To not have any friends?

[WhatsTheT]

I am starting to feel like me and my OH are a bit strange? lol

My OH and I are both in our late 20s with a 7 mo

I have facebook friends, who are all friends from when I was around 18-22 and a few old school friends They are all very close knit, some with children, some without. They all go out in the evening and do daytime activities together all the time. I get invited, but I never bother, and when I do, I never enjoy it and I am just thinking about what I could do in my own time.
My OH is exactly the same (he doesn't even have social networking) and has about 2 friends plus his cousin who he will see every couple of months. He's also very close with his family.

We both either like doing our own thing alone or together, crafts, board games, computer games, walks, days out, museums, galleries, football...etc we really enjoy eachothers company and have since before we are a couple. (we've been together for years and friends longer then that)

We have always been this way. In fact that's how we met, in the corner of a party we really didn't want to be at lol.

So anyway to get to the point. A few days ago a friend messaged me asking me to come to night out someone was having, who I had met once. She explained "everyone will be going" so doesn't really matter that I don't know the host. I said no thanks....etc and she gave me an outburst of nonesense about me making myself a social outcast, that it's bad for the baby (I was invited to a bloody nightclub!?) I do take my baby to the children's centre for play sessions and she starts nursery soon when I go back to work, so I am not forcing her into a closed off life. She was a very very close friend, I thought we would eventually be close again when I was pregnant, as she has children, and thought we would bond over that, but she only seems to do social things with adults, and never any children friendly days out, which I would be happy to be involved in.

Everything they do involves money and I have none, they offer to lend but I really dont ever want to have to budget nights out and drinking and clothes into the little money I have spare that I spend on my hobbies.

I do sometimes look at facebook, see them all and think I'm missing out. But usually the idea of it all is much more fun than doing it, and the odd time I do give in and go to something, I'm pretty much a wall flower counting down the time til I can make my excuses and leave.

I do try and make an effort with them as in suggesting a brew or popping to their houses or a phone call, or taking the kids on a walk in the buggies, but they are only interested in big group activities they can brag about. So I rarely get a response.

I really dont want to be bothered anymore. I like being alone. Is that so wrong?

I'm like you OP, or rather my DH and I are. I don't think that I have ever been bored. He actually has more friends than me and does socialise on and off. But he never really wants to go and is always glad to be home. I find that I am just marking time when I am out.

However I did find that I had to make much more of an effort when the Dc were younger. We did the rounds of baby and toddler groups, despite the fact that I absolutely hated them. And I have always made sure that lots of invites were issued to the Dc's friends.

But,yes the perfect weekend,DH and I just doing things at home, going out for a drink in the evening, nice and quiet.

ok - your current FB drinking friends are not really your friends or not at this stage in your life. they were once but are not now. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I've been guilty of asking a new mum friend when I was single to 'come out and party' - some did and some didn't.

I also was very much a loner as a child with 2 close BFs through childhood and not many more! However I had a horrific time as a teenager with anxiety, depression and social issues, developed more friends but I do feel if I'd had more of a 'network' I wouldn't have been so upset or felt it as strongly.

when my BFF since 5 fell out with me at age 25 (we're not friends now!) I made another very close friend and then I had a social life with her and her/my friends for next 5 years. sadly this very close friend died when she was 33 and I lost the other friends (it was a clubbing crowd and I was never that close to the others) through not having much in common with them, we had fun though during our friendship time.

in 30s I joined meetup and friendship groups now have 4 close friends through that and various acquaintances and also 2 ex workmates who are more friends and a few other friends from other interests. That suits me for now. I divide my time equally between them and their time with me.

i will say, I knew a close female friend of family/me (P) who was married with an adult DD and DGSs'. She was a lot older than me (70's) but we got on well as she was almost an auntie to me. When her DH died about 8 years ago her life fell apart and she was a loner reliant on her DD and her family (they all moved in together eventually), P had moved miles from London to Devon to be near her DSis but then her DD moved in with her/bought a house together after her DH died. But there were problems as P neglected most of her old friends due to distance and only mixed with her Dnephew and his family and DSis. She was a very lonely woman.

I'm only telling you the above para as a sort of warning as she died early from cancer partly as she didn't want to carry on after her DH died.

I'm sure you'll be fine though.

What - I'm sorry I seem to have upset you and I assure you that I am not looking for an argument. You posted asking for people's opinions on choosing to be friendless and I gave you mine. I posted because it's an issue close to my heart due to my having family members having made similar decisions to you for similar reasons. I'm not offended that you don't agree with me but I don't think it's because I don't understand you're posts, I think it's because I have a different opinion to you. But as I already said you're clearly free to take or leave my opinion (which, again, I only have because you asked for people's opinions).

