To ask if you've ever experienced a house get out of control

[atthelake]

That gives a weird image of a tantrumming house but the truth isn't so funny.

House is disgusting. Repulsive, awful, dirty. I just can't seem to manage it. I used to be able to. Now I'm struggling so much.

I'm talking washing up on the dirty sofa and piles of dirty clothes and crisps trodden in carpet upstairs and bathroom full of clothes and cat wee (thanks cat) and empty bottles and half full bottles of drinks and tin openers in lounge and cobwebs and muck and dirt.

Am i trying to have my child taken off me or something? :)

I semi confided in a friend yesterday who said she had found it hard until she went on ADs.

Is this the answer? When I've taken them in the past I just felt flat but maybe I didn't try the right ones or for long enough.

It's getting me down, it's getting everybody down but it's as if I cant. Sometimes I make some vague attempt to clear some rubble but it barely makes a dent.

I'm away and I've logged in just to ask, OP, what is your husband doing all weekend if he hasn't cleaned? It is his home too. You can't tackle a huge clean with energy at 38 weeks!

Being pregnant and changing cat litter is no biggie, agree with mintyy

Does everything have a home? I've moved house loads of times over the last 10 years and can only really keep things tidy after everything has been designated a home. Once that stage is over(can take a few months) tidying is much easier

At 38 weeks pregnant, and 39 and 40 ++ I was changing cat litter for two cats, walking 3 dogs and had a toddler, and cleaning a 3 bed house and it was cleaned every day, slowly. Mintyy is talking sense. This is nott just to do with being 38 weeks prgnant, by itself.

The alarm thing is a good idea. When you achieve one bit you can see the improvement, if you rest a bit, it seems to help you get going again. Focus on one task for each time slot. It seems to get so much more done.

Congratulate yourself for all that you have acheived-home, family and all the rest.

I suffer with depression and as a result I struggle with housework.
I find it helps to focus on just one room at a time. Flitting from one room to the next means you're not doing a proper job of anything and you end up feeling like you've not made any progress.
Try writing a list of all the jobs, write it in detail, which of course makes the list longer but it means you feel more productive with each thing you cross off.
I start with the smallest room, for me it's the porch. It only takes five mins to tidy and mop but then I can cross it off and then I'll move on to the next smallest room - the bathroom, etc etc.
when I'm tackling the kitchen which is usually the most daunting I'll break it down in to sections, eg I'll think to myself 'I'm just going to do this small section of work surface' and once that's done I'll move on to the next.
I suppose often looking at the whole house just seems too much but by breaking it down in to small manageable jobs it's less daunting.
And then when you're too tired to carry on it's ok because you feel like you've been productive because you've crossed 5 things off your list.

Hope this helps x

atthelake, do you get out of the house much? x

Also regarding ADs, I've found different tablets can be totally different.
I was on sertraline for ages, it helped the depression but I just didn't feel good on it. I felt emotionally numb, I would rarely feel excited, i wouldn't cry at sad films, I had no sex drive.
I'm now on citalopram and I feel totally normal on them, i feel more like the old me and I've not had any side affects.
I think different medication probably work better for different people.

hi op. i have not read all the thread but i understand your op about finding it difficult to clean the house and that your 38 weeks pregnant. can your partner help get it sorted? i know your tired but could you give it ago. im worried for you if a midwife or health visitor sees it you might get into some bother. i dont want to scare you.just i have been there to a few times..

when my house used to be really bad i just got black bags threw everything out. i did not even look at it. was eating from paper plates/take aways for couple of weeks before i started to replace. also at the time i had to rehome my cats :( because they were making my house smell from peeing.

my house still often looks like a bomb has hit it but not like it used to be. sounds silly but if i dont have motovation. when im watching tv everytime an add comes on i do a bit of tidying up i get quite a bit done in 3 mins

Can I ask how you are managing to get to the shops for food shopping and then preparing it and cooking for you and your child,during the week when your husband is not there? What about caring for and playing with her and getting her out and about? I appreciate you are heavily pregnant now but you say you have felt like this for months.

I would have thought lying down all day long when you have a child would be impossible.

Quite.

Anyway, make sure you are on the phone to your GP before you log on to the internet tomorrow perhaps OP. Hope you get an appointment very quickly.

I know it really feels like you can't let anyone in but...

I read one of these threads before on mumsnet, would have to do a search to find it again. The OP had food that had been in the fridge for YEARS, slowly going off.

Two lovely mumsnetters went around one day and helped her blitz it. If you can accept help, put the shame to one side, it will seriously help your children.

I am generally quite messy but my 9-month-old is forcing me to keep my house clean. She will put ANYTHING into her mouth. Sounds like you have a fair bit to do so might be wise to clean before rather than after new baby arrives.

