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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have any friends?

129 replies

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 11:05

I am starting to feel like me and my OH are a bit strange? lol

My OH and I are both in our late 20s with a 7 mo

I have facebook friends, who are all friends from when I was around 18-22 and a few old school friends They are all very close knit, some with children, some without. They all go out in the evening and do daytime activities together all the time. I get invited, but I never bother, and when I do, I never enjoy it and I am just thinking about what I could do in my own time.
My OH is exactly the same (he doesn't even have social networking) and has about 2 friends plus his cousin who he will see every couple of months. He's also very close with his family.

We both either like doing our own thing alone or together, crafts, board games, computer games, walks, days out, museums, galleries, football...etc we really enjoy eachothers company and have since before we are a couple. (we've been together for years and friends longer then that)

We have always been this way. In fact that's how we met, in the corner of a party we really didn't want to be at lol.

So anyway to get to the point. A few days ago a friend messaged me asking me to come to night out someone was having, who I had met once. She explained "everyone will be going" so doesn't really matter that I don't know the host. I said no thanks....etc and she gave me an outburst of nonesense about me making myself a social outcast, that it's bad for the baby (I was invited to a bloody nightclub!?) I do take my baby to the children's centre for play sessions and she starts nursery soon when I go back to work, so I am not forcing her into a closed off life. She was a very very close friend, I thought we would eventually be close again when I was pregnant, as she has children, and thought we would bond over that, but she only seems to do social things with adults, and never any children friendly days out, which I would be happy to be involved in.

Everything they do involves money and I have none, they offer to lend but I really dont ever want to have to budget nights out and drinking and clothes into the little money I have spare that I spend on my hobbies.

I do sometimes look at facebook, see them all and think I'm missing out. But usually the idea of it all is much more fun than doing it, and the odd time I do give in and go to something, I'm pretty much a wall flower counting down the time til I can make my excuses and leave.

I do try and make an effort with them as in suggesting a brew or popping to their houses or a phone call, or taking the kids on a walk in the buggies, but they are only interested in big group activities they can brag about. So I rarely get a response.

I really dont want to be bothered anymore. I like being alone. Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:28

Appleblossom82

Oh sleeping out, I avoided that like the plague even when younger, gotta be in my own space in the morning :)

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:28

As I say, your prerogative, do what makes you happy What but not sure why you've started a thread in AIBU if you know what you want to do!

camelfinger · 08/07/2015 12:29

I'm with you op. I would love to have a few more friends who live locally, who I could just have a quick chat/walk/coffee with, without having to make grand expensive plans. Instead the sort of things I get invited to are big Facebook events in bars where I just feel that the host just wants lots of people to come just to feel popular. I'm not keen on meals out where you have a long table of about 20 people, you might sit next to someone you don't really want to talk to ( or neither do they) and you end up splitting the bill awkwardly. I agree that the idea of these events seems better than the reality, and will bear that in mind when thinking that everyone else is having more fun than me when I see these pictures on Facebook!
I find that with some groups of friends, it can be months and months between social events as everyone needs to be able to come, which means it is months away for a date to be found. So it all seems like a big song and dance, rather than just a casual chat in the pub or drinks at someone's house. I think that's why I'm quite happy doing things with DH and DC - we can decide what we want to do and just do it, rather than trying to involve everyone and ending up getting let down.

daisywellies · 08/07/2015 12:31

I'm an introvert who really enjoys time on my own. But I think it's important to have even a small group of friends who you can chat with and meet up with. Isolating yourself just doesn't sound healthy.
Also, while you have your dh for company now, what will happen when one of you is no longer around?
I knew a couple who were completely happy to just be together and never went out with friends or on holidays or anything like that. Then the wife died quite suddenly in her early 50s and it was incredibly lonely for her husband. I know no amount of friends are going to replace your wife, but having no friends can only make the bereavement and grieving process even harder.

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:32

As I say, your prerogative, do what makes you happy What but not sure why you've started a thread in AIBU if you know what you want to do!

I didnt really think I had to be out to chnge myself by posting in aibu?