Eek *your posts obviously!

Thanks popcornpaws

The question you seem to really be asking is AIBU in losing contact with my previous group of friends with whom I now seem to have little in common? To which the answer would reasonably be YANBU.

Real "friendlessness" is something quite different. As is introversion.

I think really having no friends, through choice, is pretty sad, actually. Even one or two truly good friends (or family) will at some point in life be invaluable - someone to talk to. There might, e.g. be things that happen which you really need support with which you can't get from your OH.

SuperFlyHigh

I don't rely on my DC and partner for the company, I was happy alone before them. They were a "happy accident" in a loner life so to put it.

It's the 4th time I've had to repeat this now. (and understand the thread a few days ago with people who were annoyed and others who can't be bothered to read a thread)

I do not need warnings that I will be partnerless, childless and lonely. I understand they are not there forever.

People seem to be under the impression I was social, then locked myself away when I was happy with my lot, despite me repeatedly saying that isn't the case.

But according to your posts you were in full time education until age 22 and had friends in school and uni. And you've been with your partner for years and are now in your late 20s. Was there really such a long period of friendlessness and partnerlessness? Surely the post uni gap before you met your oh can't have been that long? I also think that the point people are making is that once you've lived with someone for years you do get used to having company whenever you need it. It is possible that someone can be happy single, then meet someone and be lonely after te relationship ends. But personally I actually agree that this is not the strongest reason for having friends. However, I wouldn't assume that people are disagreeing because they don't understand what you are saying. It is possible to come to a different conclusion in the same facts, hence the appeal of aibu!

OP - I'm not warning you and I have read the whole thread. It is you who seem adamant (and I don't doubt you are right in your own mind at all) that your way is the right way.

However others will testify to the fact not only with you but others that if you closet yourself away with just DC and DH then you may end up lonely. That is your call too, just as it was my mum's/my friend's choice.

so there is nothing wrong with being alone but why post on AIBU if you are adamant that you are fine?

Your playgroup/DC friends sound nice and possibilities for friendship but only if you want them.

It is nicer for me to be alone than out with friends but I've realised over the years that isolating myself does me no favours, in fact it led me (not saying it would lead you) to introspecting and dwelling on stuff that was part of my loneliness. Again, I am saying this is about me not you.

Also I beg to state - why did you meet your DP and have your DC if they were happy accidents? You didn't have to him by accident or not and surely you must have had some contact with DP to meet him?? you also didn't have to have your DC by accident surely you could make a decision. I'm saying this as someone who avoided for many years having DC and not having accidents!

and OP I don't think you were social ever but the friends you had on FB either they were friends you had through real life or not.. I don't think you've locked yourself away (your words) I think for whatever reason you've withdrawn from your circle for quite valid reasons! Nothing wrong with that at all and a lot of new mums do that.

This is a really interesting thread! I force myself to socialise, because I think it’s healthier than being too insular. And despite forcing myself make arrangements/accept invitations, nine times out of ten I enjoy the social things I arrange and am pleased I made the effort.

I do find some sorts of socialising draining, however I made a real effort to find the sort of socialising that works for me, and I’ve stuck to that.

It would be far too easy to spend all my time with DH. We’re rather short of relatives, have one son who is away at Uni, and we’re both happy to spend our leisure time together, but I still think it’s better for our relationship to have other interests.

I also worry that if DH got run over by a bus, I’d be left with a very empty life if I hadn’t cultivated a few friendships.

But according to your posts you were in full time education until age 22

How have you worked this out?! I started work when I was 16, I was an apprentice, have worked ever since.

And you've been with your partner for years and are now in your late 20s. Was there really such a long period of friendlessness and partnerlessness?

I went to uni part time while I was employed, didn't make or keep any friends on my course.

I have not had any "school friends" since high school. But the people I keep in touch with are actually from primary school with, a couple of people who I lost contact with over the years but we got back in touch.

Don't have any high school friends, or uni friends, I have on work friend from the job I have had for 4 years, but I have only met her once for an hour outside of work.

Also I beg to state - why did you meet your DP and have your DC if they were happy accidents? You didn't have to him by accident or not and surely you must have had some contact with DP to meet him?? you also didn't have to have your DC by accident surely you could make a decision. I'm saying this as someone who avoided for many years having DC and not having accidents!

My DP I met at a party, who didn't want to be there as much as I didn't, we ended up talking on and off, and formed a friendship outside of our other friends. We spent a lot of time indoors not doing very much and built a relationship from that.

our daughter was planned. When I say happy accident I mean and accident in life. I was happy in my solitude and wasn't really concerning myself with relationships, definitely not children, but it naturally progressed without any of the usual strain and stress I got from trying to make myself be friends with people and build up relationships with people.

