to think having kids isn't all it is cracked up to be?

[gummo]

I don't have children yet and am trying to decide if it is right for me. I have the added issue of a genetic problem if I do have decide to try which would require some intervention which is off putting enough but I have found after the past few years really paying attention to friends and family who are parents that it just doesn't look quite as joyful as it is made out to be.

It is very difficult to get a straight answer on this as I don't think you can give one. It is pretty impossible to say I love kids but I prefered my life before and wish they had never been born because even though people might have liked life before they had kids they could never wish their kids had not been born.

The only thing I can relate this too personally is that in my early 20's I started on a career which was dangerous and took me away from home for long stretches, my husband hated me being away and it caused horrible problems for us, in the end I had to choose between my career and my husband and I choose my husband because I love him and couldn't imagine a life without him. Perhaps if I had had the choice between love and the career I wanted prior to falling in love with my husband I would have chose the career.

If I had a child I am sure I would love it and give my all to that child but I also think that child would alter every part of my life my relationship with my husband, my new career only in its early stages, my freedom, my priorities and even the way I think would shift and I don't know if I want it too. It just feels like a very final choice to make and very limiting.

People say a lot of wonderful things about having kids but it isn't easy to see in their lives. Money, time, identity is all eaten up by children and it is impossible to do right either you stay home to look after them and are a parasite in the eyes of some or you work and neglect them in the eyes of others. So many I know have kids but only see them a few hours a day some even less if they are shipped out to grandparents.

I had a great childhoon and love my parents but I don't really feel any huge desire to have my own, I don't understand that, how it feels but I worry I am just missing something and one day I will realise too late what I have missed?

I can see how having family as you get older is a comfort for many but is that a reason to sacrifice my life now? Sometimes I feel that perhaps I am just not a people person and children are just little people. I even found the cat I had as a child a bit clingy.

I just don't get what other people see in it, and I wish I did.

I thought like you until I actually had DS (he was a surprise!). I didn't much like children (or people generally!) and just felt no desire to be a mother.

THEN, the second he arrived, I thought he was the best thing in the world! I love being a mother and don't mind the sacrifice at all (and DS is disabled so I would say I have to make significantly more sacrifice than most). I want to have three!

Mind you, I always completely adored and cossetted all my pets and all animals, so I guess the maternal instinct was always there. I don't think it's promising that you found your cat clingy!

ProudAS I hope you have friends with kids, as people like you are like gold dust in my opinion: folks without their own kids but who are keen to lavish attention on kids of people they're close to. I have a couple of friends like this and we all get a lot out of it, especially my DS.

The trouble with this question is you'll probably only be certain what the right answer was, many years after it stops being a choice.

I had children because I needed to do it, I had a biological urge which was utterly unquestionable. I'm still not sure if it was the right thing to do, there are days when it's much harder than I expect and days when they bring me so much joy I wouldn't change it for the world. If I'd never had them, I'd not know the way I'd feel in those amazing moments when it's all perfect, so I probably wouldn't miss it. Certainly, that urge to have them has little relation to the way I feel about them now, which is far more complicated and has taken my life in directions I never expected.

Both my sisters are blissfully childfree, neither of them have ever wavered from that decision, but I wonder if they have the opposite 'what if?' moments to the ones I do. None of us would swap, but maybe we do all wonder whether the grass is greener?

I think you'll make the right choice, having given it a lot of thought and consideration of how it will affect your life either way.

I'm mid thirties and so,far no maternal instinct has kicked in. I enjoy other people's children....for approximately twenty minutes. Then start to find them quite irritating and am usually relieved when they leave. I don't think I was destined for motherhood!
I do have those worries about growing old alone, but I know quite a few parents whose children have gone non contact or emigrated far away, so some people will grow old alone despite having done the parenting thing. There are no guarantees.

It was the right thing for me though I was so scared of the responsability I ended up getting pregnant by accident.

However not everyone is cut out for it, or there would not be so many horrible stories in the papers, would there? And its for eighteen years at least

I've been dating a gentleman for about 4 months now. He's been divorced 2 years. He babysits the dog they both owned while married. She went out of town this past weekend. When she came to get the dog. My BF introduced us. She quickly said hi and acted annoyed. Later that night she sent me a friend request on Facebook.....I've ignored it......why in the world would she do that?

For me, being a mum has been worth the sacrifices.

I don't think I ever would have been as happy in another reality where I had no babies.

But you might be different!

I'm mid thirties and so,far no maternal instinct has kicked in. I enjoy other people's children....for approximately twenty minutes. Then start to find them quite irritating and am usually relieved when they leave. I don't think I was destined for motherhood!
I do have those worries about growing old alone, but I know quite a few parents whose children have gone non contact or emigrated far away, so some people will grow old alone despite having done the parenting thing. There are no guarantees.

