to think having kids isn't all it is cracked up to be?

[gummo]

I don't have children yet and am trying to decide if it is right for me. I have the added issue of a genetic problem if I do have decide to try which would require some intervention which is off putting enough but I have found after the past few years really paying attention to friends and family who are parents that it just doesn't look quite as joyful as it is made out to be.

It is very difficult to get a straight answer on this as I don't think you can give one. It is pretty impossible to say I love kids but I prefered my life before and wish they had never been born because even though people might have liked life before they had kids they could never wish their kids had not been born.

The only thing I can relate this too personally is that in my early 20's I started on a career which was dangerous and took me away from home for long stretches, my husband hated me being away and it caused horrible problems for us, in the end I had to choose between my career and my husband and I choose my husband because I love him and couldn't imagine a life without him. Perhaps if I had had the choice between love and the career I wanted prior to falling in love with my husband I would have chose the career.

If I had a child I am sure I would love it and give my all to that child but I also think that child would alter every part of my life my relationship with my husband, my new career only in its early stages, my freedom, my priorities and even the way I think would shift and I don't know if I want it too. It just feels like a very final choice to make and very limiting.

People say a lot of wonderful things about having kids but it isn't easy to see in their lives. Money, time, identity is all eaten up by children and it is impossible to do right either you stay home to look after them and are a parasite in the eyes of some or you work and neglect them in the eyes of others. So many I know have kids but only see them a few hours a day some even less if they are shipped out to grandparents.

I had a great childhoon and love my parents but I don't really feel any huge desire to have my own, I don't understand that, how it feels but I worry I am just missing something and one day I will realise too late what I have missed?

I can see how having family as you get older is a comfort for many but is that a reason to sacrifice my life now? Sometimes I feel that perhaps I am just not a people person and children are just little people. I even found the cat I had as a child a bit clingy.

I just don't get what other people see in it, and I wish I did.

I love my life as a parent. It has filled a gap I hadn't even realised was there, they are my absolute beginning, middle and end. But I've always understood that some people genuinely have no desire to have them, and respect that choice without needing to question it. My younger sister doesn't dislike children, but won't have any. It's just who she is. Kids are like Marmite; you either like them or you don't.

I think it's entirely possible to live an incredible life with and without children. They're not a guarantee of anything; people I know with children have still ended up lonely in later life, have ended up without their children speaking to them. It's all completely pot luck; you just have to hope for the best with whichever choice you make.

My husband is on the fence like me, he says he would be happy either way but obviously he isn't jumping up and down to have them. That said he is actually very good with kids, much better than me and is a much loved Uncle. I feel bad that I might be depriving him of fatherhood.

Also already a few responses on here which kind of imply that parenthood is amazing while a life without children is merely good. I can see how going to the gym, going out and traveling is not as meaningful as raising children but perhaps some things might be or at least on a par. I am just starting out as a professional artist after 6 years in art school and it means so much to me. I would obviously be the main carer. I work long hours every day but don't make enough to put a baby into a nursery during the week and I would feel bad about it. I feel I that having a baby would take my focus of my work and perhaps jeopardise it altogether. I feel this because people don't generally take art as seriously as a more usual career path they think it is ok to expect you to take time away from your work day to do things for them.

It is possible that if I were already more established as an artist by now or if I didn't want to be an artist then I would probably be more positive with having a child, I want to be an artist more than I want a child but then that is now maybe I will never make it as an artist, few people do.

I was adamant I didn't want children from a child myself. Couldn't imagine why anyone would put themselves through pregnancy and birth, and then spend the next 18+ years putting themselves second to the needs of their children when there was perfectly good contraception available

I was one of those women Cat mentions who suddenly aged 39 changed my mind. I now have 2. I am glad I waited until I was ready, but in a way sad I wasn't ready sooner as the intangible upsides of having children just can't be explained. They are wonderful, the bond I have with them is incredible, the love you have for your children is unlike anything you have ever felt before.

