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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DD1 at home for her birthday?

81 replies

Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 14:26

DD1 is currently away at school, due to come home next week and be here for her birthday for the first time in five years! She will also finally get to meet 3week old DD3 and I've been looking forward to it for weeks, especially as due to being me very pregnant, DH having to be away and DD2 having to go into hospital with a fractured arm, she couldn't come back for half term.
However, she called me this morning full of excitement as she and a group of friends are asking to go back to a friend's house straight after finishing school for a week. I understand why she wants to go, and know that all of these friends are lovely girls.
AIBU to ask her to come home? I haven't seen her since May and want her to meet DD3 as soon as she can, as well as the fact it's her big 16th birthday, and due to the school calendar, I know she won't be able to be here for the next two, 17 and 18. I really want her to be happy- am I being selfish or PFB?

OP posts:

GinUpGirl · 09/07/2015 14:28

Could you have the friends at home instead, as a birthday thing? Will the other parents mind? Is the friend's house a big deal or just hanging out?

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 09/07/2015 14:30

Ask her to come home, but let her spend some other time with her friends?
Yanbu.
She is your dd, family should usually come first.

Bellebella · 09/07/2015 14:34

I wouldn't ask her to come home when she is used to spending time with friends on her birthday. Tell her you would like her home but understand if she would rather celebrate with friends instead.

Original poster

Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 14:36

I'm already having 9 of her friends later in the holidays for four nights! We live in Cheshire, and so A's house near Paris is more attractive! My mum wasn't around at home for any of the birthdays I can properly remember due to being ill in hospital for so long, and so it's probably a sensitive spot for me with my own DDs.

OP posts:

caravanista13 · 09/07/2015 14:37

Of course she should go with her friends if that's her preference. She's going to resent being at home if her group of friends are doing something else together.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 14:37

It's her birthday, it's up on her really. I am assuming she is at boarding school?

geekymommy · 09/07/2015 14:38

I think it's very normal for a 16 yo to prefer spending her birthday with her friends to spending it with her family (at least it was when I was that age). Could you have a birthday celebration for her at home on some other day?

GinUpGirl · 09/07/2015 14:38

Yeah in that case I think family birthday celebrations are going to have to be belated!

caravanista13 · 09/07/2015 14:38

And if you're happy for her to be away at school you can't have her home just because it suits you better.

SwallowsInSpring · 09/07/2015 14:41

Could she come home for the first weekend then join them from Monday onwards or is it too far? I hated having to choose between spending time with friends who I saw all the time and who we're trying to convince me to join in with fun stuff and rushing home as soon as I could. So a split would be easiest for her.

It's a bit sad that she's not more excited about meeting your DD3 but perhaps she's compartmentalising a bit and because she's with her friends now she just sees the benefits of that.

SayThisOnlyOnce · 09/07/2015 14:41

I honestly don't know.

I think I'd want my mum to say 'you MUST come home and be with your family, we love you and want to spoil you rotten and do family stuff'

But I am big on birthdays and really can't imagine a life where eldest is away at boarding school whilst mum has another baby etc etc. I just cannot put myself in your shoes OP so I don't know what to say.

Howcanitbe · 09/07/2015 14:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YeOldTrout · 09/07/2015 14:42

You've done a better job than you meant to in making sure she's self-reliant.

bookbag40 · 09/07/2015 14:47

I know this sounds harsh but you made the choice to send her away from your family to boarding school so I don't think you can expect her to come rushing home when you want her to.

I'm sure you had your reasons for doing it but I think that boarding school does mean that children feel a bit more dissasociated from their family and obviously it has taught her to be self reliant and she probably has become closer to her friends than to her family in a way.

Do you think she maybe feels pushed out by the new baby especially as the reason she couldn't come home at half term was because you were pregnant. Maybe she is doing this to make a point?

AnyoneForTennis · 09/07/2015 14:50

Doesn't want to come home to meet the new baby, see you all or celebrate her birthday? Not been'at home' for a birthday in years?

Sounds like she's learnt to detach from you and live her own life. Sorry, but that's how it is in The circumstances

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 09/07/2015 14:50

YABU to ask her to come home. You should be telling her to. She must meet her sister at least. The birthday is less of an issue but if she came home for a couple of nights you could then send her to join her friends and that way everyone gets part of what they want.

ChopinLiszt · 09/07/2015 14:50

The "so she couldn't come home for half term" got me I'm afraid. As pp said, if she's used to spending time with her friends on her birthday let her do that. It's her day - not yours

Original poster

Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 14:52

DD1 was the ine who wanted to go to the school! She asked for about 2 years after reading the Chalet School/Enid Blyton, ect, and we really researched. She is completely happy there, and I speak to her on the phone every night, and absolutely adore ber,
She is always asking me to email her pictures of the younger two, and is incredibly close to DD2. She was home when DD2 was a baby, and prefers the toddler stage much to the newborn one, which is probably why she's less keen home!

OP posts:

RepeatAdNauseum · 09/07/2015 14:54

Don't make her come home. She'll have a rubbish day if she'd rather be with friends, that will overhang anything that you plan to do.

Let her spend time with her friends like she normally does, then hold a family celebration when she's home. Otherwise you risk a sulky 16th birthday, and an unhappy daughter.

It's understandable that you want to see her and you want her to meet her new sister, but a week won't make any difference really.

GinUpGirl · 09/07/2015 14:55

What a load of crap. 16 year olds up and down the country regardless of where they went to school want to spend time away from their parents, especially if it means hanging out with your friends on your birthday in Paris.

DH boarded whilst I was at a state comp, and he is far closer to his family than I ever have been. And not because mine have done something shit either - I love them to death.

maz210 · 09/07/2015 14:56

I also don't get the half term thing - at her age she could have helped you around the house and with your other daughter rather than being another strain on you. It does come across that you only want her around when it suits you, sorry if this is harsh.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 14:57

I am not judging you for her being at boarding school. However, she spends more time at school with her friends than she does at home. It's entirely normal for her want to spend her birthday with them....especially in Paris.

She is 16. Not surprising that she is more excited to spend the week in Paris than at home. Not surprising that she isn't as excited about the new baby as you are.

SirPercyPilkington · 09/07/2015 14:59

Dont ask her to come home. I'm not sure it's fair to ask her to miss out on what sounds lovely just to come home. Don't plant the seed in her mind that you should pass up a wonderful opportunity just to please family.
You sound close despite the distance so I can understand your disappointment - but she'll be back soon and will be even more excited to see you all.
Remember what it feels like at 16 with the world at your feet

geekymommy · 09/07/2015 15:00

I think it's normal for a teenager to be more interested in spending time with her friends than in meeting a new baby sibling, too. Her birthday should be about her, not about you or the rest of the family.

Don't try to dictate to her that family should be more important than friends. Telling her what her priorities should be is a good way to alienate a teenager or young adult. And sometimes alienation from family can last a long time. You don't want that. There are plenty of stories right here on Mumsnet about people dealing with relatives where everything is always about what one person wants. Don't be one of those people.

Is it possible that someday she'll regret not spending her birthday with her family? Yes, but everybody has made decisions they regret, that's how we learn how to make the right decisions for us. Keep in mind that she's not you, and the right decisions for her might not be the same as the right ones for you would be in the same situation.

SunnyBaudelaire · 09/07/2015 15:01

to be honest you sent her to boarding school and she is 16 - what did you think would happen? Not that I am judging the boarding school thing but .....
No offence but you can't have it both ways really.

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