Could you/your DH do all washing up, wipe down kitchen surfaces and the table and empty the bin every day?

Could you/your DH do a load of laundry and change the cat litter every other day?

Could you/your DH hoover and mop and clean your toilet, sink and bath every week?

Please try this routine until your baby comes and see if it helps, along side getting in touch with your g.p.
I really hope you start feeling a bit more positive and energetic soon, OP.

I'm writing some bits of this this to the part of you that's lethargic and procrastinating. You should still get checked out for depression, iron deficiency and all that.

Speaking bluntly. It will be much worse than it is now, the day you get mice or rats. A filthy cluttered house is extra attractive to them. So assume you'll get them in the next year or two. Their droppings will be harder to spot against the clutter and harder to clear. Things that are precious to you will be chewed, weed on and shat on and perhaps your 1 year old will eat some of their droppings - you'll look back on the cat wee as a happy memory.

Imagine a CCTV camera in the corner of every room with the people on this thread and others you know watching you. Yes you're tired, yes you're distracted, yes you won't do anything efficiently because of that. Think what people would say if they could see you doing absolutely nothing, though. Use that thought as a push to do something, however small, regularly. Keep getting up to do one small thing. You'll probably find it snowballs after a while. See if you can chain two things together and then three.

Have you tried audiobooks, like audible ones? If your situation is desperate, and it helps to keep you entertained while you do stuff, then they'd be an investment.

See how much washing up you can do in only ten minutes. Quite a few things take less time than you think.

Make a list on paper while you're lying back feeling comfy. Write down as many small next steps as you can in a short burst - everything from make a cup of tea or go to the loo to carry a particular thing upstairs, make a phone call you need to make, pick up two empty crisp packets, clean one small section of a kitchen counter. I would bet good money that by a few hours later you'll have done far more things than if you hadn't made the list, even if they all seem too obvious to need writing down.

Action is the thing that will help you - not even just the results of action, but the action itself. It's not as easy as a lot of people think, if you're depressed or inattentive or whatever, in fact it's a big pile of shit, but the way out of it is still going to come through constant small actions - often motivation follows action, not the other way round.

One more way to think of it. Look round and say to yourself that your house isn't going to change. This is it, this is as good as it's going to get. Stop thinking about what it used to be like or you want it to be like, or you'll keep being paralysed by the size of the gap between what it's like now and what it should be. This is it - the house you're in now is how it is. Now look around. Are there any little bits you could make slightly better, right now, even if it's just straightening something or throwing one thing away or wiping one tiny surface with a bit of damp kitchen roll?

That 'tomorrow' where you are more motivated and get loads done - that 'tomorrow' that makes not doing anything right now OK? It will never come. It's whatever you can do right now that matters. Lots of tiny things done will eventually add up to a lot, but you have to start right now, today, even if you stop again two minutes later to do something else. Just keep restarting, and restarting, and restarting.

GP appointment ASAP. It can't hurt and may be the answer.

Can you afford to hire a cleaner? If you're really embarrassed, you could ask your DH to meet them while you pop out for a bit. This might honestly be your best option- you need a clean house to bring your newborn home to. (And it'll be lovely for you to boot.)

Failing that, then you need help. Bugger what everyone else thinks- it needs sorting. Take some kind Mumnetter's up on their offer. I'd honestly love to help you out ad wouldn't judge you. Believe me, I've seen all sorts!

if i saw the op doing nothing at 38 weeks surrounded by mess id think either she is a single parent struggling to cope or has a lazy partner!! but what i or anyone else thinks matters not one fuck.

my midwife said one thing to me when i had dd2. suffering from pnd and struggling. So long as the kitchen sink is clean.

This is a long term suggestion but do consider ripping out your carpet and putting down wooden/laminate flooring. This will help you keep it clean easier as you just need to vacuum and mop and will get rid of the cat wee smell as it won't linger as it does on carpet.

Do visit your gp asap as it sounds like you are depressed and might be at risk of PND. If you are struggling, now you may find it even harder after birth to keep on top of things. It's best to recognise and accept this now and seek help to prevent things from getting any worse.

Good luck

I agree that unless there is a physical reason, then it is not normal to need to rest all day at 38 weeks. (I worked up until the birth, every time, and we all hear the stories of "nesting" where women clean out the top cupboards, and move all the furniture around on the day before labour starts.)

If you are lolling around in bed/on the sofa, unable to get up, it is probably because you are depressed, or have a mineral deficiency, or similar. Not because you are pregnant.

So get to the GP.