I posted if people thought it was strange or bad that I dont want friends, turns out a lot of people feel the same and I feel a little less odd for it :)

OP posts:
Theycallmemellowjello · 08/07/2015 12:32

Ok well I'm clearly not convincing anyone, but I'll just say that I strongly dispute the idea that prefering small groups, one on one interaction, quiet conversation or finding socialising draining means that you have a preference for no friends. Introversion and friendlessness are not at all the same thing. In fact I'd say that preferring not to have friends is a completely different trait to introversion - I know people who get really energised from 'performing' in a group who don't have any real friendships.

Also I'd say that declining a stream of invitations at age 29 and having made a date with a friend which is cancelled is a very different proposition from what I would see as real friendlessness - not receiving any invitations or knowing anyone at all who you could invite round or talk to, at an older age when children have left and perhaps with partner gone etc. I think that many many people are happy in the former circumstance, but that does not mean that they all would be happy in the latter, but perhaps some of them would.

LashesandLipstick · 08/07/2015 12:34

WhatsTheT I never liked sleeping at others houses even as a child, and I don't like people staying here. It feels like an invasion!

molyholy · 08/07/2015 12:35

OP: Am I Being Unreasonable to not have friends?
Some PPs: No you're not
Some PP's: I think you are

OP: Well I don't think I am so nerrr Grin

That is why some people are confused as to why you posted in Am I Being Unreasonable, because you categorically think you are not being unreasonable, so why start the thread in the first place????

Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:36

I'm pleased What that you've got your validation then! You aren't on your own not wanting to socialise with anyone.

You are of course not U, it's your life. There were just some of us on here who wanted to point out how enriching it can be to have good friends. That's all.

Appleblossom82 · 08/07/2015 12:36

I think you will pick up some friends along the way whats the t. The friends you have sound more like aquaintences with very different preferences and interests.

When you hit it off with people it happens naturally and you will want to catch up for walk or a coffee or a rant over a glass of wine....just not too often eh? ;-)

LashesandLipstick · 08/07/2015 12:38

Appleblossom I find that. I have a very close friend who o see maybe once a month? We usually go for a coffee or to watch a film. It's just enough without it being draining

Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:39

Spot on TheyCallMe. What suits now might not suit in 30 years time as the person I know has proven. She has no good friends, she does have acquaintances but she put her life on hold for 30 years to only spend her time with her husband and no one else. Now he isn't there. Her life has changed beyond comprehension and she is struggling.

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:40

Instead the sort of things I get invited to are big Facebook events in bars where I just feel that the host just wants lots of people to come just to feel popular

I got invited to a gathering the other week, for a night out for a lass who had had her baby and could now drink again. Invited 400 + people... how personal :)

Also, while you have your dh for company now, what will happen when one of you is no longer around?

3rd time, this is not a relationship thing, from as long as I can remember as a child my own company has always been my best company. I "accidentally" met my OH in the corner of a party we both didn't want to be at. Despite us being from very different social groups and very unlikely, turned out we both ended up doing all the same things, it just grew from there, seemed effortless and not like any of the situations myself and others have described. Was more of a bonus, than me being social and then suddenly not being because I got a boyfriend.

I'm very friendly with people, I enjoy training courses, craft lessons...etc which I attend and get on well with all the people and have a nice time, I just don't socialise with the same people over and over doing things that don't make me happy, so I have no friends, per se, but I am very talkative, chatty, friendly with anyone I meet, I'm not shy or grumpy or anything like that :)

OP posts:
aquashiv · 08/07/2015 12:41

If you are happy in your own skin then of course it isn't a problem. Comparing yourself to others is waste of time and energy.

Theycallmemellowjello · 08/07/2015 12:43

Yes roussette, I think it is a really frightening thing. My parents really only have each other, I do worry how either one could cope without the other - hopefully it will not come to that.

Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:44

I need to rephrase that - she didn't put her life on hold but she did choose to not spend time with possible friends. Now not easy without those friendship roots.