That said, if you don't want them don't have them, as it isn't fair on the child. The number of women who choose not to have dcs is on the rise, it isn't such an unusual choice any more.

It's absolutely fine to not want kids. At 37 I came to the conclusion that I would remain child free, and it was ok. I'm lucky in that I have a number of really inspirational older female friends who are child free (whether by chance or design) and I could see that it was a path I didn't mind taking.

However, quite by chance I met someone great, and ended up becoming a mother aged 40. It's wonderful, but knackering. Easier than I expected, but has changed everything. Everything suddenly makes sense, and I feel very fulfilled.

But, if it hadn't happened, that would've been just fine too.

Oh yes, "especially the women"

Before I had mine I just hadn't clocked at all that gender differences are huge in the arena of pregnancy and baby rearing. I have the most amazing DH who really pulls his weight which is probably why it never occurred to me, but I just hadn't appreciated how much I would have the raw deal by having to go through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and all the associated crazy hormones. Let alone making career/job compromises, feeling locked in to flexible working, feeling that constant tension between needing a life of your own and devoting your life to your gorgeous baby.

It's a total game changer and it's impossible to truly understand the implications before you go on the journey.

It is, without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me! I adore the dc.

Having DS turned my life upside down in ways that I hadn't imagined. My life became all about him. The early months were incredibly hard, I was stressed, exhausted and DS's arrival certainly took it's toll on my marriage. It has been sooo much harder and emotionally draining than I ever thought it would be.

However somebody once told me that you can never know how much power you have inside of you to love someone until you have a child.

I love my DS with all my heart, sometimes I feel like I could burst with love when I look at him. The strength of my feelings for him are overwhelming at times - except when I'm shouting at him for throwing his bricks at the telly

Sometimes I feel nostalgic for the life I used to have where I could be carefree and I had so much freedom, but at the same time I think how pointless my life seemed to be.

Prior to having DS, if I was at work and having a really bad day I would feel so miserable and low, I would let it play on my mind, I would take my worries home with me and find it difficult to put work to one side. However, since having DS no matter how bad my day is I fail to care too much because all I'm thinking is that I get to go home to DS.

Having him in my life makes the bad days just that little bit brighter and more bearable

You sound to be in a confusing time of your life, at a crossroads of do I have children or don't I? It must be a hard decision to make if you don't feel strongly either way. I hope you manage to find a way of tackling the issue and no matter what decision you make I'm sure you'll have a happy and fulfilled life

I totally adore my children BUT it is at a cost. I am absolutely not cut out to be a SAHP and was lucky to be able to go back to work when DTs were 1 part time, 3 days a week. It saved my sanity, I really couldn't have done it much longer.

It was tough on my relationship, still is, it's become apparent we have very different parenting styles.

Tantrumming toddlers are a royal pain in the arse.

I miss the time I used to have to myself - gym, swimming etc. I getting back to it now but it's taken nearly 4 years to have the energy and find the time to do it. I miss being spontaneous, pop out for a drink or something to eat on a sunny evening. The first year was so exhausting we hardly saw our friends. The girls were on a super strict schedule that totally dictated where we could and what we could do. Couldn't be more laid back as if hey weren't on the same schedule it would have been horrendous.

I feel like we are coming to the end of that now - it's so much easier and these amazing little people are growing and hanging and starting school in September. I would do anything for them.

Would I have another child - not a chance in hell. I've never been maternal for me it was more of an 'if I don't do it know I'll never do it' kind o thing. I'm not really bothered about other peoples children either. I think having twins was fate / god / whatever you believe in / way of giving my child a sibling because I they weren't twins they would have been an only for sure

Each life path is brilliant but they're very different. I do miss all sorts of aspects of my old life but I can't put into words how my love for my DS makes me feel. It's a leap of faith therefore to have a child! Do bear in mind though that most people talk in terms of children plural, whereas it's pretty common now to have just one, and while that's still a complete game changer, it does in time make some of the practical stuff more manageable - you as parents always outnumber them , it's relatively easy to get babysitters or a weekend away as a couple, etc.
I'd also say it makes a massive difference to have a partner who is a really good, committed co-parent - of course people can always surprise you horribly, but if you are confident your partner is kind, reliable and strong, it really helps.

i would obviously be the main carer/I would feel bad about nursery

So that's two careers you'd have given up? No wonder you are ambivalent....

