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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you've ever experienced a house get out of control

362 replies

atthelake · 12/07/2015 10:33

That gives a weird image of a tantrumming house but the truth isn't so funny.

House is disgusting. Repulsive, awful, dirty. I just can't seem to manage it. I used to be able to. Now I'm struggling so much.

I'm talking washing up on the dirty sofa and piles of dirty clothes and crisps trodden in carpet upstairs and bathroom full of clothes and cat wee (thanks cat) and empty bottles and half full bottles of drinks and tin openers in lounge and cobwebs and muck and dirt.

Am i trying to have my child taken off me or something? :)

I semi confided in a friend yesterday who said she had found it hard until she went on ADs.

Is this the answer? When I've taken them in the past I just felt flat but maybe I didn't try the right ones or for long enough.

It's getting me down, it's getting everybody down but it's as if I cant. Sometimes I make some vague attempt to clear some rubble but it barely makes a dent.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 13/07/2015 09:40

I know Minty :( And Sanity :( Just people saying he should do the cat tray, he should help her out day to day etc seem a bit frustrating.

cherryade8 · 13/07/2015 09:45

OP please let people come and help you! I'm a single parent and also 37 weeks pregnant, I find routine is key to keeping on top of housework, my house is often far from tidy though! My tips would be:

  1. target one room at a time and go for quick wins, eg get all the laundry washed, you'll feel a sense of achievement for this!

  2. know how each room should look when clean, ie no clutter on worktops, no clothes laying about

  3. once house is clean, keep it clean and tidy as you go, ie when you finish the milk put the bottle straight into the recycling bin, put dirty clothes straight into the laundry bin and not onto the floor

  4. invite people round each week, that's motivation to clean and tidy so that it looks nice!

  5. agree some ground rules with dh, ie he needs to pick up after himself, vacuum etc as well

Good luck!

Original poster
atthelake · 13/07/2015 09:46

DH does do what he can but he's not here all the time and I do get a bit defensive too.

OP posts:
DoesItReallyMatter · 13/07/2015 09:47

Good luck for today OP.

mytimewillcome · 13/07/2015 09:54

I think possibly Minty is saying that quite a few things don't add up here. I hope that's not true.

CheesyNachos · 13/07/2015 09:59

I set the oven timer for 10 minutes and clean for 10 minutes. I often find I am in the groove then and can continue on for a bit, but 10 minutes ever seems overwhelming to start with.

Goshthatsspicy · 13/07/2015 10:04

I'm so sorry for you lake you can hear the despondency in your post.
please see your doctor...
That is imperative. Flowers

Mintyy · 13/07/2015 10:13

No, I'm not saying anything of the sort mytimewillcome.

I am saying op should be concerned about herself, her child and her baby because the level of fatigue and disengagement she is experiencing is not normal. She must start to do something about this urgently before reading Marie Kondo.

LadyPlumpington · 13/07/2015 10:13

It sounds hard for you op. I do think that you sound monumentally depressed though.

My mother spent years going on about how she was going to 'sort the house out' and never, ever did. It was dirty and messy and there was always a reason (this was after we'd left home). I think the real reason was that she was very depressed and just plain couldn't bring herself to look at it and acknowledge the full extent of the problem. I suspect you may have the same issue. The fact that you're 38 weeks pg won't help, but you haven't been 38 weeks pg throughout the whole pregnancy IYSWIM. I have a 1-year age gap too (or rather 13mo), so I do sympathise with the tiredness. However, this environment is unsustainable.

Will your DH have paternity leave? If so, tell him to take ownership of the situation. If he doesn't make the house tidy/clean then he's going to have 2 kids under 2 and a wife with postnatal depression who is struggling to cope.

Also (and I mean this kindly) stop being so proud and thinking of how mortified you'd be if someone saw the house. You're scared of being embarrassed and so you're continuing to let yourself, a small child and an imminent even smaller child live in squalor. That is a shitty reason to maintain the status quo, so get over it and accept some bloody help. Your wounded pride is not as important as having a goddamn moderately hygenic house.

Tough love over Thanks

mytimewillcome · 13/07/2015 10:20

Sorry minty. Misunderstood. I do think that some intervention is needed if this is all true. How can her child be looked after if she is so lethargic and her husband isn't there and she has no family or friends? It sounds like an appalling situation for the child.