Your DP/DH is telling you not to worry about it, but it doesn't sound like he's helping much. If he has just left for work, he's had two days to help you get the house spic and span. Is it? Thought not. So, he is part of the problem. He needs to be saying things like, let's just tidy this, and then we can both sit down, for a bit. Not, oh don't worry about the house, just sit down. Talk to him about it. Don't be fobbed off with "don't worry about it". Tell him how important this is to you. Plan a way forward together.

You need some rules.

Allow yourself one mug, one plate, one bowl, one knife, one fork, etc. and the same for DD. If you need a plate, for example, and it is dirty, wash it up. You might also have the energy to wash everything else in the sink, as there won't be much there.

Every dish, pot and pan to be washed up within 24 hours of being used. If it's not cleaned before the next food preparation time, clean first, then start to prepare.

All food to be eaten in one designated dining area (the kitchen?). Once food is eaten, wipe down the table, and chairs and floor, if needed, immediately. Then it is ready for the next time it is needed.

Do not go to bed, even for a nap, without tidying any cups or mugs, or other food/drink detritus to the sink or bin first.

Get a big basket for DD's toys in the living room, and as soon as she is in bed, or napping, chuck them all in there.

Put a laundry basket in the bathroom. Put dirty clothes in it as soon as you take them off.

Do the cat litter as often as needed, seriously. (Is this once a day? I don't know, I don't have cats) Make a time when it is always done, and do it. As much as a pregnant woman should not be touching a litter tray, if the cat is going elsewhere in the house, then I think it's better to contain the problem to a tray, where you can use protective gloves, and wash hands well after. If the cat starts going any old where, you and your baby will be coming up against it all the time, without gloves, etc. Or get rid of the cat.

Think of other rules that will work for you.

Your house does not have to be a show home. It just has to reach an acceptable level of tidiness and cleanliness. By giving yourself too high a goal, you will always fail. You give yourself an excuse to fail. Change your goal from wanting the house to look amazing, to making it an acceptably clean environment to live in, and bring up DC in.

But first, go to your GP!

With the best will in the world, people saying the state of the house doesn't matter, if it's just mess, if the kitchen sink is clean, it's okay, aren't helping the Ops situation. She has a crawling or just walking child, and a newborn on the way (hence there will be people including professionals visiting the house) and op has said

I'm talking washing up on the dirty sofa and piles of dirty clothes and crisps trodden in carpet upstairs and bathroom full of clothes and cat wee (thanks cat) and empty bottles and half full bottles of drinks and tin openers in lounge and cobwebs and muck and dirt

The house is filthy just not just messy. The situation isn't okay and it needs to be sorted. Whether OP is depressed, fed up or just knackered from being 38 weeks, this house needs to be cleaned and before the baby arrives. If op isn't up to it, for whatever reason, someone else needs to do it, whether it's the DH or professional cleaners (who will have seen it all before).

That's all there is to it. OP might not be able to sort it out physically herself, but she needs to get in place someone who can (personally I think her Dh needs to step up here).

Are people reading the OP's posts? Her DH can't help more because he works away Monday to Friday. Yes he could help blitz at the weekends, but day to day it is all down to her.

What's the plan for today, OP? I've got a bit of blitzing to do too. Kitchen is a mess and bathroom needs cleaning. If you want a "buddy" so to speak :)

Yes, people are reading the OP's posts, Bertie. They're reading that while her DH is away for 5 days a week, on the two days a week he is in the house, he is not helping her to get to grips with it, but is saying "don't worry about it".

They're also reading between the lines that he is not appalled at the state of the house, and at the lethargy displayed by his DW, and is not encouraging her to get help. Because otherwise, she wouldn't be in this position.

And a house doesn't get that bad in a week. I have a cleaner once a week, and I have to tidy the house before she comes. Its quite easy to keep a house tidy, if it's done every week.

The OP's mess has been allowed to build up over a long period, and neither the OP nor her DH is doing anything about it.

I am sure he would rather not have to help clean the house when he gets in on the weekend. But it's clearly getting on top of his DW, so you would think he would do something about it, instead of just saying, there, there, dear.

I agree with minty This level of fatigue at 38 weeks is not normal(indeed I think lots of women get a burst of energy at that stage-hence the housecleaning/tidying/nesting) And many work until very late in pregnancy .If you haven't done it already OP make that Dr appointment

Of course I'm reading op's posts Bertie! There can have been no housework done in her house for months if it is as bad as she says. She is at the point where she doesn't even use a bin for rubbish! That is off the scale bad. All the tips being offered by Mumsnetters are falling on deaf ears.

How are you today, OP?

Please allow people to help you. Believe it or not, there are people who absolutely love cleaning and enjoy helping and being kind. If you tell us whereabouts you are, some lovely Mumsnetters will come and help you get the house ready for the new baby. Imagine how wonderful it would be to have a clean house!

There is absolutely NO shame in asking for help. No-one will judge you.