I don't think that you're being unreasonable because that's a weird thing to ask in this context. Obviously having kids is not for everyone and to be honest it sounds like you fall within that category if you're still very undecided in your mid 30s and struggle to see the benefits of having a baby.

For me, no experience in the world could match how it feels to be a mum and I've done quite a lot with my life so far (don't plan on stopping). I always knew I wanted kids though. It can be extremely tough, especially as a single parent, but it's impossible to describe how amazing it is until you've done it.

Good luck.

To be honest with you OP, I wouldn't recommend it. I am 28 and have an 8 week old DS, my first child. People may say this is PND speaking, or some sort of PTSD after a truly horrendous pregnancy and birth (10 months of hyperemesis followed by an appalling labour which ended in an EMCS), but I am really struggling to come to terms with being a mother and feel I've made a massive mistake. DS is very cute, generally quiet and currently easily manageable but he has changed everything. DP and our families all absolutely adore him but I am really grieving for our life before he came along. He wasn't planned and I was quite up-in-the-air about whether or not I wanted children of my own (have an 8 yr old DSD) as I felt quite fulfilled by the children in my life. When we found out about DS I thought I wanted a child but the reality of it is that a baby is all-consuming and will require all of your time and attention and it completely changes your body, your relationship with your partner and your whole life. Not to mention the dozens of little 'surprises' that come along in pregnancy, birth and child rearing that no one tells you about. To date, I haven't experienced this mythical "rush of love" that is supposed to make it all worth it. I honestly can't believe this is how I feel, I thought I'd take to motherhood naturally. This experience is not something I can say has improved my life or fulfilled in any way. I'll do my best to give DS a good life but currently I can honestly say I regret having him, as awful as that sounds.

I'd say if you're not jumping to be a mother, think seriously about the fact that you are not actually required to be one. You can just enjoy your life with your partner; that is a perfectly valid and acceptable choice.

I'm not gonna lie parts of it are hard you have to put someone before yourself at all times it's tough figuring out how to juggle your time etc but it's impossible to describe what it means to be a parent my life would be so different now without my dd and definitely a lot easier but she is mine and I love her and it feels like a natural part of life to me to care for and nurture someone.

I didn't feel like this before I had her i never really wanted kids at all

Op please don't have kids unless you are prepared to make them your priority.
I couldn't imagine my life without my boys, it is without a doubt the reason I am on this earth, but they need an incredible amount of energy, time, money, planning, etc,etc. if you are not prepared to give them the part of you they need then spare them the problem

To me it's the be all end all. I would have been desolate if I couldn't be a mother and felt hugely lucky to have Dd. I found the little baby stage very hard but since then it's been plain sailing. It's a lot like any loving relationship, it can be fabulous and it can be hard work, also boring, exciting, demanding, fulfilling. It's everything but for me, aside from the first few months it has been overwhelmingly positive.

george I think you need to speak to someone about how you feel, having an 8 week old is absolutely knackering but it sounds like you could have a touch of PND if you feel that low. If it's any consolation you're at the hardest part (in my view).

OP, other posters have said it really- on paper it pretty much always looks like a bad decision to have kids: less money, no time to yourself, career sacrifices, drudgery. But that all pales into insignificance when you actually have a child and realise the extremes of love they can bring. Don't confuse an easy life with a happy one.

I always think about what I would regret on my deathbed - not earning more money or going on holiday more, or not creating and loving children of my own, and watching them learn about the world and grow. The answer is always the latter, even when they're being little buggers.

The small stuff is hard, but the big stuff is what life is made of.

Also, you don't have to sit around watching them for 18 years. They do go to school you know!

