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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DD1 at home for her birthday?

81 replies

Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 14:26

DD1 is currently away at school, due to come home next week and be here for her birthday for the first time in five years! She will also finally get to meet 3week old DD3 and I've been looking forward to it for weeks, especially as due to being me very pregnant, DH having to be away and DD2 having to go into hospital with a fractured arm, she couldn't come back for half term.
However, she called me this morning full of excitement as she and a group of friends are asking to go back to a friend's house straight after finishing school for a week. I understand why she wants to go, and know that all of these friends are lovely girls.
AIBU to ask her to come home? I haven't seen her since May and want her to meet DD3 as soon as she can, as well as the fact it's her big 16th birthday, and due to the school calendar, I know she won't be able to be here for the next two, 17 and 18. I really want her to be happy- am I being selfish or PFB?

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 09/07/2015 15:02

I am also in no way judging you for sending her to boarding school. I went to boarding school and loved it. But at 16, she should be allowed to make her own choices in matters like this.

geekymommy · 09/07/2015 15:10

I don't know about boarding school necessarily making kids less close to their families. DH went to a boarding school as a teenager, and I didn't. We're much closer to his family than we are to mine. Personality has a lot to do with it, and there really isn't much anyone can do about that. Also, when I was a teenager, my DM was very much about trying to make me come out "right" by her standards, which meant I was not eager to spend time with her, and I did not feel like she took my desires and personality into account. I reiterate, DH and I are closer to his family than to mine now, and I'm 40. (Of course, part of this is that DM and I just have different personalities and ideas about what is most important in life)

My relationship with DM did get better later on, when I had some friends from school who got pregnant at a young age and I think DM realized I might not be all she wanted in a DD, but I could have been worse.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 15:14

I still don't get why she couldn't come back for half term?

nuttybananas · 09/07/2015 15:21

Your last post indicates you have a good relationship so I think at 16 you should let her go - this is about her not you. Much as it hurts you I think the right thing is to start letting her make own choices.
(But also I would be doing a lot of checking as to how she feels about the new addition and the fact that her trip home at half term had to be cancelled as I would worry that she is putting a brave face on things and acting all cool with her friends - but really she needs some family support)

Jinglebells99 · 09/07/2015 15:31

I think that your dd should be able to choose to do what she likes and that sounds like Paris with her friends. I too don't understand why she didn't come back at half term? I have a dh who travels a lot, an older child and a child who broke her arm. My ds just came along to the hospital with me. In your situation, I would be devastated that my dd was choosing her friends over me, but I do think it's to be expected. My dd is 13 and I can feel her moving away from me towards friendships. It's natural, and I think exacerbated more by the fact your dd is at boarding school. It's hard but life at home with small siblings probably isn't as exciting as life with her school friends.

googoodolly · 09/07/2015 15:33

She's 16 - of course she wants to spend her birthday with her friends in Paris over being at home with her family and a newborn baby who she probably doesn't have any kind of connection with at the moment.

I do reckon she probably feels a bit pushed out if you told her she couldn't come home for half term as well.

catsrus · 09/07/2015 15:34

16 and Paris - no contest OP, sorry. Let her go then have a very special "unbirthday" when she gets home Smile. I've just been told by one of my dds that she will be away at Christmas, I smiled and said "how lovely, sounds great". If you try to hold on they will wriggle further away IMO.

YeOldTrout · 09/07/2015 15:37

Wait, boarding school shuts so she's home again after end of this week for long summer holidays? I think I'd be happy with that.

What happens for her 17th or 18th birthdays that you won't see her then, either? Confused

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 15:38

Hang on, she hasn't spent her last 5 birthdays with you? Where was she ? At school?

If she is used to spending her birthday with her friends, she isn't going to change that because you have a new baby, this year.

Sorry op, Yabvu. Possibly due to the new baby. But she couldn't come home at half term (still don't get why she couldn't) she usually spends her birthday with her friends, she spends more of the year with her friends than you and her friends are going to Paris!!! I totally understand why, at 16, this seems like the preferable option. You get the rest of the summer holidays with her.

littleflick · 09/07/2015 15:41

She couldn't come home at half term because you were pregnant and her sister broke her arm? How do those things stop her from coming home? Odd.

Mashtag · 09/07/2015 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Athenaviolet · 09/07/2015 15:44

Yabu and selfish for wanting a 16yo to sacrifice a trip to Paris on her birthday to sit at home with mum and a newborn.

Be glad that at 16 she's not into babies. Grin

Original poster
Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 15:45

DH couldn't have collected her, I was in no state to drive and had to spend all my time with DD2. She started the week at a friend's house, and would have needed to be collected at a specific time so the friend could go on holiday with her family, and fortunately another friend invited DD1 so she was sorted out. DH had to go to America and couldn't get out of it, and DD2 was in hospital for 2 nights because of the operation and being very, very sick a few hours after eating something.
The term has always ended a few days after DD1s birthday so she's been in lessons! It will be the same for the next two, which is why I was so excited for this one.
For all of those who say that I should have expected this, maybe I should. I missed having a mum terribly growing up, and maybe try too much with my own DD1. I understand that she does want to be with her friends, and am happy to let her go, and have another birthday when she is back. They've planned Disneyland for it, and so I'll make sure to give her an extra chunk of spending money this time!

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 09/07/2015 15:47

you do sound nice OP.
Maybe 'postpone' her birthday til she gets back from Paris and then make a day of it?

PeppermintPasty · 09/07/2015 15:49

I love how some people are saying they don't judge you for sending her to B school, then say 'what did you expect' etc!

I wouldn't send my dc to bs, but the op has!

Op, purely on the issue, I think you should let her go with her friends, and delay the birthday celebrations.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 15:49

Your mum wasn't there because she was sick. I am so very sorry about that.

You aren't with your dd1 that much because she let her choose to go to boarding school at 11. It's very different.

I am sure if she can arrange and go to Paris, she could have got home 6 weeks ago. A taxi from school to the train station? Taxi from the train station home?

I am not judging the decisions you have made. However I can see why she doesn't feel the need to rush home for her birthday this year.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 15:51

peppermint why do you love it?

It's quite normal to not judge people and yet see how those decisions have led to the current situation.

Heels99 · 09/07/2015 15:52

Poor girl not allowed home for half term! No wonder she's made other plans for her birthday!

PeppermintPasty · 09/07/2015 15:56

But my point is that some people are judging, whilst maintaining that they are not!

SEsofty · 09/07/2015 15:56

Not seen her since may. Couldn't you visit the school for an afternoon to see her

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 15:59

I don't think saying 'what did you expect!' is judging.

It's looking at the situation and seeing how the OPs decisions have led to this happening.

Original poster
Esmesgirls · 09/07/2015 16:00

The school is in Europe- and before more people judge, we visited wix, and she loved it the most. It specialises in music and maths, her two favourite subjects, and she could have only been here for three nights of halfterm anyway, two of which DD2 was in hospital for.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 09/07/2015 16:01

To be honest, OP, if you can afford to send her to boarding school and to Paris, I'm sure you could have paid for a train or taxi to get her home from school.

googoodolly · 09/07/2015 16:01

X-post.

Teabagbeforemilk · 09/07/2015 16:04

So dh would have driven to the school on Europe and drives her back? She couldn't fly home. Fair enough.

However i don't think she feels pushed out. She is just used to making her own plans, independent of the family. I can see how that has happened. Doesn't make it easier for you through.