to think having kids isn't all it is cracked up to be?

[gummo]

I don't have children yet and am trying to decide if it is right for me. I have the added issue of a genetic problem if I do have decide to try which would require some intervention which is off putting enough but I have found after the past few years really paying attention to friends and family who are parents that it just doesn't look quite as joyful as it is made out to be.

It is very difficult to get a straight answer on this as I don't think you can give one. It is pretty impossible to say I love kids but I prefered my life before and wish they had never been born because even though people might have liked life before they had kids they could never wish their kids had not been born.

The only thing I can relate this too personally is that in my early 20's I started on a career which was dangerous and took me away from home for long stretches, my husband hated me being away and it caused horrible problems for us, in the end I had to choose between my career and my husband and I choose my husband because I love him and couldn't imagine a life without him. Perhaps if I had had the choice between love and the career I wanted prior to falling in love with my husband I would have chose the career.

If I had a child I am sure I would love it and give my all to that child but I also think that child would alter every part of my life my relationship with my husband, my new career only in its early stages, my freedom, my priorities and even the way I think would shift and I don't know if I want it too. It just feels like a very final choice to make and very limiting.

People say a lot of wonderful things about having kids but it isn't easy to see in their lives. Money, time, identity is all eaten up by children and it is impossible to do right either you stay home to look after them and are a parasite in the eyes of some or you work and neglect them in the eyes of others. So many I know have kids but only see them a few hours a day some even less if they are shipped out to grandparents.

I had a great childhoon and love my parents but I don't really feel any huge desire to have my own, I don't understand that, how it feels but I worry I am just missing something and one day I will realise too late what I have missed?

I can see how having family as you get older is a comfort for many but is that a reason to sacrifice my life now? Sometimes I feel that perhaps I am just not a people person and children are just little people. I even found the cat I had as a child a bit clingy.

I just don't get what other people see in it, and I wish I did.

museumum like you I know we'd 'cope' and 'manage' with a second child but I don't want to cope and manage and get by.
I know I would be a shouty, stressed mother of more than one. I know myself!
We are happy as a family of three and my attitude is very much 'to hell with the naysayers'.

Neither of my parents should have had children. They took care of us adequately, well, mum much more so than dad.

They aren't desperately keen grandparents either.

At least they are consistent, I suppose.

Sorry OP, kind of off topic, but there do seem to be some people who don't get this Big Love even once the children are born.

I was an only child, who had two children in my early forties. My only living parent was old and has since died, and I had children as I didn't want to be old and alone, though I had never felt any biological clock ticking. I had already been married once, years ago, so knew that men don't always stick around, and I wanted my own blood relations! Both my children are from my second marriage. I do love my kids, who are 8 and 9 now, but I find being a parent (with no family support at all) much harder than I ever imagined (understatement!) and it has changed my life so completely, that no, given the choice again, I would not have children, even out of fear!

What boomboom said 100000% !

I finally managed it at 42. I'd never wanted children really, and I was not interested in them. I was very career-focussed. I was ambivalent but when dd was born (very prematurely) I took to parenting like a duck to water! I really surprised myself.

I didn't actually miss work, either! However my family have since died and my relationship has broken down. I found having an only child without any family support (plus a selfish, entitled dp) very isolating.

I'd be very aware that nothing will be the same. And you can't send them back either???? .

I don't have kids, never wanted them, never regretted it (41 now), I live a v happy and fulfilled life full of joy and love, feel so lucky how spontaneous I can be, and yes, how selfish I can be, long lie ins, plenty of cash, sleep, never worrying or feeling guilty or responsible for anyone but me, I have an amazing DP and we are v loving and affectionate and focussed on one another, which I don't think would be the case had we decided to have kids. When I think about babies I just see negatives, no positives at all.

Not having kids has worked out very well indeed for me, couldn't be happier, everyone is different tho obviously!

Fine not to have kids, but don't, don't, don't have regrets. If you think you might, just possibly, then maybe you should consider having a family. What about your OH? Does he get a say?

It's not for everyone but I second what bstokegirl has said. No regrets.
I defiantly didn't feel the rush of love, we had dc because it was next step and never thought too much about it. Dc 1 was such a good baby, I went back to work 3 months post baby and prefered work if I m honest.
Then we tried again, ended up doing ivf.
Had twins...very premature. Both so sick. In hospital for months. Dt2 stopped breathing the week we got home thankfully we'd a nurse (by chance) in the room and he did cpr till ambulance arrived.
More time in hospital and then he got a serious strain of bacterial mengitis.
We were told complete recovery was approx 7%. He was 5lb and we hadn't really even had him home.
Another 7 weeks in hospital....
It was tough but we were fine and around their 1st birthday I fell apart....I think I started breathing for the first time in years....A month of crying and I came out the other side.
I was someone who was annoyed a bit by kids but I can honestly say I adore mine. I dumped my job and happily stay at home with them...Every day I look at them and thank god they're mine.
So my love was a slow burn but it's intense now. I cuddle them to death and see my job as raising them to be independent confident and strong people.
I had my doubts I wanted children but I'm so glad we did....my dh wanted them more than I did but I can't imagine anyone in the world loves someone as much as I love them.
It's not about the bum wiping, washing, sleepless nights.. its the good bits like their eyes, their little take on the world and the cuddles....The "work" end is nothing compared to the amazing bits.
Not every day is wonderful but I make sure I see all the good bits and enjoy them....
They're not just my babies they are little people who will go out in the world and make their own way and make a difference.
Soooo if you've doubts seriously re consider not having them, if your dh wants them even more reason to think long and hard.
It's not a bed of roses but lots of people complain about dc and I just wanted to say that yes hard work but they are amazing and no children compare to your own

Kids are great, if you don't mind the debt, hospital bills, the hundreds and thousands of dollars towards clothing, food and waking up at all hours of the day or night to feed your child. The inability to really have a life of your own because your life now belongs to the child.
Raising a child is basically raising an adult that's incompetent. Everything an adult needs, so does your child.
Then there's school and/or college debt.
It's estimated to raise a child in the United States is $315,000 to $350,000 from 0 to 18; this does not include medical expenses nor does it include College.

Here’s the deal. Life with young kids is hard. Very hard. I’m finding it gets easier as they grow older but the stress and exhaustion and general angst my wife and I have endured is like nothing I could possibly explain. We have virtually no support network so it really is just us and the kids, all the time. Other than work, there is no time for anything else at all.

And they make a lot of mess. It is utterly demoralising to be a grown adult and want to live in a nice home only for them to make the most ridiculous mess constantly.

However.....on genuine balance.... I would not choose differently. Ever.

They are complete innocent and joy. They enrich the world, certainly ours.

Before they came along we were tiring of weekends away, luxuries, nights out etc. We knew, both of us, that the things we enjoyed in life would not fulfill us. Had we not been able to have children we would have been devastated and there would have been a huge empty hole in our lives and in our home.

It is very hard. People are not honest enough about that. It is though very much worth it.

Clean your house until it's spotless, then ask a friend to come round and smear ketchup everywhere.

Withdraw cash from the cash point and rip it into tiny pieces.

Cook a nice meal and throw it straight in the bin.

Get up at 6am everyday whether you need to or not.

If you enjoy these things, then having a child is a great idea.

How did you even find this to revive it...?!