Or is Dh - evening meals

[CarolPeletier]

Dh decided to become vegan about a year ago. I have tried desperately hard to make interesting and tasty family meals but am really struggling.

Many of the recipes I find take ages and I have three small children so need quick and easy meals. It also dictates the rest of us either eat vegan every night or I make two meals.

Last night was the last straw. I made spag bol with soy mince, quorn has egg in. He complained it was too chewy and my cooking had gone down hill. I informed him it was my limited ingredients which has made my cooking, and meals for the whole family, go downhill.

I make homemade curries, tagines, skewers, pies, stews, warm salads... I'm no chef but feel I make an effort. Wibu to tell him to either eat dairy again or cook himself?? I am a sahm so feel pressure to put a meal on the table for when he walks in.

Brandysnapper
as another poster said, we could all be vegan if someone else did all the hard work for us!

And yet it sounds like you are making separate vegetarian meals to your dh/not taking advantage of his vegan cooking:

My dh has recently become vegan (I am veggie) and he is doing his own cooking.

Jesus, that sounds like really hard work and Im someone who loves cooking and spending time in the kitchen.

I think the time has come to tell your husband there will be vegan meals twice a week and the rest of the time he has to sort himself out. And I would put money on him finding him another way to make your life all about him.

Holy shit, a 6mth old baby, terrible twos and the horror of the school run, plus a husband whose dinner has to be on the table when he comes home. I feel for you OP, its must be grinding you down no end.

In answer to your AIBU, no your husband is and in this house he would get a short fucking shrift.

"The horror of the school run". Get a grip.

Some practical suggestions:

Batch cook soup for him to have as a starter, then you can make a meal with a meat component that only you and the DC eat.

Mezze is mostly vegan, you can have meat options for the omnivorous members of the family.

Give yourself a cheat day where you have something easy- vegan burgers or avocado on toast. You can be lazy one day.

I agree with User100 about adapting meals eg by replacing the protein. Some other examples might include spag bol with mince for you, lentils for dh (i agree soya mince can seem a bit soggy/tasteless), pasta bake: cheese for you, vegan cheese for dh etc.

As a vegan myself i think he is being very ungrateful - instead of moaning he should be appreciating the extra effort you are putting in, to adapt your ways of cooking, and own lifestyle to suit his!

And you don't owe him any sort of breakfast. DH prepares his own breakfast and usually sorts the boys out, too, since they're all larks and I'm more inclined to not drag my sorry arse out of bed until gone 7am - after DH has brought me a cup of chamomile tea! Sometimes, he even does some washing up before he leaves for work.

As has been pointed out, plenty of families have both parents work full time. No one gets to be waited on, under those circumstances.

I would give him some boring vegan crap and then proceed to eat a big fat juicy steak with accompanying drooling and mmmmm! sounds.

We take no prisoners here, OP. Even regulars get called out on things, too.

As far as breakfast goes, toast on its own might not fill him up, but peanut butter on toast is filling and nutritious, as is a nutty muesli served with soya milk - I'm not vegan and have that most mornings, with a chopped banana and/or other fruit on top and it sees me right through to lunchtime. If he's gone vegan for health reasons, he doesn't want processed sausages and baked beans for breakfast every morning, anyhow. That's sort of defeating the point, really.

Ah now fascicle , I said he was cooking his own meals, I didn't say anything about them being edible
This isn't a vegan issue, and I can't believe someone has suggested the OP has one "lazy day" a week when she offers up vegan burgers - the issue is the dynamics of the couple where both parties think the woman should be presenting breakfast every day to the man, the man gets up fritter money on a daily cafe visit, and then expect that every meal is prepared for him. This would never have worked for me whether meat or veg were involved.

I'd say that cooking family friendly vegan meals is no easier or harder than any other style of cooking if you are used to cooking vegan stuff. Trying to cook something that you aren't used to is time consuming whether it's vegan or any other particular diet/style/cuisine.

I'm vegan, DP is veggie (but happy to cook and eat vegan food at home) and DD was vegan from birth (but chose to become veggie when she was 7). A vegan diet is perfectly healthy for young children.

Having said that, your husband is certainly the unreasonable one here. You've tried to accommodate his diet and he has been ungrateful and rude.
He's got 3 choices:

1. Leave you to cook for the family, thank you nicely and appreciate the effort you have gone to.
2. Let you cook for the children and/or yourself and get himself (and you if you didn't eat with the children) something to eat when he gets home
3. He cooks a vegan dinner for the family when he gets home.