I have three, the eldest is five. It's the very best of times and the very worst of times. Zorba the Greek's 'full catastrophe'.

So much has happened in these few years and the baby days are further away with each new nappy change. I am heading off on a three day conference in two weeks and I've started doing all sorts of things again, eating out, meeting friends, going running, art classes.

After my second I had severe PND and a year's worth of therapy and psych review. Already feels a lifetime ago, and that was a mere three years ago. It goes at lightening speed. I miss it, now. That's the human condition for you. You can really struggle with something and still, later, look on it as a time of great richness and colour in your life.

No one can ever know, that's the thing. You either do, or don't. Whatever will be, will be.

We don't have children.

I have never wanted them but DH thought he might. Eventually, we had a conversation about it and I explained my feelings (and the fact it wouldn't be an option for much longer due to my age) but said that if he felt strongly that he did want children we needed to discuss it. He said he had been giving it some thought and decided that we were happier without. His main reasons for thinking he might initially was more because he thought he should and most of our friends have rather than any particular desire.

And in all honesty, reading MN for a year or so has made sure I don't regret the decision we made. I am not cut out for it and neither is DH. I'm thankful that we both recognised that and didn't have DCs just because we thought we should and friends/family thought we should just because they were.

Not everyone wants to or is cut out to be a parent and there's no guilt or shame in accepting that, IMO.

Thank you all for responding and being so open it does help except that their seem to be as many answers as there are people and it is a leap of faith really either way.

If I did have children I am certain they would be my priority and that I would love them unconditionally because as far as I can see motherhood does change you in a fundamental way so that things that used to seem important like making art or nights out and so on now seem trivial, that is natures way. I am scared of letting nature take over I guess.

My 25 year old ds is getting married next year and we were chatting about that tonight.

I have had a beer with my 24 year old ds who paid

Dd 16 was sharing boy friend secrets while dd 15 got hair dye all over the bloody towels. All tonight.

Hey ho. Kids

If I think about my life ahead as an old lady or on my death bed I can see how not having children might be a regret. I have heard it said that grandchildren make you happy in old age and that you have to have kids to have grandchildren. I also feel that old age is already not so far away and that I have limited time left. I do feel I would bitterly regret not at least trying to be an artist, I already feel so very late to the game. As an artist I could still work into old age as well.

I don't want or expect and easy life and I don't have one life is always hard one way or another I do think it is harder with kids, especially if you also want something else which is a bit impossible.

I am aware that I am not a people person, I need a lot of time alone my husband is the only person I can really stand to be around all the time, in the nicest way possible it is like he isn't there at times, he doesn't intrude on me the way others do so I feel at ease around him. With most people even those I love the most like my close friends or brother I can only take so much then I need to get away.

I would hope that would be different with children but perhaps not. I would say I am pretty far towards the end of the introvert scale, my own mother was an introvert, and she was a good mum and she loved it but she also struggled with it a big part of her would have liked to be a hermit I think.

"I also think that child would alter every part of my life my relationship with my husband, my new career only in its early stages, my freedom, my priorities and even the way I think would shift"

Yes. That is correct. Not bad, but correct.

I am knackered and exhausted pretty much ongoing but I think my children are the best, absolute best, thing about my life. No contest.

In my opinion, you can't have everything. That is a load of crap sold to us in magazines. There is not time or money or opportunity to do every single thing exactly as we wish to. All you can do is choose your path and make the most of it.

Very few people are brave enough to say they regret having kids

Couple of thoughts from me
I've seen joy amongst those who really wanted them
I've seen regrets among those who kind of ish thought it was a good idea - real, bitter "why did I do this" regret (accompanied by heavy drinking in two cases)

I think you need to be 100% enthusiastic about it in order for it to be right.

Also concerned about you giving up a career for the second time

Btw I know an artist who thinks of art as one of her babies, you won't lose the desire to do stuff you love just because you've had kids. You might even become more aware of things like that because you want to pass them on.