WanderWomble · 13/07/2015 10:22

Have you rang the GP Lake?

Esmereldada · 13/07/2015 10:32

Op I'm so sorry, you sound overwhelmed and miserable. I truly truly feel for you.

Little bit of tough love.

Ready?

Look, its got to be sorted out at some point. It will take up a bloody annoying amount of time and energy. There is no magic answer (I wish!).

You need to just get stuck in gal - and the sooner the better.
And here's the weird thing that soooo helped me when I was in same position - cleaning and tidying isn't going to make you feel WORSE than you do right now. Its going to make you feel BETTER! Loads and loads better.

Well done for posting on here - it took guts

Xxxxxxxx

Hellionsitem2 · 13/07/2015 10:35

I recently helped my friend declutter/tidy/reorganise and I really enjoyed doing it. It was really nice to feel useful and support my friend. I adore my friend! And I felt nothing but empathy with her feeling overwhelmed by her belongings/house. I've been there to a lesser degree myself

Hellionsitem2 · 13/07/2015 10:44

Send an SOS text to your closest friends and family saying....

''Hope you had a nice weekend. I'm wondering if anyone has a couple of hours they can spare to help me tackle the clutter and cleaning before the baby comes. It's really embarrassing to ask but I'm so utterly knackered at the moment and am starting to feel overwhelmed by the house. Totally understand that most of you will be busy''

Original poster
atthelake · 13/07/2015 10:48

Look Im not getting anyone in, I don't have anyone to ask anyway! Am trying to sort it. My child is fine.

OP posts:
Hellionsitem2 · 13/07/2015 10:52

I'm not worried about your child. I'm sure you are a good mum

WanderWomble · 13/07/2015 11:01

You're either going to have to do it yourself or get someone in. Those are your only choices. And given what you've said on here, I can't see you managing on your own.

Tough love- your pride isn't more important than your health, and your kid's health.

formerbabe · 13/07/2015 11:03

Look Im not getting anyone in, I don't have anyone to ask anyway!

Op...you mentioned your mum I think earlier in the thread. How's your relationship with her? Can you tell her and ask her to come over. Imagine if years down the line, your dd was struggling...I'm sure you'd want her to come to you for help, rather than trying to cope alone. I bet your mum would feel the same way.

Original poster
atthelake · 13/07/2015 11:06

I didn't mention my mum Confused

OP posts:
CandyLane · 13/07/2015 11:06

Atthelake - where abouts are you? If you happen to be in the North West I'd love to give you a hand.
I struggle too, my house isn't perfect either so I wouldn't judge you.

LeBearPolar · 13/07/2015 11:06

atthelake - I'm not sure what you wanted to get from this thread. Because you have had so much sympathy, empathy, tough love and above all, good, thoughtful advice, which people have taken the time to post and think through yet your replies simply reject any possibility of a) you doing anything; b) your DH doing anything; c) anyone else helping you to do anything.

Many MNetters are concerned that you might be depressed and need support from your GP but you haven't responded to that either.

What is it that YOU want to happen? Because it is your life to take control of, in the end: no matter how helpful MNetters try to be, if you don't actually want to take any steps to make things change then nothing will.

LadyPlumpington · 13/07/2015 11:07

Lots of Mumsnetters are offering to help you for free.... if you're anywhere near Reading I'd be happy to turn up with my Dettol wipes. Seriously now.

Everythinghaschanged · 13/07/2015 11:08

I don't think anyone here can judge if an Internet stranger is a 'good mum' or not.

However op, you do say you are worried that social services would intervene if they saw the state of your home. And the lack of basic hygiene (cat pee, dirty dishes, rotting food and drink) and you lying around doing nothing means your child is not 'fine.'

Sorry if thats harsh but you know yourself you have to act - gp, cleaner, do it yourself, whatever. If you have depression, you need help.

Goshthatsspicy · 13/07/2015 11:09

In the nicest possible way lake what did you hope to get from posting? Again, l mean that in a way as to find out , what you'd like help with?
Smile

PurpleHairAndPearls · 13/07/2015 11:09

OP, do you have an older DC as well?

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