He works full-time outside the house. But if you have 3 small children then you are working full-time at home. His job doesn't trump your job in terms of who has to do the cooking (and I say that as someone who works full time).

Welcome to AIBU Carol - fasten your seat belt!

I think you probably knew when you posted that few here would take DH's side, no matter how new you are to the forum. What he said about your cooking "going downhill" was way out of line regardless of the vegan context. No one who ever has a meal cooked for them should EVER say that, for ANY reason. There is just no excuse for that kind of ingratitude. He may have had a rough day, and when he realises how much it hurt you (which he absolutely should do, if he hasn't already!) he may (and again, should!) be very sorry, and make sure it never happens again.

As for what you do for him, and your desire to take care of his dietary needs, ignore the Stepfordistas - whatever "deal" you have worked out is between you and him alone. It's perfectly reasonable to have a calm discussion with him and explain that the veganism seriously limits what you can do for him given your other commitments with three very small children (in terms of diet as well as time). You fully support his taking control of his health, and you are happy to keep shopping with it in mind, and even continue cooking his meals, but something has to change because the situation is unmanageable at the moment. You are doing the best you can, but if your efforts aren't what he is looking for at the end of the day, then either he needs to change what he is looking for or do (at least some of) his own cooking.

You know this already - let us know how it goes, and don't feel you're letting down the sisterhood by continuing to cook for him. Good luck!

Cannot begin to describe how unreasonable HE is being. He can make his own food if he wants to be so bloody particular!!

Tell him his diet is too restrictive and he either needs to find vegan ready meals or cook for himself.

Another thing Carol - it sounds like he may actually be missing his meat, and he's frustrated, and that's really what made him complain, not the way you cooked it. Possible?

I'd batch cook two or three meals, freeze and serve. Don't feed your children vegan.

He's rude.

Mommybunny - that's a joke right? Or are we seriously suggesting vegetarians get meat withdrawal symptoms?

Oh dear I won't show my oh this thread, he has to make his own breakfast and dinner if on a late shift. If he is not in to eat his dinner at the usual time then he sorts himself out

Op I really do think you need to have a frank discussion. Yes he works hard but with 3 young children, so do you! I can certainly understand the stepford wife comments, I too was shocked that you do him a cooked breakfast each morning. That he can certainly make himself!

Has he never been rude to you before because you have always pleased him previously by correctly deferring to him and his desires?

You have now displeased him with what you gave him for dinner

Hi, I'm a veggy, dh loves all the meats and does most of our cooking.

When we first lived together it was a bit difficult, he was from the 'not a meal without meat' camp- but it got way easier as we both got used to it!

We do the 1.5 meal thing, so chickpea curry and he'll add chicken, carbonara with mushrooms ad he'll add bacon.

I've only told him I didn't like something once (in 12yrs!) and it was a new recipe that just went very, very wrong

Bella - clearly it's not unreasonable for your dh to make his own dinner, but equally it's not unreasonable for op to cook for her dh. It depends on what else each partner does (in terms of work, child care, chores etc) and it's a decision each couple will make differently. For what it's worth I work, dw is a SAHM and I cook for the family nearly every night, but I get away fairly lightly on a lot of other chores. I think the problem with attacking ops dh is more down to the fact that no one really knows what else he does, the hours he works/job he does, what help they can pay for etc so we're not really in a position to judge (that and the fact that OP has repeatedly asked people not to attack her dh or get into other things they do around the house etc)

Sorry that it's made you feel attacked/overwhelmed, OP. I think what most people are trying to show though (as I was) is that it's not considered too much to expect people in full time, stressful jobs to also be able to cook or get involved in meal planning at least some of the time. You can still decide to organise your household differently, of course. But you seemed to think it was obviously unreasonable to think a full time worker should sort their own dinner out. I hope you can see it's a perfectly acceptable way to do things. The key is that both parties agree and discuss compromises and no one person feels put upon. I have a full time stressful job myself, and I would find your day looking after 3 kids and the house harder to deal with, FWIW.

I find it hard to think of what division of labour would lead to a grown adult requiring someone with a baby to get up and make them breakfast every day.

Iggi
I agree. OP you've got a 6 month old and two others why the heck are you making him breakfast?

I work long hours in a well paid stressful job and DH is the one at home. He doesn't owe me breakfast because I earn the money that pays the bills. During the school holidays I am extra careful not to wake him and the DC, maybe I should wake him to make my breakfast and help him out by loading the dishwasher or babysitting the DC