and something I would never do.

He has seen them twice this year. I have seen them more than triple that amount, used skype/FaceTime etc to read them bedtime stories, phoned and talked to them and to GP's about any issues they have regularly. Like I said, it isn't a competition but as far as I'm concerned twice in 6 months and sporadic phone contact isn't good enough.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/07/2015 22:50

Even DS's dad in another country manages almost weekly contact with him via skype.

As you said, he was never a good dad, so I wouldn't expect him to start being one now.

By all means reach out to him, or ask him when he will see them over Summer, for the sake of coordinating visits, but don't be disappointed.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 16/07/2015 23:06

I feel for you sinkingships you are obviously going through a bad time and it would be nice if your Ex could step up and help make what is probably a crappy situation all round a bit better. I don't see any reason why you can't contact him and ask him to up his contact for the benefit of the children.

The only risk I see is that he might increase contact for a bit but then drop off the radar again which I'm not sure would be helpful to your dc's

aprilanne · 17/07/2015 03:37

I don't understand why op doesnt go and live with the children at her parents house .if she has ptsd think how the children will feel later on having been abandoned by both parents .sorry this is the teapot calling the kettle black .you can't leave small children then moan about your ex doing the same .reading to them by Skype what a bloody shame

wannaBe · 17/07/2015 04:53

so, we must judge a man who doesn't have enough contact with his children but be understanding of a woman who leaves them with her parents, moves hundreds of miles away and only sees them once a month? Riiight. Hmm

Fwiw I judge anyone who abandons their children and moves hundreds of miles away from them be they man or woman.

We are living in a new generation of children who have the ability to communicate more regularly with friends/family. It will be interesting to know when this generation of children grow up whether we will have adults saying "we didn't live with our parents, but that was ok, we had skype and facetime." Skype and facetime do not a relationship make. Anyone who conducts their relationship with their children via skype and facetime has lost the moral high ground in terms of judgement.

These children do not have a resident parent. it is likely they will resent both of their parents when they grow up, but have an especially good relationship with their grandparents.

riveravon23 · 17/07/2015 05:25

OP, I am so sorry you have been through the trauma of having your children removed from your care by SS (read previous posts of yours). It must be agony for you.

I am a foster carer (and so in someways in your parent's position). And although of course you care very much for your children, I do think perhaps it is your parents who may know the day to day thoughts and feelings of your children best now. For instance children I have been looking after for several years now, see their mum about once a month like you, and she, I have no doubt, loves and cares for her children very much. However, she tries to dictate who sees her children and when, what they do and when, and although she means well, she no longer knows them as she once did and that once a month face to face just isn't enough for her to know them as intimately as she once did. So I wonder if you could ask your parents their thoughts on the children seeing their father more. I should also say this mother does also criticise their father for having a little less contact with her children than see does. And I often think this is a little unfair of her.

I wish you and your children well. I suppose if I had any advice for you, it would be to concentrate on your own relationship with your children, and let their father concentrate on his. That is really the most important thing so put all your attention and energy into that (which you probably do anyway). And, as I say, ask your parents, if the children ask or seem concerned that their father does not see them quite as much as you. What the children say when they see you may not be quite the same as what they say to their grandparents each day. Good luck.

Atenco · 17/07/2015 05:38

Letting aside your own relationship with your children, it is so impossible to change someone else, OP, hard enough to change ourselves. My dd's father was totally irresponsible and did not defend him though I tried not to be too critical of him either.

It must be so hard not to be with your children, OP, I hope things improve for you all.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/07/2015 06:56

I think there would be no harm in a text/email to him saying "x mentioned you plan to see the children over the summer holidays. Y is looking forward to it. Can you let me/mum know when you had in mind so we can make our own plans?"

Tanith · 17/07/2015 07:18

For Heaven's sake, you lot! Have a bit of imagination and empathy.

Has it occurred to you that the Op's circumstances might prevent more contact? That she might be in hospital, in residential therapy, in prison? That she might have been ill?

She may be working in a situation that makes it impossible to have the children with her.

There are so many reasons why she is in this situation that she clearly wishes were otherwise. She doesn't have to tell us the ins and outs of her life!

Op, I agree that you can't force him and that you've done your best. He is unfortunately his own person. Thankfully your parents are there for them and for you.

Topseyt · 17/07/2015 08:53

I was just about to post similar to Tanith, but she has put it very well.

Some of you are being VERY judgy, unempathetic and frankly ridiculous.

OP hasn't given her exact circumstances, but we can surely all use an ounce of intelligence here! Can't we? Well, some of us can.

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