I have a friend, someone I only see once every 6 months and we don't talk in between that often. Yet I know that if I had a problem I could go to her and talk if I wanted. Having that in your life is priceless. Then there's the friend I've known 40 years and we are in contact every few days, I knew her before my DH. I couldn't put a price on our friendship.

But everyone to their own - what suits some might not suit others.

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:45

Theycallmemellowjello

You are regularly missing my point. I don't get a "string of invites" and I didn't have one missed meeting with a friend. These are examples of regularly things over years of my life, not the last month.

The aibu is choosing to have no friends, because the "friends" I have are from years ago that invite me out of habit in a event invite on facebook of about 200+ people, and don't want any one on one interraction. Because the odd time is all does go and planned, I never ever enjoy it.

Therefore, AIBU to not want friends, not really care, and really accept that in my late 20s, I should accept I am happy with my solitude? And it seems a lot of people have posted similar situations which are comforting.

It's really not an argument or a black or white things, it's peoples opinions on social interactions.

Not every AIBU is a big "up for argument" type of subject :)

There's no real write or wrong.

OP posts:
WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:47

write? how illiterate! lol right*

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:50

Well Whats I wouldn't be going to the 200+ thing either. I have a very very small circle of friends. We go away together on holidays sometimes, (I'm talking 2 others here not lots!), we put the world to rights, I laugh till I cry, we have tears about tragedies we've had in our lives, we bond, we hug, it is the most enriching time AFAIC.

As much as you think are aren't being uncreasonable for not wanting any friends, I think the opposite because - to me- I can't put a price on friendship. I also love my solitude too just like you.

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 12:51

I wish people would stop bringing up the "when your OH dies" scenario.

I have been like this since childhood, without a partner, majority of my life I have been alone, and really enjoyed it, but had regular criticism from family, other friends who I have known for years through work or school...etc

It's not really about me and my OH being alone together, or me being too busy. I'm not too busy for people, I just prefer my time spent doing what I love, alone, or now, with OH who I was lucky to find in the first place.

Before I met OH I was happy in my alone time, really never considered I would find myself with someone the same, never mind being in a long term relationship and having a beautiful child.

So considering that I should force myself into social situations for the day my child leaves the nest and my OH leaves or dies seems odd, when I was alone and happy before them.

Why sacrifice my happiness now, to do something that MIGHT make happy later, but might not.. who knows.

OP posts:
Roussette · 08/07/2015 12:54

Yes, you were alone and happy when you were in your teens or whatever. But you categorically cannot say you will feel like that when you are old. Of course you shouldn't force yourself into any situation just in case something awful happens, I just think posters are saying don't close the door totally as time goes on because that is how you are determined to be whatever happens in your life because you said you would on MN haha

EffieTrinket · 08/07/2015 13:01

I agree that having no friends seems to attract a stigma of being weird.

I was an only child. I always found it hard to mix with others and have decided now at the age of 42 that it's ok not to want to.

I am like you OP. I can talk to anyone within reason, chat to strangers on the train, pass the time of day with checkout operators and my job is customer faced! But at the end of the day I want to go home and do my own thing.

I don't care anymore if people think I'm weird for it. I'm much happier for itSmile

WhatsTheT · 08/07/2015 13:02

Roussette

I understand where you are coming from.

It's not that I will think "right, if a see a friendship budding in my late 30s I will say no! because I've made the decision 10 years ago that I wont have any friends"

more that - I will give up on putting stock in these "friendships" I have now and stop forcing myself into things that make me unhappy just to fit social norms.

OP posts:
PrivatePike · 08/07/2015 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

popcornpaws · 08/07/2015 13:19

You can't make yourself do something you don't enjoy for "insurance" so you won't be lonely when your child leaves home!
I have loads of acquaintances and I'm very chatty etc but i don't socialise with friends.
Going out drinking bores me, i enjoy going out for meals, coffee, shopping etc but its either with family or alone.
I love my own company and don't give a shit what anyones opinion of that is.
Dont change, or let yourself feel pressurised to fitting in, its your life so live it as you like.