This ^ (albeit I'm older)

It's not like you're slogging away at it forever. My two are 13 and 8 and are never underfoot. They keep themselves occupied and don't seem to need me very much anymore. I've started encouraging lots of friends sleeping over as it's nice to have more noise in the house.
And I don't even like kids!

Why would my boyfriend's ex wife send me a friend request? We met once....she acted like she couldn't be bothered. They have been divorced 2 years.

If your dh gives up or slows down his career then you can carry on as normal.

Don't listen to people who say it will take your focus of work of course it doesn't have to.

i wouldnt say having kids isnt all its cracked upto be having kids completeley changes your life i have two, my second was born with a rare chromosome disorder and has disabillities but i wouldnt change my boys for anything its fine if you dont want children not everybody does.

*mommyof23kids

It's not like you're slogging away at it forever. My two are 13 and 8 and are never underfoot. They keep themselves occupied and don't seem to need me very much anymore*

No guarantee of this. My DD cannot occupy herself and probably will always be "underfoot". I didn't go into motherhood expecting this either.

But you need to be prepared for anything.

Motherhood doesn't have to stop you doing things you want to do though. Sometimes it might be difficult to arrange but it depends on your drive. Cactusannie says she hasn't written more than 1000 words in 5 years, whereas after my 3rd child I wrote a 3000 word essay 4 days after birth.

If it needs doing and it is a priority it will remain that way no matter how many children you have imo.

I think if I'd had lots of children I wouldn't enjoy it so much. I did want to have 2, ended up with 1 and it's actually really lovely. I find that I have plenty of time to myself, I can be there for her, help her whenever she needs it, plan lovely things for us to do together which I have both the time and the money for. I'm very rarely harassed and can manage being a mum alongside part time work and looking after my mother in law. Life feels lovely really.

I think if I'd had several children I would be very harassed which was sort of what my parents were like when I was little, lovely but constantly tired and stressed with very little time to spare to do fun things for themselves or with myself and brothers.

I went through my 20s not really wanting children, I don't like them, find them boring and irritating. I did have the same worries that you describe sometimes: that I'd regret it if I didn't have any, and that I'd be lonely later in my life, but I didn't think it was a good idea to have a baby for those reasons.

When I was on my second date with DP though, I remember looking across the table at him and knowing that I could see a future together, and part of that meant having a family. It was weird and I can't describe it, I didn't want children per se, I wantedhischildren.

I'm now the mother of an 8 month old who I adore completely, and family life gives me moments of joy that I couldn't replicate without them. It is, of course, incredibly hard, tiring and tedious as well.

I wouldn't change my life, in fact we're planning another pregnancy. My family is the best thing in my life and I feel very lucky to have had the opportunity to create it. I have no doubt though that if I hadn't met DP but had carried on with my life as it was I would be very happy now, although things would be very different for me. I dont think I'd feel too much regret.

The only other thing that might be worth mentioning is that during my pregnancy I felt a bit regretful that all the hard work I'd put into my career might not pay off the way it could have done, as I thought that choosing to have a baby would mean scaling back my professional ambition. Now dc is here though, I find that I'm more motivated than I've ever been, because I have to provide for him and because I want to set an example to him. It's harder now, obviously, because I have to juggle work with childcare arrangements and DP and I work around each other's commitments, which is a logistical nightmare, but the will and the drive to do it is increased in both of us.

I don't think there's a right answer, but I think it's important to make the absolute best of whatever you choose.

How can someone who doesn't have children tell those who do that it "isn't all its cracked up to be?" How in the fuck would you know?

Have one, don't have one, its your choice. You don't sound like you want to or that you like the idea at all, which is perfectly fine. And having one just in case you feel later like you missed out is a terrible idea.

Reading back some if OP's comments, it sounds like she wanted people to reinforce her ideas about mother's lying about how fab motherhood is, when all I can see are people saying yes it's hard and don't do it if you really don't want to. Nobody has said being child free is 'fine' but motherhood is better. It's not. It's a personal choice that you have to live with either way. I have a lovely child free friend who constantly worries about her lack of desire to have children. I tell her it's not that great and frankly the only thing that stops it being a living nightmare is that my work life balance is much better, increasing my creativity, and the fact that I really wanted them. She accuses me(jokingly) of putting her off instead of telling her its brilliant and she should do it. IMO the only reason to have them is that you really want them and want to be a good parent to them. My grandmother has 5 children and really only 2 go and see her regularly ( she's not very nice!) she's still ended up in a home.

I am 34 and child-free through choice. I can't see that changing. My sister is currently pregnant and I'm so excited to be an auntie, I love my friends' kids and I like having children in my life, but I know that motherhood is not for me.