I've still not had a friendship like that with anyone before or since. That's All I meant by it.

Thanks for all the people who gave varying opinions on what they think of friendships and relationships. IT's been really helpful.

Wasn't particularly helpful all the people nitpicking at words or phrases to try and create it into something heated that it really wasn't.

Was just opinions on whether they way I feel/act about friendship is strange, turns out it's not, and a lot of people feel the same as me and don't conform to social norms, and a lot of people live and let live, and others can't get their head around anyone dealing with relationships in a different way to them.

Lots of varying opinions, so thanks everyone. I feel much better :)

I was in a similar situation OP. When I left college I quickly became tired of the 'girlie nights out' that my friendship circle would organise that consisted of no real interaction other than people taking pouty photos for facebook. I phased out going on the nights out (but I'd always make the effort for a birthday or a special occassion). I would always suggest lunch, or meeting for coffee etc however I soon found myself out of the circle. For me it was a realisation that we weren't compatible as friends; they only wanted to see me on their terms and when I didn't fit in to that we drifted apart.

Fast-forward 10 years and they're still going to the same places and pulling the same pouty faces on Facebook that they were when we were close. Meanwhile I'm cosy at home with DP and SDC getting on with family life- and I love it! Family memories are what I'll remember in years to come; not how many shots of tequila I had on an 'epic binge'.

I have several acquaintances but I'd say 3 true friends and that's enough for me. Luckily my close friends are the settled, family-types that enjoy days out rather than nights out. I'd rather spend £50 on plants for my garden than alcohol down the local bar, and if people think that's sad then I really don't give a shit!

Don't let people pressure you in to thinking that you are somehow not normal just because you enjoy different things to that particular circle of people.

Profspice3

Thank you. I don't have the "true friends" you have. Maybe one, but we don't speak much as she chooses to be with the social circles you describe, but I know she'll always talk to me, even though we rarely do.

Hit the nail on the head with how I feel about things. I guess a lot of people think that way :)

WhatsTheT I think what happens is the more social people post on Facebook, loudly talk about it, constantly take photos so it can feel like EVERYONE except you is doing it. In reality there are loads of us who aren't but were quietly getting on with it so people don't notice

LashesandLipstick True :)

PrivatePike

I see the irony you are trying to invoke there. But you imply that I think the way other people have friendships is wrong? I don't. I understand why all the people I know enjoy doing what they do.

I don't think to tell them all that drinking and partying will mean they have a lonely and unfulfilled future with memories of duck pouts and one night stands, because I know people have more depth than that.

But all anyone seems to tell me is how I will regret it when my OH pops his clogs, and that I am relying on others for my happiness, which is kind of the opposite of my feelings.

How have you worked this out?! I started work when I was 16, I was an apprentice, have worked ever since

Sorry - you're right I read that you had friends from age 18-22 and assumed it was university. Sorry obviously a stupid thing to assume in retrospect! But still, apparently you had friends until age 22, you referred to school friends in your post and also to a friend you used to be close to and thought you'd be close to again. I'm not trying to make this heated, just pointing out that what you consider to have been past isolation might have involved social contact and therefore not be the same as real isolation.

Theycallmemellowjello I said I used to socialise that way until around 22, i.e used to meet up in these groups of people, go out drinking, really want to go home, home before everyone else, think "why did I do that?" Then repeat. :) by age 19 I'd stopped going out and only turning up for special occassions, but still then I didn't really "know" many people, just thought it's what I had to do to be normal and be around. I didn't really talk to them about personal things, or know anything about their personal lives

others can't get their head around anyone dealing with relationships in a different way to them

so patronising and I have to say, Ooohh the irony!!!!

OP people can understand!!! You can live without friends. You want to live without friends. You dont need friends. If dp leaves you or some such, you will be fine alone. You asked for opinions. You got them. You disagree with them. You have a wonderful introvert friendless life. Well done you. Still don't know why you asked for opinions if you were being unreasonable because you do not think you are.

I remember posting in Relationships about a year ago, I was concerned that I might not be socialising enough (why do I worry what other people think?). The general concensus was that my socialising sounded quite normal, ie I always do at least one social thing per week, and that if I'm happy with that, then that's fine. 'Comparison is the theft of joy' suggested one poster, and those words have stayed with me. I took this to mean that if low key socialising was my thing, then that's fine and don't worry about other people's 'epic binges' (fab phrase)!

But I still maintain 'no man is an island' and that we all benefit from a few friendship/connections.