I enjoy life too much, I have so many friends and hobbies, I love to just be spontaneous on a sunny weekend and leave work early and go away with a rucksack and a tent, I think I am too selfish to spend my free time taking my children to football practice and I cannot imagine dealing with children after a full day at work when I want to come home and have some quiet time. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I had a preganancy scare last year and I was peeing on the stick I realised how sick with fear I felt that it would be positive. I think that shows that this is a genuine feeling.

I have one child, and had a MC recently, so would ideally like 2. I have a full time career (although a flexible one so my timings aren't fixed). I have worked since DS was 7 months old. DH has a more demanding career. We depend on childcare which we pay for, but I am home by 3:30 on most days to pick up DS and do dinner and bath, and then make up for that time when he is asleep. When I can't do that, DH handles it. In terms of logistics- we don't have family nearby as we are expats, but our CM will occasionally babysit when DS is asleep. So we have had the odd dinner/theatre/night out. Not like pre children, but our lives aren't boring by any means.

My main interest is in books, theatre, food, museums and sport. I've more or less managed to keep up with it and now that DS is 3.4 I am thoroughly enjoying sharing my interests with him. We had a lovely day at the National Gallery last month and he's asked for a 'Gallery day' for his birthday. We are watching Wimbledon together this week and we go to plenty of restaurants. I think I had underestimated what fun it would be to do this stuff with him. But I also accept that it is easier because DS is a calm, agreeable child who is not prone to tantrums. That is very much the luck of the draw.

Yes, the early days were frazzled and sleep deprivation is awful, but DH and I share our parenting duties equally, and that helped and has helped enormously. I am not a fan of tiny babies but they don't stay newborns for long. Everything post 18 months has been mostly fun and I think motherhood has been a lot MORE than it was cracked up to be.

It is very much an individual choice. My life has changed especially since we have no family nearby- I have to be more organised, far less spontaneous etc. But for me, personally, the sacrifices have been not as noticeable as the rewards.

For me having children is way way harder than i imagined. I do have difficult children tho. I miss my old life a lot (even tho it was shit - if i had a great job and lots of friends and a great relationship then i probably wouldn't have wanted children). But it's important for me to remember that the horrendous stage is up to 3yo and in only 18years (which i think is a short time) they will be leaving. The first 2 years with both of mine have been utterly hellish and i defo wouldn't have had children if i had known - we are planning one more as once past 2 you really get lots back.

Most people i know chose not to have children. Some were undecided but once they saw their friends with dc realised how hard the first few years are. Some of them would have been so utterly miserable and resented the child.

I left my first husband because he didn't want children. He said he'd compromise and give it a go, but i thought it wasn't fair, and i'm so glad i left. He would have hated it and them and me and himself.

I do love my children a lot obviously and i wouldn't be without them now, but i don't think it's for everyone and i often meet people who would hate it. (especially mine!)

The fact that the word "kids" is used in the question is quite important.

I have one. I 'thought' I would have at least two, but I know for sure one is right for us. Me in particular.

Nobody ever says "would you like a kid?" It's always the plural.

We have been sold an ideal in which all children have siblings and a mummy and daddy but that is not real life.
There are plenty of happy families with one child. There's no rule that says you MUST have more.

OP if you found a cat clingy, you most likely won't like the baby stage. I didn't. My DC is 4 now and the light of my life. We have enormous fun, I am most certainly a fan of older children. I hated the baby stage.

My career has taken a hit but I've found other things I'm interested in and I am glad in a way that DC took my focus off the career I had.

OP if you're still watching this thread you might want to take a look at this video (Artsnight - it was on last week and answers the question you put about career and adult life vs. having a child and whether it stifles those impulses).

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b06157sm/artsnight-series-2-2-lily-cole

Ultimately, I think its up to you whether you allow having DC to stifle your career ambitions and creativity. Some people manage to combine perfectly well. It takes determination and organisation, but it IS possible. Those who let their careers drift (and I include myself in this number), often didn't care a great deal about their careers in the first place. Of course, it helps if you have an understanding spouse who does their fair share at home and sees your career and professional satisfaction as important and valuable as their own. Would you DH pull his weight, do you think?

violator - I was just about to post the same thing. In the UK people always say "to have children, or to not have children" never "to have a child".
I have a child. And will probably not have another. My dh and I feel there's only a certain amount of us to go round. We are happy with one child and feel we have the ability to give him what he needs without giving up on our careers or the things we love. We don't believe in the negative stereotypes about only children and we have close links to a culture where one child families are the norm.
I'm pretty sure we could "cope" with another child but right now we're positively enjoying life so why should we put ourselves through that? Ds benefits from our time, energy and happiness.